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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"but it's not really a lie"

120 replies

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:11

I'm prepared for you to tell me I'm taking things too much to heart and being unreasonable - but I really need some perspective from someone uninvolved as I cant see the wood from the trees.

This conversation happened today, but we have a lot of conversations along the same lines, this is just the most recent:-

This morning......
Me: are you going straight to have haircut after work and do you have enough cash?
DH: Might do, depends when I finish work, can't pay as haven't got a bean (so I give him the money - this is not an issue, haircuts for both of us come out of the family budget, which I run. I was just being lazy and not wanting to go upstairs and get my bag. If he had enough cash to pay I would have reimbursed him when he got home)

This afternoon........
Me: You're home early, you must be starving - you left your lunch in the fridge, are you going to have a snack before your hair appointment?
DH: No I had a bacon sandwich from the van outside work
Me: oh you must need more cash for haircut then
DH: No I had enough for a sandwich, still have haircut money
Me: But you said you didn't have any money
DH: I meant not enough for haircut
Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?
DH: well it wasnt really a lie, it was just easier to say it that way.

We are now not speaking and he can't see why. He thinks I am being mean minded and touchy about nothing at all. I on the other hand am fed up of him being like this. HIs default is always " take the easy route", so if it is easiest to lie then he does. It's never about anything big, so he thinks it's OK. I can't make him see that it means I question everything (in my mind) that he tells me because he finds it so easy to lie. He says it's just laziness. I disagree.

Is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 20/01/2017 16:50

I think it's the fact you said that on the basis of that exchange alone, you aren't talking. That's sounds quite extreme and controlling.

I can see it's annoying if your partner uses language differently to you or you get crossed wires or whatever. But to fall out and stop speaking over it doesn't sound healthy.

WizardOfToss · 20/01/2017 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 20/01/2017 16:51

Sorry you're having a hard time with this OP. I think the reason is you used a money example and money tends to set people off on here

Fwiw, I completely understand what you're saying. It would have been just as easy to say "I've only got a couple pounds, so no" rather than "I've got no money at all". Why Couldn't he just stick to the actual truth?

Small lies tend to lead to big lies from my experience. Once you accept the small lies they begin to balloon into bigger lies that you don't catch because you're so used to the little lies. (In my case - lying about being at work/on work trips when he was with OW).

The issue isn't you micromanaging him, whether you do or not, it's that he is slowly slowly eroding your trust in him.

I recently bought "when your lover is a liar" by Susan forward - it's been pretty good at explaining lies and why, haven't quite got to the how to deal with it part yet. But maybe worth a look.

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/01/2017 16:54

I need some other examples of his lies because this is such a non issue.

OurBlanche · 20/01/2017 16:55

I need some other examples of his lies because this is such a non issue. I hope OP doesn't waste her time feeding your need! Her life isn't your entertainment!

Oakmaiden · 20/01/2017 16:56

I suspect the OP isn't going to provide any other examples (because she can see that they are quite petty too???)

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 16:57

I get you OP, he lies, today was just another nail in the coffin for you when it comes to trust.

You can't trust a liar, no matter how small the lies are, did we not stop telling fibs in school?

I couldn't be with a man that lied about anything, sounds like because of this you have lost respect for him; perhaps it's time to call it a day?

I don't see him changing.

RebelRogue · 20/01/2017 16:57

If OH asked if i have money for breakfast club i'd say no,because either I can't be arsed to check or don't have enough,or if i do it's from my "own" money and i have it plan for smth else. So while i might have money,it's not breakfast club money,so not a lie.

SleepingCitySidewalk · 20/01/2017 17:00

Actually if you really want to overthink it Winkyou specifically asked if he had enough cash, and he said no.

Your OP does read much more like an interaction I would have with my DCs than my DH.

SleepingCitySidewalk · 20/01/2017 17:00

Sorry...he said no and he wasn't lying

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/01/2017 17:01

Oh ffs OurBlanche, if you don't understand the point from that comment I haven't got the patience to explain it further. Just trust that you missed it.

JackLottiesMum · 20/01/2017 17:04

I'm sorry but oh my goodness I can't believe you are arguing about this.
Having enough money for a bacon sandwich is different to having enough money for a haircut. If he was 'lying' to you about the money he just wouldn't have mentioned the sandwich and just told you he wasn't hungry.
You might find it helpful to consider how you would feel living in an environment where you have to think very carefully each time before you respond to your partner's questions incase you accidently misrepresent the exact scenario of what happened/is happening? It would be a very stressful way to live.
This argument seems so minor - you might find it helpful to consider whether this arguing might be masking something else like if you have trust issues or is something else is going on that you are not happy with?
whatever you decide - good luck!

