How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

[FrugalFot]

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much everybody for the support and I'm so sorry a lot of you experienced this in a much worse way than me - I read a lot of threads on this bird the night before I posted and again last night, so I know many of you speak from experience.

offtotown I see what you're saying and I stand by it, he probably would have come to get me, but to me it wasn't worth the hassle.

It was a situation of my own doing but when I was talking to my mum about it last night we sort of concluded it's one of many things that show I can't lean on him or expect support or help from him with anything without him blaming me (and yes I know this was my fault but hopefully you know what I mean)?

But at the same time, he expects total support from me and has had it over the years. Like at the moment, he has no work but is expecting me to find him some because when we were discussing it before he took redundancy, I said if worse came to the worse we could do some work together.

I meant he could work on some of my projects instead of me having to outsource various things. But whatever I offer him, he won't do.

I tell him that even if he isn't earning, now is his chance to find something he really loves to do and wants to do. He says it's OK for me because I've always known and it's that attitude that for him into this mess.

He's cross because he's spending his redundancy, which means I feel like I have to try harder to cover the bills and the mortgage to stop him getting stressed, but he didn't support me like that when I was struggling financially.

And I can't talk to him about he pressures because he won't want to work on it together, he'll just get stressed and blame me.

Anyway, this morning he got up before 8.00 for the first time in months and called the doctors because he says he is depressed. He's now off to the surgery for his appointment

He's going to expect my support and want to lean on me. I feel like some kind of veil has lifted and I'm looking at him differently. A couple of days ago I'd have felt so bad for him and rallied for another thing "we can get through together" but now I'm just thinking "fuuuuuuuuuuuck"

He can sense you detaching and is doing everything he can to reel you back in. Depression does not turn you into an entitled sod wanting a ps4 in exchange for an engagement ring that you didn't even ask for. Please please PLEASE don't fall for it, you owe him nothing, you really don't.

It's good news that he's going to the GP because the GP can support him.

It does not have to be you who he leans on.

You are getting closer to freedom by the minute.

Absolutely nailed on that he can feel you start to pull away. People like this are past masters at emotional manipulation and even though you haven't said anything, his 'gut' will be telling him that something is wrong.

The visit to the GP is just smoke and mirrors - it's designed to show you that he IS doing something and then make you feel bad for leaving him when he needs you most.

You need to be prepared for the fact that he will try every dirty trick to get you to stay. I strongly recommend that you try and pack as much of your stuff up when he isn't there, so that when you do tell him you can leave and not need to come back.

He's not going to just let me walk out

It's not up to him. Nobody can force someone to stay in a relationship that they don't want.

Broken record technique: I'm leaving because I am not in love with you and I don't want to get married.

Please don't fall for the sympathy card. Why pull this now? He knows you are pulling away from him. He's manipulating the situation. So you'll look like the bad person.

The professionals and his family and friends can support him through this. Don't allow him to blinker your perspective.

I wonder if he pulled this shite in his other LT relationships? Makes you wonder...

That feeling of the veil lifting - thats your gut saying 'finally!'. Remember that feeling when he pulls the 'you can't leave me I'm depressed and it's all your fault' card.

You sound awesome OP. This next bit will suck, but I promise you, 5 years down the line leaving will be the best decision you've ever made (speaking as someone 5 years down the line).

Frugal, you have no joint mortgage and no children, your only ties to this man are emotional and he will manipulate that as far as he can which is as far as you let him.
You can leave and go back to your parents whenever you choose - do it as soon as you can before the manipulation ramps up. He sounds selfish and self centred at best and he is certainly not making you happy which a good relationship should
X

Brace yourself for the onset of fictitious illnesses...they'll come thick and fast. He'll probably come back stating the GP was VERY concerned about him, even went as far as taking bloods to rule out other serious conditions that can manifest themselves as depression. He'll tell you his BP was elevated due to all the stress and the GP wants to keep a close eye on him.

It's smoke and mirrors, to knock you off kilter...

