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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to end relationship, tonight. Online dating app found

133 replies

Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 22:13

Wow, really hoped this one was going to work :(

Boyfriend of 3 years, moved in 12 months ago (no kids, my house), thought things were going really well, certainly no problems i am aware of.

Tonight when using his tablet (with permission) i found out he has had tinder and match installed. They were in his googles app store, they had been deleted from the device, but still show under the All Apps menu. They were not there 4 months ago.

I have to end it. He is out working and will be home after 11. i'm just so so sad. My last relationship wasn't great, really thought i had a good one this time.

i'm feeling really sad and really... i don't even know. just looking for a bit of support really, and strength to do this.

OP posts:
tommytippedup · 22/01/2017 05:27

I've never used Android, but have given up trying to permantly rid myself of apps on IOS. They come back more times than the local Jehova Witnesses.

SuffolkingGrand · 22/01/2017 05:49

If he's logged into the apps already then would they not open automatically and not need a password each time? Worth a try. Sorry if I've missed this suggestion earlier.

Ellisandra · 22/01/2017 06:55

It's a very useful post from user, yes.

But just because they can reappear doesn't mean they will.

In general terms - it's pretty common for people to cheat.

In specific terms:
Two of the biggest dating apps have re-appeared.
The boyfriend has form for going back on POF during this relationship.
The boyfriend lied last time he was caught out, repeatedly.
Most of his emails have been deleted.

Either explanation is possible but I know which one is more likely. Hmm

Sorry, OP. There is a good reason why you don't trust him after last time - that alone, him not doing enough to rebuild the trust - is good enough reason to dump him.

tralaaa · 22/01/2017 07:09

Off point a bit but did you know insurance companies can use Facebook information.

lottieandmia · 22/01/2017 07:33

I think the fact that you have had to treat him like a child in the past and run through and delete his applications is a bad sign in itself.

Zoflorabore · 22/01/2017 07:49

How did it go op? I hope you are ok.

DowhatIwanttodo · 22/01/2017 08:16

My iPad shows about 30 deleted apps but for some reason it doesn't show tinder which I deleted last week. Not helpful to you probably but I would say there is no rhyme nor reason to it sometimes. However you seem adamant he is up to something which suggests you are getting other vibes.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2017 08:53

It is actually very common for old deleted apps to reappear in the Play Store on an Android phone. It happens all the time. It happens to tens of millions of people. Probably hundreds of millions of people.

Whilst that may be the case (although certainly not for hundreds of millions of people, ffs) it doesn't explain two brand new dating apps magically appearing in his app history.

Sorry OP. Hope you're okay today.

WatchingFromTheWings · 22/01/2017 09:47

Off point a bit but did you know insurance companies can use Facebook information.

Yep. If you're posting pics of you on some exotic holiday and you're home is broken into whilst you're away, you can kiss goodbye to your claim.

And if you're a teenage lad bragging about speeding or doing donuts in a car park late at night you can probably add a couple of extra zeros to your insurance quote. That's if they don't just cancel it.

Original poster
Sadtoendthings · 22/01/2017 10:02

Thanks. user that was interesting and good to know things can "just come back" into the app store even if previously deleted.

He got in after midnight so was late by the time we finished talking.

He claims to know nothing about either.

Installed both on his phone. Did password reset for match, no email had come through from then by the time i went to bed...

Tinder, logged in straight through his facebook.... no pictures of him on it, just his name and job... which he said had obviously been picked up from facebook account. but it immediatly started searching for women aged 26-40 in an x mile radius of where we are... there were no "likes" but ive never used tinder so didnt know where to look for messages.... could the search criteria be a default.

He was happy for me to have the phone and check the apps. He was annoyed at himself for fucking up last time and is sorry he obviously hasnt done enough to fix it....

OP posts:
Emberroo · 22/01/2017 10:06

OP, if they were in iCloud and he's got a new phone, they will automatically download. Ask him?

PinkFluff2 · 22/01/2017 10:20

It doesn't sound like he's been using it to me. Tinder does all that by default. It takes your name and age from Facebook and anything else he has as public information e.g. If his job is public then it will go on his tinder profile as default.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 10:28

Whilst that may be the case (although certainly not for hundreds of millions of people, ffs)

@pocketsaviour - yes, it is probably happening to hundreds of millions of people for the very reasons that I mentioned.

Have you never had something go wrong on a computer or an ipad? If so, you would be the exception amongst billions of people on the planet using such devices. Have you never had something go wrong on such a device and then discover that hundreds of millions of people around the world - often BILLIONS of people - are affected by the exact same problem? No? Never?

Well, you would be unique amongst technology users on the planet if that was the case. It happens all the time and nowadays even regularly makes the news headlines when something major goes wrong on a Apple, Google or Microsoft device. Minor glitches, in ways too numerous to mention, happen daily to billions of PCs, laptops, smartphones, tablets, games consoles, etc, etc.

it doesn't explain two brand new dating apps magically appearing in his app history.

Yes it does. My post explained it. It explained it in great detail. It is something that I see all the time in a professional and personal context. Either you did not understand my post or, for whatever reason, you do not wish to understand it.

