Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you keep being nice to IL's, even if they make it clear they don't like you?

41 replies

DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 14:48

If your IL's (inc SIL/BIL) don't really respect you or like you very much, do you keep being pleasant?

Feeling rather f**cked off with SIL and wondering why i bother really.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 14:48

No.

beckybrastraps · 22/02/2007 14:49

Definitely.

Kill them with kindness.

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 14:50

i should just stop trying really. i wish had the balls to say 'do you know what? i've never been anything but nice to you, whereas you act like a t**t towards me. what is your problem?!

OP posts:
Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 15:00

but Becky- why should i keep making all the effort, and get nothing back? it's just taking the piss really isn't it?

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 22/02/2007 15:01

Because they're my dh's family.

And he loves them - although they do drive him up the wall too.

aquasea · 22/02/2007 15:02

"why should i keep making all the effort, and get nothing back" - because then they really have nothing on you. They will never be justified bitching about you because you will never have given them any ammunition. I know it's a pain but seriously, I believe nice as pie is the only way to go. I feel your pain though!
xx

Lullabyloo · 22/02/2007 15:05

No

snig · 22/02/2007 15:06

i have a simalar thing with my dp step dad, he has always been rude but over the last two years he has gotten worse. i've always tried to placate him (is that the right word?) but now i just cannot be bothered anymore. After a disastrous weekend spent with them we have no plans to go to see them and equally are 'going out' if they wish to come and see us. I have licked his ass to keep the peace for too long.

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 15:06

i think it's so rude i haven't even had a birthday card from her. i've offered to cook for her, sent her flowers when she was down to cheer her up, always been nice, made conversation with her when she comes to see DS. i didn't even kick off when she turned up Xmas Day after we asked everyone to leave us alone for our first Xmas together as a family.

Gah! I don't even know why i care. I suppose it pees me off that she's nice to my face, but probably says all sorts behind my back. I think she only puts it on to see DS.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 22/02/2007 15:06

Yes, I do. Otherwise I bring myself down to her level.

I refuse to give her any ammunition that she can throw back at me - if I am nice to her, then it's her who looks unreasonable every time.

Drives me mad ... but it also drives her mad too, and that has to be worth something

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 15:11

i don't think it drives her mad though- i think she thinks i'm an idiot for being nice.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 22/02/2007 15:47

DH can still have a normal relationship with them, without you having to be involved with them at all.

beckybrastraps · 22/02/2007 15:48

So she is nice to your face even though she doesn't like you.

And to be fair, you are saying all sorts of things about her behind her back...

amidaiwish · 22/02/2007 15:54

SIL was like this to me for a while - i just remained pleasant to neutral. certianly didn't overly make an effort though, why should i?

i'd say try not to make a big deal about it and try not to be bothered. you married him, not his family. it's his problem if they're not nice to you. as my mum would say "rise above it"

unknownrebelbang · 22/02/2007 15:54

Not ILs, but we have a problem with my stepmother.

I choose to ignore her as much as possible but am always polite when I do have to speak. DH always makes a point of being ultra-polite and charming.

It really irritates her, plus we maintain our dignity.

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 16:00

so it's supposed to be better that she pretends to be nice Becky?

i know she has been rude behind my back, from being told by other people. i have always tried to be nice in order to have some kind of relationship, but now i don't know why i keep trying.

and i've hardly slated her here, have i?

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 22/02/2007 16:03

i'm with unknownrebelbang

just be distant but polite
keep out of her way
she is probably jealous of you or something. not your problem.

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 16:05

i suppose i'll have to.

i thought after all the effort i've made in the last year i'd at least get a card for my birthday, but there we are.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 22/02/2007 16:05

It isn't reasonable to expect everyone to genuinely like you. If she doesn't, and is being polite to you nonetheless, then maybe she's just dong what other people on here have suggested...

If she is actively being rude about you to common aquaintances, then that is unacceptable. I am hugely rude about my ILs to my friends, but only because they don't know my ILs from Adam.

Anyway, as I said, my DH loves them, and I love him, and as it is for us just a case of them thinking I'm not good enough, and me thinking, well, I won't go on, but you get the gist, then I will so my best to keep things ticking along nicely.

Caligula · 22/02/2007 16:06

You have to keep being nice to her because that way you always have the moral highground. As soon as you descend to her level, you weaken your position vis a vis your DH.

If there is ever any major conflict with your IL's in the future, the fact that you have always been civilised and decent and they have been savages, will mean that your DH is much more likely to be unambiguously on your side.

It's a long game. You might know these people for anotehr 50 years. A lot might happen in that time.

Tortington · 22/02/2007 16:08

no - if someone can't be civil to me thenthey can go fuck themselves

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 16:08

50 years

shudders

OP posts:
Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 22/02/2007 16:09

ooh custardo! I wish i was as brave!

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/02/2007 16:14

avoid them - i'm not a bolshy face 'em up kind of person.

but if i get crossed i never forget.

i wouldnt go to the same family things as them. my dh could go - kids could go - i would always have a reason not to go.

no visits.

no birthday cards or xmas cards - with instruction to dh - they are your family - you get them. i get mine equal division of labour.

if he forgets ( as they do) not my fault - i am guilt free ( in my head)

phone calls from them - i would refrain from continuing any conversation or asking after anything which could create a coversation - simple blunt yet polite answers and silences inbetween.

why would i possibly go out of my way for someone to treat me with no respect.

fuck em.

LEMONADEGIRL · 22/02/2007 16:17

Afternoon!

Can I join this one please....

Having a few issues with my inlaws myself.. I always wonder if it is me or them but i tend to bite my tongue for the sake of dh. Now have mn to ofload !!!!