Marriage on last legs

[Dothehokeykokey]

So. Together 20 years, living together for 18, married for 16. Both still under 45.

The relationship between the two adults (there are two kids under 12) is dead. Nothing in common, no effort made to spend time together, and no sex life, to the point that one party (me) would happily leave if it were financially viable.

The oh would blame me for all sorts and I am not stupid enough to think that I am blameless in ending up where we are, but I do genuinely feel that where we are now at a point where the kids are more grown up and independent and where I would like to make an effort to refresh our own relatioship, what's the point with a partner who seems happy for us both to exist rather than live and focus their entire life on the kids.

Clearly I love my kids very much and would do anything for them, but how do people cope with a partner who is SO focussed on the children they are happy to see the adult relationship in the family wither to nothing. It makes me feel completely worthless and as if my only role in life was to provide two children and then spend the rest of my life providing for them (which I don't object to, but don't see why it should be at the cost of ANY money to spend on myself, or time for myself or as a couple)

I genuinely believe there are deep seated emotional issues at play relating back to childhood and my partner coming from a family where everything is done for the kids and all the adults just exist to serve the children with no time to themselves or any actual meaningful relationships.

Apparently, I am unreasonable for wanting to get a babysitter every now and then so we could go for a walk, meal etc.

Apparently I am unreasonable for suggesting that in the evening when the kids go to bed (9pm) isn't the only time that ironing etc can be done (it's not fair on the kids to do it when they are up?), and apparently I am totally unreasonable for suggesting that three hour baths with a book every night when it's the only time we get together as a couple might be better spent doing something together?

Any suggestion of putting time aside for sex is seen as "being selfish" any suggestion of trying anything other than missionary position with the lights of is apparently "sad" and for people who can't be fulfilled by "normal sex with a person they love". Incidentally this is also off the cards at the moment until I take responsibility for contraception, which can't include condoms.

I know I am wasting my time and am ashamed to admit I am for the first time ever considering looking for some time for myself, new hobbies,new excitement and ultimately a new relationship outside of the marriage.

I hear you Pater Power. If the OP said his wife like drowning kittens in a barrel, name change would say it's his fault for not being not home enough to stop her.

Whatever. That's not what I'm saying at all, but you read it how you want to. As another pp said, answers from op are selective, I have every respect for the things he has tried, but plenty of people have suggested other things which have been ignored. It could be said that you don't seem to be seeing it from both sides either, so don't judge me or put words into my mouth.

I have a friend who was like your wife. She is a wonderful friend and an absolutely amazing mother, but she checked out of her relationship fairly quickly once the children came along. The children were her sole focus, to the detriment of her marriage. I think that can be a normal stage for a lot of couples, but in my friend's case, once the children got to school age, there was nothing left between her and her husband. She admitted herself that in hindsight the attraction was that he was good father material - her clock was ticking and she had had a few failed LTRs with very different men. They really had nothing in common apart from the children.

They did try counselling, but eventually split up. It wasn't easy, but now they are both with different partners and very happy. My friend has "let go" of the children somewhat, and is doing things with new OH that she wouldn't have dreamed of with her ex- nights out, weekends away. Different people bring out different aspects of each other - my friend and her ex were brilliant as a couple when they were parents of very small children, but they weren't so good when that intense stage of their life had passed.

If your wife is unwilling to engage in discussion, could you write her a letter? If she is still ignoring the issue, then there's not much you can really do. It's not worth limping along being miserable in that case- but whatever you do, don't have an affair

As I said, we can't advise your wife as she's not here, we can only give you suggestions. But it seems that suggestions is not what you want. You want confirmation that your wife is so horrible it is OK to leave. Sorry if I don't give you that, having been on the receiving end. All I can say is that you are making what seems like an inevitable split a lot harder for both of you.

OP I am sorry to have to say that some posters on here are so blinkered to the idea that a woman could EVER be at fault in a marriage- that it is unlikely you can avoid people telling you that you are inevitably to blame.
You could honestly work 150 hrs a week. Get up at 3am and bake bread to serve at breakfast, do all the housework and pay ALL the bills and associated costs as well as run the kids to school and pick them up by taking a very late lunch hour... and there will STILL be people on here calling the disintegration of your marriage entirely your fault for feeling resentful for expecting your wife pull her finger out and contribute equally..

You are not in the wrong OP. It is completely out of order to expect another able bodied grown adult not to contribute financially in some way. 7 hrs a week is crap. No excuses.
12 yr olds can manage an hour a home on their own. Leaving 9:30- 4:30 5 days a week. Which is 7 hrs a DAY !! Not a week .. it's a question of feeling the need to share the financial strain of your family, which your wife clearly feels is not her concern .

The only way she will realise this is to leave.

Yanbu OP. The time of day I look forward to the most is 9pm onwards when me & DH sit in bed a watch something together (it's the little things).
There have been times when I have been scared of sex, due to past abuse & injury & injury in childbirth and times when the dcs have been hanging on to me all day long. It sounds like your Dcs are older though.
Would your Dw accept counselling? Sounds as if she is avoiding being alone with you. She may still love you.

Marilyn aren't most jobs 9-5pm tho? Not sticking up for anyone, but having looked for a job which actually pays money after taking out (pre/post school and holiday) childcare costs, I genuinely have not found anything yet which is flexible enough to fit into the hours I have available, apart from work of a few hours a day. That's why I find it difficult to read ppl criticising the OPs wife for only working a small number of hours. For all we know, these are actually relatively well paid hours in a specialised field?

My DH works from home a lot of the time.

Positives are the flexibility it gives him as to when he works his hours in the day/night and that it means he gets to see a lot more of our DCs than he otherwise would.

But it can feel like he's never quite switched off from work even when it's meant to be family time. He's with us but not quite with us, distracted with phone and laptop on hand.

If he gets annoyed about being interrupted I do have to remind him sometimes that it's the family home first. I always teach the DCs to be considerate when he's working but at the same time they're kids and I'm not going to constantly hush them when they're playing at home.

We can also be like ships passing in the night. Him going back to work after the children are ready for bed, me tidying up,setting everything out for school the next morning and then before he's finished work me being ready to fall in to the bath and bed. It can then be 1or 2am when he comes to bed, I get up earlier than he does at 5.

We really have to make an effort to spend some time together on a week night . . . to sit down and cuddle up chatting first though before intimacy, otherwise the idea of him just taking a break from work as it's 'time for sex' is a bit of a mood killer Just wonder if any of that would resonate with your Wife Op.

On the posts about the number of hours she works honestly where's the value for stay at home parents who do similar paid hours as school dinner ladies or cleaners, volunteer to organise school and community events, care for elderly relatives or neighbours.

We have no idea of this ladies full circumstances, it's not all about who brings home the biggest pay check.

I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where my oh had no time for me and consistently rebukes my attempts to do things together , I wouldn't blame any man or woman for wanting to leave in this situation. I know you say you have tried to talk about it but maybe you could try to explain to her that you love her and your long marriage is not something you want to throw away but unless your needs can be concidered (occasional meals out bit more time together etc, not much to ask) then you will leave. Mean it when you say it but say it kindly and calmly don't let it turn into an argument. If your dw still doesn't want to change anything then you may have to accept she doesn't care about you a great deal and you would be better to leave. I hope you can find a way to make it work but no one deserves to be consistently pushed away to the extent you are and you can be happier single than in a relationship like this.