She doesn't know that I know what they did.

[Phantommanflinger]

Have name changed.
Think I just need to talk about this if you don't mind?

8 years ago I caught DP out FB messaging a work colleague (now former) inappropriately, mainly sex talk about what myself and DP got up to and what her and her husband got up to in bed what kind of sex they each were in to, how often etc. (Weird I know)
It very nearly ended us (along with a few other transgressions) and it took a lot of trust rebuilding before I agreed to try again.
This woman lives quite close to us and I see her daily walking passed our house on the school run. I found that difficult but eventually got over it.
Fast forward to today, I attended my usual weekly evening class and who has joined? FB woman. I kept saying to myself it's 8 years ago, it's over etc. To talk myself down from the horrible feeling rising in my stomach, but then she actually comes over to me and strikes up a convo about my DP! How they used to work together, what's he up to now? Blah blah and all I can think is 'I know what you we're up to with him then, how can you have the brass neck to come over here and talk to me!' I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and made small talk then went and sat elsewhere.
I don't know how to feel about this, I don't want to give up my class but I feel so uncomfortable there now.
I told DP what happened and he just kept apologising and saying he wishes he'd never laid eyes on her and what an idiot he was.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed somewhere to get it off my chest.

I wouldn't of been able to bite my tongue. What a two faced moo! Either make it known that you know about the messages or give one word answers if she tries to initiate a conversation again...

Who the hell discusses another's personal sex life? Two people were VERY out of order. You've somewhat made your peace with one of those people, but, you were/are in a relationship with him. She doesn't know you know, if she did, I don't think she'd of approached you and made idle chitchat...

If you make her aware, she'll back off...hopefully, find another class?

It's true that FB woman and her husband may be entirely cool about sharing the details of their sex life to all and sundry, she may not have overstepped the mark from within her own marriage.

You could just say to her that you are finding her presence awkward. She can read into that what she will. If she's even slightly ashamed she'll withdraw.

I don't think anyone's minimising it, some people are making helpful suggestions as to ways to help you move on. This is well meant op, because your life would b easier if this didn't hurt so much.if you are totally not in the right place for this, I'd say thank you to those ppl but this is where I'm at right now.maybe those suggestions will make sense later but right now they are just upsetting me more so please don't make them.

I can really understand why this has upset you. Not surprising that it has bought back all the negative feelings and hurt of that time.

I hope you can carry on with your class. Try to have a brief response ready for if she approaches you again. Something along the lines of not wanting to talk to her in view of the inappropriateness of her behaviour in the past. Whatever you feel able to say to her. Then blank her after that.

I hope it goes ok for you.

It's extraordinary that this woman approached OP and asked about her DP. If she felt any remorse or had a conscience about what she had done (which might justify forgiveness) she would have left OP alone and will stay away from the class.

Her lack of conscience is a sign of her being a sociopath, literally.

OP give yourself time to process. Something you've handled well but have since buried has resurfaced and it has the potential to reopen issues with your DP.

Based on your recent posts and how you're feeling, I'm wondering if your best bet is to do nothing and see if she turns up next week and then handle depending on how you feel.

If she doesn't turn up then praise be, she has a conscience. Unfortunately given how she approached you in the first place I suspect she will be there next week.

In the meantime, hope your DP is treating you sensitively and supporting you through this curve ball.

OMG, who the hell does she think she is?! How dare she have the brass faced CHEEK to come over and ask how your husband is after all that?!
I'd have to let her know you know. It'll eat you up otherwise.
Just a cold and measured "I know about the messages. Stay away from me." Something like that.

For the people who think the OP should 'fortgive' this woman, I honestly don't understand how you read threads asking for advice - do you really believe if you were in this position it would be that easy? OP obviously had a rotten time 6 years ago, the woman knew she was married ... yes her DP is a pillock and no doubt they have gone over and over it in the past, but this doesn't make it okay for the other woman to basically rub her nose in it. How would you people honestly feel if it were you in that position? That's how you should reply to a thread needing advice - put yourself there and realise how you would actually feel if the same thing were to happen to you

'forgive'

call me old and cynical but.... OP says she walk past house live close etc etc.... did she really join same class by fluke ? Hope she is not fishing for info - swinging couple maybe ? Oh ok.... I have a dirty mind

glitterazi totally ! all is needed is "stay away for me" and a killer stare

Lol at 'sociopath'. Really? So she sent some texts about her sex life, she probably doesn't even remember it. This is all so embarrassingly Old Testament.

By all means avoid her if it's awkward but can we step away from the pitchforks. If she breezily approached you then the texts haven't registered for whatever reason, and the daytime movie 'you go gurl' type responses suggested above will make you look bonkers.

I agree with MorrisZapp. She probably doesn't remember and op will look such a tool if she starts saying all the advised stuff 😬

Of course she remembers!

She was so breezy because she's confident the OP knows nothing.

I doubt it but who knows. I find the 'shame her' chat unbearable. OP lives happily with the prime culprit, yet the other party should live in 'shame'? It's all so deeply misogynistic and outdated.

Oh gawd Morris. Full of shit there lovely. Misogyny my foot.

Though sorry to engage with this pure shit the detractors op. Don't want to keep it going. Hopefully, when you've had a bit of a break you'll see that the MAJORITY of posters are right behind you. Try to ignore those with an axe to grind and exploring your situation to grind it. So tiresome - and cruel, frankly.

What do you think you could cope with saying /doing op? Perfectly understandable you were so taken aback when she approached you btw. Perfectly acceptable why you worked to forgive dp; perfectly understandable you have no intention of forgiving her.

*exploiting

Stoning? Witchburning?

Actually the New Testament (Go and sin no more) is a bit wishy-washy now I come to think of it.

If that Jesus posted on Mumsnet he'd be crucified. And quite right too.

Distorted view of sin there, Marianne.

How could someone not remember spilling details of their own sex life and hearing that of someone else's in presumably full detail - is this a normal carry on, really?

The OP is misogynistic because she dislikes dealing with this woman while having accepted that she had to come to terms with what her DP did?

MN is a constant source of wonder.

I do think an issue is that you forgave your husband trusting that it was only messages but you are still a bit uncertain if more happened. Seeing her again has made the doubts resurface putting you back to square one and the same way you felt 6 years ago. Are you worried you may find out more happened?

Sorry that you have to go through it all again. It must be very hard. I would try and carry on as normal as you have made your choice (ie believing and staying with husband). Be polite but not friendly if she dares to turn up again.

Ignoring the batshit hyperbole on the thread now, I'd just add that I wouldn't believe for one nanosecond that she doesn't know that the OP knows. It would have been the first thing her husband told his colleague! "Sorry Doris, got to call a halt to the dick pics, my wife has rumbled us"

To think he just cut Doris off and never engaged with her again would be disingenuous bordering on daft.

The op hasn't posted anything remotely sexist, and if she had then as an injured party she's entitled to her feelings.

My gripe is with the MN massive, whipping up medieval moral codes and imagining all sorts that may or may not have even happened.

It really is 'burn the witch' stuff, apologies if my history isn't everything it could be.

MorrisZapp chill out

I'm totally chilled thanks.