Like buses. HELP

[1DAD2KIDS]

I have got my self in a huge relationship pickle and don't no what to do.

BACKGROUND:

I am a single parent. My marriage ended over a year ago with my wife walking out on me and the kids for another man. I have spent a long time revaluating life, the nature of relationships and exploring the world again. Anyway I have done a lot of figuring out and soul searching (as some as you may know). And had some wild adventure too. I have come to a stage that although I wish to maintain my independence I am looking for a more meaningful relationship. Something a bit more than causal encounters and FWB I have made.

SITUATION

So before Christmas I got it on with a girl from work at the Christmas party. We said we would go out on a date. She is sexy, fun and great to talk to. I was excited. Someone in the same situation looking for the same thing. Down side is she doesn't live in the same city but not too far away. Anyway I text her after new years and no reply so obviously I had been blown out the water.

Anyway I been on a little coffee date this morning with someone I got chatting to on OLD just before Christmas. Very much in the same situation as me and likewise looking for a chilled relationship. She is stunning, very beautiful and cleaver and intelligent. We share a lot of the same values. The date was hardly fireworks, great conversation but didn't feel much spark. So I wasn’t sure at first. But then at the end I got a real genuine feel that she would like to meet again. Defiantly more of a slow burner but there is interest on both sides. But I have ended up having great relationships with slow burners before. She comes from a fairly traditional Indian family so I not sure if cultural factors may have a part in courtship and to lack of instant flirting. Also I do wonder about sexual compatibility; I am very open minded and adventurous but obviously there would be no way of knowing with her till further down the line. And sexual compatibility is a very important factor in a relationship to me; its a huge part of bonding on a very emotional level.

Then there is a girl I was sleeping with from about 6 months ago from another city. We met on FAB; she has a very sexy aura and we are more sexually compatible than even my ex wife. We just connected and work together perfectly, it is amazing. She is a single parent and we were simply looking for the same at the time. But we connected. She is funny, intelligent and an engineer. It was so cool to meet a fellow electronic and electrical engineering geek. Sounds strange but it is such a turn on to be able to talk to someone who understands engineering. When we first got chatting she understood a geek data connection joke. We work in the same industry (although I in a different capacity). Anyway her job is hard and is a single parent. It all got on top of her as she had to work 100s of miles away during the week. Anyway her job has changed and she has more free time. We got chatting the other day and agreed to see each other again and go on a proper date. Both of us had been thinking about each other over the last few months. Also here the advantage is because we started as fuck buddies (so the speak, hate the term but it was mainly about the sex back then) I know we are sexually compatible. More than anyone I have been with. I don't know why but there was an instant trust between us that is so important. So I don't have to risk weeks of investment to maybe find out we are not compatible.

Anyway I am sure the Gods are playing with me at the moment because on the walk home from my date I got a text from the girl from work. She text me to say sorry she had not text for weeks but she had a serious chest infection (figures why I had not seen her at work). So she had not blown me out after all. Seriously you can write this shit.

So now I have the potential of three beautiful and intelligent women. Each of them different which makes it harder to chose. I like them all in there own way. In an ideal world I could just blend them all together to make the perfect woman for me. But I cant and I have to choose.

WHAT TO DO?

So please don't instantly judge and call me a player or a man-whore, I am not. I agreed to go for a date with the one today only after I thought I had been blown out but the one from work and not realising my engineer friend was open to making it something more. Because of everything going on in our lives it has taken months to get this coffee date today. Then last week engineer comes on the scene and then on the way home the girl from work comes on the scene. Its not a joke and its not funny, seriously like buses and I am stuck.

But it also is the end of my causal phase. A little sad to say good bye to my couple of FWB and playmates. But it’s time for something more emotionally fulfilling. It’s been fun but I am looking for something more.

Do I pick one now with no certainty it will work out and not knowing what it would be like with the others? Or is it ok to go on a date with all of them to make a more informed choice? Has anyone ever dated more than one person in the early stages to help them chose? I don't want to mess anyone around but I do want to make the right choice. I honestly never thought I would be in a position where I would ever have to choose. How do you go about choosing when you like them all?

[1DAD2KIDS]

Ellisandra WTF. I think if you looked at the this thread reference to appearance is just part of it.

Secondly your are right a lot of what makes someone attractive and sexy to me is more than just looks. It's something you either have or your don't and it's specific to me. The next man maybe would say the oppersite. It's called attraction.

