My husband doesn't financially support me or the kids.

[Fairytale89]

We have been together for 12 years and have two toddlers aged 1 and 3. My husband left his stable job of 10 years to set up how own business - it was his dream to do so, so I stood by him. He has had the business (in hospitality) for 3 years and this has had a knock on effect with him spending quality time with me and the kids and also financially.

To this date the children and I hardly see him. He leaves in the morning crack of dawn before we wake up and then returns around 8pm which is the time the kids are in bed. He has one day off but he spends 25% of the time recuperating from the week another 25% of the day preparing for his week ahead and which leaves very little quality time with his family. I get so upset that he's not around to sit with the kids for breakfast or dinner meals. As a couple we hardly do anything together no nights out for dinner or the movies. Partly because we do not have anyone nearby to could look after the kids. But even so in the evenings by the time he gets home and settles in he is knackered and falls asleep by 9-10pm.

He misses the majority of family events (not the childrens) but extended family birthdays, dinner parties, days out etc. I'm with the children all day so this can be exhausting for me (especially two toddlers). I'm very active with the kids- we do lots of trips out to the park, swimming and we go out to toddler groups and meet other mums. But I miss having my husband around to spend time with us. He is missing out on the children growing up.

The business is just surviving week by week but he keeps going. I admire his determination to make a success of it but it's been 3 years and financially we need money now to stay afloat. I left a very good job to be a stay at home mum (childcare for two is very costly). A decision we made together. I enjoy being at home with the kids. However when I was working and had my first child I was paying for everything. Now I'm off work I expect my husband to support his family. But that's not happening. For both my maternity leaves I have funded myself and the children paying for clothes, all the baby starter kit (e.g. Cot bed, pram, car seat, clothes), days out, holidays, birthday and Christmas gifts, meals out, cars, car insurance, home insurance the list goes on. I have been living off my savings that I worked hard over the years to accumulate now I hardly have anything left. I've been careful not to overspend and for Christmas 2016 I had to cut back on the kids gifts which I'm so upset about. My husband hardly contributes to financially support us. He gives me £10 here and there for petrol and groceries but that doesn't stretch far. I have communicated with him several times of how much money I need weekly to cover expenditures but he doesn't give me anything close to what's needed. Even maintenance of the car, MOT and servicing I have to fork out.

I used some of my savings to help kick start the business which was agreed that I would need the money back once the business was making money. But I'm not sure how and when it will be returned. I have asked him but he cannot give me an answer.

I keep thinking positively that things will get better. I have had discussions with him verbally and by email (thinking it but sink in better with him on paper) but nothing has changed. He understands that he needs to support us but nothing changes. He's made cutbacks in the business by reducing staff - he now works on his own which means longer hours but I still haven't seen any financial rewards for me and the family.

I love my husband dearly. I don't know what to do anymore.

It sounds like the business is really insolvent and its only a matter of time before it goes under. He has tried to make a go of it but he has been well out of his depth. If its not making any sort of profit after three years it won't do so.

He's obviously doing everything he can to make it work, admitting defeat, closing it and going back to paid employment will be difficult if this was his dream, it would feel like failure.

So the question is does he ever think he can bring in a decent profit? Have you seen the projections, what's he doing to grow the business, is it on track as to what was expected?

Yy pyong. If it is op's first post, it's hardly full of provocation! Could also be a name change, given it's fairly identifying with ages of kids and line of work.

I was recently told that as long as a husband does the following (3 Ps) a marriage has a great chance of survival

Provide, be Present and Protect.

So what are the things wives have to do then?

and have we woken up in the 1950s

Quitting your well paying job to be a SAHM when your husbands business isn't making any money was a very foolish decision.

Basically, you are funding his business, with the loan and with permitting him not to take salary (by paying for the children and all your other costs, bar those occasional £10 for fuel). Pull the plug. Your credit line is dry, and you're calling in the debt. He can either get a bank loan or a buyout, but you are calling in all that the business owes you. If the business can't pay, it's insolvent and he'll need to get another source of income. Actually, he'll need to get A source of income. Bank of wife and savings is empty

This covers everything that I was going to say. You're bankrolling him. He's playing at running a business and failing. He doesn't seem quite in touch with reality.

when my partner ended up working all the hours god sends, for fuck all money, i insisted that he got a job and gave up on his business. It wasnt an easy decision, but had to be done

Aye, as she says childcare for two is costly, although the job was well paid, it might not cover childcare and commuting with much left over.

I do think that OP returning to work part or full time should be in the mix for solutions though.

Yes, of course, Piglet! Sorry. I am a bad feminist, not specifying that.

My first ever post here was about a life crisis. That's how I found MN.

If his business isn't making money after 3 years, it isn't going to make money. One of you needs to go and get a job.

Man same here.

I hate the way that some people think that they are being oh so clever to advanced search and accuse the OP of .,... what? Being a troll on the basis of some fairly mundane financial worries? Its hardly goady!

Everyone has to start somewhere, all this kind of thing does is put off new members.

You say that you know the financial situation of the business, so therefore you must know whether or not there is any money available for drawings each month. If not, then you need to find out quick. I would also go to the next meeting that he has with his accountant to see what he has to say about the viability of the business and wether or not it is worth continuing or whether he should call it a day.

My XH ran his own business and he had to let staff go as they were earning the money and he was making a loss, and that then turned things around a bit.

I have been in a similar situation, although to some extent it was enforced on dh to go freelance as he couldn't find permanent work after redundancy.

I think he needs to discuss with you how he envisages this working - making more money. If he's got clients, he's working all hours and not making enough money - why is he continuing?

