Need to end relationship, tonight. Online dating app found

[Sadtoendthings]

Wow, really hoped this one was going to work :(

Boyfriend of 3 years, moved in 12 months ago (no kids, my house), thought things were going really well, certainly no problems i am aware of.

Tonight when using his tablet (with permission) i found out he has had tinder and match installed. They were in his googles app store, they had been deleted from the device, but still show under the All Apps menu. They were not there 4 months ago.

I have to end it. He is out working and will be home after 11. i'm just so so sad. My last relationship wasn't great, really thought i had a good one this time.

i'm feeling really sad and really... i don't even know. just looking for a bit of support really, and strength to do this.

Tbh if user had pretended to be a woman and posted that info it would not have caused such strife for some.

I have apps from at least 4 years ago that I had downloaded in a very old device (that I definitely haven't used in years) and deleted that keep showing up in my All App menu so I can see it happening.
The fact that his tinder profil shows absolutely no picture and has no match means to me that he probably hasn't been using the app at all recently and the distance and age setting may well have been remembered by the app from former use.

I was dating someone recently that I had met on an app, and during our entire relationship both of us remained with the app (and other apps) on our phone. The thought of deleting it didn't really cross my mind tbh, let alone asking the person I was with to delete hers. If I received a message or a match I would simply ignore it and I trusted that other person to do the same.
I definitely didn't need the app and had I been asked to delete it, I would have but probably would have been a bit at not being trusted.
If someone want to cheat, they'll cheat unfortunately so I can't really see the point in obsessing over it I guess.
If I was to doubt my partner's actions so much that I would feel the need to make sure they weren't cheating I would have to call it a day as it's sadly not healthy in the long run.

Have you asked yourself why you can't seem to move past what happened at the beginning of your relationship, OP ? You also said that the problem was that he hadn't deleted POF when he entered a relationship with you but was he actually looking for other women/talking to somebody else at the time or was it just the fact that the app was still there even though you now were in an established relationship ? ( just trying to understand )

Hugs to you though OP as you seem to have gone through your fair share of bad relationship and I can understand this making you a little bit warry x

User whether your post is factual or not, I don't know.

But I really take issue with you telling the OP to go and have sex to mend her boyfriend's bruised little ego about having his honesty and faithfulness called into question.

No.

Her poor little boyfriend's ego needs to understand that this is the valid reaction from a woman who previously found he was still on POF - and then lied through his teeth about it.

It is not her who needs to give TLC to his ego, it is him who needs to give TLC to her trust.

If she questioned his honesty and faithfulness it is because he has shown he lacked them previously. He has no right to feel hard done by now.

Now if they work it out and she feels it was innocent this time then yes - ending up having great sex is fine.

But please don't advise her to go make things up to him, when her concerns were a direct consequence of his previous behaviour!

It is the kind of thing that, for a lot of men, it ruminates inside of them and is difficult to let go of. It can be a seed that festers and grows and, in time, harm a relationship. Good men angst about these things - the bstards do not give a sh..*

May I suggest that the OP shows him some extra TLC today. Give him a few hugs, kisses and laugh/make a joke of all of this so it does not fester inside of him. Make sure that you are now aware that it was all a silly misunderstanding - one that is happening to more and more couples due to how this technology works.

Have great sx today.*

Er..... just no.

But about 20 women had posted similar stuff about apps reappearing etc. They were ignored. Only when a man came on and explained it to us was this information interesting and informative.

Her poor little boyfriend's ego needs to understand that this is the valid reaction from a woman who previously found he was still on POF - and then lied through his teeth about it.

Where are you getting that from? Her opening post said she found the app 12 months in to their relationship and there were "lots of reasons then" for it still being there. Unless I missed an update somewhere, I don't see where OP says he lied about it.

In the meantime, the OP has routinely checked ("every 6-8 months") his tablet and then went burrowing through his phone.

So at what point does a previous mistake (even assuming he was up to no good on POF), make it alright to subject him to the Spanish Inquisition? If any of you (women) were to come on here and tell it from that POV - one mistake and now he doesn't trust me, demands to see my phone, snoops through my internet usage etc - a significant number of you would be screaming "it's EA, LTB" and so on.

Either you trust your partner, whatever their sex, or you don't. And if you can't trust them, then don't go thinking that gives you carte blanche to invade their privacy and dictate terms to them - just move on.

I speak as someone who actually got cheated on and was left for OM. I had plenty of opportunities to go snooping through the now-ex's phone, laptop etc but you know what... I had no frigging right to, so I didn't. I have never cheated on a partner, and never intend to, but if a wife/partner had ever, or does ever, ask to look through my phone in this type of context the relationship would be as dead as a Norwegian Blue.

Unless I missed an update somewhere, I don't see where OP says he lied about it.

You missed an update.

The all apps menu is basically the app history of the account so if he ever used Tinder or whatever then of course it would appear in the all app menu even if it wasn't installed on the device because he'd removed it.

I can't believe that a poster had been accused of cheating just because they explained it.

Waits to be accused of cheating.

