Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ca you cheat on somebody and still love them?

127 replies

Latenightthoughts · 01/02/2017 23:36

Following on from a dinner I've just had with a male friend(purely platonic our mums have been best friends since we were born he's like a gross older brother to me) and DP was with us, this isn't some segue into hidden feelings.

He thinks yes. I'm not sure. Especially if you're talking more than once. He thinks that's too black and white and it's perfectly possible to love one person whilst having sex with another.
I left my ex DH as he had an affair. At the time people said I was being too cut and dried but I stand by my decision. I do sometimes wonder if I was being too simplistic though.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 02/02/2017 21:44

I think you can.

As pp said. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

Amd sometimes life can throw so much at you or just get in the way and you don't know just how much of a mess things are until something happens.

Sometimes that one mistake can make you realise just how much you do love someone.

Of course it can go the other way though.

You think you love somebody but don't realise just what was missing until..

Not that the person you cheated with is the one who gave it to you. More that it makes you realise there must be more out there

rosabug · 02/02/2017 21:44

Here is a wonderful TED talk about affairs. hassled of course you are right - when someone has an affair it is all about them.

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

IsNotGold · 02/02/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DJKKSlider · 02/02/2017 21:59

In my eyes there can be no love without honesty, communication, trust and loyalty.
Like a house that's built on four foundations, if one cracks, the house falls.

People in open relationships etc can still have those four foundations, in fact I'd imagine they're even more important, but even then, you break a foundation, the house will fall.

ALaughAMinute · 02/02/2017 22:15

Being in love with someone doesn't necessarily take away your desire to want sex with someone else, especially if you're no long attracted to the person you love or your partner is not interested in sex. This is how affairs start and probably effects 1 in 3 couples.

noego · 03/02/2017 19:37

If you are in a monogamous relationship and "forsake" all others, promised to remain "faithful" and you don't that is betrayal of trust and respect and says a lot about how you view the love relationship you're involved in.

If you are non monogamous and the person/s you are in love with know this fact about you and expect/accept that you will have other relationships then it is not betrayal. Hence the word "open".

UglySoul · 03/02/2017 19:50

men will obviously think yes
women (I would hope) quite rightly think no

simplez

DJKKSlider · 03/02/2017 19:53

UglySoul

What a ridiculous post.

I'm a man, I've never been unfaithful to any partner.
Every woman I've been with has cheated yet still claimed they loved me. One of which I had married only 6 months before.

Offred · 03/02/2017 19:56

Depends what you mean by love and what aspect of the shared love you would have in a couple.

Perfectly possible to still have the selfish parts of love; still like, have affection for, be attracted to and still want to be with your partner and cheat. But by cheating you usually destroy the shared parts of love; respect, trust, honesty etc.

Offred · 03/02/2017 19:57

IME people who are serial cheaters are usually people who only experience the selfish parts of love anyway.

Offred · 03/02/2017 20:03

In short I would say that probably your friend may be one of those people who is primarily or singularly concerned about what they get out of 'love'...

Personally I think that's rather superficial and usually employed either by really sexist people in heterosexual relationships (I.e. They have no respect for their partner because of their gender) or by people who have issues with being emotionally vulnerable...

I see it as a pathology anyway.

Offred · 03/02/2017 20:04

I should add 'and who have decided they are entitled to use others to make up their deficits'

Notapodling · 03/02/2017 20:16

I think cheaters may still believe they love their spouses, but ultimately they love themselves more. They might have strong feelings for their partner, but ultimately their desire for sex/validation/excitement is more important to them than the risk than the deep hurt they will cause to someone who loves them.

Original poster
Latenightthoughts · 03/02/2017 22:33

I'll add some more context.

He is in a relationship with his ideal woman. And they really are perfect for each other, they compliment each other's lives, I think they've been together about 6 years nearly.

However...he has a "love" he can't get over. She was totally wrong for him (imo). They fought furiously, very up and down, he was in thrall to her (his own words).

On the face of it he says he knows he is better with his current partner, he is definitely happier with her, would hate to be with the old partner again. But he's obsessed with her. 95% of that is about sex. He can't stop thinking about her sexually, she's "ruined" sex for him, it was the best he's ever had and he can't face the thought of living without that passion for the rest of his life. FWIW I saw her a few months back and we spoke briefly about him. She said "oh I haven't thought about x in years how is he". It's one sided on his behalf. He's just started therapy to deal with it, although his partner has no idea, he was musing that he could love someone totally, his current partner, but still be so sexually attracted to the memory of this other partner.

I was amazed it's affecting him to the point of therapy now. He postulated that you couldn't have sex with someone whilst still being deeply in love with his partner. I disagreed, DP didn't want to get involved!

