Esoteric, Loobyloo ... I think that's it - they do it because they can. When I saw this thing unfolding, he saw it too for what it was - we both acknowledged that there was a chemistry between him and her (we literally joked about it at the start) and I told him to avoid all private conversation with her - he said please let me have her as a friend - I get on with her so well - she's an amazing friend and she's a great woman and no line would ever be over-stepped. And I don't think he would have. So I thought well you know being together through life means you have to let someone be themselves - you can't lock them up - you have to trust them. After all, I reasoned, he's not a dog (big mistake ; ). But what I hadn't bargained on was her. She was fucking totally determined, from the outset. She set about it like a project. She didn't work, she had all the time in the world, her hard-working husband, who paid for everything and gave her a 50K credit card into the bargain, even did loads of school runs, doing evening classes with the kids, taking them off on a Sunday, etc. She was spoilt and loved like nobody ever on this Earth. And her husband went away every 3 weeks for 2 weeks or so, leaving her alone.
But, of course, because she had all that, when she saw something else she wanted, she had to have that too.
I was unlucky - we were unlucky. I do think that. He doesn't speak great English and one of the things she did in her free time was to try to learn his language (I speak it fluently). She paid people to translate emails to him. It was like Single White Female. She moved two streets away from us. She sent him messages with those fucking pictures of roses and sunsets and 'I'm working harder and harder every day to be the perfect woman of your desires'. She researched our relationship, had me to tea and dinner and quizzed me on our lives. She was dominant and he followed. I know some here will say no no he had a choice, but trust me, I know him, and I know her.
She set the whole thing up. And then she drew him into the most elaborate, 24/7 programme of lying, skulking, hiding stuff, etc. It was their world, and it delighted her. Not just that she'd got him, but also how she was lying and getting away with it.
Ok, enough of her - I long ago diagnosed her as a female sociopath (if not psychopath) - but - the truth is that if a guy thinks he can get away with it, and he is vulnerable in some way (is that type, there's a problem in the relationship), then it probably won't happen unless he meets that dangerous female, but if he does ... you can't do anything. Short of locking him in the cellar.
We could have gone on forever without that happening. If we had just stayed in our circle of decent people, it wouldn't have happened. He wasn't looking for it. But it turned up, with bells on, and he succumbed. He should have cut her off. He should have stonewalled her. He should even have been rude to her. But he wasn't. He was entranced by her. He was flattered beyond belief. And he was also determined to show that he could have her if he wanted. It was a classic chase.
Later it didn't go so well - later he realised what he was losing and he became insanely jealous about me, listening devices, recording, tracking, crazy behaviour - after I told him ok cool do what you like, and I will too. He had depended on me being there and then he realised that in focusing on the one, he was losing the chicken he'd thought safely in the coop. Whoops.
But yeah, it's all in tatters. I do think it's possible for people to love more than one person at the same time in a sexual relationship. Each one is a different love. But it really isn't a viable way to go about life.
Not sure why I'm being quite so gung-ho this evening. Am not really.