ArgyMargy its a me-centric. That’s because this is about me finding the right person. I have spent my life serving and putting other people first so forgive me if I actually want to concentrate on me and put my needs first for once.
So I have been doing some thinking; Work girl is off the cards so that simplifies things. She is blowing hot and cold. I like her, she is fun, I have a bit in common with her and there is probably more to her but I don’t think she is on an intellectual par with the other (hope that don’t sound out of order).
I am really starting to come round to no spark. She does have a wonderful mind and imagination that I am discovering the more we chat. To a certain extent I think I semi subconsciously savataged our coffee date. I was not my most charismatic or enthusiastic that day. But we had a great conversation and she is wonderful and witty to talk too. She is still interested in me and trying to arrange a more fun next date. Also the nature of her talk is getting a bit suggestive. I am just holding my horses with a date while I figure stuff out.
Engineer is still very much the front runner. I think there is a reason why I never really got her out my head. We just totally connected in the bedroom and made a great team. I do think to a certain extent that indicates how well we connect outside the bedroom. We of course don’t get much free time. Its rare she can get someone to watch her child over night. She can till the beginning of next month. So I asked if she could get out for a few hours for a drink and she said she. The she asked if we should consider this a date. I said yes I would like to take her out and she was happy with that. We have taken it from the bedroom into something more. So we need a proper date and see how it goes but I have a very good feeling.
Now deeper down the rabbit hole we go courtesy of Noego. You have thrown a potential spanner in the works. The gods must be playing with me. You have raised a line of thinking that I had been pondering. Some may know I had raised and taken part in some threads on here exploring the very nature of relationships and playing with ideas of doing things differently. Life is never black and white or one size fits all.
If I play with these ideas there is another woman in this story. As you know I mentioned I have a couple of lady play mates. Well of course they don’t fit into this new model. But there is another special person to me involved not mentioned before. We met online and she lives 100s of miles away. We were both at a very low point at the time and supported each other. We became very close and we both know so much about each other. We just gel. We have spent a couple of weekends together. Obviously the distance is a thing and we have both seen and dated other people. We are open about it and have no problem about it. But we do have a strong bond. We don’t put a label on it or define it as anything. Whatever it is its unconventional. We both know at one point one of us will find someone and it will have to come to an end. Obviously I have come to the realisation that this may well be soon. It is sad but something I will need to do to move on. There was no need to mention her before because obviously we would have to end it. But it does raise the question of would I have to do this in another relationship model?
I am by nature not jealous or possessive. I am an individual and so are they. As I said before I am looking for a different relationship model. One where we live our day to day lives separately to pursue raising our families and perusing our own activities. I now value my independence so much. But I do seek something deep and meaningful. Someone I can be totally free with. It has become obvious that I am capable of loving more than one person at the same time, maybe to different extents, maybe there is a spectrum? I think maybe ‘the one’ thing is a myth? So I do wonder if there is a model were we are both free to connect with other people? Were love is not an exclusive thing? I dont know this is getting a bit far out there now. Society is not geared up for this kind of set up. For me it would be something I would be open to exploring if the other person was. The main thing is setting ground rules and boundaries that all are happy with. My outlook on life has changed so much over the last year I have explored so much and experienced so much. I have made so many new friends and tried new things. They have all both enriched my life and opened new doors to me. I know how ever things pan out I don’t think it will be conventional. So I guess I am looking for someone who is likewise not conventional, Engineer fits this bill.
Noego your right conversation does need to be open and honest. I think oddly its this honesty why me and no spark are still talking. She asked me how it went and I told her honestly my feeling. It was not what she was expecting I think and gave her another insight into me. What I hate about the world is that we are too afraid to be honest. To scared to tell it warts and all and lots of us likewise don’t have the shoulders broad enouth to handle that truth (reminds me of the film A few good men). The world would be a lot less full of bull shit if the world was more truth friendly. I wonder if the conventional relationships are natural? Or does it hold us back from being who we truly are and makes for a hostile environment to tell the truth of our inner feelings. I have had the fortune to meet people and experience places where people are free, are not judge and are equal. That environment feels like home. Is it possible to have a relationship that is completely honest and open?
Also one of the things I hated about my ex wife is that she was very anti me spending time with my oldest female friends. I have two female old school friends (totally platonic) who I have been close to for years (ironically both on them don’t like each other). She hated me being around them. Maybe she was worried they would see though her. Or as one person told me we rarely trust others if we cant trust our self. I could never go back to someone who is jealous, possessive or despises my friendships.
I really need to date engineer and see where it goes. If I am completely honest she is the one who is stuck in my head. But don’t worry I am not planning happy ever after and jumping the gun. I know things may not be quite right or just pan out differently.
As to maybe spark girl that is still difficult one. I do fancy her too, more now. But of course remember she is just after a causal thing till the summer when she moves away. A fun relationship with a shelf life. But she keeps emphasising the term with loyalty that of course to me suggests exclusivity.
Sorry everyone, blame noego for opening a new can of worms. This would have been a lot shorter if noego hadn’t empowered me to investigate again ideas that I had put aside as not being possible to me. And thanks to StartledByHisFurryShorts for standing up and showing there is more than one out there. I always thought what neoego is suggesting to be mythical like a unicorn. Although I do know its out there because I met a ploy on OLD who I really liked and was completely happy with the idea. But she lived too far away. I am no longer convinced per se with monogamy. I have made some good friends (inc couples) who are not and enjoy a great freedom and are happy. As to the polyamorous life style it is attractive. I love that all the people I have met over the last year all have added something different. It also fascinates me that they have all connected with me to different levels of friendship and connection. Strikes me that friendship and love may actually be a spectrum rather than a set of categories? To be able to let your love flow freely rather than popping it into one single jar is a nice idea. But I also see it a problematic. Not in its self, more because of the society and norms we live in.
Also it’s worth noting I haven’t got the free time to be seeing multiple people or dating a lot. Maybe normally 2-4 times a month. Engineer girl is the same due to her work and child care. But I does make you really value that time.
Wow, sorry my brain is doing the marathon tonight. Lets identify the core of what I am looking for; deep connection, friendship, freedom and someone I can truly share my soul with. To what that sort of relationship ends up looking like I don’t know? Monogamous, Non-monogamous, may be Polyamorous (not necessarily the same as non-monogamous in my book) I don’t know. For me monogamy is not a rule per se, neither do I rule it out. Its about discovering something that makes everyone happy and allows them to truly them self. The world as I see it now is full of diversity and opportunity, I really can’t see how it will pan out. I guest that’s part of the adventure? I would be cool to be able to share that adventure. Funny two years ago I was a happily married man and would have been till the day I died. In some ways I think my ex wife’s actions have liberated me.
Of course time will tell. Whatever I do it may simply not work out. My plan is just to roll with it and not look too far into the future.
Thanks if you have read all this. My brain is buzzing at the moment.