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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to end relationship, tonight. Online dating app found

133 replies

Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 22:13

Wow, really hoped this one was going to work :(

Boyfriend of 3 years, moved in 12 months ago (no kids, my house), thought things were going really well, certainly no problems i am aware of.

Tonight when using his tablet (with permission) i found out he has had tinder and match installed. They were in his googles app store, they had been deleted from the device, but still show under the All Apps menu. They were not there 4 months ago.

I have to end it. He is out working and will be home after 11. i'm just so so sad. My last relationship wasn't great, really thought i had a good one this time.

i'm feeling really sad and really... i don't even know. just looking for a bit of support really, and strength to do this.

OP posts:
user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 12:07

@pocketsaviour

I am sorry for you for whatever happened in a past relationship for you to have the views on men that you appear to have.

I hope that the OP and others can see your posts for what they are.

I am not going to engage with you anymore.

Be well.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2017 12:12

@user1485044738
I am not going to engage with you anymore.

Translation: I have been called out on my bullshit and am going to pretend it didn't happen.

Naicehamshop · 22/01/2017 12:20

pocket - why are you being so incredibly aggressive on here? What point are you trying to make?

Chops2016 · 22/01/2017 12:24

I was wondering the same thing, naice.

You're starting to come across as a bit unhinged, pocketsaviour.

Sadtoendthings · 22/01/2017 12:32

Given the statement from user that these can reappear i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I get what some of you are saying re if you need to check its over anyway.... but i dont find my self worried about him cheating day to day. Even with access to his phone ive never checked his messages or facebook... never felt the need to.

I guess i doubt myself a bit for letting things slide the first time. This was a hard line for me but i forgave him. I have probably checked his apps once every 6-8 months. There is no doubt in my mind inbetween. I just like the reassurance im not been taken for a fool

OP posts:
JessicaEccles · 22/01/2017 12:34

I keep getting spam from a Russian lady who thinks I sound like a kind generous man. And offers to make my penis bigger - which wouldn't be difficult Grin

LexieLulu · 22/01/2017 12:37

Have you mentioned them to bf? Just to test his reaction? X

Pringle2628 · 22/01/2017 12:47

On a completely different note but I got my mobile phone bill through in my ex partners name! We never had anything joint ever!

I went to carphone warehouse were I got the phone and they searched his name and said he had never even bought a phone from there and advised me to go to EE store as they are the company that send the bill.

I went off to EE and they said on there system it's all in my name etc and his name isn't registered to there network, they said it must be a typing error, I was like 'a typing error in the name of my ex partner from 7 years ago!' they couldn't explain it and since then every 5th bill roughly has his name on!

I have spoken with my ex partner and he has never bought a phone from carphone warehouse and never used EE network...it's definitely on my credit report and not his either.

Basically just saying wierd things do happen and sometimes totally unexplainable! Sometime things don't make sense at all but you just have to accept it. Xxx

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 12:50

@TheSnowFairy

The latest thing is the updating of agreements that allow all the major software companies to keep a sample of your voice on record.

They are very sneaky about it - it is why you are regularly asked to OK a new agreement whenever there is an update to an app or a piece of software such as a web browser. The agreements are always updated to the benefit of the big companies and not for our benefit.

The software companies are adding more and things in those agreements, that no one reads, giving them permission to record a great deal about you in their databases and to literally access the hard drives on your smartphone or computer.

They know who your friends and family are because, simply, most of us have given permission for them to access and store our contacts. From that they work out a intricate web of where you live, work, who you know and interact with, what your hobbies are and how you live your life.

They know your darkest secrets and fantasies if you have ever expressed, investigated or searched for those dark secrets or fantasies online.

This information is hugely valuable to Amazon, Apple, Google and Microsoft, amongst others, but the rammifications for things such as health, home and car insurance are enormous. Been ordering too many burgers or pizzas online in the past week - how long before your insurance premiums reflect that. Or driving with your smartphone in your car with every turn, twist and what speed you are driving at being reflected in your premiums?

It has huge implications for the cost of living in the years ahead and, more importantly, for free speech and democracy.

What if you want to run for political office in a few years and you have views that are critical of certain vested interest groups such as big business - wouldn't it be useful to silence you with a mere reminder that a record of every website you have ever visited might fall into the hands of the Press?

Don't get me wrong - there are benefits to all of this technology. I like it that when I order something from Amazon that Google alerts track my delivery all the way from Amazon. Or that when I am a certain distance from home Google tells me how far it will be to walk and when the next bus is due.

But the technology is bringing all sorts of dangers as well as the good.

Coming back to the original post of this thread. I have, as the internet has grown and become part of our everyday lives, seen vast numbers of men AND women use the technology to cheat on their partners. I see it in the workplace all the time where people use their corporate accounts during work hours to access social media either using their own names or aliases.

I have seen vast amounts of visual and written pron, racist materials and other nasty stuff downloaded by men AND women, of all ages and all social backgrounds, to work computers.

My professional role has given me a very interesting insight into people and what a great many people are doing online, when they think few if anyone knows what they are doing, is often completely diifferent to the persona that they present in their everyday lives.

But I am also now seeing more and more couples wrongly think that a partner is cheating simply because most people do not fully understand how this technology works and how it regularly has glitches. None of it is perfect but it is worrying how bugs in software, written by 20-somethings on the other side of the planet, can lead to loving partners doubting and worrying over whether their partner is cheating.

