"but it's not really a lie"

[anhte]

I'm prepared for you to tell me I'm taking things too much to heart and being unreasonable - but I really need some perspective from someone uninvolved as I cant see the wood from the trees.

This conversation happened today, but we have a lot of conversations along the same lines, this is just the most recent:-

This morning......
Me: are you going straight to have haircut after work and do you have enough cash?
DH: Might do, depends when I finish work, can't pay as haven't got a bean (so I give him the money - this is not an issue, haircuts for both of us come out of the family budget, which I run. I was just being lazy and not wanting to go upstairs and get my bag. If he had enough cash to pay I would have reimbursed him when he got home)

This afternoon........
Me: You're home early, you must be starving - you left your lunch in the fridge, are you going to have a snack before your hair appointment?
DH: No I had a bacon sandwich from the van outside work
Me: oh you must need more cash for haircut then
DH: No I had enough for a sandwich, still have haircut money
Me: But you said you didn't have any money
DH: I meant not enough for haircut
Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?
DH: well it wasnt really a lie, it was just easier to say it that way.

We are now not speaking and he can't see why. He thinks I am being mean minded and touchy about nothing at all. I on the other hand am fed up of him being like this. HIs default is always " take the easy route", so if it is easiest to lie then he does. It's never about anything big, so he thinks it's OK. I can't make him see that it means I question everything (in my mind) that he tells me because he finds it so easy to lie. He says it's just laziness. I disagree.

Is it me? AIBU?

Heaven's above - get a joint account and stop all this doling out money lark - it is ridiculous!

In your original post you said you were prepared to be told if you were being unreasonable and the overwhelming response is that you are. Take the advice on board, go and make it up with your OH, lighten up a bit.

it's very odd that the first thing to pop into your mind about the bacon sarnie is "where did the money for that come from"

I have no idea what money dh has on his person ....and vice versa

You doling out cash/reimbursing him for spending money is also odd, but I accept that folks do things differently, but really can you not see that keeping track of every penny is controlling and frankly weird.

Also the whole haircut and "do you have enough cash" convo sounds like you are talking a 12 year old through their day
No wonder he lies!

in this house I'd have asked what time he'd be home and that'd have been it.

Poor husband. Does he have to account for parking meter money as well?

Is he your husband or your child?

OP, I get it. My ex fiance was similar to how I think your DH is - lots of pointless lies when the truth wouldn't have been a problem at all. He was lazy, terribly lazy. More importantly, he just didn't care if he told me the truth or not. I turned in to a paranoid harpie as I never knew if he was telling the truth or not. He would lie about absolutely anything. I'm afraid I don't have any advice that would help you. He didn't change. I did. I left him, and am now in a relationship with a man who doesn't lie indiscriminately. I am no longer a paranoid (and angry) harpie.

Having enough money for a sarnie isn't the same as having enough for a hair cut.

For me and DH, if you've only got enough for a bacon sarnie and not enough for a haircut is the same as having fuck all - colloquially that's not having a bean.

That's not lying and your example paints you as overly controlling over a couple of quid, even in your misunderstanding.

So yes, YABU as the huge majority have said (given you asked) but I get the impression from your posts that's you're not the sort to admit to your DH you were wrong and to apologise.

If you told me this was a conversation between a mother and her son I'd believe you.

YABU! A bacon butty FFS.

But this isn't about a pissing bacon butty FFS. This is about living with someone who lies easily and often and pointlessly about mundane, unimportant trivia. I would really struggle to cope with that. I'd be wondering whether if he can lie about the little stuff, can or does he lie about the big stuff. I have no helpful advice, but I do feel for the OP.

But what if he wasn't lying? What if he'd not been aware how much change he had til he checked? Definite lying would be saying 'oh I wasn't hungry' and then she found out he'd had a bacon sarnie.

Saying I've got no money on me and then it transpiring you have some is hardly a rare occurrence unless you're broke and watching every penny. It's not evidence of lying.

What if he'd not been aware how much change he had til he checked?

Exactly. I'd know I wouldn't have enough for a haircut, but not that the change added up to the couple of quid for bacon butty.

Even so, he got money dying the budget for the haircut, which he's not spent, and spent money that wasn't in the budget for his lunch.

If it's a post about lying I'm still waiting for the big reveal!! Saying he hasn't a bean but having a couple of quid for a bacon buttie is barely barely a lie, it's the tiniest untruth, not even worth noting. I can't believe you actually keep track of 2-3 pound! I can't actually believe that his hair cut (10 pounds or so?) Has to come out of the household expenditure!

I thought this was a reverse from an EA victim until OP flounced

Does he only have access to money which you give him?

My mind has been blown!

This thread is an excellent illustration of the importance of describing the whole picture in the OP, and giving several examples, rather than just recounting one single incident and expecting everyone to get it!

Christ on a bike, you sound awful! giving him a grilling over what he ate/how he paid for it, and then refusing to speak to him is abusive OP and you need to address this side of you. Your poor husband, not a chance could I put up with this crap.

Massive overreactions from people telling the OP she is abusive, what bullshit!

Surely he's old enough to work out whether he's got enough money for a haircut himself and ask for some if he hasn't - although even then he should be able to go and get some out of the cash point if he hasn't.

You do seem to be treating him like a child Op.

anotheremma if the OP posts to say her husband controls the finances and questions what she spends money on, making her justify why she needs it, she is told to leave her abusive husband.

How is the OP any different?! Just because she's a woman?!

I don't think he was lying based on what you've posted. It's a turn of phrase, that's all. I think as others have said that you've taken it very literally. It reminds me of many conversations I've had with DD who has Aspergers. She constantly accused me of lying and yes technically I was. But in how normal, not literal, conversations go I wasn't.

For example I'd tell her I'd she could use the computer in 5 minutes, when I finished. It'd take a bit more than 5 and she'd go mad because I'd lied to her.

Perhaps lying has become a habit because it doesn't matter whether he tells the truth or not , he will still be given the Spanish Inquisition .

From the examples you give you are talking to him like he's a child. It's his haircut, let him be responsible for having money available to pay for it.

It's his food/appetite. Let him decide whether he wants to eat or not.

SIL once chucked DB out for not posting a letter. Only it wasn't that but the fact he lied, yet again, about having posted it.

My DB doesn't lie to be lazy but he says what he thinks you want to hear, regardless of whether it's true.

It's infuriating.

SIL took him back btw