Like buses. HELP

[1DAD2KIDS]

I have got my self in a huge relationship pickle and don't no what to do.

BACKGROUND:

I am a single parent. My marriage ended over a year ago with my wife walking out on me and the kids for another man. I have spent a long time revaluating life, the nature of relationships and exploring the world again. Anyway I have done a lot of figuring out and soul searching (as some as you may know). And had some wild adventure too. I have come to a stage that although I wish to maintain my independence I am looking for a more meaningful relationship. Something a bit more than causal encounters and FWB I have made.

SITUATION

So before Christmas I got it on with a girl from work at the Christmas party. We said we would go out on a date. She is sexy, fun and great to talk to. I was excited. Someone in the same situation looking for the same thing. Down side is she doesn't live in the same city but not too far away. Anyway I text her after new years and no reply so obviously I had been blown out the water.

Anyway I been on a little coffee date this morning with someone I got chatting to on OLD just before Christmas. Very much in the same situation as me and likewise looking for a chilled relationship. She is stunning, very beautiful and cleaver and intelligent. We share a lot of the same values. The date was hardly fireworks, great conversation but didn't feel much spark. So I wasn’t sure at first. But then at the end I got a real genuine feel that she would like to meet again. Defiantly more of a slow burner but there is interest on both sides. But I have ended up having great relationships with slow burners before. She comes from a fairly traditional Indian family so I not sure if cultural factors may have a part in courtship and to lack of instant flirting. Also I do wonder about sexual compatibility; I am very open minded and adventurous but obviously there would be no way of knowing with her till further down the line. And sexual compatibility is a very important factor in a relationship to me; its a huge part of bonding on a very emotional level.

Then there is a girl I was sleeping with from about 6 months ago from another city. We met on FAB; she has a very sexy aura and we are more sexually compatible than even my ex wife. We just connected and work together perfectly, it is amazing. She is a single parent and we were simply looking for the same at the time. But we connected. She is funny, intelligent and an engineer. It was so cool to meet a fellow electronic and electrical engineering geek. Sounds strange but it is such a turn on to be able to talk to someone who understands engineering. When we first got chatting she understood a geek data connection joke. We work in the same industry (although I in a different capacity). Anyway her job is hard and is a single parent. It all got on top of her as she had to work 100s of miles away during the week. Anyway her job has changed and she has more free time. We got chatting the other day and agreed to see each other again and go on a proper date. Both of us had been thinking about each other over the last few months. Also here the advantage is because we started as fuck buddies (so the speak, hate the term but it was mainly about the sex back then) I know we are sexually compatible. More than anyone I have been with. I don't know why but there was an instant trust between us that is so important. So I don't have to risk weeks of investment to maybe find out we are not compatible.

Anyway I am sure the Gods are playing with me at the moment because on the walk home from my date I got a text from the girl from work. She text me to say sorry she had not text for weeks but she had a serious chest infection (figures why I had not seen her at work). So she had not blown me out after all. Seriously you can write this shit.

So now I have the potential of three beautiful and intelligent women. Each of them different which makes it harder to chose. I like them all in there own way. In an ideal world I could just blend them all together to make the perfect woman for me. But I cant and I have to choose.

WHAT TO DO?

So please don't instantly judge and call me a player or a man-whore, I am not. I agreed to go for a date with the one today only after I thought I had been blown out but the one from work and not realising my engineer friend was open to making it something more. Because of everything going on in our lives it has taken months to get this coffee date today. Then last week engineer comes on the scene and then on the way home the girl from work comes on the scene. Its not a joke and its not funny, seriously like buses and I am stuck.

But it also is the end of my causal phase. A little sad to say good bye to my couple of FWB and playmates. But it’s time for something more emotionally fulfilling. It’s been fun but I am looking for something more.

Do I pick one now with no certainty it will work out and not knowing what it would be like with the others? Or is it ok to go on a date with all of them to make a more informed choice? Has anyone ever dated more than one person in the early stages to help them chose? I don't want to mess anyone around but I do want to make the right choice. I honestly never thought I would be in a position where I would ever have to choose. How do you go about choosing when you like them all?

[CaraAspen]

"annielouise:

...Cant' believe you're expecting the women on here to sit and analyse it for you. Good luck to the women you come across. I don't think I'm the only one thinking this."