Also looks is a factor. Is physical attraction or lack of it not a factor to other people. Can't escape it, it's part of our biological and cultural programing. Why should I be made to feel guilty for it? I doubt many women would be flamed for stating a physical attraction to a man?

And I have a intellectual connection to all three of them and that is what makes it hard. They all have intellectual qualities that I have mentioned numerous times in my deliberations.

You obviously don't know or understand me. Some people only read what they want read to fit the narrative they want to spin. I am sick of this men just think with their dicks/men are bastards narrative some spin on here. If I was cynical I would say you are bitter in some form.

[InTheMoodForLove]

The geek
Absolutely

[Ellisandra]

Did you read my for a
OP?

Or was it not enough to signal that it is friendly advice, not a "bitter" (you can have the now) dig at you?

You have led your description of all three women with the sexual element / probably physical element.

I wouldn't be in a relationship without that - been there, got that divorce, I know there's no compromise on sexual attraction.

You asked for advice, and I stand by my advice to you... you appear to focus very much on sex and the physical, and I think you should be careful not to do so too much.

I don't think it is wrong of me to think this could be an issue - because you lead ALL three descriptions with it. I certainly could be wrong - in which case, how about you politely refute it instead of throwing your rude "WTF" and "bitter" accusations? But I don't think you can say it's a ridiculous point to suggest, given it comes from your words.

I have previously posted supportively to you about your nightmare with your ex (so I'm hardly following an all men are bastards narrative ).

I posted this morning in a spirit of trying to give advice too.

In the same way that you want to throw cheap "oh you must be bitter" comments at me, should I throw "oh I must have touched a nerve?"

I'll bow out of your threads - I don't need your rudeness.

[flipflapsflop]

I'm amazed that you find time to look after 2 young kids, work, regularly hit the jackpot with stunners, and pontificate about how difficult it is to choose between them all on a website to be honest. I'd be exhausted.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Ellisandra I suppose it's all about perception. But your reply seemed very much a case of oh you men just think with your Cocks. Seemed to totally ignor all the other aspects of what I was talking about. I am not the only one who got this jist from your post. So I must admit being represented as a cock for brain guy did get my dander up.

If you believe in such a thing I have pretty much a 50/50 left and right side brain. Equally between scientific/technological aptitude and artistic aptitude. Geek girl excites one side of my brain and no spark the other side. Work girl I don't know enough about but from her conversation I think there may be more to her.

The text I got from no spark muddied the waters. Like I said she said she liked me. She also talked about how she said there is far more than meets the eye with me in a good way. She is a deep person her self and not many people she/want to see the other layers of my depths.

But then I have so much fun with geek girl. There are not many girls I know who enjoy talking about cabling, signalling and plug/socket innuendo.

And sorry I don't think I am a monster from wanting great sexual compatability? Sex is so mentally and emotionally bonding. And of course sould be great fun. So meeting the right person in this respect is very important but also reflective of how you get on on other levels. Connection is a key factor to this. I always think of that lily Allen song it's not fair.

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

If this was Blind Date, I'd be shouting "Pick Number 3!"

Geek girl sounds great. If you met on FAB, then is she even looking for something exclusive though?

I'd (nicely) bin off No Spark Cafe girl, if I were you. Even though she only wants something short-term, she sounds like she wants a "proper" exclusive relationship, though. If you had sex with her and then decided not to pursue things, she might be very hurt. And you don't sound like a bastard.

Go on a date with Work woman. Could be fun. It won't fuck anything up with Engineering lady. Do it as soon as possible so you have a better idea how you feel about her.

It's a nice "problem" to have. You sound nice. (PM me if none of these work out! I don't know any engineering jokes but I told a guy a programming joke the other day. Geekiness is very sexy in my opinion.)

Good luck, enjoy yourself and minimise hurt. (By which I mean, don't give people false expectations and never, EVER ghost. Ghosting's for cunts.)

[faffalotty]

As mentioned earlier this does sound the plot for a film. In that film the 3 women would find out that you were dating all of them and get together to plot against you... hilarity ensues etc.

[faffalotty]

I think you should stick with the engineer and give that a go

[ThirdThoughts]

I think you missed Ellisandra's insight was that because of the way you approach relationships (which isn't wrong exactly, it's just you) you aren't necessarily seeing what most posters here are, which is that woman number 3, the engineer, sounds like the best match because the connection/compatibility is already there, you already know what each other want and the sexual spark is already there and a known quantity.

