It's taken me 5 years but want to leave tonight. Still not sure I can do it.

[Rennie23]

5 years ago I posted about my shouty DH, never having heard of the words EA.
Since then I've discovered my H is a narcissist and I've even been to psychotherapy to get my head round things.
I've been thinking about leaving for nearly 5 years but just don't seem to be able to pluck up the courage. I keep thinking his behaviour isn't bad enough.
At last I'm in an ideal position to go, my best friend is working abroad for a year and has said I can use her house, fully furnished etc
I have enough money to keep myself going for a bit too.
But and this is always the big but, I get to the point where I think I'll go then I just can't (sounds pathetic), I'm not brave enough.
I've been married 25 years and I know my DC have been affected by H horrible behaviour.
I had an awful w/e with him but of course today he's being OK.
Can someone give me the shove I need. I'm thinking of telling him I'm off when he gets home at 8pm tonight, but keep changing my mind.
The spanner in the works is that we work together and he can't manage the business without me (totally disorganised, even though he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread).

Hi Rennie, hope your not in too much emotional turmoil Lovely, thinking of you, hope you're okay. 🙋🏼

You'll have so much time to explore what you want to do! Just imagine, no one telling you you're wrong about everything. I bet there are things you've wanted to do over the years, tv programmes you've wanted to watch...

Make a list of stuff he grumbles about, and start doing it all.

I just wanted to share a story with you Rennie

Not long after I moved out I went out mid-week for dinner with some girlfriends, we went on to the theatre and then (as one of my friends knew a cast member) we were invited to the after party.

We sat at the party having a few drinks, celeb spotting and chatting amongst ourselves and I got home about 2am. When I got home to my own space, I couldn't stop laughing at the absurdity that I'd had such a lovely relaxed, completely innocent night out, but it something I could NEVER have done whilst living with exH.

You will have moments like this, they are the small things that reinforce the fact that leaving is absolutely the right decision.

I hope you're doing OK

Hi all
Ordered broadband today. Told all the DC. My poor DD is staying at home with DH as she feels sorry for him and I'm stuck in my friends house on my own desperate to see more of her. I think she feels like piggy in the middle!
She was very pragmatic about the whole thing as she knows what he's like! I think she feels quite down which hurts me so much.
I read the Lundy book about 4 years ago, excellent, I've got Mr ALWAYS Right!
My DH is quite happy for me to go out, I have control of the finances so no problems there. He's just very shouty, door slamming, passive aggressive and says horrible things to me and the DC so much of the time.
I still feel so guilty and wonder if it all wasn't so bad as I was free to do my own thing-he wasn't controlling in that way!
He's being sooooo nice at the moment, but he thinks I'm going back at some point. When he finds out I'm not , the shit will really hit the fan.
I must stay strong and stick to my guns. Thank you so much for being there for me x

Bloody hell, OP - shouty, passive aggressive, slamming doors, being horrible and you're wondering if it wasn't so bad? If this is what you've been living through, then yes it is bad. It is very bad indeed.

You've taken the most difficult first step. It's upwards from this point on. You are amazing and if you give life without your bullying husband a chance you will find that it can be amazing too.

Well done on telling the kids. Might be worth rereading Bancroft, just to remind yourself that it really was bad enough to leave. Not controlling in some ways isn't the same as not controlling.

Enjoy your weekend without any shouting, door slamming or horrible names. No more than anyone deserves.

Rennie, you've done the right thing, you're incredibly brave, well done.
Your DD is a young adult, I gather, and it's absolutely fine, for her to stay and keep her DF company. It isn't her argument after all, it's not about taking sides, it's about you, and you being happy.
Don't feel too sad, the children have almost fled the nest, she hasn't fallen out with you, just probably sees her DF, as the weaker of you both.
Ask her over this weekend, for a takeaway, or lunch, share some peaceful girly time. She loves you both, as you do her. 🍷💐

Hi Rennie, how's it going?