Looking at other women. Here we go again.

[pinkopal]

Fairly new relationship of a year, all going great so far, both mid-thirties professionals, both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future and yet here I am again.
We went for dinner Friday, seated next to a young couple. He glanced over, and again, and again, and again, so I looked at where all the glances were aimed and lo and behold, pretty 20-ish year old. He clocked that I'd noticed what was going on and quickly made up some rubbish about her looking familiar. Similar happened the last time we were out, this time the girl in question "looked unwell" (she looked fine)

I'm sick of it. One glance fine but repetitive glances and a fake excuse, I'm not a fucking idiot. It has ruined my weekend. It makes me feel like I fall below par. I went through this in my last LTR and he stopped it after a chat, the same chat hasn't worked here. I can't go through it all again. It ruins the night, I feel insecure (without good reason!) and I feel like a fool. Am I overly sensitive?
Why do they do it and how do I handle it?
I imagine I'll get a flock of "but all men do it, it's just the way they are" which isn't a good enough excuse, IMO.

You're right to end it OP. What it comes down to is that this was something he did repeatedly that you found hurtful and embarrassing. And he either couldn't or wouldn't change that. Which means an unhappy future for you, him or both of you.

As for 'all men do it', no. Some people do it (women on here have also said they do) and some don't. Personally I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't. But people should draw the line where they feel comfortable and not feel bad about doing that.

I didn't feel insecure at all until the third look at the same girl.
3 looks back at the same person. Ok that IS a bit weird.

When I say DH and I look at other attractive people i meant if we're in a bar someone might catch our eye or you might have a sneaky look at someone with great legs.

I'll clarify ny thoughts then,

1. Glancing at other attractive people is normal and having an issue with that is insecurity. (E.g. i saw my DH check out a woman in shorts. Its so disrepectful and he must hate how i look)
2. Actually eyeing up other people repeatedly is just odd behaviour and creates an awkward situation.

I wouldnt let yourself feeo insecure based in him checking her out like 3 times. Just assume he has no tact and is a bit weird. Move on to somebody better

I agree Maisy. I can also see how my reaction may seem insecure but that isn't the case. I feel more disrespected and weird about the fact the man I'm out with can't help but look at someone else, over and over again. I notice beautiful people. Doesn't everyone? He seems to have a radar for anyone young! It's odd. I am beautiful in my own right, I'm not 22 anymore but I know what it feels like to be leered at, especially by a man with his partner. It's grim. And embarrassing. And I usually pity the wife.

I'm now the pitied. It makes me cringe.

I didn't mention opposite sex friends or getting moody over noticing another human being. Were you responding to somebody else? There is a very big difference between seeing people and obviously 'looking'. I see people out and about all the time. I have to so I don't walk into them! I'm not eyeing them up. I could objectively say whether somebody is attractive, but I'm not looking at them for enjoyment. I don't seem to feel attracted to other people. I can see that they are good looking, but they don't attract me. I feel like my husband lights up a room when he walks into it other men pale in comparison.

The op didn't say anything about opposite sex friends. My husband has loads of female friends. It doesn't surprise me - he's a lovely person so people want to be his friend. The fact that he is totally non-sleazy and trustworthy makes it more likely that he would have female friends, surely.

I can understand what you are saying, some people are insecure and threatened by the mere existence of other women, but the op sounds like a normal person with normal boundaries. The hyperbole in your posts makes it sound more like you are trying to come across as cooler than other inferior women. Ironically, it seems to be mostly insecure people who behave like that in real life.

You don't need to cringe! He should be cringing at himself. Imagine how embarrassing it will be as he gets older and he's still eyeing up young women. It's not any reflection on you. Just like when men with stunning wives cheat with far less attractive women. Nothing to do with their wife not being good enough.

Usually, in my experience, looking repeatedly at a stranger means you're gormless, rude or fancy them

None of these options is good.

Glad you had the strength and confidence to dump his sorry arse op

That wasn't meant to be a dig at you btw maisypops. I've just realised how that sounds. I have no way of knowing whether you're insecure or not. I meant that I know quite a few people in real life who are very keen to prove that they are better/cooler/not like other women and it is their way of competing with other women whilst pretending they don't do that sort of thing because they're not threatened by them.

But it will take some doing to convince me that not liking opposite sex friends, and getting moody over noticing another human being isnt rooted in insecurity

I think it was much more than this. It wasn't a fleeting look op said he constantly stared all night. Now that goes beyond an uncontrollable reaction.

Twingler
Didnt take it as a dig at all.

I know what you mean with some women who claim to ok with everything and theyre probably not.

Its other posts that suggest that he was wrong to have even noticed another woman that got me on my argh rant about insecurity (my experience is that people who go down the "i cant believe he even looked at someone" route often like to monitor friends and check phones etc) OP sounds quite measured about things.

Not all men do it.

This man could show you respect and stop it any time he wanted to.

Would he do it during a job interview, for instance?

The fact that he won't respect you is reason enough to get rid now.

I think constantly staring at another woman while your OH is there is the height of disrespect.
I don't even like men doing this, even if I am not in a relationship with them.
I once travelled to Canada with a colleague and he spent the whole journey glancing at a particular woman. Despite the fact that we were not in a romantic relationship, I was embarrassed and therefore went out of my way to make the lady aware of the fact that the man ogling her was a colleague and not by man.

Most people will take notice/glance at a very attractive person when they are out and about. Most people also have the manners and respect to not do it when with your partner.

I think the point is partly that OP isn't freaking out about the odd glance at someone else - we are only human and when we see someone attractive of the opposite sex it's natural to notice it. But it's the fact that he's repeatedly looking over, at women on numerous occasions, when they are out together, which no one is going to feel good about. And then denying it by making up stupid excuses (which frankly insult OPs intelligence) and then gaslighting.

Maisie it sounds like you are in a nice, secure, mutually respectful relationship with your DH, and that you know he loves you, and the odd glance at a hot random isn't going to change or affect that. Which is great!

But when you're with someone who repeatedly makes you feel insecure, by constantly looking at or flirting with/being tactile with other women while not affording you the same treatment it feels crappy. You can't help but feel insecure, and even worse you feel like you can't say anything in case you seem bunnyboiler/crazy/controlling. It's such a horrible situation.

Then, when you are in a relationship with someone who is lovely to you, and makes you feel loved and cherished and special the difference is just so marked. The whole thing is just relaxed and happy and none of this stuff comes up because you're comfortable and secure and it's just all chilled and lovely.

OP could get out of this disrespectful relationship and into one with someone who thinks she is amazing, his actions follow through on this, which makes her really happy, so she doesn't even think about any of this stuff.

Good luck OP

A former friend of DHs used to gawp at other women when out. It was honestly excruciating. If his DP wasn't there he'd make comments, openly stare and just be really objectionable.

If she was there, he'd tone it down slightly but it was still pretty bad. Once, I lost my rag and told him that we didn't care who he wanted to fuck but please stop telling us about it every five minutes. His poor DP immediately thanked me and agreed, but he got the massive hump and refused to speak to me again. Result!

My exH used to do this. Always blondes. I was brunette. His head literally used to spin round when a blonde female walked by. I hated it. It made me feel like utter crap.

Ironically, because of greys, I became blonde myself AFTER I divorced him!

Makes you feel so much better when you ditch a sleaze like this. They are no catch!!!!