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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"but it's not really a lie"

120 replies

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:11

I'm prepared for you to tell me I'm taking things too much to heart and being unreasonable - but I really need some perspective from someone uninvolved as I cant see the wood from the trees.

This conversation happened today, but we have a lot of conversations along the same lines, this is just the most recent:-

This morning......
Me: are you going straight to have haircut after work and do you have enough cash?
DH: Might do, depends when I finish work, can't pay as haven't got a bean (so I give him the money - this is not an issue, haircuts for both of us come out of the family budget, which I run. I was just being lazy and not wanting to go upstairs and get my bag. If he had enough cash to pay I would have reimbursed him when he got home)

This afternoon........
Me: You're home early, you must be starving - you left your lunch in the fridge, are you going to have a snack before your hair appointment?
DH: No I had a bacon sandwich from the van outside work
Me: oh you must need more cash for haircut then
DH: No I had enough for a sandwich, still have haircut money
Me: But you said you didn't have any money
DH: I meant not enough for haircut
Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?
DH: well it wasnt really a lie, it was just easier to say it that way.

We are now not speaking and he can't see why. He thinks I am being mean minded and touchy about nothing at all. I on the other hand am fed up of him being like this. HIs default is always " take the easy route", so if it is easiest to lie then he does. It's never about anything big, so he thinks it's OK. I can't make him see that it means I question everything (in my mind) that he tells me because he finds it so easy to lie. He says it's just laziness. I disagree.

Is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 20/01/2017 16:33

God you sound like hard work. It's a rare day I am left feeling sorry for the DH's on this site but this is one of them.

lorelairoryemily · 20/01/2017 16:33

Yabu, I feel sorry for your Dh, this is a ridiculous thread

crystalchef · 20/01/2017 16:34

Perhaps he feels micro manager and so tells little lies to keep you off his case?

The 'you must be starving - your lunch is still in the fridge' comment wasn't really about his hunger IMO, it sounds like you were checking up on him to see what he ate that day and how he funded it...

Batteriesallgone · 20/01/2017 16:35

Maybe he found the money in his pocket? If I asked my DH if he had £3 on him he wouldn't know, he'd search his pockets and see what he had.

He'd know if he had enough for a haircut though.

I have often asked DH for money when it turns out I have more than enough cash, and vice versa. It's just poor memory I'm not deliberately repeatedly lying.

user1478860582 · 20/01/2017 16:35

OP, if you're questioning everything then it's going to make him more defensive and perhaps lying is easier than to have to field constant questioning.

user1478860582 · 20/01/2017 16:37

What triggers his lies?

Erm. The OP?

badtime · 20/01/2017 16:37

Does he really lie all the time, or does he just use figures of speech that you take a bit more literally than he means them?

If someone told me that they 'haven't a bean', I wouldn't necessarily thing they had literally no money - people often say that to mean very little money. If that is how he uses it, and expects others to use it, then he wasn't lying.

Do you take things really literally in general?

crystalchef · 20/01/2017 16:37

should read: 'perhaps he is feeling micro managed by you'

gamechangenamechange · 20/01/2017 16:37

If he couldn't pay for a haircut how is it a lie, though? We will go grocery shopping this evening, my husband will pay because I am broke till payday next week. I do have some money but not enough to do a grocery shop and will need it for small items during the week. "Can you get this, I'm broke" is acceptable short hand for both of us, neither of us need to go into the nitty gritty of "but I do have a tenner I'll be buying coffee with" or else have the other accuse us of lying

Underthemoonlight · 20/01/2017 16:39

My dh said it's likely he lies because you want to micro manage his finances. What does it matter if he spent his money it's a none issue he might if he forgotten his lunch and found money in his car or borrowed from a colleague or just fancied something warm . I've know my dh has done when he wanted something more filling than sandwiches and sausage roll. I would never question him like this it's appaulling and if you were a bloke classics as abusive. Your treating him like a child.

