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Relationships

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How do you define a 'friend' (as opposed to acquaintance, say)

139 replies

Aloha · 22/02/2007 22:48

Interested in this because of threads on MN and because I interviewed a psychologist recently who said you couldn't say someone was a friend unless you'd known them for several years, which took me aback a bit.
What in your view makes someone a friend?

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Sobernow · 22/02/2007 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:08

It's different for kids though isn't it ? They don't have much else to think about and they spend huge amounts of time together, same with students - that's why deep friendships are formed in the childhood years - shared experiences, same phase of life etc etc.

As an adult there is so much else going on - different backgrounds, different attitudes, partners to consider, work, children etc we just don't ahev the time to invest which is why I think it takes longer.

I think she's right - I really do.

I thought my antenatal friends were real friends, but they weren't, we were all too different, we were at same life stage, had common interset (babies) but as they grew up and went to different nurseries, some of us went back to work, some disapproved, the group fragmented. We kept meeting for a while but all we talked about was the children - it was dull, there was nothing there and it all broke up. I don't even have their addresses now and dd is only 6.

Read a good article once - different friends for different phases or something. Some are good for a reason - ie. support at work, some are transitional - like antenatal groyup, and some are friends for lief.

hana · 22/02/2007 23:08

a friend is someone you can call up and chat about nothing
an aquatience is someone you'd phone for a specific reason

just was thinking about this - v v v close friend recently moved abroad and I sooooo miss talking to her on the phone - we still do, but it's not the same I don't have many people that I can yak away on the phone to

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/02/2007 23:09

Awww hunker I love you too

Funny, I think I always have......[doe-eyed]

It really does depend on how well you get on. I have only actually met up with Hunker about 11 or 12 times in person, and YES we have slept together . But, we just get on so well, talk every day about anything and everything. That's been the case right from the start, which was when we met at the Nov'05 meet up. It's why she is going to be my matron of honour at my wedding too.

Same with a few other MNers (I'm not about to list them either.....its not going to turn into one of those threads)

I always think that acquaintances are more 'incidental', ie, you dont go out of your way to see, meet, speak but, when you do - you get on.

A friend you go the extra mile for to make sure you do speak here and there. You miss them if you havent seen or spoken to them for a while. A good thing in their life makes you genuinely happy etc.

Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:09

My first reaction was surprise as she was quite emphatic about it. I wasn't going to disagree as it wasn't what we were talking about etc, but I was taken aback, I suppose. She talked very sensibly about children!

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hana · 22/02/2007 23:09

oh god
horrid spelling there oops

bossykate · 22/02/2007 23:10

And I am off wine for Lent too.

what have you done with the real aloha???

actually in the reactionary, doctrinaire yada yada yada we do "Lenten Promises" now...

so you promise to do something good rather than give something up...

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 23:11

I've seen my postman more often than I've seen VVV

He snores though, so I prefer sleeping with her.

Heathcliffscathy · 22/02/2007 23:11

hi bossy

Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:12

Why am I giving up wine for Lent or why for Lent specifically? Am trying to lose weight and not feel so run down (had this wretched cough and sinus virus) and Lent seems a nice, socially defined and limited period! Also a friend (!) is doing it too, so is acting as support system. 46 days though! Yikes!

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Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:13

Friend is non-practising semi-believing Catholic btw!

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/02/2007 23:13

I think I have become much better at making friends as I have become older too. I was rubbish at it as a child.

Sobernow · 22/02/2007 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:15

My oldest friends are one from ballet class when I was seven and one who was in my first primary school class. They are my closest friends too. Which kind of supports the pyschologist's view - damn it!

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hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 23:16

I was rubbish at making friends as a child too.

And I didn't have any close female friends till I was in my 20s.

Not that keen on "women" as a pack.

Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:16

My wine-deprived Lenten buddy? 32 years!

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scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:17

The other thing is that children don't judge - they don't look at your car, your house, your clothes and decide on looks alone whether you are their kind of person or not !

They come without preconceptions - but as adults we have all that !!

I think friendships are a lot like falling in love - it either happens straight away or it doesn't and if you don't click with someone why bother outting in the effort ??? You wouldn't stay with a partner if there was no PHWOAR factor - so why waste time on a potential friend without the CLICK factor ?

We just don't have time as adults - that's the trouble !

hunkerdave · 22/02/2007 23:25

I think it's easier to meet someone you've spoken to online a lot. You've already ironed out where you stand on little things, big things, you've shared jokes, etc, etc.

sazzybee · 22/02/2007 23:25

I think that generally we tend to value people we've known for longer because we've shared more with them. But I had a massive falling out with two friends last year who I'd known for 20 years (over the same incident - I'm not that careless). And the time apart has made me realise just how stale our friendship had become in one case and almost toxic in the other.
And I have some friends who I've met through another board I'm on who I've known for about a year and I would class as very good friends. Sure, they don't know as much about my history. But I know they love me for who I am now rather than who they think I should be or who I used to be.
As far as the difference between friends and acquaintances, my friends are the people I'm going to text when I've given birth

HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 23:30

I realised that those I thought were real friends, weren't when I left ex dw. They sided with her, even though I'd known them since infants school.

Took a lot for me to want to make friends again. I since married a true friend and she is all the friends I need.

bossykate · 22/02/2007 23:31

lol aloha, thank goodness you have mnet to express your real views on religion - otherwise you would have to risk your friendships or burst! agree with you it is a nice easy defined period to do/not do something... Hmmm...

as i am doing a love-in with sophable... it's v. nice to be discussing something with you that we can... discuss. i agree with you on most things - it is just the r word we must avoid. anyway. glad we are talking now

hello sophable, i'm sorry we had a difference of opinion earlier - we may not always agree, but i am always interested in what you have to say. i was really pleased to see you on fri - didn't know if coming up to say hello was the right thing - didn't want to be a weirdy internet stalker type person. meant to cat you but can't log in to mn from home so couldn't do it at the w/e - and since then have been busy at work. loved trinity but bill was astronomical - for a better experience with equivalent food, wonderful sommelier and a more modest bill - please see "upstairs" to which i linked on the other thread.

i often think there are a group of us mnetters in s. london who should be meeting eachother more... as this thread is about friendships etc!

sykes · 22/02/2007 23:32

Somebody who knows you so horribly well.

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:35

sazzybee - that rings true for me too. I had a couple of school friends who I had kept in touch with - probably out of habit and duty - but I realised when having trouble TTC that we had nothing in common. One, a midwife of all things, kept ringing and asking if I was pregnant yet - and kept saying stuff like "you want to get on with it coz you won't cope with a handicapped child" - I suddenly woke up to the fact that she was a nasty bully, and dropped her pronto. The other one hates children, one of those people who tut at children in restuarants etc and she came to see dd when she was about a month old - refused to hold her and looked visibly repulsed by her - and I just thought - No this is wrong, and again that's down to exchanging Xmas cards now

Sometimes it's good to prune your friends I guess !

Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:39

Oh, she knows I think is all pie in sky, but she doesn't mind! We agree on a lot of very odd and outre things (like the fact we'd both rather have red wine and peanuts than a meal out ) and we have grown tolerant of our differences....which I suppose is the virtue of a very long friendship. She has no kids and even though she has lots of friends who have kids and work, believes working parents get an easy ride at work - which would probably put me off someone I hadn't known for so long. BK she comes from an Irish Catholic family - mother a Kelly and bessie mates with the priest etc - you'd have a lot in common

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Aloha · 22/02/2007 23:43

Going to bed now, but think I like the definition that a friend is someone you call to talk about nothing with, while an acquaintance you only call to talk about something specific. I think that works for me.

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