If ever in doubt, talk to your partner and do not rely on evidence solely from a piece of technology.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 12:55

@JessicaEccles - you couldn't let me know about those p*nis enlargement emails could you. I have, ahem, a friend that they would be useful for.

Naicehamshop · 22/01/2017 13:31

Very interesting and useful posts user.

Good luck with the penis enlargement. ;)

c3pu · 22/01/2017 13:37

Tonight when using his tablet (with permission) i found out he has had tinder and match installed. They were in his googles app store, they had been deleted from the device, but still show under the All Apps menu. They were not there 4 months ago.

Are you absolutely certain? Because it's perfectly reasonable for him to have been using dating apps before you met and for them to be in his app history.

DontFuckingSayIt · 22/01/2017 13:53

I have an iPhone so this may not be relevant, but I deleted POF and Tinder about six months ago from my phone - just by pressing on the icon and selecting "uninstall" - and they don't appear anywhere on my phone. If I search them on App Store it shows that they are stored in the cloud for me or whatever it is, but I would have to reinstall them and sign back in to use them as if they were completely new apps. If I go to search my phone for them, they just show as available to download in App Store. I.e. You can tell that I have downloaded them in the past if you go into the App Store as if to download them but otherwise there is no sign of them on my phone anywhere. I've certainly never known any App to magically reinstall itself, on Android or iPhone.

chasingrainbows27 · 22/01/2017 14:07

Tinder works by matching you through your network of Facebook friends, so if he has been using it chances are someone you know would've seen him on there.

Vagabond · 22/01/2017 14:33

Hey OP,
Do you really think your man would let you use his ipad/smartphone etc when he's actively engaged in online dating on various Apps?

Most of us know how protective cheaters are with their tech.

I'd day you have nothing to worry about.

User.... I enjoyed your posts. You write very engagingly about tech - you should write a column. Possibly even here on Mumsnet. Think about it. Most of us are so ignorant and disengaged with tech and we need the whole topic distilled down to little, digestible nuggets to keep us informed and vigilant about our vulnerability online. Do it!

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2017 15:58

Just what I need. A column mansplaining tech to me.

Do you remember the thread with a 23yo bloke who kindly offered to answer our little women's IT questions? No thanks

Bant · 22/01/2017 16:07

So is every blog or opinion piece written by a man 'mansplaining' then?

I thought that was when a man offered his expert opinion on things which the woman he was talking to knew far more about.

A blog by an expert to an audience of men and women who aren't experts isn't mansplaining, any more than incorrect accusations of such by a woman can be described as bitter feminist ranting.

picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 17:27

I found the tech posts interesting... I'm not knowledgeable about tech and I'm female. I didn't find it patronising so I didn't feel mansplained. I felt mansplained when a whippersnapper told me how to put up a tent, and later explained that I shouldn't plug two kettles in at the same time.

Sorry for the derail, OP, I hope your DP proves worthy of your trust.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2017 17:34

Just you and me, apparently BOOP.

I just LOVE being talked down to by a twenty-something who thinks his IT "know how" means he can show off to The Wimminz without any facts or data to back up what he's saying.

Call me a cynical bitch if you must, but I'd wager he's used these very "facts" to explain away the presence of dating apps on his own phone, to that partner of his who thinks he's a saint in human form for getting out of bed in the middle of the night and patronising coming up with a convoluted series of coincidences that will get OP's DP out of the shite.

user87654321 · 22/01/2017 18:17

Pocket, what the heck is your problem?

starskey80 · 22/01/2017 18:58

I don't think his posts are talking down to anyone.
You are being ridiculous pocketsaver.

All very interesting to know, and bit freaky.

PaterPower · 22/01/2017 18:59

Jeesh. I'm in my 40s, currently work for an AV software house and have a background in email security. User's post didn't feel patronising and he was reasonably accurate without boring the bejesus out of everyone.

He was trying to reassure the OP because she couldn't see any other explanation than he'd been cheating on her. Believe it (or clearly not, for you) we're not all cheating scumbags just because a roll of the dice "gifted" us with a different chromosomal pairing you know. And when we add a different POV, or offer advice, it's not always because us big bad menz are looking to add points* on our Patriarchy Pass TM, Copyright Reserved ...sometimes we're actually trying to be helpful.

*Which is kind of a shame, 'cos I'm only 200 away from the gold-embossed "Trump Rulez OK" bumper sticker

Bant · 22/01/2017 19:06

pocket - sorry, you're coming across as a bit weird. The tech user bloke posted some background info which would explain the OPs original dilemma - to the satisfaction of almost everyone, I think - and now you're using him of cheating?

I think you have some misplaced anger issues.

ImaLannister · 22/01/2017 19:38

I too would give him the benefit of the doubt OP. Can't end things without concrete evidence. Could be innocent. If you end it I think you would end up regretting it and thinking what if.

TreacleTreacleLittleStar · 22/01/2017 19:59

Sadtoendthings - I wouldn't! I have worked with Android handsets for 6 years now and I have NEVER come across dating apps reappearing!! And no, for Tinder to search between those specific ages, he will have had to have recently searched it himself. Let me guess, he's 26?! Or you are?! RUN!!!!!