Titsalinabumsquash · 20/01/2017 17:06

I get you OP, my DH does this, he will always get a "delayed train" when what he actually means is he was working late again and missed the train, because I have in the past got the bump with him for working so much and having to do all the childcare myself.

He will also declare that DS "must have put this in the trolley when I wasn't looking" rather than just saying he fancied a cake at the shop, type thing. I don't know why he does it, I don't comment on it, big things that matter I trust him 100% because that's his only fault, I figure. He could have a lot worse traits. It can get frustrating though.

OurBlanche · 20/01/2017 17:07

Oh ffs OurBlanche, if you don't understand the point from that comment I haven't got the patience to explain it further. Just trust that you missed No, I got that you thought OPs predicament was not worthy of your attention and that, to make it worth your while, you demanded more information.

Your previous post was selfishly rude, your response to me even more so!

PollytheDolly · 20/01/2017 17:09

He's just answering in a way to avoid constant questioning imo.

Hasn't worked though, has it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/01/2017 17:13

OurBlanche, you appear to be as literal minded as the OP and attempting to explain the not-very-subtle point of my post to you would clearly be as pointless as asking her for more background. So I'm not going to bother. Just trust me, you missed it. Keep on wittering if you like.

OurBlanche · 20/01/2017 17:17
Grin
Gooseygoosey12345 · 20/01/2017 17:29

Can you give us another example? I feel like the OP wasn't a lie at all. My OH and I do this all the time.
"Do you have any play money left"
"Nope, broke now"

Later;
"Oh I went for a coffee with so and so"
"Oh, did you have money"
"Oh yeah I had a few quid left of play money"

This isn't a lie, it's more that it's not a substantial amount worth mentioning. Why would I tell my OH "yes I have exactly £3.45 left". Try to see it from his point of view

pickleaboutplaster · 20/01/2017 17:31

I get that this isn't a one off but is the final straw kind of thing. I had an ex like this, mainly it was what he thought were trivial lies that he told because they made his life easier, or projected an image of him that he wanted others to see. However, once I realised that he lied i started looking out for inconsistencies in his stories and making a mental note of them. And because i stopped trusting what he said, i became more questioning to try and work out if he had lied or not. Luckily it wasn't a LTR and we broke up, but if you don't want it to end your marriage then you need to reestablish a relationship where you trust each other. Possibly counselling?

CatBallou2 · 20/01/2017 17:35

Does he have access to your house account, so that he can take the money he needs every month? If not, maybe that's the answer with regards to him having cash when he needs it. Sorry to state the obvious.

As for the continued lying, you'll have to have it out with him, again. Your OP does give the impression that you're too questioning of him, but that's understable if he constantly lies. However, it could be that you've taken on the role of over-managing him? You could have said nothing about his haircut that morning and just reimbursed him afterwards.

Have a chat with him and don't get stressed about things too much.

frieda909 · 20/01/2017 17:54

If I asked my partner whether he had cash for a haircut I would really not expect him to count out the change in his pockets before answering and I definitely wouldn't consider it a lie if he said 'no, I don't have any cash' despite having maybe a couple of quid in change on him.

I have to agree that you do sound very controlling, or that you take things VERY literally if you consider something like this to be a lie worth falling out over!

But you said there are lots of other examples and maybe this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. We can't really judge that based on the information you've given, though.

SeaCabbage · 20/01/2017 18:07

YOu can see you've given us a rubbish example. Can you give another example?

Because from what you've said you sound like you micro manage him and comment and ask about every moment of his day.. If someone questioned me to that degree I would go bonkers.

Another example might help you get your point across.

StumblyMonkey · 20/01/2017 18:17

I would give another example or two and then we can give you more reasoned advice....

Based on the thread so far though you do sound like a bit of a nightmare, hasn't helped that you've had a strop that we don't agree with you and flounced off rather than saying "I probably haven't given a good example, here's another, what do you think".

frieda909 · 20/01/2017 18:25

you have all made up your mind that is what happens so it is unlikely I will get any real advice from this thread. Thanks for reading anyway

Woah, hold on a second. You came here saying you just wanted an outside perspective and that you were prepared to be told you were in the wrong, and yet now you're angry because some people gave you exactly what you asked for??

You have had plenty of 'real advice'. You may not agree with all of it but it's still advice!

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/01/2017 18:26

OP will not be giving us any more examples, she's flounced.