Do you keep being nice to IL's, even if they make it clear they don't like you?

[DetentionGrrrl]

If your IL's (inc SIL/BIL) don't really respect you or like you very much, do you keep being pleasant?

Feeling rather f**cked off with SIL and wondering why i bother really.

[rachelhill]

I just pretend they are dead and I don't talk to the dead

[pointydog]

I'll tell dh. Maybe he'll get a bunch from fil

[tigermoth]

well, hope they are lovely flowers!

[DetentionGrrrl]

um.....








































Just had flowers delivered from SIL

Looks like she has changed then, and she might like me!

[pointydog]

dh has had a terrible time over the years with my dad (who usually despises dh). Snide comments, being ignored, made to feel crap.

dh has had spells whre he's thought 'fuck him' but on the whole he has really tried to be pleasant, tried to talk about my dad's interests (he is much nicer to my dad thsan I am) and over the years I can see that he's played it right.

There is indeed far more satisfaction to be got by knowing that you have been a thoughtful civil person.

Although realistically a lot of the time you've just got to try and switch off, ignore 'em and scream in your head.

[DetentionGrrrl]

you're right.

i'll keep being civil- besides, i don't want DS to pick up on it. if i'm always nice, nobody can say i didn't try at least.

[WinkyWinkola]

Sounds like a pretty sorry situation, Detention Grrrl. And not one you'd put up with say from a member of your own family or a friend.

BUT having said that, it does sound like you can get great satisfaction from having behaved like a normal, civilised person. That's something to be pleased about?

Boundaries are a good idea too but sounds like you've set those up already.

I never assume that just because my PIL are nice to me that we're friends. I know just how pushy and two-faced they can be because they slag off other people/family relentlessly to me and DH. I'm know they do the same about us.

I don't care where I stand with them - the important thing is that I know exactly where THEY stand with ME and that's what matters. IYSWIM.

[DetentionGrrrl]

i think the reason i felt so upset is that for the 1st 5 or 6 years of me being with DP she ignored me (even over tea at her mothers house) she even told DP she hated me when she hadn't even seen a picture of me, let alone met me!

Because she's been civil for the last couple of years, and i've been so nice, i mistakenly thought we might be becoming 'friends' of sorts, but apparently not- that's why the card has hurt my feelings.

Never mind. I don't suppose i've really lost anything. At least when she was very rude i knew exactly where i stood with her.

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

My fil didn?t speak to me for two years after a family argument during which he was very nasty to me and even called me a bad mother. Even when he came to my house he would ignore me. I was beyond civil, I cooked his favourite meals/desserts, I went out of my way to be nice, and two years on the relationship is much better. One of us had to be an adult, and I was going to make damn sure that it was me. Ultimately, they?re my dh?s family, and my ds? grandparents.

And IMO not wanting to be civil because of not having received a birthday card is a bit of an overreaction. Maybe your sil has said some things about you behind your back, but tbh the person who told you that is as bad as your sil, after all, why does someone need to tell you what sil is saying about you behind your back?

[vizbizz]

Reading this makes me so grateful I have a nice MIL.

Having said that I would probably confront if I was in this situation, since I hate playing games with issues like this. Not everyone has to like you, but they should behave and be civil out of respect for family

[Sakura]

I did so for ages, and the last 5 months since IVe given birth, MIL has been increasingly nasty and snidey towards me in secret ways so DH hasnt noticed. (Jealousy maybe?) Ive been putting up with it, thinking, you stupid old bat, dont you know if you push me too far, Im just not going to meet up with you with DD. I really tried to "kill her with kindness"; inviting her to lunch on a Sunday, going to visit her with DD in the week. She never stopped criticising and just generally being mean. <br /> Ive snapped. Had it out with DH. Told DH I want to have it out with her. Hes told her to stay away for a while because weve got relationship problems (down to her). ANd I dont plan on meeting up with her again until the whole thing has been sorted out. <br /> So Id say, be nice up until a point, but don`T be nice indefinitely. MILs are sometimes like 6 year olds. They need boundaries.

