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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's taken me 5 years but want to leave tonight. Still not sure I can do it.

83 replies

Rennie23 · 06/02/2017 13:45

5 years ago I posted about my shouty DH, never having heard of the words EA.
Since then I've discovered my H is a narcissist and I've even been to psychotherapy to get my head round things.
I've been thinking about leaving for nearly 5 years but just don't seem to be able to pluck up the courage. I keep thinking his behaviour isn't bad enough.
At last I'm in an ideal position to go, my best friend is working abroad for a year and has said I can use her house, fully furnished etc
I have enough money to keep myself going for a bit too.
But and this is always the big but, I get to the point where I think I'll go then I just can't (sounds pathetic), I'm not brave enough.
I've been married 25 years and I know my DC have been affected by H horrible behaviour.
I had an awful w/e with him but of course today he's being OK.
Can someone give me the shove I need. I'm thinking of telling him I'm off when he gets home at 8pm tonight, but keep changing my mind.
The spanner in the works is that we work together and he can't manage the business without me (totally disorganised, even though he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread).

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 06/02/2017 13:50

Would pretending to yourself that this is a trial help?
You've had 25 years of his behaviour. Why waste another day? Why not start the new life today? If the stars are aligned for you to go, it would be rude not to.
Go on!

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 13:51

Do it op.

You've already wasted five years.

In another five, thiscwilk be well behind you.

Esoteric · 06/02/2017 13:58

Identical situation here

StickyMouse · 06/02/2017 13:59

Do it, where do you work together? Are you in a position where you move out but still work together? or are you looking to exit the business too?

Are you DC now moved out or are they going with you too?

Get copies of paper work for house, business and copies of bank statements.

Just imagine yourself sat in your friends house tonight sipping a nice glass of wine,

pudding21 · 06/02/2017 14:00

Same here too. 21 years, last two years of EA (mild before that, but if I am honest there was some before). Kids have heard stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I am not an authentic version of myself, I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I told him at the weekend it was over. He was angry, now he is devastated. I prefer angry, makes it easier. Stay strong.

Today I am going to open my own bank account, and see a house.

You can do this.

Adora10 · 06/02/2017 14:02

Honestly when you are even thinking it's not that bad then it's bad enough! The only judge of you is yourself.

Original poster
Rennie23 · 06/02/2017 14:07

All DC are either at uni or living away, so it should be easy I know.
However compared with other EA men he isn't too bad. He talks as if we're all stupid, sighs, shakes his head, rolls his eyes at us and gets in a temper (even in public-so embarrassing).
But he's not physically harmed us or called us names, it's just the way we are all so obviously inadequate in his eyes. So it's going to be hard for me to give him a reason for going.
We will have to continue working together, can't say what the business is as it will out me. He will be so nasty to me and the DC if I go though
Thanks for encouragement.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 06/02/2017 14:11

Rennie, you don't need to give him a reason to leave, really you don't. Just get your ducks in a row (sounds like the house is ideal) and off you go.

Then, get thee to a solicitor pronto. And yes, take all your paperwork with you when you leave and screenshot anything and everything that you can't take.

mumndad37 · 06/02/2017 14:13

You don't have to give him a reason. Just move, leave him a note saying you're not coming back, and let him figure it out. He doesn't have to agree or approve. You are doing this for you, and to set an example for your children. Just go.

Adora10 · 06/02/2017 14:15

Well that sounds shit OP, eye rolling, belittling you, all abuse imo, you have only yourself to answer to so do what is right for you, nobody else.

CherryPie400 · 06/02/2017 14:20

If youre considering it then go....

if u must just say he makes you feel inadequate and belittles you...it is emotional abuse especially when in public as its done to humiliate you!

I've escaped domestic abuse and its the best thing I did, do you have any family or close friends around you for support.

write a letter if u have to and leave it on the table for him and go before he gets home, it makes it easier. you've put up with his behaviour for long enough, you owe it to yourself to escape, and you'll be happier without him. trust me.

huge hugs, i hope you can do it or at the very least confront him about it x

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:21

I'm three years the other side, life is bliss.

Loftella · 06/02/2017 14:25

Rennie23 I am in a similar situation, though a shorter relationship (15 years) and only one DS, who is a teenager so still at home (and to be honest he is the only reason I haven't split from H already).

I told H last week that I wanted a divorce due to EA and all hell broke loose (even though I'd told him late last year that I was very unhappy in our relationship and have been for a long time). He is trying every manipulation in the book with the result that I often think I no longer know what's true and what's not and I veer between 100% intention to split and confusion about whether any of the behaviour I've had from him is real or imagined. But I know in my heart that I'm not mad, that mostly he truly is devious and manipulative and negative and cruel and a joy-draining misery. I've agreed to go to Relate with him just so I've tried everything (and if it works, fantastic!), but I wouldn't be surprised if he backs out before the appointment.

"However compared with other EA men he isn't too bad."
I've said exactly this to myself so many times, but if it makes us feel bad then it is bad. And I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with this sort of behaviour.

