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Original poster

My husband doesn't financially support me or the kids.

97 replies

Fairytale89 · 11/01/2017 06:47

We have been together for 12 years and have two toddlers aged 1 and 3. My husband left his stable job of 10 years to set up how own business - it was his dream to do so, so I stood by him. He has had the business (in hospitality) for 3 years and this has had a knock on effect with him spending quality time with me and the kids and also financially.

To this date the children and I hardly see him. He leaves in the morning crack of dawn before we wake up and then returns around 8pm which is the time the kids are in bed. He has one day off but he spends 25% of the time recuperating from the week another 25% of the day preparing for his week ahead and which leaves very little quality time with his family. I get so upset that he's not around to sit with the kids for breakfast or dinner meals. As a couple we hardly do anything together no nights out for dinner or the movies. Partly because we do not have anyone nearby to could look after the kids. But even so in the evenings by the time he gets home and settles in he is knackered and falls asleep by 9-10pm.

He misses the majority of family events (not the childrens) but extended family birthdays, dinner parties, days out etc. I'm with the children all day so this can be exhausting for me (especially two toddlers). I'm very active with the kids- we do lots of trips out to the park, swimming and we go out to toddler groups and meet other mums. But I miss having my husband around to spend time with us. He is missing out on the children growing up.

The business is just surviving week by week but he keeps going. I admire his determination to make a success of it but it's been 3 years and financially we need money now to stay afloat. I left a very good job to be a stay at home mum (childcare for two is very costly). A decision we made together. I enjoy being at home with the kids. However when I was working and had my first child I was paying for everything. Now I'm off work I expect my husband to support his family. But that's not happening. For both my maternity leaves I have funded myself and the children paying for clothes, all the baby starter kit (e.g. Cot bed, pram, car seat, clothes), days out, holidays, birthday and Christmas gifts, meals out, cars, car insurance, home insurance the list goes on. I have been living off my savings that I worked hard over the years to accumulate now I hardly have anything left. I've been careful not to overspend and for Christmas 2016 I had to cut back on the kids gifts which I'm so upset about. My husband hardly contributes to financially support us. He gives me £10 here and there for petrol and groceries but that doesn't stretch far. I have communicated with him several times of how much money I need weekly to cover expenditures but he doesn't give me anything close to what's needed. Even maintenance of the car, MOT and servicing I have to fork out.

I used some of my savings to help kick start the business which was agreed that I would need the money back once the business was making money. But I'm not sure how and when it will be returned. I have asked him but he cannot give me an answer.

I keep thinking positively that things will get better. I have had discussions with him verbally and by email (thinking it but sink in better with him on paper) but nothing has changed. He understands that he needs to support us but nothing changes. He's made cutbacks in the business by reducing staff - he now works on his own which means longer hours but I still haven't seen any financial rewards for me and the family.

I love my husband dearly. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
timeforabrewnow · 11/01/2017 06:51

Who does the accounts? He's working a lot of hours for no pay

TheSparrowhawk · 11/01/2017 06:58

This is a ridiculous situation. How come you don't know what's going on financially with your husband's business??

Phineyj · 11/01/2017 07:00

This is crazy. You're going to have to go back to work I'm afraid - you cannot rely on this person, however much you love him!

Whocansay · 11/01/2017 07:15

This does not add up. Whatever he's doing, he's not working. He does seem to have checked out of family life though. He is choosing not to spend time with you. You need to have a conversation with him. And have a bloody good look at his business accounts.

If you were earning good money before kids, go back to work. He won't support them, so you will have to.

Original poster
Fairytale89 · 11/01/2017 07:18

@phineyj childcare cost just over £2,000 per month for both kids full time. It's not feasible at the moment unfortunately to return to work. When both are at school then I could return back to work.

@thesparrowhawk I do know the financial situation of the business. Did I give the impression I didn't?

@timeforabrewnow he is making money but not enough after overheads.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 11/01/2017 07:19

It doesn't sound as if you know how much money they're making, no.

When he saved on staff costs, how did this not increase his profitability? Is he paying himself a salary?

WorldsSmallestPatio · 11/01/2017 07:20

Well as a family you both need to set a limit on how to do the business before you chuck it in and get a paying job.

If he's not bringing home minimum wage after 3 years (?) then I would stop.

WorldsSmallestPatio · 11/01/2017 07:21

On how LONG to do the business before chucking it in

Isadora2007 · 11/01/2017 07:22

Your money? Your savings? His money? Wtf?

You're married so surely it is your money- and his- together. Yes I would be concerned by him working so much for so little but you need to sit down and talk and he needs to make time to do this. He can't keep working at this level for this little and you can't keep on doing everything alone.
Make a date for a two hour meeting with him uninterrupted. And talk.
And get a joint account and forget about your money and his money. Unless you think you might leave him.

MrsBertBibby · 11/01/2017 07:26

Have you tried claiming tax credits?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 11/01/2017 07:27

Have you explained you can't keep the family afloat out of savings and so from next month will he be able to pay the mortgage/rent, bills and buy food? That if you are going to be the main breadwinner, you can do that but childcare will be £2k a month, can he commit to cover that so you can work, either paying for it or doing the childcare.

Realistically you need to stop funding the family from savings - that's no way to live, you have to move on to living off income, one way or another.

