Looking at other women. Here we go again.

[pinkopal]

Fairly new relationship of a year, all going great so far, both mid-thirties professionals, both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future and yet here I am again.
We went for dinner Friday, seated next to a young couple. He glanced over, and again, and again, and again, so I looked at where all the glances were aimed and lo and behold, pretty 20-ish year old. He clocked that I'd noticed what was going on and quickly made up some rubbish about her looking familiar. Similar happened the last time we were out, this time the girl in question "looked unwell" (she looked fine)

I'm sick of it. One glance fine but repetitive glances and a fake excuse, I'm not a fucking idiot. It has ruined my weekend. It makes me feel like I fall below par. I went through this in my last LTR and he stopped it after a chat, the same chat hasn't worked here. I can't go through it all again. It ruins the night, I feel insecure (without good reason!) and I feel like a fool. Am I overly sensitive?
Why do they do it and how do I handle it?
I imagine I'll get a flock of "but all men do it, it's just the way they are" which isn't a good enough excuse, IMO.

How did Valentines Day go OP?

Broke up with the last one due to this. Never told him anything.
Waited to see what happens and saw it on every single date. At the last one I couldn't cope and walked out. It was the end for me.

Don't settle, please! You deserve better 💐

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

My ex did exactly the same thing when we first got together. Absolutely blatant, and I walked right into his trap because of course when I asked him politely to stop it gave him permission to cast me as controlling. This in turn gave him permission to cheat on me, attack me physically and pretty much anything else he fancied.

It's a trap, OP. Run while you still have your life ahead of you.

I'm back.

I'm sorry for the (very) late response. He did it again, as expected and warned.

I'm done.

You were all right.

Apparently he "didn't notice her", I "don't trust him", I've "got it wrong" they're all the fucking same.

You get it now, yes?

I presume he is history

You've ended it, op? Well done.

I hope you told him exactly why, and how unpleasant and disrespectful his behaviour was.

Good for you ending it. What a creep. All guys don't do this, in fact I'd say it's a small minority, my husband doesn't and i work with men and socialise with them and they don't. I have met guys that do it and they are total creeps. And you know if the bloke at the next table keeps glancing over at you. As a woman I've had it done to me and I don't like it, and it's even worse when the woman starts looking over st you too because she's looking to see what he is looking at and if you're in some way encouraging the arsehole she's with.

You're better off away from that kind of lech.

Please get rid OP if you haven't already. It's bad enough that he's gawping at other women when you're sat next to him - he's also attempting to gaslight you.

Yep, he is gawping at other women. And guess what? It is somehow your fault with the whole you're imagining things, you don't trust him, and you're mistaken.

Thank God you've binned him.

I'd have more respect for someone who admitted it and took ownership of it rather than trying to shift the blame onto the woman he is actually with. Would still bin him, mind.

Yes, it's my fault. I'm controlling. I'm wrong. He wasn't looking at her. Definitely not.
It's done.

He is a dick. Best off without.

I see men doing this, even when they're with their partners. It's so amusing seeing them looking when their OH's are facing the other way. As per my PP, my ex was always at it.

Well done forgetting rid. The fact that he continued after you'd spoken about it shows how disrespectful he is.

I would have had to explain that his last g/f played the oh look at that man I'd shag him, but you were to stupid to realise why she was doing this...

To be honest he's to stupid to be disrespectful

Yes, Ivy! Precisely! It's like a leerer's script!

He's made me feel like shit. Old, unattractive, not good enough. Logically I know I am the opposite of these things. I hate that a weak man can make me feel this way!

I'm a people-watcher. Not in a creepy way (I hope), just that people interest me and I find people's foibles and eccentricities really interesting. I presume your partner only looks at pretty women though?

There's nothing wrong with looking, so long as it's only looking. But if he's rubbing your nose in it or doing it in front of you all the time then that's wrong. Does he ever try to catch other women's eye to kind of engage? Because that would ring big alarm bells for me.

Some men use this tactic as a means of control. He knows what he's doing, he knows how you'll react. Maybe he wants you to feel insecure, easier to control.

My exH used to do this. He was disrespectful to me in numerous other ways too.

My DH doesn't do this. He is respects me in all other ways too.

See the connection? Glad you are rid.

And, OP, I could be wrong. It's just my honest opinion.

I tried to think of an example where a guy has done this to me and I couldn't. But it did make me think about an ex I had who used to flirt with lots of other women (people he knew/was friends with but I didn't really know). Nothing would happen, but he would flirt with them in front of me, be very tactile etc and it made me feel so crap and insecure. Eventually I ended it.

Thinking about how he was and comparing him with other nice boyfriends and my current lovely boyfriend who makes me feel like the centre of the universe/best and most interesting attractive person he's ever met (even when in a room of interesting and more attractive people) really shows the difference. I can't believe I put up with that treatment from that guy! And I really wish I'd finished things way before I did (but I guess my self esteem had taken a battering).

You deserve someone who (while lovely and friendly and sociable!) can only see you in a room.

I notice other men when im out with DH. He notices other women when he's with me.

At the end of the day, noticing an attractive person isnt going to destroy our marriage because neither of us is insecure enough to believe thing glancing at an attractive person is a reflection on our love for each other.
Im always amazed how many people seem to think that once youre in a relationship theres some switch where you never find anyone else attractive ever again, never have banter with opposite sex friends etc. All seems a little insecure and clingy to me.

Other people aren't insecure and clingy for having their own boundaries within their own relationships. You can do whatever you like in yours.

OP, it's not you, it's him. I bet if he was on a date with the girl he was looking at, he'd be spending it glancing at you. He's just a sleaze. My husband doesn't ever do this. I was friends with him for years before we were a couple and never once saw him eye up another woman or ever say or do anything sleazy. It's not the kind of man he is and I certainly don't believe that all men do it and just hide it.

I have had many looks and approaches from men out with their partners and I'm not drop dead gorgeous, as somebody said upthread. I think they just find being a prick exciting. And are hoping that they get a look back as an ego boost. When I was 15(!!!), a man with his wife walked into a lamppost because he was so busy craning and staring at me. Yuck. I bet the women he is staring at think he is a disgusting perv and you can do better.

Other people aren't insecure and clingy for having their own boundaries within their own relationships. You can do whatever you like in yours.
The OP admitted they get insecure.

And yes, if you feel threatened or get upset because your other half acknowledges theres another attractive human being on the planet it is insecurity.
If you dont like your partner having sane sex friends it insecurity (unless there is a history with that individual, not i was cheated on 5 years ago and cant move on).

DH and I have had mutual friends who would avoid mentioning that I was out with them because it was easier than dealing with the crap their mrs would give. Me, DH and friend go back years. Zero history but the mrs felt thay it was 'inappropriate'

By all means people can have whatevwr boundaries they like in their relationship. Each to their own. But it will take some doing to convince me that not liking opposite sex friends, and getting moody over noticing another human being isnt rooted in insecurity

I didn't feel insecure at all until the third look at the same girl. It was as if he'd realised how much he enjoyed looking at her. Practically a teenager.

The fact he said he didn't even realise he was doing it makes it worse IMO. Like he can't control himself.