I feel for you having to work together, as that's another thing to make you feel trapped. I'm trapped by financial circumstances in that I'm self-employed working from home (moderate but not very secure income) and H has been repeatedly out of work throughout our relationship, the latest period having lasted nearly 2 years and there's apparently no end in sight (pain and MH issues, which he only halfheartedly and selectively chooses to address, which makes me realise I've been enabling him to remain in his comfortable self-involved rut for far too long).

pudding21 hello and well done! We talked on another thread a week or two ago and you deserve Flowers for taking the plunge!

BlueFolly · 06/02/2017 14:34

The only reason you need to leave is that you want to.

Adarajames · 06/02/2017 14:35

Loftella - don't go to Relate with him, akin maybe f you want to talk through your situation and how to move on, but therapy / counselling together is never a good idea if one person is an abuser

ExplodedCloud · 06/02/2017 14:48

You don't have to have a 'good enough' reason. Being unhappy is good enough when he's making you unhappy
You have MN's verdict that you can go.

Original poster
Rennie23 · 06/02/2017 15:34

What are your situations Esoteric and Pudding?
Just packing my car, but still doubtful I'm doing the right thing. Wondering how this is going to affect the DC.

OP posts:
FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 06/02/2017 15:40

Go now.

Why are you waiting until he gets home tonight?

If you want a face to face conversation, go now, and it'll be so much easier after a couple of days of freedom and a few days of the sheer pleasure of not walking on eggshells and having to put up with his eye rolling and sneering and calling you stupid.

Either way, be prepared for a short lived charm offensive which will end the minute he realises he's lost you and therefore lost control or you're back in your box. I know which I'd prefer!

TeaholicsAnonymous · 06/02/2017 15:45

Do it Brew You are doing the right thing.

I agree with others that if telling yourself it's temporary helps then do it like that.

My x used to tell me that if I left I'd have burnt my bridges with him blah blah blah. He was awful to me. And yet it was very hard to leave. Confused

Don't believe the charm offensive. Understand the cycle that follows leaving an abusive narcissist. Charm, anger, explosion, calm. Charm Anger explosion calm. CharmAngerExplosionCalm. Charmangerexplosioncalm. You may have to go through this several times but it dies down a bit with each 'cycle'. STAY STRONG.
If he is wrecking your head telling you what an incompetent loser you are and how you'll never survive without him etc, come here and we will all tell you what we have achieved after leaving abusive narcissists. In fact that is a good title for a thread!

TeaholicsAnonymous · 06/02/2017 15:51

PS, I hear what you're saying about needing a reason.

Obviously the truth is that you don't need a reason but looking back on how I left my X, it would have been quicker and given him less to argue back with if I'd said this sort of thing

I don't want to grow old with you

I look forward to the future more if we are apart

I don't enjoy your company

Obviously this type of man will argue with those statements but they hopefully give them less to argue with than the 'you made me feel so ashamed when you screamed at me outside sainsbury's'' type of reason

Because they just berate you for whatever they feel drove them to belittle you. So you go round in circles.

I remember trying to be 'kind' Hmm why? and I stopped short of saying things like ''I no longer like you'' or ''there is no love here'' or ''I want to be far away from you''.

But it would have speeded the 'cycle' of charm, tension, anger, explosion, calm up if I'd 'engaged' less and given much blunter reasons.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 06/02/2017 15:52

PS if he calls you a cold hearted selfish home wrecking bitch or something just nod and say ''exactly, given that you think that, we must split''. Don't try to defend yourself.

Loftella · 06/02/2017 15:58

Adarajames I feel like I have to, to prove I've done everything I can to save the relationship. But I'm attempting to go into it with my eyes open and am in a stronger frame of mind than I've been in for a while, now that I've re-established my boundaries and started to stand up to him and recognise his behaviour for what it is. I'm very lucky to have a few people in RL who tell me when he's messing with my head and they bring me back from the brink.

Sorry for the hijack Rennie23, good luck, this is your big chance, grab it!

Hissy · 06/02/2017 16:01

Please, please keep going! Please go to your friend's house.

Your reason is reason enough, he makes you feel miserable, and stupid for staying with him.

That's enough.

Your kids will understand, I'm sure of this.

The sooner you go, the sooner it gets better, you gain strength and peace. You'll start to live and breathe again.

Original poster
Rennie23 · 06/02/2017 16:20

I'll feel really awful if I just go without saying something. He looks like such a lost soul sometimes. I'm sure he'd use it against me to the DCs 'Mum's left me for no reason, no explanation, she's just gone.......' Although they all know what he's like of course.
Believe it or not he really won't understand why I'm going, because HE'S RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING and I just need saving from my poor self!
Anyone welcome to hijack the thread. We're all in the same sinking boat it seems.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 06/02/2017 16:31

@loftella thanks hun Flowers right back at ya! I just saw a house, I like it. i can rent it form tomorrow for 6 months and hope to move at the weekend. Now just to tell OH.........

Rennie: don't feel like you have to move straight away, take your time to get your strength. Its taken me over 2 years. Its not as easy just to say LTB, and anyone who does can't understand how difficult it can be. But IT can be done.