OP posts:
Original poster
Latenightthoughts · 03/02/2017 22:35

*That you could

OP posts:
glitterazi · 04/02/2017 01:06

What HecanteAntania said.
Cannot even imagine that level of deceit, and been married for Gawd knows how many years.
If you truly loved your other half or meant your marriage vows then you could never shag someone else.

glitterazi · 04/02/2017 01:14

Just read the update. Nothing wrong with having thoughts about other people, most probably do. It's any acting on them either emotionally or physically that would be wrong.

SallyVating · 04/02/2017 01:55

I think some people look at sex as a physical thing and love is emotional so they can separate the two things.

Not sure where I stand on this as I have a big emotional and sexual connection with someone but it's not a proper relationship so I fuck other people if I feel like it.

He'd be devastated if he knew.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/02/2017 09:07

I think some people look at sex as a physical thing and love is emotional so they can separate the two things

I'm definitely one of these people.

I cab count on one hand the number of people I've had sex with that I actually cared about.

There are others I don't even like but still slept with.

I can give my body easily enough. It's the rest of it no one gets their hands on. Not any more.

Offred · 04/02/2017 09:38

But even if you look at sex as physical and love as emotional... cheating, so having physical sex, ruins the emotional love.

TBH it sounds like he was in a toxic/slash abusive relationship and he should never have got with his current partner. He should have worked all his ex issues out first. It sounds like he is setting himself up to feel OK about wanting to cheat on her with ex.

Offred · 04/02/2017 09:39

In short - he has issues being emotionally vulnerable because he hasn't gotten over his ex but he still decided to get in another relationship...

His poor partner.

user1479305498 · 04/02/2017 12:58

I think this is something that happens a lot. Men in particular (but some women too) can get easily attracted when normal life gets dull and someone is busy blowing smoke up their arse, stroking their ego etc. In many cases they still perfectly love their wives but just cant help the "rush" you get with a new infatuation. The big issue is whether they act on it or not. In my DHs case, he had this 11 years ago with a 21 year old who worked for us and maintains it was "totally in his head" a one sided emotional affair where he sat and wrote very longing songs for her and recorded them (and then hid them) He 100% maintains it wasnt about "me" or not loving me. He just mentally got a giant lift from "the rush". at a very horrible time in our lives (his mum dying etc)

As I only found all this stuff late last year I am still in limbo deciding whether the only giant lift he will be getting is out the door. I found it tremendously upsetting when someone is writing about someone else in such a way and talking about "escaping" and "emotions of you flowing through my soul etc" Ladies, be really wary about EA relationships, I have found it far worse to come to terms with in my head than someone having a 1 night stand or even sexting someone random

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/02/2017 16:58

Define 'love.

You can be emotionally attached to someone and cheat: I'd say that means you're more motivated to meet your own wants than you are to prioritise your partner's needs. I'm emotionally attached to my favourite mug and the goldfish, but there's a limit to how much I'd prioritise their needs over mine.

Love, to me, means more than just emotional attachment. It means being able to put the relationship first, to be unselfish, to want to protect that person more than to get a 'rush' or get some sex. To be driven to put aside wants for needs.

Megthehen · 04/02/2017 17:25

Same here...my OH composed love poems and letters and posted lots of adolescent memes and messages on social media referencing his new friend..while sitting in the same room as me. Did he still love me during his so-called emotional affair, absolutely not - in fact surprised to see how much he hated me...no details spared in the ensuing "discussions" about my inadequacies.

MagicChicken · 04/02/2017 18:01

Well it's not always the case obviously, but yes I believe it's entirely possible and in fact very common. People sometimes shag around because they are weak and stupid or bored or having a mid life crisis and crave the excitement and/or attention of a lover, not necessarily because they don't love their partner and are unhappy in the relationship. When people say 'it's not you it's me' they often mean it.

Maybe they are bored with their sex lives and the mundanity of being in a LTR with responsibilities and the prospect of no change in that.

People who are unfaithful often do it in the belief that they cant fight the urge to have just one last thrilling adventure and will never get found out. If they had to make the choice to cheat knowing that their was a very high likelihood it would hurt their family and end their marriage I think they would suddenly find theircwullpower after all and have a bit more restraint and self discipline. It's all about weighing up the odds for some people.

Lots of people (men in particular I think) are fundamentally not cut out to be monogamous for more than a handful of years but they struggle with rejecting the idea of monogamy and commitment because they wnjoy the comfort and (ironically) the security of marriage. So they live a lie and are in constant conflict with themselves.

Some people met their spouses quite young and settled down very young and while they still love their partners they start to feel as though they have missed out on an important rite of passage by not having sown a few wild oats. They feel a pull towards experiencing a little bit of that single lifestyle that they never really had when they were younger and there is an uncontrollable curiosity as if that itch must be scratched.

This is why I always hope none of my D.C. will settle down and have babies too quickly and too young. The chance of their marriage going the distance is hugely improved if they've lived a bit and had a good few relationships first I think.