It's okay to date. As long as you are clear that you are dating other people (you don't need to/shouldn't make it a big competition with you as the prize) at the moment, so they are free to date other people, and that if things progress and they want an exclusive relationship then that's a conversation you need to have.

However, it does sound like you'd be wasting yours and their time, when woman number 3 is the obvious match! You aren't doing the others a kindness to grant them dates when you are more interested in someone else. It's a shame about the chest infection, but getting more emotionally involved with other women when you already have something great with woman three seems like drawing out your decision unnecessarily.

[1DAD2KIDS]

StartledByHisFurryShorts fair point about fab. We hooked up on fab sharing the same sexaul appite, kinkiness and enthusiasm. We are very compatible in that way and I often think this is a sign of wider compatability. The strange thing was when we met the second (and last) she dropped into conversation that she was seeing no one else, that at the time I thought was a bit random. Shortly afterwards she came off fab because she said she had no time anymore. Do you think she actually decided back then she wanted more from me? I must admit I was always thinking of her quite a bit over the months. When we got back in contact I suggested we go for some drinks some time and she suggest we class it as date date. Of course I could be wrong but my senses tell me she wants more. I have been thinking about her over the last 6 months so that maybe tells me that I felt something a bit more.

Just for the record not all the women on fab are swingers per se. There are a lots just looking for one sexaul partner or a hook up. Not neserseraly to be part of the lifestyle.

Hopefully they don't all gang up on me faffalotty. Maybe in stead they would fight to the death like the warriors of all.

Another factor that I have just thought about is that work girl and engineer live fairly near each other in the same city up the road. So dating both of them could be dangerous? Maybe resulting in them both plotting my down fall.

Not sure if I should do it old school and pick one. If I had to I suppose I know the one I would pick.

For the record don't everybody jump the gun. I am looking for something meaning but I go with no expectations of happy ever after but see how it goes.

[1DAD2KIDS]

StartledByHisFurryShorts ALSO my field is old school electronics and hardware so my programing jokes may be a bit rusty for you. Not sure if your jokes would be all double Dutch to me.

I never ghost. I aways think people deserve an answer. We are all adults right? I hate it when people ghost me. I wish people could have the balls to tell the truth

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Just for the record not all the women on fab are swingers per se. There are a lots just looking for one sexaul partner or a hook up.

1DAD, I think that was general information rather than aimed at me directly? FWIW, I'm on FabSwingers as a single woman. So I know that it's not just swinging couples on there.

But there's a broad spectrum of non-exclusivity, is there not? From casual one-offs through fuck buddies, FWBs, non-exclusive relationships and those full-on Polyamorous types who maintain multiple committed relationships.

I just wouldn't assume that Fab Engineer Lady is necessarily looking for one particular relationship. To be fair, she possibly doesn't know what she wants either.

And you've only met twice? So realistically, there's a good chance that all 3 of these potential relationships might come to naught.

You're not being forced to choose at the moment. You're in the very, very early stages with three different people. It's called "dating".

Are you just feeling a bit overwhelmed because, traditionally, it's much harder for heterosexual men to get attention than heterosexual women?

[1DAD2KIDS]

StartledByHisFurryShorts it was a general statement not aimed at you. Not everyone on here knows about fab

I agree with what you have put. I think that maybe her making it clear to me that she was not seeing anyone else randomly without it fitting the conversation was strange. She obviously knew I was seeing other people at the time. Plus it is her that has opened the lead on it being something more. Me and you both know the crowd on fab is a wide spectrum. Likewise the crowd in a club is a broad spectrum all in for different things. I am looking for something a little less conventional my self.

[Happybunny19]

Well I'm still cheering for geek girl, but DP and I had much debate about your thread last night and he is of the opinion that you should date all three (but not sleep with all 3).

We did not come to an agreement on it and I told him if he'd dated others when we first started dating I would have finished things and he did agree that he couldn't have handled it either.

Btw out of interest, does work girl have a family already? I assume from your posts that you don't want an extended family with anyone else, so do her current circumstances help you make a practical choice?

[1DAD2KIDS]

Yes they all have kids. That why for me it's important to find someone wants their independence too and doesn't have dreams of becoming one big happy family. Who doesn't want to merge our everyday lives if that makes sense? My priority is always raising my family. I want someone who is independent them self.