Delurking to say how brave you're being Frugal. In fact, you need to stop thinking of yourself as ditzy, immature and scatty because so far you have successfully:

Listened to yourself and your gut instinct
Articulated what was bothering you and been able to take on board the responses
Gone to people you trust (your parents) and been honest with them

....and now you are about to take sensible action which is in your best interests. This is all good and impressive stuff, and if you were my friend/DD I would be proud of you.

And BTW, those two examples of your DP being 'good for you'? Yes, yes, motorbikes and cigarettes are bad for you, but it's striking that those are both things which he took away from you, rather than adding to you, iyswim. He didn't encourage you to START a course in something you were interested in, or support you in running a marathon, for example, he STOPPED you from doing things you enjoyed.

OP the train thing is the kind of thing I'd do. in fact. Last time I lost my phone on the train I called DH from a nearby hotel whilst I was waiting for a bus (neither drives) and whilst I was getting home he was calling the station etc for me. He then reassured me it was a simple mistake as I was beating myself up. If he'd been meeting me he'd have waited around for me until o got there and probably have checked online so he didn't worry. That's normal and supportive and love.

Tbh your DH sounds about 16!

I think you're dpong the right thing to start thinking about how to find the life you want before you end up married with three kids to osneone you can't respect and dont love

I think I'd put all your stuff in your car ready and just tell him it's finished. You can't support him through this, someone else will have to. If you try it will just drag it out and get more painful for both of you.
Thinking of you.

How incredibly fortunate to have a surgery that has appointments available at such short notice. (Of course, this does happen, but it seems highly convenient in this case).

NewView is right - have the car packed before you speak to him.

Like pp have said be prepared for lots of emotional manipulation when you end the relationship. You can expect to get tears, threats of suicide, anger and verbal abuse, shouting, promises to change and huge gestures such as booking another holiday or other gifts. He may go on an all out charm offensive to win you back at first then switch to listing all your faults and being nasty. Everything he does will be to try and 'win' you back because this type of man hate to lose. None of what he says will be genuine because a person who truly loves you would let you go if you say you are unhappy.

If I were you once I had told him it is over and had removed all my property from his home, I would be blocking him on social media, blocking him on my phone and deleting all emails unread. I would also tell all friends and family that the relationship is over and you don't want to hear about him at all because he will try to manipulate everyone he knows too. Its like building a protective wall around yourself.

Oh Frugal.

You've done an amazing thing by talking to your mum (who sounds awesome, BTW). Now you have someone who has your back, knows you well, and will keep you focused to do what you need to do. Keep her in the loop and let her hold your hand, and tell her what STBXBF is up to, so she won't let you get sucked back into his bullshit.

she was beginning to come round to the idea because she appreciated a couple of things he'd done and thought he might be a good influence after all - like he persuaded me to sell my motorbike and she hated that thing! And he also persuaded me to go to a hypnotherapist to quit smoking

If you want to ride and smoke, that's your decision. Of course your mum is happy about his 'influence' in these things because she probably worried about you doing those things, as a mother, but I doubt she's happy that he has got into an established pattern of trying to get you to do things that aren't really 'you'.

As others have said, the next bit is going to be horrible, but it's going to be a small price to pay for your future happiness, growth and success.

" Like at the moment, he has no work but is expecting me to find him some "

Crikey! He's mid thirties, not midvteens!

Do not waver, op

This will be just the start of a campaign of emotional blackmail.

He knows OP. That's the only reason he is going to the doctors. Pack now. Present it as a done deal and get the hell out of there. He is an adult and not your responsibility.

Please consider calling your family right now to help you pack and leave while you are feeling strong.

He IS going to come back with talk to depression, meds, needing help and support. He IS going to make you feel like an awful person for choosing this moment to "desert" him in his hour of need.

It is total BS but you are highly likely to feel guilty and fall for it. Once you do, the whole process starts over again.

He is going to manipulate and do everything he can to keep you, because he couldn't possibly do better than you and he knows it. But you can do SO MUCH BETTER than him! Do you know it?

she was beginning to come round to the idea because she appreciated a couple of things he'd done and thought he might be a good influence after all - like he persuaded me to sell my motorbike and she hated that thing! And he also persuaded me to go to a hypnotherapist to quit smoking

I reckon the poor woman was clutching at anything positive to help her reconcile herself to the idea of your marrying this awful man. I bet your parents did a little dance of joy after you left last night!

