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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to end relationship, tonight. Online dating app found

133 replies

Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 22:13

Wow, really hoped this one was going to work :(

Boyfriend of 3 years, moved in 12 months ago (no kids, my house), thought things were going really well, certainly no problems i am aware of.

Tonight when using his tablet (with permission) i found out he has had tinder and match installed. They were in his googles app store, they had been deleted from the device, but still show under the All Apps menu. They were not there 4 months ago.

I have to end it. He is out working and will be home after 11. i'm just so so sad. My last relationship wasn't great, really thought i had a good one this time.

i'm feeling really sad and really... i don't even know. just looking for a bit of support really, and strength to do this.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 23:01

No, they won't be spam. You wouldn't get that sort of spam unless you'd been on some sort of dating/porn site.

TheUnforgiven · 21/01/2017 23:06

They wouldn't go to trash unless actively deleted? If he hadn't opened them, they would be in Spam.

Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 23:07

imperial that's in the back of my mind. But the Tinder and Match is more then enough on their own.

It might seem like i'm being hasty but i just have a gut feeling. They aren't there by accident. We both work away, he has all the opportunity he could wish to cheat. I've trusted he wont but finding these apps has made me doubt him.

OP posts:
Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 23:08

its odd they were in trash as everything else in trash, bar a couple of things from the last day, were deleted.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 21/01/2017 23:12

Sometimes you just have to go with your instinct :-(

jeaux90 · 21/01/2017 23:18

I still have all my dating apps in store even though I deleted them about a year ago. I also deactivated my accounts but still get emails from POF people. You need to be 100% sure.

scottishdiem · 21/01/2017 23:23

You need him to open the apps to see if there are any messages. I have had long dead apps turn up on my phone and tablet before. I once logged into a very old Itunes account on a new apple device and all I got was about 1000 emails from dating website. DP (who is a geek) laughed and basically said "that will learn you". It can happen. But check the profile he has and the messages. If the profile looks old and no messages I would say its not a real problem.

Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 23:32

I deleted the pof and kik apps from his app history after last time... after you uninstall something it still shows in the app store unless you specifically delete it. I went through that list and deleted anything like that... so i would know if he ever re added them (even if he uninstalled them).

These are new

OP posts:
Sadtoendthings · 21/01/2017 23:32

I will ask him to open and log on tho.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 21/01/2017 23:36

I get lots of dating site type junk emails but have never used one so Imperial isn't quite right when she says that

Rubberubberduckduck · 21/01/2017 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2017 23:45

You do sound very certain op

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/01/2017 23:50

You've got to do what feels right for you, OP, but it may not be entirely clear cut.

I get some really weird emails from dating websites. I've been with the same man since I was 16 and never online dated. I also joined Tinder a couple of years ago, to see who from our area was on it and what they are saying about themselves. That said, DP knew about that because we had a laugh together with our friends going through it. The secrecy is the issue.

GlitteryFluff · 22/01/2017 00:01

I get lots of dating/viagra/hook Up type emails and I've never signed up to any kind of dating site or app.

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 00:31

Um. Be careful OP. I doubt he would let you have access if he's anything to hide.

Make sure you are 100 percent correct before you end it. As he's given you access you can easily question him now because, well, he gave you access. Be cool to start.

If he's lying, then fill your boots Flowers

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 22/01/2017 00:39

I'd say go with your gut. No need to get too angry with him, just explain that you obviously don't trust him (true) and you realised that when you saw these apps. Even if he denies or gets angry, you are the one who can't resolve this for you. I don't think it sounds like he is very good for you actually, more like you are worried he is taking you for a ride.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 22/01/2017 00:43

My point is you don't always need 'proof' that something is wrong if you really feel it. It will affect your relationship if there is little trust. Him being away a lot, him having done this before, the deleted emails and self materialising apps all focus in on the fact you aren't 100% confident he has your interests at heart. What worries me is that he is usually seemingly conscientious about clearing out his emails/apps etc but suddenly has let you on it without doing so...have you been having problems?

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 01:38

Hi,

I just created this account as II felt that I could help in this matter. I am an IT consultant with 30 years in internet security, software development and I work, or have worked, for some of the top computer firms in the world at senior level. In other words, I know my stuff.

I only mention the above in order to try and reassure the worried OP that she most likely has nothing to be worried about.

It is actually very common for old deleted apps to reappear in the Play Store on an Android phone. It happens all the time. It happens to tens of millions of people. Probably hundreds of millions of people.

Before I started writing this I checked my own Android phone and I have loads of old deleted apps in my Play Store account that I know that I have, several times, deleted from All Apps and My Apps repeatedly. But they keep coming back.

Why do they keep coming back?

The reality is that there are a number of reasons why these apps could have reappeared on the phone. The software itself is not perfect. It suffers from what are known as glitches. Some would argue that it is very buggy. It is far from perfect.

There are known synchronisation issues between an individual's Play Store Account and their Google Account. When you re-synch your phone, as most Android phones are configured to do daily or weekly, errors in the synchronisation process can upload or download wrong, out of date or deleted information - this includes information about what apps are on your phone.

This is very common.