Yes, the irony of that was not lost on me.
Most mumsnet posters will treat this with the derision it so richly deserves. Imo

[CaraAspen]

Skimming the posts, I mean.

[CaraAspen]

"To be honest you're so up yourself I only skimmed over the rest. You love pontificating by the sound of it and the length of your posts. Go pontificate down a rabbit hole or whatever you mentioned in a previous post. Self-absorbed doesn't cover it."

Glad I wasn't the only one. Jeez

[CaraAspen]

Oh and I skim read most of the OP which might explain how I missed the fascinating minutiae of your ideas.
People tend not to wade through masses and masses of me me me stuff.

[CaraAspen]

"CaraAspen its funny you start off with stating that some of the ideas expressed are not for you. That’s fine, most will agree with you. I have no problem what you’d said. We all have different ideas and should be free to express them. I am here for perspective and I was very much valuing your impute. But then annielouise comes out with her hateful abusive rant and you jump right on the hateful band wagon. A closet hater who hides till a braver hater have come out. At least annielouise doesn’t hide the nature of her hate."

Oh my goodness I am truly crushed.
Get over yourself! I don't hate you or anyone else. Lol

Keep a sense of proportion and let's hope that is applied to your loooooooooong posts, too.

[annielouise]

1DAD you worked for the army so that was your paid job. If you didn't like being away and putting your country first then you shouldn't have enlisted. Many recruits are so badly educated they can't do anything else - 40% have a reading age of 11, a similar proportion can't do maths beyond primary age.

To be honest you're so up yourself I only skimmed over the rest. You love pontificating by the sound of it and the length of your posts. Go pontificate down a rabbit hole or whatever you mentioned in a previous post. Self-absorbed doesn't cover it. And yes you still sound skanky and an arse.

You're acting like a little boy in a sweetie shop holding his pee pee in case he wets himself with all these women coming out the woodwork for you.

Self-indulgent trash. Cant' believe you're expecting the women on here to sit and analyse it for you. Good luck to the women you come across. I don't think I'm the only one thinking this.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Googlebabe I know it's mad. I wouldnt have the time to date more. It'll be over a week till i can go out on a date. But you know what the dating game is like. Often people just flake out. And then sods law three come on the scene at once but I think I am on top of it. But I think I have made a decision.

[Googlebabe]

I think you need to line up a couple more so that you can make a REALLY informed decision.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Annielouise "Spent my life serving and putting other people first..." What a wanker you sound!
Well I am sorry if I sound like a wanker but I stand by my words. You do not know me? When have I really put myself first? When my dad died I was a teen; me and my brother worked hard to support mum and the household. Most of my adult life from school I have served the defence of this country and its interests or at least what the politicians thought was its interests. Nearly 2 years of my life in total in Afghanistan and various other stints in not so nice places in addition to this. I have missed out on holidays, events, birthdays, Christmases, special moments and 3/4 of the first two years of my daughters life. Missed moments like my (ex) wife’s scans, my daughters first word, first time she stood up etc. Time and moments I will never get back. There were times when I would get a call in the night and have to leave while my daughter slept, not knowing how many weeks I would be gone. Every time I would leave the house in uniform my dd would cry her eyes out scared that I was leaving her again, I would break my heart. Being away upto 6 months at a time must have felt a life time to her. I was doing something that I believed in and putting a roof over my wife (at the time) and Childs head and bread on the table. Everything I did revolved round doing things for my ex wife. If we went away I would book the things she wanted to do/see rather than the stuff I enjoyed. I just enjoyed doing things for her. Now I am working my fucking nuts off to care for, raise and provide for my 1 YO ds and 5 YO dd alone. So I am sorry if this makes me a ‘wanker’ but proud of myself and stand by my words.

I started this to get some help and perspective on the situation. So yes this thread is a bit like the DAD show but that’s because it’s about me sorting myself out. Would you like me to start talking about you, or world events , or benefits of green tea instead?