He has obviously detected a shift in your attitude and is now bricking it. If he hadn't behaved so badly, I'd almost feel sorry for him, but you MUST NOT. How predictable to dash off to the GP for a spot of validation as to how depressed he is (not that I am saying he isn't depressed- it just seems like miraculous timing that he's going to get a special Depressed badge made for him today of all days. And maybe a new prescription of Proper Depression Drugs too.) Watch this space now for the script where he is REALLY ILL and needs you to cut him some slack while he continues not to look for work, be overly materialistic, unsupportive and horribly controlling of you, while also killing your self esteem and making you feel like a fuck up. you are NOT A FUCK UP. You sound pretty ace to me, but you do need to get out of this clusterfuck of a relationship.

How much stuff do you have to shift? Are your bank accounts separate? If it's just a case of loading up a car or two, then call in some help and get it done this weekend. Don't warn him about it, just arrange it then do it.

He thinks I rely too much on my parents, he said once that he thinks a therapist would have a field day about my relationship with my dad - the words of a man who would systematically set about isolating you from your family as soon as he possibly could.

Don't feel sorry for him with his 'depression'. It shouldn't delay you leaving. You have your own emotional and mental well-being to consider, so get out as soon as you can.

he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income
Did he even ask before he did that? No wonder he's depressed, he'll have pay for his own lifstyle when you leave......run fast very fast

Oh Frugal I think you're fab! I admire you for starting your own business, for putting your all into it. You sound lovely!

He really doesn't sound like he is a good person. He's manipulative, he blames you for being unemployed (bet he'd take credit if he was happy in a new job?!), he's unsupportive.

Being in tune financially is one of the key things to a happy marriage. DH and I (who are by no means perfect by generally happy!) are definitely in tune. All our finances are joint. I recently inherited a sum of money and there was no doubt in my mind it was joint. Give an example- we decided to buy new sofas. We both agreed we needed new ones. I said to him How much do you want to spend? What did you have in mind? He then said the exact same amount I was thinking. We went and shopped around and found one we both like for the price we agreed upon. Can you imagine doing that with your fiancé?

If you're having doubts about leaving this relationship..look to the future. Imagine the wedding. Him in his fancy suit, you in the dress you hate. Vowing to love and honour him forever. Imagine 5 years time when you have kids. Imagine 30 years time when you're getting older and the kids are grown up. How do you feel? Happy? Excited? Of scared? Treading on egg shells?

This bit is going to be tough, Frugal, but you are going to get through it.

He is going to pull every trick he knows to try to manipulate you into staying. I always think of it like that bit at the end of a D&D/fantasy adventure film, where the hero has to wrestle an evil wizard or similar. The wizard is going to change shape from one terrifying thing to another a snake, or a dragon, or suddenly the hero's own mother or something and offer all sorts of rewards in an attempt to get the hero to give in. But the hero has to hold on and know that it's all a trick. Channel Jennifer Garner at the end of Labyrinth suddenly realising 'You have no power over me!' :)

Brace yourself for the onset of fictitious illnesses...they'll come thick and fast. He'll probably come back stating the GP was VERY concerned about him, even went as far as taking bloods to rule out other serious conditions that can manifest themselves as depression. He'll tell you his BP was elevated due to all the stress and the GP wants to keep a close eye on him

This. He might even add that the Gp thinks he might be suicidal and was very reassured that he didn't live alone and had someone to look after him.

I know someone who did EXACTLY this when his wife was leaving , and the GP actually got him admitted to a psychiatric ward for two weeks for assessment because he was so convincing . Of course they soon figured out that it was just an act and discharged him. But it worked because she didn't leave him for a long time after that, she felt guilty because of his [fake] mental health problems.

Pretty shocking when you realise how hard it is to get help when you are genuinely ill.

So just to warn you. I think your fiancé sounds the manipulative , passive agressive type, rather than violent . They are hard to deal with as they seen nice to everyone else so you feel guilty for being feeling angry and blame yourself.