Looking at other women. Here we go again.

[pinkopal]

Fairly new relationship of a year, all going great so far, both mid-thirties professionals, both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future and yet here I am again.
We went for dinner Friday, seated next to a young couple. He glanced over, and again, and again, and again, so I looked at where all the glances were aimed and lo and behold, pretty 20-ish year old. He clocked that I'd noticed what was going on and quickly made up some rubbish about her looking familiar. Similar happened the last time we were out, this time the girl in question "looked unwell" (she looked fine)

I'm sick of it. One glance fine but repetitive glances and a fake excuse, I'm not a fucking idiot. It has ruined my weekend. It makes me feel like I fall below par. I went through this in my last LTR and he stopped it after a chat, the same chat hasn't worked here. I can't go through it all again. It ruins the night, I feel insecure (without good reason!) and I feel like a fool. Am I overly sensitive?
Why do they do it and how do I handle it?
I imagine I'll get a flock of "but all men do it, it's just the way they are" which isn't a good enough excuse, IMO.

I wouldn't like this. And, no, not all men do this! My DH never does.

Knowing what I know now I wouldn't put up with this. It's not going to improve. I also wouldn't explain how I feel. You've already told him once.

My XP did this amongst other things. I now realise he was a complete twat. Thankfully with a wonderful DH who wouldn't dream of doing this. Life is far too short to be constantly reminding people how they should be treating you.

You've only been together for a year and he's like this already? What will it be like in a few years time? And how far will he take it? Will he be satisfied with just looking?

He doesn't seem to care that you can see him doing it, and that it hurts you. If you continue with the relationship, it sounds like this will kill any attraction you have for him, eventually. Make it easier for him to ogle whoever he likes by making him single again now.

I think you should have walked out..that would have been an appropriate boundary for someone who is embarrassing you.

I would have only have thought of it afterwards however!

Life is far too short to be constantly reminding people how they should be treating you.

This!!!!!

My H did this constantly he used to say "even if I'm on a diet ( me) I'm allowed to look at the menu and 12 years later I've found he's been fucking around. Everyone says I'm far too good for him in the looks department
( looks aren't everything- far from it but I'm considered attractive and he's balding with glasses , picture Norris from Coronation Street ) it's just the thrill of the pursuit for them.

I had a boyfriend who did this CONSTANTLY.
The last straw was when we went out for his birthday and he and another woman were blatently checking each other out the whole night. It was mortifying.
I actually thought he was going to ditch me and leave with her.

If something happened like that to me again, I'd get up like I was going to the toilet and just go home. I'm not going to sit there and be humiliated like that ever again.

I remember many years ago when I was young and far hotter than I can ever imagine being now I was approached by a woman who had dragged her boyfriend to me. She told me that as it was obvious that he couldn't take his eyes off me, she'd do him a favour and introduce us. As you can imagine, the guy looked absolutely mortified! I bet he thought twice about doing that again. I agree, OP, it is so disrespectful.

Maybe he isn't as besotted as you make him out to be.

It's disrespectful.

If he cared about your feelings he would have a quick glance and that'd be it.

You deserve someone who takes your feelings into consideration and treats you with at least basic respect.

You sound a bit paranoid. Who cares if he looked at a pretty girl. If there is a very handsome man in a restaurant wouldn't a woman give a glance or two. So what. Don't be one of those jealous types.

I am feeling sorry as well for the poor woman trying to have dinner who is being gawped at by some randomer.
Yuk

I don't think you have anything to worry about. If he was going to sleep with her, he would have done it by now.

Viviennemary it wasn't just a glance of two though?

or

Could you play him at his own game? Blatantly check out / flirt with other guys - see if he gets annoyed. Then explain........
If he isn't bothered - move on! You deserve much more.
My DH only has eyes for me - he makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman alive (I'm far from it) he builds my confidence and compliments me constantly.

I think most men learn in their teens that it's disrespectful, inappropriate and train themselves out of it - yes sometime a subtle glance and then move on back into real life!

I wasn't there so don't know how obvious the looking was. Of course it isn't very good manners to stare constantly at somebody even if they are drop dead gorgeous. Though I expect these types are used to being stared at. There must be more than this that is upsetting the OP. Her whole weekend is ruined by a few glances. Time to move on and find a different partner would be my advice.

I've ended relationships over this, even when it appears to be the only thing wrong.

I don't really care what other people think or would do (I've been criticised heavily for it by some friends).

Not all men do it. I've been out with plenty who didn't,

This isn't something all men do and I feel like he has had his chance and blown it!
I was out at a birthday with a younger colleague at the weekend, surrounded by gorgeous 20 somethings and my bf was only interested in me!
Good luck OP - I think you deserve better!

Funnily enough this morning a female friend of mine has incensed me by doing similar. I guess I just wasn't in the mood today but every time she asks me a question she doesn't listen to the answer, instead looks over my shoulder and often starts making conversation with someone else whilst I'm still halfway through my sentence. It's so fucking annoying. I know she means no harm as she is one of those tinkly laugh people who chit chats with everyone but my god it made me feel shit.

You have my every sympathy. Personally I might just start analysing your relationship quite carefully and seeing just how happy he really makes you. You might find that he is doing quite a few things that piss you off and the accumulated result might be that you better off letting him go. It certainly won't going to get better and you're not going to get more attractive as you age sadly. If he's looking around now what is he going to be doing in 5/10/20 years?

*isnt going to get better

I have a friend that does this. More a. Ex friend actually, he used to spend our whole meet-for-a-coffee time scouring the room for good looking girls to stare at and comment on, regardless of whether he was in a relationship or not at the time. Always looking for someone better. He would rarely actually listen to what I was saying.

Don't hesitate. Go over to girl in question " hi my dh was just saying you look familiar, do you work at abc accountants? No? " sorry to have disturbed you.
Do it every time. He will get the message.

He wasn't blatantly staring, he wasn't leering as such, that would be cut and dry. It was more a look, then another look, then another, then another, then when he realised I was catching on it was an excuse (to justify all the looking) and a further look. Do you get the picture?

I don't think she would have felt uncomfortable so I didn't feel an overwhelming need to intervene or mention it. I'm more of a 'watch and wait' kind of woman. I think I'd like to wait until our next spell together and see what happens. If this is a repeating pattern, I'll speak up using one of the suggestions above. It has made me feel differently about him but I'm not going to overreact, I'll see what happens next and keep the thread updated.

I won't tolerate it though, as a PP pointed out, what will he be like in 5/10/15 years? When alone, I'm finding myself looking around at colleagues or in coffee shops wondering which girls he'd be looking at, this doesn't seem normal to me!