OP, I am not going to tell you what to do. I do not know all the circumstances of what is going on in your relationship. There might be other things concerning you. But if you allow some strangers on the internet to encourage you to finish a relationship purely because of this then fool on you.

Best of luck OP. I hope you get past what is clearly a troubling time for you.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 10:41

@Sadtoendthings.

I am glad that you had the conversation with him and that you sound as if you are now more at ease about things. I would take his word as being honest in this and try to put it behind you.

I will tell you a quick Tinder story.

Several years ago, when Tinder first came out, I downloaded it to my Android phone at the time to have a look at what all the fuss was about. I was single at the time - but that does not matter in my regard as I often check out all types of apps merely for my work purposes.

Once I had downloaded it I went to run it and it asked me for my Facebook account details. I do not have a Facebook account as, years ago, I decided that FB was best avoided. So I closed the Tinder app down, uninstalled it and forgot about it.

Guess what - Tinder keeps showing up in my All Apps despite myself having deleted it from there several times over the years. It shows up on my smartphone in All Apps regularly despite myself now being on the third smartphone from the smartphone that I actually downloaded it onto. It shows up purely for the reasons that I detailed in my original post.

I hope you and your patner are able to get past this and go on to have a wonderful and long relationship.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 10:45

@pocketsaviour - yes, once Tinder has been linked to a FB account when you login to it it automatically goes off searching for people based on the information in your FB account and also your Location settings on your smartphone.

It gives the impression that the user has configured it to search like that but it is all automatic.

Just have a lovely day together. Put this in the past as one of those worrying but silly things that happens between couples.

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 10:58

No, I am the guy whose partner thinks I am a wonderful man because I have just sat up for an hour in the middle of a weekend night writing out a detailed post hopefully helping to allay the fears of someone who is very anxious about her relationship.

I was joking Smile. I read it all, interesting stuff and things I wasn't aware of either.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 11:02

@PollytheDolly - no offence taken. I knew you were joking.

I was just trying to reaffirm to the OP the sincerity of my original post.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2017 11:04

yes, it is probably happening to hundreds of millions of people for the very reasons that I mentioned.

Cite, please.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 11:14

I am going to say one last thing on this thread now and then I will shut up.

Obviously, the OP has been very worried and anxious about all of this. She has bravely confronted her partner and he has said that he knows nothing about it. I suspect, for the reasons that I outlined, that is the truth.

But, as a man, his ego is going to be a bit sensitive now. He might not show it on the outside but, inside, he probably will be a bit hurt about his faithfulness and honesty being called into question.

It is the kind of thing that, for a lot of men, it ruminates inside of them and is difficult to let go of. It can be a seed that festers and grows and, in time, harm a relationship. Good men angst about these things - the b*stards do not give a sh..

May I suggest that the OP shows him some extra TLC today. Give him a few hugs, kisses and laugh/make a joke of all of this so it does not fester inside of him. Make sure that you are now aware that it was all a silly misunderstanding - one that is happening to more and more couples due to how this technology works.

Have great s*x today.

TheStoic · 22/01/2017 11:19

May I suggest that the OP shows him some extra TLC today

Um, no.

The OP doesn't need to make up for thinking that someone who has previously proven to be shifty may be doing something shifty.

If his huge manly ego can't see that, the man is a knob.

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 11:23

@pocketsaviour

Cite, please.

Well, you could try a new technology called Google. It is an amazing piece of software which allows even the most technically inept person to search for basically any kind of information that they seek.

Maybe you could spend some time learning how to use it and then do a search for all the articles, over the past 20 years in hundreds of worldwide publications, newspapers and other online media, detailing software updates and glitches that, at any one time, have affected hundreds of millions, and often billions, of Microsoft, Google and Apple users.

Right, I am not going to engage with you anymore. The most important thing on here, and the only reason that I posted, was to hopefully help allay the worries of the OP.

Life is too short folks. If you find a wonderful person then hold on to him or her - don't let others who, in their own misery, want you to join their company.

JustSpeakSense · 22/01/2017 11:28

This level of distrust will eventually kill your relationship.

If you feel the need to check up on him to this degree there is something very wrong. Either you need to trust that he has accepted his past mistakes, taken responsibility for his actions and trust him completely, or you need to admit that you don't think he's changed and he is untrustworthy and then you need to leave him.

Living in a relationship of constant distrust is not going to be sustainable in the long term, your distrust of him will erode your relationship.

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 11:32

I like you user. You sound like a good guy. Interesting to hear a mans perspective.

We need an update from the OP now.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2017 11:54

@user1485044738

Awww, thanks for explaining that to me! My poor little lady brains was so CONFOOSED!

I did Google, son, and my googling led me to believe that you are mistaking anecdata for fact. Your sarcastic follow up only cemented my conviction that you're talking through your arse and have no statistics to back up your ridiculously over-inflated claims that billions (lol!) of people are regularly experiencing dating apps appearing on their android handsets.

But never mind, you have a penis and therefore we should all believe you.

TheSnowFairy · 22/01/2017 11:54

Very interesting user. Scary that so much info is so easily available and is linked for so long Shock