I am sorry if daring to explore an alternative lifestyles and/or having few consenting sexual partners at the same time makes me a ‘skank’and a ‘player’. If I was a player this thread would not exist. I would simply be having my wicked way with them and telling them all I loved them and they are the only ones. Obvious I have upset you Victorian sentiments. But I will tell you this before you villainize me, I have never cheated. And that is far more than I can say about the 100s of men who are subjects of many of the relationship posts on here. If it wasn’t for my ex wife abandoning us all for another man I would still be a happy loyal husband enjoying being with the woman I loved. But the world is different now, what I used to know I don’t recognise any more. The more I explore ideas of relationships and ask honest questions about relationships and myself the more complexity I see. Surely no one deep down finds that they are not capable of loving and/or lusting after another? We don’t always just find the one and live happily ever after. What matters is how we handle our self’s and deal with these human interactions and feeling in a way that is suits all involved. Sure for most its monogamy and it may well be for me too. But surely I have a service to myself to explore these ideas, to find what truly works for me. The world is not black and white, one size fits all. Lets face it the MN relationship board is full of people suffering in conventional relationships. It’s clearly not working for everyone. Why is it wrong to explore other relationship models?

I find it vile how you judge people you don’t know and call them ‘skanky’. I have met some of the nicest, most warm, accepting and tolerant people who live an alternative lifestyle. They truly lovely people from all walks of life. Why don’t you tell the mum of missing Airman Corrie McKeague and his pregnant girlfriend they are both‘skanks’, why don’t you? These people are not ‘skanks’they are good decent human beings who live life differently.

As to the women I am talking about no doubt they would be upset if they read this. No one likes to be thought of as in a (for want of a better phase) competition for someone affection. As others have pointed out, I maybe a competitor in one too, who knows. But that is the nature of dating. But yet you call me a player? Would you go on the MN This is dating thread and start attacking some of the people on there as players and showing you disgusts when they are comparing different ‘irons’ they have on the go, would you? And if you would, are you?

As I was talking about before we are still very scared of honesty and transparency. Probably partly because it also strips the magic somewhat and partly because we are actually feeling or doing things we think as wrong quite often. That’s why we talk on MN to explore ideas and thoughts in a safe place anomalously away from the people close to us. CaraAspen points out ‘Honesty is not always good’. Maybe but surely so much of the pain expressed on here in the relationships area is the results of lies. So which is worse truth or lies?

Like CaraAspen said you haven’t held back. I can see from the language used this is more than just simple criticism or opinion. This is name calling and vile personalised aggressive digs. IMO small minded, bigoted and hateful to people/groups you don’t know. For that I feel sorry for you.

CaraAspen its funny you start off with stating that some of the ideas expressed are not for you. That’s fine, most will agree with you. I have no problem what you’d said. We all have different ideas and should be free to express them. I am here for perspective and I was very much valuing your impute. But then annielouise comes out with her hateful abusive rant and you jump right on the hateful band wagon. A closet hater who hides till a braver hater have come out. At least annielouise doesn’t hide the nature of her hate.

[annielouise]

Bleurgh indeed! I'm sure all three (or is it 6 with the fuck buddies) will all be completely cool and perhaps even delighted to know they're in this web of squalor with you.

[CaraAspen]

"annielouise

I think you're sounding a self-absorbed player and a bit of an arse. If any of those women read this I think they'd run a mile and I wouldn't blame them. "Spent my life serving and putting other people first..." What a wanker you sound! Skanky!"

Well, you haven't held back, OP! However, I am inclined to agree. I would be utterly revolted to be in any sort of contact with someone who behaved in this way. Bleurgh.
Dress it up in any way you like, those of you who lead such lives, you are very unlikely to convince the majority who will regard the way you live as frankly skanky.

[annielouise]

I think you're sounding a self-absorbed player and a bit of an arse. If any of those women read this I think they'd run a mile and I wouldn't blame them. "Spent my life serving and putting other people first..." What a wanker you sound! Skanky!