You don't want to get to the stage we were at. House on market but market dead. Buying food on credit cards. Debt increasing monthly. Wondering how the hell we're going to pay the mortgage/rent next month. As time goes on it gets more and more stressful. I stopped the dc's activities. I stopped buying anything but desperately needed stuff. I had a broken tooth, my hair hadn't been cut for months and I was buying pound shop glasses I couldn't see with. When one year stretched into three years, enough was enough. We were living in poverty.

He now has a job. It's a temporary job but we're hoping it will become permanent.

Dh's dream was to freelance. It wasn't viable in the current market. I think in one of our many arguments over it I pointed out that I have dreams. I don't get to fulfil them at the expense of my family.

I would be demanding answers. Before it gets to the stage we were at.

If you know the financial situation of the business then presumably you know whether it is able to support you all or not?

You really need to have a discussion, together, about the amount of income you have, the amount you need and how, together, you are going to fill that gap.

Reading this with interest as have husband who has just given up job as he wants to do something different but he doesn't know what yet.

I now have to stay in a job I'm not that fussed about so we have at least one wage earner - no chance of dropping hours - as a poster above said - I'm not getting to pursue my dreams....

I think the comments are harsh about his and her savings.You're not exactly being precious about them, you're using them to support the whole household.

My partner is self-employed and it took 5 years for the business to make profit and we're hardly rolling in dosh now, i'm still the main breadwinner. However its always paid enough for him to have a small salary. I think having kids, quitting your job and starting a business all at the same time was a risky business and i don't know how you've managed the stress tbh.

We had a sit-down when we moved in together with all the outgoings required in hand and discussed exactly how much money he was paying himself. It all came to me to cover as much of his share of the bills as possible. You're a partnership, the most worrying thing about this post is that he doesn't seem to realise that?

You need a genuine crisis talk, where you lay it down that things need to change, now. In reality you could leave, get a part-time job around free nursery hours and claim tax credits as a single mother and be a million times better off. And your partner (apparently) would have no way of supporting himself or his business.

Either he's earning enough to pay himself and you're just not seeing any of it, or his business isn't working for you as a family and he needs to gain other employment whilst you go part-time.

I think you need to go through all your paperwork and write down the total that has been invested into the business, the total profit he has made and what you have spent from your savings just on day to day living/bills while he has been running his business.

You say your DH is better at taking information in when it's written down so maybe send it all to him in an email.

Write down your total monthly expenses (include everything bills,food,car tax,clothes,trips out for kids,etc) and compare this against his profit. Let him know what the shortfall is. Maybe if he sees all the information written down in front of him it might be a bit of a wake up call.

No matter what year or century we're in, women generally loose respect for a man they have to support.

I'm not a fan of women not working, but if my DH couldn't provide for his children, it would likely end in divorce if it was a prolonged and never ending situation.

Regarding the 3 Ps, it was a man who said it to me.

I personally believe both parties should contribute financially, as situations of dependancy give rise to contempt. As is becoming the case here.

No matter what year or century we're in, women generally loose respect for a man they have to support.

Please stop speaking for women as a whole. Your comment is pure bullshit.

I have no problem with a woman being the main breadwinner, I have a huge problem with one partner not contributing anything - not money, or covering the childcare for the other to work.

I'm a SAHM - DH's wage had to cover all the bills and any 'fun money' for both of us. What he doesn't have to do on top of that is pay out for childcare (which would be an additional £1.3k a month for us) just because I wanted to go do a hobby 8am-8pm every day and expected him to just deal with it.

OP - have you actually resigned or are you still at the end of your mat leave? If you haven't resigned (or think you could get your job back easily), you need to sit him down, explain the savings are nearly run out so you need to go back to work as he clearly isn't making £X per month (whatever your family monthly running costs are) to cover the bills. However, you can't cover childcare costs, so either he needs to start paying those if he wants to continue with his business or he has to give up and become a SAHD, or get a salaried job (that at least covers childcare if it's not paying enough to cover all the bills).

Dreams are all good and well, but assuming he wanted to have a family, he's got a commitment to support them one way or another. Don't wait for the savings to run out, make a plan this month. (Get your job back if you can! Someone has to be the grown up in your family unit)

Sandy - I think you are wrong in a way, I don't think woman automatically lose respect for me they have to support financially, but they do for those they have to 'carry' - being a non-earning parent who does the home stuff is fine for most woman.

But I have seen a few woman who have had to cover the childcare costs as well as all the bills for their DH's 'dreams', with the exception of a 'dream' being a 2 year FT course until her DH went into a new career, every other relationship where this has happened has ended in divorce.

Is this hospitality business a cafe by any chance?
Assuming that he can't afford to pay someone to run it for him while he either does paid work or looks after your kids so you can work, then I think it's time to have a realistic chat about the future of the business, with his bank manager and accountant. (I personally would want to close the business, but I realise it may not be easy to convince him of that).
It's a fine thing to follow your dream. It's a wise thing to then realise that the dream works better when you aren't awake, and go and do something with an actual income.

What InvisibleKitten said.

What you need in a relationship is mutual support and communication: both partners contributing something to the party. Whether this something is in terms of an actual income, of childcare/ground service, or even of training according to a clearly worked-out plan to be in a better position to contribute later might not matter so much, as long as it is thought out and agreed by both parties and as long as it actually works.

No matter what year or century we're in, women generally loose respect for a man they have to support.

No they don't!

What a depressing thought that a man can't be a SAHP or earn a lot less than their partner.

It's archaic stereotyping.