[TheBlonde]

I agree with custardo - be civil but don't make any effort. It's up to your OH to deal with them

[tigermoth]

definitely agree on the 'be nice' front. But also, if you suspect they bitch about you behind your back, be really guarded in how much you show of yourself. Don't give them ammunition. And always put on a brave, happy face - show them what a great life you are having with your dh and how much you love each other. The happier you are, the weaker their position will seem.

[WinkyWinkola]

I don't like my in laws much at all and I've made the mistake of being rude and surly to them. That totally made me look like the moody child and gave them great satisfaction recounting my attitude to all their relatives!

I've decided since January that it's so much better, whatever their behaviour, to be polite, civil, even vaguely helpful but totally distant so that they can make no claims as to one's bad behaviour. Wish I'd realised this before but they used to make me puce with anger the way they behaved so arrogantly and OTT. Mind you, I don't see them that often as they live 200 miles away. Thank goodness.

It takes a lot of effort to be rude too and I'm pretty tired most of the time anyway.

[aquasea]

Custado I have to completely disagree with you. I have experience of this from both sides. My DH family has had (and probably still do!) problems with me and some of my family were horrific to my DH. Both DH and I are very close to our families and if either of us just cut the other's family out I seriously doubt our relationship could survive. My DH persevered with my family and now they love him and I love and respect him so much for that. If he had done as you'd suggested (which would have been an entirely reasonable response - I was appalled by their behaviour towards him) I would have been heartbroken and either my relationship with him or my family would have been destroyed. As it stands, my family eventually realised they were in the wrong and apologised to him and he, luckily, never took it personally and always thought it was their problem anyway. It's hard to be like that but I do think the best way forward is to be nice. You don't have to go over the top and cook, send flowers etc (because then you set yourself up for being upset when your behaviour isn't reciprocated) just always be pleasant, try to ignore any bitchiness (vent to your friends later!) and give them nothing to bitch about.

[HappyDaddy]

custardo, you sound like my dw. It saves a lot of grief as no one ever complains of getting mixed messages.

[LEMONADEGIRL]

Afternoon!

Can I join this one please....

Having a few issues with my inlaws myself.. I always wonder if it is me or them but i tend to bite my tongue for the sake of dh. Now have mn to ofload !!!!

[Tortington]

avoid them - i'm not a bolshy face 'em up kind of person.

but if i get crossed i never forget.

i wouldnt go to the same family things as them. my dh could go - kids could go - i would always have a reason not to go.

no visits.

no birthday cards or xmas cards - with instruction to dh - they are your family - you get them. i get mine equal division of labour.

if he forgets ( as they do) not my fault - i am guilt free ( in my head)

phone calls from them - i would refrain from continuing any conversation or asking after anything which could create a coversation - simple blunt yet polite answers and silences inbetween.


why would i possibly go out of my way for someone to treat me with no respect.

fuck em.

[DetentionGrrrl]

ooh custardo! I wish i was as brave!

[DetentionGrrrl]

50 years

shudders

[Tortington]

no - if someone can't be civil to me thenthey can go fuck themselves

[Caligula]

You have to keep being nice to her because that way you always have the moral highground. As soon as you descend to her level, you weaken your position vis a vis your DH.

If there is ever any major conflict with your IL's in the future, the fact that you have always been civilised and decent and they have been savages, will mean that your DH is much more likely to be unambiguously on your side.

It's a long game. You might know these people for anotehr 50 years. A lot might happen in that time.

[beckybrastraps]

It isn't reasonable to expect everyone to genuinely like you. If she doesn't, and is being polite to you nonetheless, then maybe she's just dong what other people on here have suggested...

If she is actively being rude about you to common aquaintances, then that is unacceptable. I am hugely rude about my ILs to my friends, but only because they don't know my ILs from Adam.

Anyway, as I said, my DH loves them, and I love him, and as it is for us just a case of them thinking I'm not good enough, and me thinking, well, I won't go on, but you get the gist, then I will so my best to keep things ticking along nicely.

[DetentionGrrrl]

i suppose i'll have to.

i thought after all the effort i've made in the last year i'd at least get a card for my birthday, but there we are.

[amidaiwish]

i'm with unknownrebelbang

just be distant but polite
keep out of her way
she is probably jealous of you or something. not your problem.