How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

[FrugalFot]

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

There's a website called 'out of the fog' you may find interesting reading.

Add in violent alcoholism and this is a very similar personality to my father. My mothers ground down after almost 50 years of this shit. Whenever she has plans for a social event dad fakes illness up to and inc heart attack, it's a disgusting selfish way to behave but nothing shocks me any more.

Pack and get out asap he is not your responsibility.

I would not be at all surprised if his previous relationships ended for similar reasons. Have you even met any of his exes? In my experience as an old fart in my 40's men who are still friendly with at least one ex without the link of children is a good sign, men who have no contact whatosoever with any exes - red flag! (Should have taken my own advice there!) same is true for women of course.

I'm still in touch with a few exes and even their families.

Be very proud of yourself for addressing your situation so promptly.
Thank God for fantastic parents, who have your back.
Doctor appointments are usually very hard to come by, especially early ones, normally booked in advance. When I said 'He's onto you', this is what I meant, he already senses change in you.
If you could fill up your car, or get your DM to bring hers across, whilst he's off, and fill hers too, you'll be half way there, and get any sentimental or important things out.
You're an amazing young woman Frugal, you'll go far.

Another one saying that you need to be prepared for anything - including suicide threats.

Again, I cannot urge you strongly enough to get your stuff out BEFORE you tell him, so that you can have a clean break when you have the conversation.

I don't normally comment on these threads because everyone else says exactly what I would say and better! @FrugalFot, you sound really lovely and he doesn't deserve you. Nothing you have said about him makes me think he would make a good friend, let alone husband.

I don't post on here much anymore, but I just had to resurface to tell you - OP, YOU ROCK.

Just think...soon...you will be free of him. Just keep that picture in your mind's eye. Keep posting here. Good luck, you can do it.

Frugal, "its all your fault", now if you move out, he won't be able to afford the mortgage, that will be your fault.
You haven't got him a job while he lies in bed, that is your fault obviously.
he says he's depressed, that will be your fault too of course.

You have wonderful supportive parents, sorry, you need to move back home & tell bf, that there is no way you can married, he hasn't grown up.

I felt really on edge reading your posts and am so glad you have spoken to your mum.

Finances: if anything you have been subsidising him. Why on earth did he put down an extra £400 on his mortgage application thinking you would cover it? Wanting a tailor-made suit? Nickel-ing and dime-ing about every expense? Lying in bed while he spends his redundancy? He wants a lifestyle and you to work for it.

Just stop.
Stop.
Breathe.

Leave where you are. Stop organising the wedding. Move back in with your parents. Focus on your work. Enjoy your life.

Delete your history. He may be reading this.

Hi twat .

Most parents feel worried when one of their children takes to a motorbike - it's a bloody dangerous machine! Most parents are going to smile more warmly on the person who persuades that child to give it up.
Same with smoking.

If that's all your mum can find to like about him, then there's something wrong about him or about her. Most likely, given all you've said, it'll be him.

So why did he do this rather uncharacteristic thing? I suspect that he actually wants you more dependent upon him. If you have to rely on him for lifts etc then he can punish you for minor infractions, like when he made you walk home.

Smoking? Well, if you'd given up there's be more money sloshing around and then there'd be less need for him work harder....

It took over a week to arrange a telephone consult for my dd who'd had an anaphylactic-like reaction to a prescribed med. Over a week. Luckily we had enough sense to stop her taking any more while awaiting instructions. So I'm impressed your OH managed to magic up a f2f consult apparently overnight. Bethatasitmay, even if he comes home with 25 prescription meds, doesn't mean you have responsibility for his health or his happiness. The more ill he is, the less you are qualified to help him.

Remove yourself from this situation no matter what he says or does or threatens. You need to step back from it all, get your own life, work and happiness sorted out. If it turns out that you really can't be happy without him - give it a year before deciding - then so be it. You have the rest of your life for that, a year to yourself now will only help.

frugal I am in tears reading this. So relieved for you that you are going to be able to escape. You do not know how lucky you will have been

Yes... He will feel a change in the dynamic
So sadly I must warn you that you should change your login on your phone & computer, bank account & delete any joint accounts/iclouds/fb/whatsapp.
Protect any precious work by stocking it on Dropbox or wherever.
& clear your history.
You know your messages could pop up on his iPad, whatever.
You need to avoid any interfering.

Please follow through with your plans.

On the morning of my sister's wedding she stood at the church door & shook her head, indicating she didn't want to go through with the wedding.

My dad told her it was a good thing to be nervous before merrily waltzing her up the aisle.

20 years later she pays every day for not running as fast as she could!

THEREALL, that is so sad. ☹️

You might actually do him a favour by leaving. He seems to be acting like a helpless baby bird whilst living with you. He had work at the start of the relationship. He needs to become self reliant again.

And you just need to leave the needy, controlling arse and have a fabulous time creating a name and portfolio for yourself. Best of luck with your career!

OP - have just sat and read all of your thread and can only concur with what previous posters have said.
You should NEVER need to worry about what you partner may do or say, NEVER.

Year ago, before my DP and I got together we lived 100 miles apart. I had a meeting in London on a Saturday, but didn't feel well enough to cope with the train.
He drove to my house (100miles) picked me up (at 5am) and drove me to London (190 miles) and dropped me off and drove home (290miles).
I had a single ticket to travel by train home, but he told me that if I still couldn't face it, to call him later in the day, and he would be there when my meeting finished.
By mid afternoon I was feeling worse so called him, and by 6.30pm, he was there (another 290 to collect me, + 290 miles to get us both to our respective homes again).
He stayed with me for the rest of the weekend, and then left early to get to work in time for Monday morning.

