Looking at other women. Here we go again.

[pinkopal]

Fairly new relationship of a year, all going great so far, both mid-thirties professionals, both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future and yet here I am again.
We went for dinner Friday, seated next to a young couple. He glanced over, and again, and again, and again, so I looked at where all the glances were aimed and lo and behold, pretty 20-ish year old. He clocked that I'd noticed what was going on and quickly made up some rubbish about her looking familiar. Similar happened the last time we were out, this time the girl in question "looked unwell" (she looked fine)

I'm sick of it. One glance fine but repetitive glances and a fake excuse, I'm not a fucking idiot. It has ruined my weekend. It makes me feel like I fall below par. I went through this in my last LTR and he stopped it after a chat, the same chat hasn't worked here. I can't go through it all again. It ruins the night, I feel insecure (without good reason!) and I feel like a fool. Am I overly sensitive?
Why do they do it and how do I handle it?
I imagine I'll get a flock of "but all men do it, it's just the way they are" which isn't a good enough excuse, IMO.

When alone, I'm finding myself looking around at colleagues or in coffee shops wondering which girls he'd be looking at, this doesn't seem normal to me!

That's what destroyed it for me, when it happened. And the feeling that whatever I had to say/offer/contribute was less important than the fear he had of missing out on looking at an attractive woman for a few moments.

One man I went out with would crane his neck to look at them or wait until they turned around to see if they were attractive/young enough to look at. It was almost hedonistic, like he didn't want to ever risk denying himself the pleasure of a beautiful woman to his eyes.

I can't be doing with that nonsense!

OP you're at that dangerous age where if you want children you might be prepared to settle incase you find nothing better. Don't settle. Do as you say, watch and wait but you must draw a line under it sooner than later I think or else you are going to be posting about him in the future and you won't be in a position to walk away.

both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future...

well if he is scoping out other women, he's neither completely besotted nor planning a glorious future

you need to bin him love. he is not the one for you

A small update - I had to cancel our Friday dinner as I worked late. We've another planned for Valentine's evening so I haven't witnessed any more 'look binges'.
I did catch a glimpse at his social media on Thursday though, his suggested posts were all of scantily clad women. Considering he claims to be the opposite of a lech, the evidence is stacking up to the contrary.

My oh is as interested as the next man, but the difference is he knows about respect, and not making me look a fool.
Don't put up with this, he sounds slimey.

Hissy says it perfectly OP.

Oh Pink.
Are you going to see how Valentines goes?

Hugs.

My ex-h used to do this. I recall one particularly upsetting episode when we were out having dinner with friends and a woman on the next table was openly eyeing him and he was openly encouraging it, winking at her etc. I was so humiliated and friends were not impressed (the wife mentioned his total lack of respect at a later date). We are now divorced due to an affair, I later discovered loads of other affairs. Sometimes there is simply something "wrong" with men like these. It was like a compulsion and he'll never ever change. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at somebody who is attractive, we all do it, but openly gawking and showing such blatant disrespect is a big red flag IMO.

No, don't do it back and play games.

Draw some boundaries. You have already demonstrated that it bothers you and he has continued doing it, showing that he simply doesn't care about your feelings. How dare he treat you this way on a date!

This needs to be brought to a head, for the sake of your mental health and self esteem, which are closely linked.

He is making you feel shit - and he doesn't care. If this is what he does in front of you, what could he do behind your back.

Next time he does it, get up and walk out. That shows him that you are not prepared to be disrespected in this way.

If he continues to do the boundary stomping and wants to act like a single bloke - let him - there's plenty more fish in the sea. You deserve better. You are worth more.

sleepfreezone - Why are you excusing this treatment of you because "that's just who she is". That is blatantly disrespectful and downright rude. The next time she does this to you, stop talking to someone who isn't listening, because they are unbelievably ignorant and walk away. Are you scared to draw attention to someone's blatant disregard for your feelings? Decent human beings don't treat friends this way - and your failure to draw boundaries is sending her the message that it's OK to treat you badly and you'll put up with it and aren't worth basic manners and decency.

Stand up for yourself or people will treat you like crap all your life.

Don't go up and talk to the other woman! I'd tell you both to get to fuck and stop dragging me into your shit.

Bin him!

My dp done this a couple of times when out he has got a habit to be fare of staring at everyone not just females but I felt uncomfortable with it on one particular occasion I told him straight away how i felt he was pretty embarrassed he doesn't do it any more I know he will look at a nice looking woman I do it but when your partner is right there it's disrespectful if he had continued I would definitely have ended the relationship.

I wasn't going to drag the third party into it, but I would like to make him feel like he makes me feel.

He's hate it pink, it would damage his ego...

You have told him how you feel so it has gone beyond checking out other women. It is now a contempt issue: your feelings and needs don't count. We all have choices over what we do and he doesn't care that you are not comfortable with his behaviour.

Have a consequence for the next time he does it, such as leave. If he continues to violate your boundaries he is showing his disrespect and really do you want to stay in a relationship like that?

So he's 'noticing' women young enough to be his daughter? Eeeww! He is creepy.

There is nothing more creepy than being intensly stared at by a man who is with another woman. I find it embarrassing and very unnerving, I pity anyone who has to endure their partner behaving so disrespectfully towards them and wonder how he behaves when you're out of sight.

mumofthemonsters I've had this too on more than one occasion and indeed have been directly approached when wife/gf has gone to the loo/bar whatever....and I agree with every word you say!

It is creepy, it has happened to me. I've never been approached though, how sad these men are. It's not looking good is it! Are they all like this?

No pink, they are definitely not all like this.

Tap into your anger -no-one has the right to be so disrespectful- rather than your insecurity. But neither set of feelings is great to be living in for the duration of a relationship.

hissy has it...HE is not besotted with you and has no plans for a glorious future

you are Ms RightNow, he's not that into you and if MsRight comes along he will drop you like a hot potato without a second glance in your direction.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

Despite my negative experiences with ex-h etc, no I don't think they're all like this. I have lots of couple friends, very rarely, if ever, witness this sort of disrespect. I suspect it's different when they're out with the lads, to be expected obviously, and why not, it's OK to look, I maintain that! Most men know their boundaries IMO.

I can find my boyfriend''s behaviour something to be paranoid about, because my head does it to me.

I am not saying you are definitely doing the same! Drunkenly giving me own sob story - sorry