I just checked, and I have dating apps from several years ago in my iTunes, which I've never had on the devices I use now.

waits to be accused of mansplaining

Same for me Bant, I'm on an iPad Pro and a Samsung S7, they certainly weren't around in 2008 but that's how far my app history goes back to and yes, the vast majority of the apps are not installed on my current devices.

Good grief, there are some really damaged women on here.

I've heard about men-hating women who, VERY bitter at their own failed relationships and inability to form a lasting happy relationship with a man, seek to cast doubt on and destroy other women's happy relationships.

I have been told, by numerous happy female friends and by my own partner, that they avoid, like the plague, those women who try to suck other women down into their men-hating unhappiness.

Misery does indeed love company.

OP, I really hope that you have seen all the negative posts on here for what they are.

(Some of the posts can barely hide their glee that your relationship might possibly end.).

I hope you have 50 wonderful, happy & loving years ahead of you with your man.

To those of you stuck in a constant loop of men-hating - is this how you wish to live the rest of your lives? Hatred? Distrust? Anger? Despising every man simply because he is a man and then trying to suck other women into your pit of despair? Gee, what a miserable existence. I suspect that most women will see you for what you are - vile!

Have a great life everyone who said kind and helpful things on here either to the OP or to myself. Life is so short. So precious. Don't waste a moment of it.

Yikes.

He has a point.

He was jumped on for explaining something that will hopefully reassure the OP because he is a man.

How is that acceptable?

As context I'm very much a feminist but I didn't feel that User was mainsplaining.

I think it's a fair assumption that people on a forum that isn't specifically about tech are likely to not be greatly knowledgeable about tech whether it's a forum aimed at men or women.

I think for a non-techy I'm relatively au fait with the ins and outs of tech but User's posts did tell me things I didn't know.

It does feel as though a couple of PP have been quick to take offence...

I think it mostly was his suggestion that the OP should have sex with her partner by way of an apology for hurting his ego that...surprised people a bit.

Oh yeah, that was weird.

It's on the OP's posts on the first page, that this is the second time. First time was 12 months in, POF.
I may had misinterpreted her words, but to me the "plenty of reasons" didn't mean plenty of good reasons - more that he was full of excuses and none of them very good.
I saw it that way as OP also said "last time there were weeks of lying before I got to the truth".

I don't think the OP has a right to hang him for one mistake (it's a fucking big one though!) and that going forward if she can't trust him after that she should end it.

But I also think that the boyfriend has to accept that it isn't easy for her to think "oh it's just an old app popping back" (2, and both dating apps at that) when it is his behaviour that has put her on high alert.

I'm not saying he's a cheat, I'm not saying those apps didn't reappear, I'm saying she shouldn't decide to stay.

I'm only saying that user's advice to prostrate herself in apology is way off the mark.

That should say I'm not saying she shouldn't decide to stay!

But you're inferring stuff that the OP didn't say, ellisandra

My ex and I were together for a couple of years. After a while, it was long distance and we went through a phase of splitting up and getting back together.

During one of those, she ended up rejoining the online dating thing where we met. For plenty of reasons. She didn't meet anyone, we were only broken up for a week or so.

I don't consider to have cheated. If I had found a record of her having at one time had the app on her phone, I wouldn't assume she was still using it.

You're inferring that he cheated, just as many people assume he's cheating now.

But there is absolutely no evidence that he is. None. And only people's own assumptions that he ever did.

The reason I have an issue with "User"s posts is because he's quoted completely made up statistics about "billions" of people experiencing this problem with apps, without any actual data to back that up.

Then when asked for actual data, goes on a sarcastic rant about maybe I should check Google. In other words, doesn't have any data.

Does nobody else find it extremely coincidental that the two apps which just happen to appear in OPs DPs app history are dating apps?

Leaving all that aside - OP specifically said that he did NOT have these apps installed before. Apps cannot magically appear as deleted if you've never installed them in the first place. An inconvenient fact which User elected to ignore.

I'm with you pocket, I may be in the minority but I find Users attitude weird and frankly quite aggressive after you called him out

I thought user's first techy post was great

Then he did what these dickswingers always do

They get comfortable, have a nibble on a few cookies and the misogyny seeps out

I've been using Android / google etc since the first phones in 2008.
The first T-Mobile G1. It was a great phone, revolutionary in a lot of ways.

Ever since then I've been an avid android / google user.

In almost 10 years and thousands of apps over 100s of phones and tablets I've never had apps reappearing once removed. Not once.

I have zero evidence to back that up though, its purely my experience with google.

Bant I did not say he had cheated, and I deliberately wrote "made a mistake" not "cheated" precisely because the OP has not been explicit about what exactly happened around POF.

What she has says is that he lied for WEEKS about it.

That's enough for her to have every right - and to be very sensible - to be on red alert when more dating apps appear. Don't you think?

That's why I think user's advice is a load of pony, with regards to her sucking up to him and making sure she makes a joke of it!!

No - she should not make a joke of the fact his LIES for WEEKS over POF mean that she now lives with the shit of being upset by (possibly innocently?) apps re-appearing.

If they can work it out - great. If he's innocent - even better!
But no no no to her making a joke of feelings that stem from his previous lies, and another no to her being the one that has to make it up to him!

I've never had dating apps and I get spam from pof.