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

I don't have a problem with multiple partners in whatever sense, hey it would be a boring existence if we were all the same, I've dated more than one person a time, I just personally wouldn't want to have sex with others if I was in a relationship.
I was single for quite a time, my choice. Meeting people and occasionally having no strings sex worked for me for a number of years but then I met someone. I didn't ever plan on living with someone again but now I do and the waking up to and going to bed with the same person every night (a thought which used to feel me with dread) has now become something I cherish.
I agree that sex, apart from being fun and feeling bloody good, is also, when done right with someone you care about, something can take you to a whole new level.. It does change things, how you feel about someone. In a relationship it's the only part of your life, body that you don't share with someone else and tbh I would struggle if my partner was also sharing that with other people, Im aware others don't agree with this I'm just trying to explain my perspective on non monogamous relationships.
I'm not a jealous or possessive person my partner has close female friends and shares a close relationship with his ex wife,I still meet my ex husband for coffee etc. We have no plans to marry or have more children, yes we do live together so obviously have merged our lives, children, families etc. I would be lying if I said this hadn't been tricky but in the same vain I'd also be lying if I said it wasn't worth it. Taking this into account we still have independent lives, we have separate finances, friends, spend time apart with our respective families and have out own interests etc.
I think a ltr should be based on trust and respect, irrespective of the relationship model you follow I personally just wouldn't want my partner sharing such intimate moments with someone else, that's our special times that have and continue to enrich our union.

[CaraAspen]

Exactly.

[Cricrichan]

I don't think any of them are right. It's when you can't get someone out of your head, are counting down the minutes until you see them, butterflies and don't consider anyone else that you know they're the one. I've never had to wonder or question my feelings for someone at the beginning as every sense shouted it to me!

[CaraAspen]

Riiiiight.

[noego]

Polyamory n : is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical
philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory
emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved
with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person
at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour
(meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory.

Polyamorous Definition? The first thing to understand is that anyone who is Polyamorous is not just interested in having sex with lots of different people. This is generally a common mis-conception and generally misunderstood by the public.

To be polyamorous simply means that you are not monogamous in your relationships. However, poly people and their lovers will generally have many relationships and believe you can love and have meaningful relationships with more than just one person. Many believe that monogomy is not natural for them and could lead people to be unhappy and even cheat in the long term. That simply is how the polyamorous definition is properly explained. Polyamoruous people practice Polyamory (see dictionary meaning above) and are also known as Poly people.

[CaraAspen]

Polywotsitism sounds too much like hard work.

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

What if you fall in love?

Well, seemingly, some polywotsitists manage to have non-exclusive loving relationships.

Personally, I don't think I'm wired for monogamy.

[CaraAspen]

Honesty is not always good.

[CaraAspen]

I don't get how a person can remain emotionally detached in all of those polywotsit setups. What if you fall in love? That is what most people want - just one special person.

[noego]

There is never a plan. Did you plan to marry the one you married. Did you plan your break up. Did you plan to be where you are today.
No plan is a good plan. What will be will be. But I do agree with your last sentence Don't look to far ahead, don't over think things, go with the flow. If that Is classed as a plan the yes it sounds like a plan :o)
As for labelling myself single. It is only a label. It's to much of a mouthful to say anything else really. How about bachelor that was conned :o)

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Good luck 1DAD. I'm still not sure how I feel about non-exclusive relationships. I meet people casually. I have a few people I consider FWBs. I don't want to meet a life partner, get married and live happily ever after.

But last year I dated a guy for a while. It finished after 7 months. It reached a natural end. But looking back, I was frequently pretty angry. I didn't like him having sex with other people. Because I liked him. I was jealous. I was fine with me dating other people, obviously.

So, I'm in a weird position. I'll apparently need to dump any of my current FWBs if I start having feelings for them.

Obviously, it's different for everybody. I know people who do the full-on polyamorous lifestyle. That seems like hard work. I'm non-exclusive because I want less relationship not more.

So, good luck, Op. There's no one answer. Not sure if my rambly account of my experience is of any help.

Just be honest. And nice.

[1DAD2KIDS]

The key is being in something that makes everyone happy. It's intrest me that you use the term single noego. I guess for me I want to be somewhere where I don't class my self a single. Independent yes but for me (I know it's only a label) I don't want to stay classed as single. What ever type of relationship monogamous or not I guess I still want to be classed as something more important in someone's life and them likewise in mine if that makes sense? I guess when you think about that can only really centre around one special person. As to how you conduct a relationship and the freedoms you agree on is joint decision. This is all so not black and white. But that's all theory. I am open to some of the more far out relationship ideas but yet to be convinced.

I think date, dont look too far ahead, don't over think things, go with the flow and let things run naturally in what ever direction it takes you. Does that sound a plan?