Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you define a 'friend' (as opposed to acquaintance, say)

139 replies

Aloha · 22/02/2007 22:48

Interested in this because of threads on MN and because I interviewed a psychologist recently who said you couldn't say someone was a friend unless you'd known them for several years, which took me aback a bit.
What in your view makes someone a friend?

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 22:50

I don't think time makes a friend. If you know you can trust them enough to talk about the most personal stuff, that makes a friend, to me.

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 22:51

Crikey, when someone's known me for several years, the last thing they call me is a friend

I think that the psychologist you interviewed is talking bollocks, to be frank (or dave) about it.

For instance.

I have known VVV for precisely eighteen months. Yet she is a fantastic friend. I actually love her. I've slept with her, even. So there.

harpsichordcarrier · 22/02/2007 22:51

several years?? good grief.
I would say, someone with whom you have an intimate and trusting relationship

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 22:52
Original poster
Aloha · 22/02/2007 22:53

Ah, hunker so that is how you define friendship is it? You minx

Do you expect reciprocal sharing to call it a friendship? Who goes first? Ever since I interviewed this woman I've been thinking, 'a few years? Really?'

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 22/02/2007 22:53

be my guest

HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 22:54

Lezzing is friendship? WOW!

bossykate · 22/02/2007 22:55

hi aloha

genuine non loaded question... what is your definition? did you have an articulated definition of friendship that didn't match up? or was it a "gut feel" thing?

i ask because i don't think i could define good friendship and don't think i have a gift for it ... luckily my friends do and are willing to overlook my shortcomings...

Aero · 22/02/2007 22:55

Isn't friendship about feelings though? I've known lots of people for many years, yet don't consider them more than acquaintances, and others I've not known long at all I consider as friends.

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 22:55

Certainly for me I would have to agree with Aloha's psychologist ! I tend to stick to my very old friends - although I have newer friends through dd's school - they aren't who I would talk to about anything personal, I just don't know them well enough, they are not close enough to me. I would even feel uncomfortable talking about stuff like house prices, salary etc - but with my real friends anything goes.

I think it's a trust thing - I have trouble trusting someone until I ahve known them quite a while !

Also I think with some people you just click amd get on - others it takes longer with.

I have had a few neighbours adopt me in the last years and take me on as their new best friend - t was stifling - I couldn't stand it - too much too soon - I'm afraid I had to just run away !

bossykate · 22/02/2007 22:56

hmm - i would think there would be some kind of reciprocity or at least quid pro quo...

bossykate · 22/02/2007 22:57

and at least equality of confidence... i.e. sharing of sensitive info...

Heathcliffscathy · 22/02/2007 22:57

someone you can turn to, and someone that you can weather rifts with and I'm afraid I agree that time is the test of both.

Not that I'm doyenne of friendships. I'm not.

Original poster
Aloha · 22/02/2007 22:58

I don't really know. I suppose I have known my friends for many years (two of them for over 30!) and worked with others for several years so saw them every day for long periods, so I can sort of see the point. I thought it was a bit depressing though. She said until that point she would class someone as an acquaintance. I was writing a feature about children's friendships actually, for a parenting title, and got on to adult friendships very briefly. I was a bit shocked. It seemed rather depressing somehow and couldn't quite articulate why.

OP posts:
bossykate · 22/02/2007 22:59
HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 22:59

If a new person i meet talks too much about nothing, I know we wont become real friends. Someone who can be quiet and listen can, though. But that's just me.

bossykate · 22/02/2007 23:00

children's friendships aren't like that though... they make very deep friendships - not always long lasting - what did she make of that?

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 23:01

I think that it's depressing because if you have to wait several years, as an adult, to make an acquaintance into a friend, it's a very long wait with lots of false starts.

Aero · 22/02/2007 23:01

I do have friends I've known most of my life too and they are definitely friends - just meant time isn't what makes a friendship. The feeling is reciprocated (as far as I know ) with my friends. I also know people I like very much as friends, but there are only certain friends I'd share 'everything' with.

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 23:02

It depends what sort of person you are, and what sort of people you meet too, IMO.

I am more discerning about my bedfellows, definitely, as I've got older.

bossykate · 22/02/2007 23:02

aloha, if i may be so bold, i think i sort of get what you mean... if you can only have friends who you've known since year dot - it means that all friendships are diminishing rather than increasing - especially as we age - this particular notion of friendship can only augment our fear of mortality... imho of course.

Original poster
Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:03

The feature was more about children who had difficulties making friends (too agressive, too shy etc) though I think the whole issue of how children make friends is interesting, especially compared to adults...hmmm...

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:04

Yes, BK and Hunker, it was depressing because I felt, oh, right, so even if I meet someone now I think is nice, it doesn't count as a friendship for years and years and until that point, well, what is the point? That was really stunningly inarticulate! And I am off wine for Lent too.

OP posts:
Sobernow · 22/02/2007 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bossykate · 22/02/2007 23:06

hope it wasn't too close to the bone for you - sorry if i am speaking out of turn. i don't think children's friendship is at all the same as adults' - different expectations, different goals...