My husband doesn't financially support me or the kids.

[Fairytale89]

We have been together for 12 years and have two toddlers aged 1 and 3. My husband left his stable job of 10 years to set up how own business - it was his dream to do so, so I stood by him. He has had the business (in hospitality) for 3 years and this has had a knock on effect with him spending quality time with me and the kids and also financially.

To this date the children and I hardly see him. He leaves in the morning crack of dawn before we wake up and then returns around 8pm which is the time the kids are in bed. He has one day off but he spends 25% of the time recuperating from the week another 25% of the day preparing for his week ahead and which leaves very little quality time with his family. I get so upset that he's not around to sit with the kids for breakfast or dinner meals. As a couple we hardly do anything together no nights out for dinner or the movies. Partly because we do not have anyone nearby to could look after the kids. But even so in the evenings by the time he gets home and settles in he is knackered and falls asleep by 9-10pm.

He misses the majority of family events (not the childrens) but extended family birthdays, dinner parties, days out etc. I'm with the children all day so this can be exhausting for me (especially two toddlers). I'm very active with the kids- we do lots of trips out to the park, swimming and we go out to toddler groups and meet other mums. But I miss having my husband around to spend time with us. He is missing out on the children growing up.

The business is just surviving week by week but he keeps going. I admire his determination to make a success of it but it's been 3 years and financially we need money now to stay afloat. I left a very good job to be a stay at home mum (childcare for two is very costly). A decision we made together. I enjoy being at home with the kids. However when I was working and had my first child I was paying for everything. Now I'm off work I expect my husband to support his family. But that's not happening. For both my maternity leaves I have funded myself and the children paying for clothes, all the baby starter kit (e.g. Cot bed, pram, car seat, clothes), days out, holidays, birthday and Christmas gifts, meals out, cars, car insurance, home insurance the list goes on. I have been living off my savings that I worked hard over the years to accumulate now I hardly have anything left. I've been careful not to overspend and for Christmas 2016 I had to cut back on the kids gifts which I'm so upset about. My husband hardly contributes to financially support us. He gives me £10 here and there for petrol and groceries but that doesn't stretch far. I have communicated with him several times of how much money I need weekly to cover expenditures but he doesn't give me anything close to what's needed. Even maintenance of the car, MOT and servicing I have to fork out.

I used some of my savings to help kick start the business which was agreed that I would need the money back once the business was making money. But I'm not sure how and when it will be returned. I have asked him but he cannot give me an answer.

I keep thinking positively that things will get better. I have had discussions with him verbally and by email (thinking it but sink in better with him on paper) but nothing has changed. He understands that he needs to support us but nothing changes. He's made cutbacks in the business by reducing staff - he now works on his own which means longer hours but I still haven't seen any financial rewards for me and the family.

I love my husband dearly. I don't know what to do anymore.

How much longer can you live off your savings? You say you've got hardly anything left so you're going to reach a crisis point sooner rather than later. Is he aware that your money is now running out?

It's going to take time to make the financial changes you need - either him winding down the business or you finding work, so you really need to talk about this as a family and agree the best course of action before you lose everything.

Has he seriously no idea of the financial difficulty you're in?!

I think it must be hard to pack it all in - but there comes a point when you can't sustain it.

Does your DH have a proper business plan?

Marriage is about seeing each other through the rough times as well as the smooth.

Sounds like you are resentful for him working so hard and trying to build a good future for your family.

You need to come up with a plan together, look at where you can both save money, and you also need to look at whether you can contribute in some way - sounds like you are using cost of childcare as an excuse, there are other options.

You've made 2 decisions which, separately are fine (being a SAHM and setting up a business) but doing them together at the same time are completely bonkers.

Something's got to give. You need to decide what.

I think you sound a bit unreasonable and imperious with the "I expect" stuff and your loans to him. You agreed to the business start up. You planned the babies. You left your job. You're a team and need to make further decisions and plan solutions together.

^ this.

Also they aren't 'your savings' though are they. Surely they are joint savings.

It's simply not sustainable is it? Time for a reality check between you. Good luck

Hopefully when the free childcare sets in (isn't that at 3) getting a part time job and paying childcare for one child would be doable?

How long until the savings run out? What are your plans then? Is he paying the mortgage, elec, council tax etc?
I think you need to have a business meeting with him and his accountant. His business finances should be separate from his home finances, but both need a budget which is regularly reviewed.

I totally sympathise with you. The comments about your money and his money e.g. Aren't helpful. If you have to pay all the bills then you are in control of the money and he should be contributing equally. I have a similar situation however I would never let myself become financially dependent on dh. Yes we are a team but if I don't provide the money things don't get paid. You need to shake him up. Having a dream is all well and good but if that dream isn't working in the real life than you need to wake up. Unfortunately one of you will have to take on a proper paying job - and the other the care of the kids. This might however mean that you have to go back to work and he stays home with the kids. Would you consider that?
Just remember one thing, if you stay a sahm until youngest goes to school will you afford childcare then? Will you be able to find a job after so many years out?

Hi OP,

I don't think I can offer much advice but I can certainly sympathise with your situation. I'm here if you want to vent!

My DH quit his stable, well paying job over 4 years ago to start his IT business and it's been a nightmare ever since. I was reluctant for him to do it as I was concerned about how it would affect our time together and income. He coerced me into it by saying how it would be the best thing ever and I felt like I had no choice but to go along with it.

Fast forward to now and he works every hour under the sun, is no fun to be around and doesn't contribute much financially. I take care of 80% of domestic chores and provide all our financial stability and most of the income. I want to have DC but haven't felt able to while we're living like this. Reading your post, it sounds like that may have been a wise decision.