I care about him in the same way too - it's a partnership, and I'm not getting that vibe at all re him from what you say.

Oh, and NO ONE would ever get me to give up my motorbike, its part of who/what I am...never give yourself up like that to please another.

Leave him. Cancel the wedding. Build your career. Go out with your mates. Live a wonderful life.

yes I agree, he will be picking up on your vibes and might up the ante to try and get you to stay. Do not fall for any of it.

I agree, delete all history. I would even go so far as to say get the thread deleted. My ex found a similar thread of mine, and still brings it up 4 years later. Worst thing ever. You don't want him knowing your inner thoughts and plans.

Yes - that is a good point. Change your passwords, PINs, de-link yourself from him in the Cloud etc. Make sure your important work is backed up elsewhere.

I thought that too, tigermoll ! He's "taken away" but not (as far as we've read) "added" to lovely Frugal's horizons. On the contrary, Frugal didn't you mention he hates it when you do things, like online courses if an enebing, instead of watching telly with him? Now, i am second to none in pursuit if Brain rot and couch potato-ism, but if that's not what you want to do with your evening, his churlishness is another red flag.

Frugal stay strong. Please leave. Don't leave it as your resolve will falter. He will emotionally blackmail you. Go to your mum and dad. Ask them to come and help you pack . Don't fall for his shit.

I was in a very similar situation to you Frugal 3 years ago. I had been with my DP for 1 year when he suddenly proposed. When I met him, he had a stable job and then suddenly decided to quit 4 months after we started seeing each other. This put a lot of financial pressure on me and whenever we wanted to go out anywhere (such as to the cinema or to a restaurant) I had to pay. I asked him why I always had to pay and he said that I had to because I had a full time job and he did not. I began to get frustrated when he would always have money to spend on Playstation games and on his car but not to go to the cinema with me. I genuinely felt like I was being punished for working full time.

Whenever I told him that it was getting to much for me he would go to the GP and say that he had been diagnosed with depression but never seemed to take any medication. One day (after being with him for 10months) I flipped and could not take it anymore. I told him that I could no longer be with him and that I had enough. He started to cry (this is someone who never showed any emotion) and begged me to stay with him and he promised to get a job. I stupidly felt sorry for him and believed him and let him stay. Suddenly 2 weeks later, he proposed and I (in a state of shock) said yes. I called my mum and she was concerned (I was only 20 at the time).

A month later, I had a lightbulb moment when he suddenly decided that my family and friends should not attend the wedding. However, his large family would be in attendance as would his friends. When it came to leaving him, there were tears, he threatened suicide, he said that he would be very depressed. I felt guilty, scared and upset all at the same time but stayed strong. He started and constantly called me and my work several times a day. He also started to send lots of text messages. In the end I had to change my number. Looking back I cannot believe that I almost married that man and had such a lucky escape. My current partner could not be more different and made me realise just how much shit I used to put up with.

It will be hard but when you look back you will realise that it was the best decision you made!

Yes to what AF says about this being the start of a campaign of emotional blackmail. Been there, done that, separated four years ago, still trying to divorce. ££££ poorer, reassure your dad, it has cost way more than 5k to get out of this. And still not yet out.

Just a quick update between running around...

You're all amazing, you wouldn't believe how supported I feel. Honestly, 36 hours ago I felt miserable and helpless and without you jolting me awake, i think it would have been months before I got here.

I think he must have laid it on really thick with the GP. You call before 7.45, if you're lucky enough to get through and depending on how serious they think it is, they either give you a call back or a morning appt. God know what he said to get in...

He came back and I didn't really enquire. He told me anyway he'd been prescribed some ADs and is on a list for counselling.

He got annoyed when I wasn't all over him and huffed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door saying 'like you care'.

And that's pretty much all I've seen of him today. He will know now something is amiss.

It was odd when I got in last night and really I've not been right with him since Tuesday night when I walked back from the station. I'm so thankful for that walk now - there was a good few hours there to have a good think! And the penny started dropping then.

I haven't lost my resolve I promise, but I do doubt my ability to be 'detached' during the event so I'm toying with a few ideas of how I want to play this.

TBH, I wasn't going to rush into it and was going to mull it over for a few days but if he's in a mood now, the atmosphere will be horrendous, so I think I'll just say something, maybe later.

Don't worry, he won't see my history, I was conscious of that before I posted and everything is linked to a work address on a work tablet that is always with me.

Tigermoll that will be my mantra from now on! I watched it for the first time in YEARS over Xmas - love that film!

Thanks again

Well done OP

Frugal well done It is so difficult to detach but know you have support in RL from your family and you have all of us supporting you on here.

Well done. Perhaps you could try to frame it as
'Obviously I can't support you as much as you need, it's making us both ill, I'll move out.'
'I think you've realised that you want much more from me than I can give you.'
'You are not the same guy you were when we got together, I'm so stressed about the pressure I feel to live up to your expectations, we don't want the same thing at all anymore.'

Have a list of all the things he has wanted and got that you don't want- wedding, house, expensive holiday....

I bet other people will have better ideas but it's a start! See what fits. But not "I've realised you are an abusive controlling git", unless you want a fight!