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Relationships

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Original poster

"but it's not really a lie"

120 replies

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:11

I'm prepared for you to tell me I'm taking things too much to heart and being unreasonable - but I really need some perspective from someone uninvolved as I cant see the wood from the trees.

This conversation happened today, but we have a lot of conversations along the same lines, this is just the most recent:-

This morning......
Me: are you going straight to have haircut after work and do you have enough cash?
DH: Might do, depends when I finish work, can't pay as haven't got a bean (so I give him the money - this is not an issue, haircuts for both of us come out of the family budget, which I run. I was just being lazy and not wanting to go upstairs and get my bag. If he had enough cash to pay I would have reimbursed him when he got home)

This afternoon........
Me: You're home early, you must be starving - you left your lunch in the fridge, are you going to have a snack before your hair appointment?
DH: No I had a bacon sandwich from the van outside work
Me: oh you must need more cash for haircut then
DH: No I had enough for a sandwich, still have haircut money
Me: But you said you didn't have any money
DH: I meant not enough for haircut
Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?
DH: well it wasnt really a lie, it was just easier to say it that way.

We are now not speaking and he can't see why. He thinks I am being mean minded and touchy about nothing at all. I on the other hand am fed up of him being like this. HIs default is always " take the easy route", so if it is easiest to lie then he does. It's never about anything big, so he thinks it's OK. I can't make him see that it means I question everything (in my mind) that he tells me because he finds it so easy to lie. He says it's just laziness. I disagree.

Is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:

lookatyourwatchnow · 20/01/2017 19:53

Anotheremma - bullshit right back at you. As if you would allow your partner to behave like that towards you.

RebelRogue · 20/01/2017 22:48

This is about living with someone who lies easily and often and pointlessly about mundane, unimportant trivia

This is actually why this scenario is a bad example. Because to many people it's not even a lie,just a figure of speech. So I,personally,can't say for sure if all the other issues are lies or something OP perceives as lies which makes me unable to accept the straw that broke the camel's back comment. Since op reacted like she did and flounced off (pissed off at husband over perceived lie,not talking to him,pissed off at posters over perceived offence,not talking to them..see a pattern there?) I doubt the husband is as bad as she says he is.

mumofthemonsters808 · 20/01/2017 23:16

This is a very bizarre post, I can't believe a grown man can be expected to justify having a bacon buttie over a haircut. I'd be telling lies in this situation too because I couldn't be arsed tolerating the trivial discussion, I wouldn't be listening to the questioning or justifying my decision.The not speaking to each other, seems extreme and very childish given the circumstances.He sounds like a teenage boy and you sound like his Mother, the only thing I can think of to explain this interrogation, is that he is a gambler and you need to monitor him. Some women on here do have husbands who lie and it destroys their relationship, by your example, your husband isn't one of them.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/01/2017 23:21

Sorry I think you're overthinking this and getting bogged down in detail.

If I were going out and had a fiver that I'd earmarked for something, I wouldn't necessarily share that. If DH asked me to get or do something that would eat into that fiver, yes I would probably say I didn't have the money.

I really think you need to let it go.

Gabilan · 20/01/2017 23:22

It sounds to me like different communication styles. If someone asks me how I am I tend to say "oh fine thanks". It's not exactly true. An accurate answer would be "slightly anxious, a little stressed, depression rising, bit of a cough, don't like having to worry about debts and I've got chilblains as well". This is a bit unnecessary though so I just say "fine thanks, how are you?"

He could have answered "I have some small change, maybe enough for a bacon sandwich but not enough for a haircut" but he just cut to the chase and said he had no money. It's not entirely faithfully accurate but it's true enough in the circumstances because he needed more money for his hair.

You like a more literal approach, OP. He's just more relaxed. You probably both need to work on it to avoid having these major rows.

Sweets101 · 20/01/2017 23:25

I think you did use the wrong example because the example you used it wouldn't even cross my mind that he had 'lied', not without a great big back story

chipsandchilli · 20/01/2017 23:39

You asked if he had enough for a haircut and he didn't, he also probably didn't know he was gong to buy a sandwich when you asked. He might have had a few pound coins in his pocket. If he said well i haven't got enough for a haircut but i have got £2 in my pocket would you have just gave him the difference for the haircut. If i only had a couple of coins i would say i haven't got any money as well. I also leave change in the car so normally i could gather together enough for a sandwich if i wanted one. I would feel very controlled if i had to explain buying a sandwich or called a liar for doing so.

user1478860582 · 21/01/2017 09:56

Well as the OP wasn't talking to him last night I do hope he's quietly slipped out this morning and is sat eating a full English breakfast with mug of tea whilst doing the crossword!

UpYerGansey · 21/01/2017 11:15

I would go stark staring mad if I had to live in an environment like the one described
"Are you going to go straight from work for your haircut" WHAT??
"You're home early and you didn't eat your lunch". Dear God....

Stark. Staring. MAD.

Is the person you're married to permitted any personal agency at all? I pity him.

ShatnersWig · 21/01/2017 11:53

The fact that the OP flounced off so easily makes me feel the majority view was right and that her bloke would never win in any situation.

SingingSilver · 21/01/2017 15:23

That second example you gave was so unnecessary! He's an adult, not your child. Seriously, that's exactly how I speak to my 12 year old. Who by the way said I was being 'patronizing' the other week which gave me pause for thought...

scottishdiem · 21/01/2017 16:19

"Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?"

If this is the type of scrunty you are under and you cannot provide detailed accounts when immediately asked then lying becomes far easier and preferable.

Meeep · 21/01/2017 16:29

Yabu, unless all the other examples are really different.

dudsville · 21/01/2017 16:34

I think the dialogue is odd. I agree with some pps who comment that you ask a lot of questions. You sound like the House Manager. If you hold the budget and he needs money surely he'd come to you.

DistanceCall · 21/01/2017 16:46

You shouldn't be giving him money. Both of you should have access to the family money. It's infantilising and controlling.

YABVU

MyWineTime · 21/01/2017 18:12

You can't trust a liar, no matter how small the lies are, did we not stop telling fibs in school?
This is delusional. Everyone lies, it's human nature. Have you not seen the film Liar Liar? Just how impossible would life be if everyone told the complete unfiltered truth at all times?

And this wasn't even a lie! Was he really expected to empty out his pockets and count up his small change so that he could answer "honestly"? He needed money for the haircut, that was the significant meaning he had to convey, "not a bean" was a perfectly acceptable way to describe his current cash status.

NameChange30 · 21/01/2017 18:19

Maybe the OP has taken to interrogating him because he is compulsive liar and she feels she can't trust him.
Maybe he started lying for an easy life because she has always interrogated him.
Interesting that most people have assumed it's the latter.
I just don't think it's possible to judge or even guess without more info.

mummwest · 21/01/2017 18:30

I wouldn't consider it a lie, sure, there are people who are addicted to telling lies, but from what has been said so far I wouldn't consider him to be one of those people, I wouldn't consider what was said your OP to be a lie, just a turn of phrase.

I think the difference is one of those people addicted to telling lies would have conducted a big random story about where they got the money to buy the sandwich.

Reow · 23/01/2017 10:15

Sounds like you're micromanaging him to the extent that he's not being honest to avoid being nagged to death.

stealmyhappiness · 24/01/2017 14:11

surely he would ask if he needed extra money and therefore there wasnt any reason for you to ask then get mad. it does seem like you want to micro manage.

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