Original poster

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:39

Are you for real? I found his lunch in the fridge and was concerned that he would be hungry - I wasn't checking up on him at all, I was glad he had ben able to come home before haircut so he could eat something.

OP posts:

HelsBels5000 · 20/01/2017 16:42

Concerned he would be hungry?
He's an adult - he can be responsible for sorting out his own hunger issues surely?

RebelRogue · 20/01/2017 16:42

I do not see this as a lie so it depends what the other examples are as to whether this is a problem or not.
Tbh I'd find it weary to have to give 100% accurate,straight answers all the time.

Original poster

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:42

I obviously used the wrong example in my op, my own fault, I just used the most recent. I am not a control freak, I don't micro manage him, but you have all made up your mind that is what happens so it is unlikely I will get any real advice from this thread. Thanks for reading anyway

OP posts:

SleepingCitySidewalk · 20/01/2017 16:43

Op what do you think about the fact the vast majority of responses here say you are being very unreasonable?

It's interesting that you jump to explaining yourself badly rather than even considering that people are saying that the level of scrutiny and control you display towards your DH is extremely controlling.

I don't see the conversation as a "lie" just shorthand really, and your OP does make it sound like your DH feels very suffocated. I couldn't live with someone who treated me like this.

Fallonjamie · 20/01/2017 16:44

People lie all the time, it is part of being human and begins in early life. People who claim to never lie are usually lying or have their own definition of what constitutes a lie.

badtime · 20/01/2017 16:45

No-one has made up their mind, but it would be helpful if you gave some other examples. The one you gave made it look that way, and that is all we have to go on.

Underthemoonlight · 20/01/2017 16:45

Op you got honest feedback that you would have got if it was reversed and a woman had posted saying her dh had questioned why she spent her own money on food at work when he had gave her money for a haircut (which she didn't spent) there would be several posters saying fianical abuse and to LTB for being a control freak.

SleepingCitySidewalk · 20/01/2017 16:45

That's an interesting cross post and kinds of proves the point tbh. In your OP you said you were prepared to hear you are BU, but clearly not.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 16:45

I can't imagine conducting a relationship like this

Gallavich · 20/01/2017 16:45

Yeah, I'm afraid your example doesn't illustrate your point (I believe you, but this incident isn't it)
When he said he didn't have a bean he probably meant he doesn't have a £10 note or whatever he needs for a haircut. Knowing you have enough cash for a pre planned thing and thinking you might have a few £1 coins but you aren't sure are not the same.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 20/01/2017 16:47

If I had a couple of pounds in my purse and someone asked if I had enough money, I would probably say no. A handful of change does kind of feel like you don't have enough on you. It's a very odd thing to stop talking to him over.

QueenMortificado · 20/01/2017 16:47

You do sound like you're mothering him too - "you've left your lunch in the fridge, would you like a snack" sounds like a conversation I'd have with a child

therealpippi · 20/01/2017 16:49

Op take stock and reflect. You may not micromanage consciously but some aspects of your behaviour may come across like that, especially to your husband.

The fridge example could be indeed be a caring thought, or a controlling one. The rest of your behaviour will define that, we don't know.

I can tell you though that the two example together and the way you wrote gave us that feeling. Imagine how your dh might feel.

My xh would not consider himself controlling and in many ways he wasn't, not in the big things... but in the small daily things... oh my. And similarly to you they were quite subtle, he prob didn't even realise he was doing it.

Talk to him and listen carefully to his reply.

RebelRogue · 20/01/2017 16:49

Trouble is you chose this example,so people are going to form Their opinion on it. Some don't even consider it to be a lie so ofc you'll sound unreasonable to them(and me).
A pp actually made a pretty good point earlier. Do you take most things very literally? If yes,then i could see why you would consider figures of speech or "shortcuts" as lies.
You could give more examples,explain your stance or just get angry people are not seeing it from your point of view from just one(maybe badly picked) example.

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