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Original poster

Crushes: A Poll, Of Sorts

132 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 25/02/2007 19:08

Do you get crushes?

And if you do, what do you do about them?

And whether you do or not, does your DP/DH get them, that you know of?

I've always been of the 'don't ask, don't tell' school about these things, but DH thinks they should be discussed ... of course, he doesn't seem to get crushes himself, so really that means he thinks I should share mine with him. I am about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Ino · 27/02/2007 13:06

So..what is the difference between a crush and when you have more serious feelings for someone? How can you tell?

OrmIrian · 27/02/2007 13:14

Reciprocation? If someone you fancy feels the same way it's more problematic.

Bucketsofdynomite · 27/02/2007 13:46

I think I am quite jealous when it comes to DH, think he probably would be too but TBH we just wouldn't put it to the test iyswim. If a dilemma about appropriateness came up I'm sure either of us would stop to consider whether the other one is going to feel uncomfortable about it. I don't think it's always about lack of trust, more about wanting to protect your DP from these feelings.

puzzler · 27/02/2007 13:56

Ino, I'd like to know the answer to that as well. Have had "crush" on someone I hardly know for nearly a year and despite not seeing him for months at a time it hasn't gone away or faded. Do crushes last this long?
NQC, don't think I could handle dh in your situation, think you're very trusting and admire you

Ino · 27/02/2007 14:36

They can last years, especially if the other person feels the same way. I would say that part of it is not knowing much about them.

puzzler · 27/02/2007 15:21

Years - oh hell! I have no idea if the crushee reciprocates my feelings (although I would like to think so!) Have tried to eliminate feelings but to no avail. Do you know the person you have a crush on ino?

Ino · 27/02/2007 16:23

yes I do and he is not an appropriate person! It's not that it happened when i first saw him, it's his personality.

Socci · 27/02/2007 16:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2007 16:37

Hmmm, my DH doesn't think I'm trusting at all, as judged by me freaking out a bit about this email thing.

I'm expecting to meet this woman in March, and hoping that will sort things out. He does say he'll stop seeing her if I think she has feelings for him. He gets irate when I point out that I'm more worried he has feelings for her ... (to be fair, and totally superficial, he eventually described her physically, and she really doesn't sound like his type. And he has had lots of female work friends who I've been fine with, but then he's not been emailing them all the time, which makes a difference.)

I don't know what the difference between a crush and something more serious is ... I'd say it's a continuum, but a crush might go away when you got to know the person better, and found they weren't someone you really had much in common with.

I don't think there's a natural duration for crushes ... I do think they can point out something you're missing in your life/marriage ... even if it is that magical 'oooooh! he likes me too!' moment that everyone misses from single life (even if they don't miss anything else!)

OP posts:
puzzler · 27/02/2007 16:37

Crap, mine's totally inappropriate too! How do you feel about that Socci?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2007 16:39

Other people having crushes on one's DH/DP are a bit different. DH has had this once or twice that I know of (and probably other times that I don't know of - he wouldn't notice, tbh). It doesn't really worry me.

OP posts:
Socci · 27/02/2007 16:45

Message withdrawn

bran · 27/02/2007 17:18

I think lots of women have had crushes on dh. I went to one of his leaving dos 8 or 9 years ago and sat down at a table full of people to chat to someone I know. The conversation came around to dh and one woman went on and on about how great he was. I smiled and nodded, and the womand who I knew kept trying to change tghe topic. Eventually dh's crushee wound down or took the hint, and changed the conversation by asking me if I worked on the 3rd floor. I said I was dh's wife and she went bright red and tried disappear into her seat.

I definitely agree with NQC that crushes are more about myself/my relationship with dh than about the person that I have a crush on. I reckon that in a good relationship the other person has about 85% percent of the attributes that you would want in a perfect partner, it's the missing 15% that suddenly crops up in another man that gives me a crush on him.

Greensleeves · 27/02/2007 17:33

I had a crush on the same person for 10 years

puzzler · 27/02/2007 17:46

ONG Greensleeves, did anything happen between you? Was the feeling reciprocated? How did you get over it?

Greensleeves · 27/02/2007 17:49

Long, messy, rather ignominious story I would rather not go into

Socci · 27/02/2007 18:03

Message withdrawn

Greensleeves · 27/02/2007 18:04

No, before.

Am not going into it, sorry if it's annoying!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/02/2007 18:10

Yes

Do I act on it? No, but I make the most of it

DP - only if it was 'celebrity' crush....

FrannyandZooey · 27/02/2007 18:27

If I am being completely honest, I still have a crush on every boyf I have ever had, where I didn't want the relationship to finish

in my head I would have them back in a heartbeat

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2007 18:32

Ah, see, um, I have one boyf who broke up with me. (Who I wouldn't have back, and don't still have a crush on ... we did muck about a fair bit after breaking up, and he was thoroughly broken, which probably helps.) I almost always did the breaking up.

And everyone else I broke up with. I have still have a soft spot for one, and if we were both single, we'd end up back together, probably. (Well, he's tried to say as much, and I just changed the subject, because it's not a very likely outcome.)

Oh, I do net-stalk and miss another, as a friend, but absolutely not as a boyf or lover.

OP posts:
BewareTheCrush · 27/02/2007 18:36

Yes, and despite never having had a relationship with a woman, or considering myself bi-sexual, I recently had a crush on another woman

That lasted about 6 months and I have moved back to blokes now

I also still have a crush on someone I went to Uni with who I haven;t seen for 15 years..

I never tell anyone about my crushes, and I would never tell DH.

He was in a relationship with someone who cheated on him, in the past, and he wouldn;t see the funny side at all.

Telling anyone else would spoil it for me, I think.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2007 18:37

Actually, not so much because it's not a likely outcome, but because it didn't seem like a conversation that was very respectful of DH. Even though his approach was very 'oh, there are people I know, who if they were single ...', and 'i regret that we dated when i was a mess ...' rather than 'hey, I'd still do you ...'.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 27/02/2007 18:39

Yes, I almost always did the breaking up, too

it's just that I had a LOT of boyfriends

actually the ones I am thinking of, we didn't exactly break up as we were never in a serious kind of thing

and I didn't take it further because I was involved elsewhere, or became involved elsewhere, or whatever

THOSE are the ones I find it hard to get over

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2007 18:46

Ah, yes, there were some transient ones (seems a polite term? ) that I wonder what became of them etc etc.

The one I'm still good friends with was one of the two I dated concurrently for a year. Go figure. (I'm still on reasonable terms with the other one, too.)

OP posts:
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