[jeaux90]

Go for geek girl (I'm biased)

Honestly I just met a tech guy in April and the fact that he gets me is super cool. Massive connection.

She is also a single parent so the ex clash situation is minimised.

[LesisMiserable]

You dont want to merge your everyday lives?

Also I have to say this, women get so much stick for over thinking and over analysing...but here's proof men can be far more indepth thinkers and its just as confusing.

[1DAD2KIDS]

LesisMiserable Well I do think I have sort of dragged into over analysing things by some of the questions. I have no long term plan but my current arrangement although fun is lacking somethings. So I am making a move to find (this sounds childish) a girlfriend. Something not possessive or needy but more than fuck buddies or FWB. But no long term plan, that would just be a mater of seeing where it goes. The problem is which one.

To add to the trouble me and no spark have been texting and she is getting a little firlty. No spark is heating up.

I am sure the gods are messing with me.

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

I think that you can blow out coffee girl, you seemed unsure about the spark being there and I completely get the whole thing about needing to be sexually compatible.
Whether you're looking for long term or fwb I think in there has to be some kind of chemistry, you can't fake that shit.so be nice to her but I would be honest and tell her you don't think it's going to happen, sooner rather than later.

So you know sexually you're compatible with miss engineer however as you openly admit it was only about sex you don't yet know whether a relationship would be viable, whether it would work in real life, taking sex out of the equasion, you're only going to know this by going on a date and talking about stuff. Boring shit like wants, thoughts and opinions. Date her see how it goes.
I don't agree with sleeping with more than one person at a time. So I think. If you're looking for long term you need to date, speed time with someone, out of the bedroom. Dating more than one Is fine but only until you take it to the sexual level (just my opinion).

So I would date the work lady too, let's face it at the moment she was just a Christmas snog so meet with her too, go for drinks, dinner see how you get on, in a normal environment, if there's an actual spark, mutual interests in real life. At that point you will then need to make a decision and go for it, but be honest with all parties and show respect, IMO if you do that youve done nothing wrong.Good luck.

[Emboo19]

I've never really dated and I'm only young, so maybe not the best to advise. My initial thoughts reading it though, is that you've got to know engineer girl, you get on, you've had sex, she mentioned not seeing anyone else and now wants a date, date. I think she deserves to know if you're dating exclusively or not. The other two fine to date alongside each other for a few dates at least. My male best friend says The third date is the deciding date for him!

[jeaux90]

Emboli has a great point. 3 dates is a good rule I used to use too.

[ArgyMargy]

You do seem a little self-obsessed, OP. Is everything always about you?

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

See I don't get that Argyll, the op does mention himself alot but that's because the post about a decision he has to make. I think (if I remember correctly) that he is a full time working, single father after being left by his wife, I doubt he has time to be self obsessed.
I think that's quite a nasty comment to make really.

[noego]

I'd date all three but I would also be open and honest with them. I to have what I like to call friends and lovers. Currently running at five and one of them is a sub (she wants to explore that side of herself)
Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. (please see correct definition before comment)
I love each one of them as friends first. The intimacy is secondary. They are all different in their own ways. All intelligent, all independent. Non want co-dependant relationships. They too a non monogamous.
So, the question is. What do you want first and foremost? Would you like to keep all three as friends? And I don't personally see that as a problem. But if you are intimate with all of them, then they have a right to know that you view the relationship as open. In which case they are allowed to have male friends and be intimate with those male friends. Can you live with that? If not then choices have to be made on which one you would like to enter into an LTR.
These sorts of conversations with people also have to be open and honest. Find out what they want? Do they want a friends and lovers type of relationship or something more exclusive? Does it fit with your perceptions? Perhaps they can be platonic female friends and the one you choose to have a relationship with, may not like the idea of you having platonic GF's. (red flag) None of them might like the idea of a non monogamous open relationship. Serious thinking required my friend and open conversations. At the end of the day it also has to be known that if they do find someone that they want to be exclusive with then it is sayonara to the physical and sometimes the platonic side to. But because this has been understood from the start, parting company is really OK and is respected. (by both sides)
Finally I have to say isn't it great :o) I have been single for 5 years and I love it. I am having more intimate moments now than I ever had when married and I having it with people I love and respect. And truthfully. It is not always about the sex. What is that old proverb.
"To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy"

[CaraAspen]

The engineer one. No contest. She is intelligent and sexy. You need a spark imo.

The work one with the chest infection - nope; just because you gave a chest infection does not mean you can't text.