I would insist on returning to work - dreamers are lovely but he needs to face reality, he can't expect someone else to do the grown up stuff so he can play at being a business man.

starsinyourpies · 11/01/2017 07:33

Yes is he clear on a timeline when he expects to be able to pay himself a salary?

SheldonCRules · 11/01/2017 07:37

You both sound like you need to grow up. Why continue to add to the family if already struggling?

It sounds like you both need to gain employment and finance the household rather than play at a business and house.

tribpot · 11/01/2017 07:38

Are you a shareholder in the business? If you were you would be receiving dividends. Is the business genuinely not making any profit? If so, I think he needs to scale it back and run it as a sideline alongside a job that can provide for his family.

Why does he not see it as his responsibility to provide for his family?

Fairylea · 11/01/2017 07:39

If he is on such a low income (?) you should be able to claim tax credits. Look online at "entitledto.com" and use their benefits checker.

I couldn't live like this. He doesn't sound like part of the family, financially or emotionally. My dh and I are a team- he works, I stay home but all money is family money. We give ourselves equal spending money from whatever is left. Anything less is very unfair.

OurBlanche · 11/01/2017 07:40

The easiest point to make is that he is working simply to work! His business is only just feeding itself... not his family.

His business is costing him every penny and hour he has. Is that what he wants his life to be? Working simply to work? The rest of his life gets none of him, not financially, not in person... is that what he thought running the business would be?

Whatever his dream he needs a rethink!

Imbroglio · 11/01/2017 07:41

I think in the circumstances it is wise to keep the money separate.

No real advice but it would make sense to review the business plan and work out a strategy. Eg is the business promising enough to bring in a new partner or to get a business loan?

His routine sounds punishing and he may be too exhausted to think about this objectively.

Chippednailvarnishing · 11/01/2017 07:42

So how much money is he actually bring in?

Freedom2017 · 11/01/2017 07:44

He gives you £10 here and there? How can he possibly think that is any way near acceptable for a man to support his family?

Does he actually want to continue this business? If it's not financially viable then I don't see how he can. Is there a possibility he is making money but you are just not seeing it?

zippey · 11/01/2017 07:44

Is there any way you could help out in the business?

Sounds like you would be better off with him having a normal full time job.

NewNNfor2017 · 11/01/2017 07:46

Starting a business - especially a hospitality business - is a hard slog; it can be 5+ years before it begins to show a decent return.

Choosing to start a family in that period and your decision to become a SAHM is incompatible with the decision previously made to set up the business.

I think it's crunch time - you both have to address the fact that you've made rash decisions as a couple, work out your options and decide how to move forward - whether that is you working, him giving up the business and finding more regular income or reducing your outgoings as a family.

Freedom2017 · 11/01/2017 07:47

Basically you have no income coming in. You are not working and he is not making money. How long can you do that for financially and how long are you prepared to do that for?

sparechange · 11/01/2017 07:54

So the savings are yours, but his money should be yours as well?
And you are 'standing by him' in his dream to run the business but also 'so upset' that he doesn't make breakfast for the kids?

This doesn't add up at all. The situation has been like this for 3 years but you have a 1 and 3 year old?

You expect to be a kept woman but also encouraged him to set up his own business that he didn't even have enough seed capital to get off the ground?

Do you talk to each other at all? You both sound ridiculous, to be honest. He can't have much business sense to stilll be scraping by after all this time and you sound like you live on a dream world with your expectations of a charmed life

Hoppinggreen · 11/01/2017 07:56

My DH gave up a well paid job to start his own business - it was his dream!
After 3 bloody stressful years where we used all our savings plus whatever I could earn ( while still looking after the dc and helping with his business) he finally gave up and is earning good money again. The stress was so great that I was hospitalised twice with chest pains and permanently damaged my teeth by grinding them in my sleep and now I am only working very part time as my mental health suffers so much.
My DH did it for all the right reasons but the resentment is still huge on my part over a year since he stopped doing it - largely because despite the effect on me he only stopped due to funding drying up so he had no choice.
This will kill your marriage and any feelings you have for your DH if it continues. A business not making money is basically a hobby and it sounds like you can't afford his hobby right now

Manumission · 11/01/2017 07:58

I left a very good job to be a stay at home mum (childcare for two is very costly). A decision we made together. I enjoy being at home with the kids. However when I was working and had my first child I was paying for everything. Now I'm off work I expect my husband to support his family. But that's not happening. For both my maternity leaves I have funded myself and the children paying for clothes, all the baby starter kit (e.g. Cot bed, pram, car seat, clothes), days out, holidays, birthday and Christmas gifts, meals out, cars, car insurance, home insurance the list goes on. I have been living off my savings that I worked hard over the years to accumulate now I hardly have anything left.

So you "expect him to support his family" but you agreed to him starting his own business around the time DC1 was born and then went on to have DC2 once he was up and running. You must have seen what he was making? Or at least known that start ups aren't lucrative? So why are you expecting him to fully support all your costs from one?! It's just not realistic.

And what's the "his money, my money" thing all about? That's really strange when a family is trying to live off one income. You just throw your lots in together surely?

I think you sound a bit unreasonable and imperious with the "I expect" stuff and your loans to him. You agreed to the business start up. You planned the babies. You left your job. You're a team and need to make further decisions and plan solutions together.