Like you said, I've tried to stay positive and be supportive but it's so so hard when you feel totally alone in the relationship and are constantly worried about finances. It's a horrible feeling to lose faith in your partner when you want them to be happy and succeed.

The only things I can suggest is getting an impartial business advisor to sit down with your husband and help him come up with a plan to improve the finances and work/life balance. I tried this with my DH and it seemed to help a little, perhaps your DH will be more willing to take suggestions on board.

Otherwise, you could explain how much this is affecting your marriage and try putting a timeline and some goals in place. You could agree that the business needs to be making X by a certain date and if it's not, he needs to jack it in and get a job.

Have you seen his business plan? Is he on track? When in the plan is he able to start paying you back for the loan/paying himself a salary?
Businesses take time to build but there should be a plan in place so you can see if you're on track.

A business isn't making money if there's none left after overheads, one of your overheads NEEDS to be a salary for yourself otherwise it's just an expensive hobby.

I totally sympathise with you. The comments about your money and his money e.g. Aren't helpful. If you have to pay all the bills then you are in control of the money and he should be contributing equally. I have a similar situation however I would never let myself become financially dependent on dh.

Well there you are. My money/his money is just fundamentally incompatible with "I expect him to support us all from his tiny income". You can have one or the other but not both.

is he a limited company or sole trader?

Is his business ever likely to make decent money? If it isn’t going to make money then he needs to fold the business and get another job. You really need to both sit down together and look at your finances and make a plan. He cannot bury his head in the sand any longer.

Wrt you getting a job. There must be cheaper child care than £2000 per month. What about a childminder or an au pair? or a nanny share?

Am I missing something? Isn't it OUR savings?

Who pays the mortgage and other household bills?

It doesn't really matter whether it's her savings or their savings. The point is, they've been living off savings and these are nearly exhausted.

With respect to the paperwork, Ms OP can certainly lend money to a business owned by Mr OP, or even 50:50 owned by them both. The business can repay this loan over time with interest.

" If you were you would be receiving dividends"

Only if (a) the business was profitable and (b) the directors of the business chose to declare a dividend. Dividends come after all other costs. It would be a better decision to use spare monies to repay the loan as this will not be taxable.

Op, does your DH pay himself anything at all? What level would he need to be paid (as a combination of salary and dividends) to make your family work?

It's time for a crisis meeting. He can't think low savings and the odd £10 is sustainable. Between you, childcare and income must be covered - it may be best for you to go back full time and him to keep the business up a couple of days a week, if childcare could be afforded for that, and step it up again when kids are in school. It may be best for him to get a job and shut the business. All options need discussing.

Yes, shouldn't you be getting free childcare for the 3yr old? I thought the government was extending that from 15 up to 30h this year. In that case the childcare bill won't be £2000/month.
If he has essentially no income and nor do you surely you are also entitled to some tax credits which would help with childcare.

Your family can't support a SAHP. It's no good saying you 'expect him to support you'. The fact is that this business isn't going to so that. There's no magic wand that's going to instantly fix that.

You need to sit down and have a talk about options

1. You give him x period of time to make it pay enough to support his family or he agrees to quit.
2. He quits and gets a job that can support his family.
3. He quits, becomes a SAHD and you get a job to support the family
4. Perhaps there are some compromises possible e.g. he can keep the business on a very small scale and operate during whatever free childcare hours you can get or limited amount of childcare you can pay for or perhaps you can afford for you to just go back PT

You can often access some free business advice from the local business community e.g. business link, local business networking organisations or via the bank.

He needs to understand why it's not making money. Surely you must both have had a plan at the outset and a timeline of where you expect to be. Of course no one expects to make money in the first year or two and yet you both made a big gamble to start and extend your family at the same time as starting a business.

Is the business improving or getting worse?
Is it worth anything if he sells it?

Basically, you are funding his business, with the loan and with permitting him not to take salary (by paying for the children and all your other costs, bar those occasional £10 for fuel). Pull the plug. Your credit line is dry, and you're calling in the debt. He can either get a bank loan or a buyout, but you are calling in all that the business owes you. If the business can't pay, it's insolvent and he'll need to get another source of income. Actually, he'll need to get A source of income. Bank of wife and savings is empty.

How is your mortgage/rent being paid?

This is really tough OP, I'm sorry you're facing this.

I don't get the sense from your post that you're clear on how much money (if any) he's earning. I'd be minded to sit him down and ask, "Right, so December 2016 - how much? November 2016 - how much?" and so on. I am self-employed and sometimes feel like I have no idea if it's been a good month or bad unless I proactively sit down and take stock.

Your childcare costs - what about free hours for the 3 yo? If not, £2000 seems an awful lot. Are there cheaper options?

More generally, if after three years DH is working like a dog, seeing none of his family and bringing in less than he'd earn stacking shelves at Tesco, then I'd say it's time for him to re-think self-employment.

If the business can't pay, it's insolvent and he'll need to get another source of income.

Or OP does.

If the family can't sustainable SAHP then they both need to work.

Interesting first post btw

I am a bit confused as to why you had a second child knowing full well that his business wasnt earning anywhere near enough and that you would have to give up your job. Where was the money supposed to come from to support you all if not from savings if he isnt bringing anything in?

And something that takes up a lot of time but brings no money in isnt a business, its a hobby.

Spare

Why is it "interesting"? Or is the first post on MN not supposed to be a real life problem, but about naming kittens or hilarious toddlers?

Many people find MN because they are actively looking for help at a specific point, not so strange that they should post something like this first time out. Or if you are troll hunting then report and move on.

I was recently told that as long as a husband does the following (3 Ps) a marriage has a great chance of survival :

Provide, be Present and Protect.

I can see where these are missing and in the case of the man who said this, his wife had an affair. He's reflected a lot since the divorce.