I had a situation last year when I was setting up a completely new Android phone. I synched the phone with my Google account, and hence also with my Play Store account, and the phone began downloading my contacts, emails & photos to my phone.

My heart skipped several beats when a current photograph of someone I dated 12 years ago, and who I have not talked to or even seen in that time and have no interest in seeing ever again, suddenly appeared on my phone. (For a moment I had a paranoid thought of how did this person track me.). That information was NOT anywhere in my Google account. It was not, obviously, on my brand new phone either.

How did this happen?

Well, somewhere in Google's databases they have a load of info on me as I have had a gmail email account from day one. They know that I used to know that person and, without any prompting from me, decided to add the contact details of someone from my past - along with the contact details of several other people I worked with years ago - to my new phone.

As an IT profession I have read numerous posts on IT forums, for many years now, from software developers angsting over why deleted apps keep reappearing and whether it is possible to find a way to stop it happening.

The issues that I mentioned above are some, but not all, of the common reasons. But there is another possible reason.

Google makes a huge amount of money via apps so they want as many apps as possible on your phone - especially the ones which help make Google a lot of money by being able to track your personal information. Dating apps are amongst the most lucrative as they often require very detailed personal information from you - along with you giving them a load of permissions on your phone when you install them - when you join up. This information is sold to companies for marketing purposes.

How many people on here have ever read the full permission agreement for apps like POF, Tinder, etc, when you install them? Any one? No, of course not. Probably 99.9% of people just click on OK and have no idea what personal information about themselves they are agreeing to sharing.

People have no idea what information they have given to the likes of Apple and Google via their smartphones. No idea at all. And no idea of how those companies can link together who you know, where you go and what things you like simply by installing a few seemingly innocent apps.

Via this Google and Apple have become two of the richest companies on the planet.

So it is in their interests to keep 'accidentally' pushing apps back onto our phones via glitches and bugs - especially, as I mentioned above, those very lucrative dating apps where we not only give loads of really personal info but also now give our photos. (Yes, we are all being tracked online by our photos as well and, increasingly, as many of the new app agreements include allowing companies to keep a record of our voices, by our voices. ).

I suspect that the OP's partner has simply had some kind of sychronisation glitch between his Play Store and Google Accounts. He may even have reset his phone at some point. His Google Account may have become corrupted or lost and Google simply restored it from a backup without him ever knowing there was anything wrong - but the backup included apps from months back. There are too many possible technological reasons why this has happened. As I said, this is something that is happening to millions and millions of people.

Whilst dating apps and smartphones are allowing an awful lot of people to cheat on their partners the other side of the coin is that this same technology is, for some of the above innocent reasons, leading to perfectly happy relationships breaking up.

Regarding the SPAM emails - someone said that you have to look at a site about viagra or s*x in order to get SPAM emails about them. This is COMPLETE RUBBISH and should be completely ignored.

There are thousands of firms based in places like Russia, China, India and elsewhere sending out BILLIONS of SPAM emails targetting EACH AND EVERY SINGLE EMAIL ADDRESS on the planet daily. Every single one of us has such SPAM emails for pron, viagra, whatever, sent to us daily but the VAST majority of it is intercepted by the routers and servers that work on the internet backbone and at your internet service provider.

I have an 89 year old neighbour who only ever uses the internet to look at who has died locally, the football results and videos of passenger aircraft. He wonders why he gets emails asking him to go to s*x sites or for viagra. His 82 year old wife uses her ipad to order knitting supplies online and to play Hay Day - she is amused to get emails for viagra and asking her to view pron sites. Should they both divorce as clearly merely receiving these SPAM emails means that they are lying to each other about what websites they visit?

I hope this helps. Best wishes in your relationship OP.

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 01:41

You're her boyfriend, aren't you? Grin

user1485044738 · 22/01/2017 01:47

No, I am the guy whose partner thinks I am a wonderful man because I have just sat up for an hour in the middle of a weekend night writing out a detailed post hopefully helping to allay the fears of someone who is very anxious about her relationship.

ImaLannister · 22/01/2017 01:56

User very kind, thoughtful & helpful of you. That must have taken you some time to think & write all of that. If OP or anyone else on here doesn't appreciate your efforts, then I sure do 😀

CryptoFascist · 22/01/2017 02:02

User, insightful post, thank you.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/01/2017 02:18

I think you have doubts despite the dating apps OP and this is just the icing the cake eg an excuse to end things!

So end them...

Jeanstootight · 22/01/2017 04:56

User-that was a really great post and very useful. It's scary how we are being tracked on the internet you only have to look on Facebook to see suggested posts which are obviously vaguely linked to some random google search you did 6months ago! You're probably right the marketing tactics of google etc have prob destroyed quite a few good relationships. Op, before you end it get access to those accounts (not used them but can you check by area?) your gut is usually right but give the guy a chance to explain

Jeanstootight · 22/01/2017 05:00

Oh and I can give experience of things randomly reappearing. Years ago DH and I added the website of a hotel to favourites on a laptop. Despite removing this has stayed on favourites through many changes of phone,iPad and laptops. We must have looked at it so many times in the run up to the holiday it's ingrained on our vitiate profiles somehow!