She doesn't know that I know what they did.

[Phantommanflinger]

Have name changed.
Think I just need to talk about this if you don't mind?

8 years ago I caught DP out FB messaging a work colleague (now former) inappropriately, mainly sex talk about what myself and DP got up to and what her and her husband got up to in bed what kind of sex they each were in to, how often etc. (Weird I know)
It very nearly ended us (along with a few other transgressions) and it took a lot of trust rebuilding before I agreed to try again.
This woman lives quite close to us and I see her daily walking passed our house on the school run. I found that difficult but eventually got over it.
Fast forward to today, I attended my usual weekly evening class and who has joined? FB woman. I kept saying to myself it's 8 years ago, it's over etc. To talk myself down from the horrible feeling rising in my stomach, but then she actually comes over to me and strikes up a convo about my DP! How they used to work together, what's he up to now? Blah blah and all I can think is 'I know what you we're up to with him then, how can you have the brass neck to come over here and talk to me!' I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and made small talk then went and sat elsewhere.
I don't know how to feel about this, I don't want to give up my class but I feel so uncomfortable there now.
I told DP what happened and he just kept apologising and saying he wishes he'd never laid eyes on her and what an idiot he was.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed somewhere to get it off my chest.

I think she will bug the hell out of you if you both to continue to attend. But there's no way you should give up your ground. Borrow some balls (not saying you don't have any!) and get rid of her. Any of the above suggestions about what to say will do the trick. She'll be too embarrassed to come back. Lifes to short to have to swallow this crap and keep swallowing it. You'll feel a million times better.

Hmm, I have slightly different feelings, in that if you can forgive your husband you can do the same to her. What they were doing was weird in the extreme, who the fuck does that, but it wasn't an affair they talked about their sex lives with their partners.

He was the one who spoke about your sex life, she spoke about hers. So as much as I get your discomfort, your issue is still with him.

Just be careful not to antagonise her into the kind of action that might rake it all up again. I'm with the cold starers. Maybe keep her guessing and passively make her uncomfortable.

If you have moved on with your husband-why not her also?

I know it must have been a shock to suddenly see her & her come over & talk to you, but you got through it.

"Don't leave your class, but do shame her into doing so."

Why?

it wasn't an affair they talked about their sex lives with their partners

I disagree that it wasn't a form of cheating. If you're getting something intimate from someone who isn't your partner without your partner's knowledge I'd throw that in the ring with cheating.

OP I'm sure she'll leave if she knows you know.

I think asking her to leave might have the wrong effect, but would certainly not expect to see her again after you tell her you know. And don't fb message! For one thing, it's very easy to completely miss fb msgs from ppl you aren't friends with, so she might never see it.

If you have moved on with your husband-why not her also?

I assume because there is something to be gained in life for the OP by re-finding the love and affection with her partner. Not so much with this woman.

wow, well you are a bigger person than me because I could not have stood there and smiled politely!
Don't you dare give up your evening class...why should you? I think you did the grown up and very mature thing at the time, but if she tries to speak with you again I think you need to at least allude to the fb contact, if not call her out on it directly.

For god's sake don't Facebook her!

It's very unfortunate, I'd be polite but non-committal unless I felt that she was trying to upset me. In that case I'd say, "I know who you are, now please go away," in a polite but cold manner, turning away to convey that she isn't worth talking to or getting upset over.

Don't give up your class, I hope that she gives up. Hold your head up high. It's all water under the bridge in the end, but hell, it's your water, your bridge but try not to dam it so that it poisons you. Let it flow away.

I'd have had to say something! "I know about the messages" should do the trick. She'd have a bit of a shock and either stay away or quit the group.

If she mentions it again, I would do the same as blu and laugh saying, "oh I remember you now, from your Facebook chats".

Then move on and not think about her again as otherwise it will affect your class and your relationship. It is in the past and needs to remain that way.

It seems to me that you have forgiven your husband - with some difficulty - but you continue to share your lives, and your bed. The anger is being directed towards the woman with whom he behaved improperly. While other people will encourage you to be angry and hostile towards her, I think that if you have resumed a 24 hour a day loving relationship with your partner, some minimal civility towards a woman who will sit in the same room as you for an hour or two a week would be possible.

Presumably you think that your husband is basically a nice man. It is equally possible that this woman is also in many ways a pleasant woman.

Don't give up your class and you don't want to drag up the past but next time she mentions your DP, I would be very tempted to say something like just thought you should be aware that I read those messages. And smile. You're not wanting to cause a scene but why should you be the comfortable one.
Maybe she will decide whether to continue with the weekly group.

But it was him telling this woman about his sex life with the op. It's totally weird to talk about sex to another person, but she's forgiven her husband there is no need to shame this woman and try to force her out the class.

I never get this MN attitude of forgive him crucify her. For me, he is the one who did her wrong.

Just be careful not to antagonise her into the kind of action that might rake it all up again. - THIS. Are you sure you know everything that your DP and her spoke about? ie there could have been further messages via phone, email, in person .... if you say something too OTT then she may well enlighten you about things/conversations you'd rather not know about just to show she still holds some of the cards. Then again, she may be worried you'll tell her partner. Still, all things considered I'd probably say 'Oh yes, I recall who you are now from the Facebook messages' then just walk away head held high and leave it at that.

there is no need to shame this woman and try to force her out the class.

But equally there is no need for the OP to play nice and act like nothing happened. A simple "Given what went on between you and my partner, I dont wish to discuss any aspect of my life with you" makes the situation clear.

She doesnt have to be rude, but spelling out that she knows what went on and doesnt wish to speak to this woman is perfectly fine imo, and if the OW leaves the class then so be it, thats on her and not the OP.

I also think that if you can stand seeing your husband every day, then you should be able to cope with seeing her at an evening class.
I can understand it was a shock and you weren't expecting to see her.
You have no right to try and make her leave the class though.
Obviously you won't want to be friends or even speak to her probably, but surely you can tolerate being in the same room?

I would be quite clear, if she approaches you again in a friendly manner, what your boundaries are. Interrupt and say 'my dh and I agreed a long time ago that we would keep our distance from you, so you will understand that I prefer if we don't speak.'

I'd leave out the meaningful glares and 'I know about the messages' hints.

By the way, I've been in that situation where an objective person might have said 'surely after x years, you can tolerate her in the same room', but that misreads and underestimates the impact on the OP.

If OP does or says nothing cheeky woman is likely to assume that OP is ignorant and can be all bright and breezy around OP which is going to impact on OP's enjoyment of the class. She signed up first and shouldn't have to miss out because she's apprehensive about cheeky woman talking to her and being reminded of a wound that had healed but is in danger now of it being reopened.

I don't think forgiveness is relevant here but with the best will in the world even if you're able to forgive someone doesn't mean you should be forced to spend time with them, particularly if the person has been a threat to your relationship. It's a different commitment with a spouse/partner.

OP whether you say something directly or message her do whichever you feel comfortable doing. Personally I don't have an issue with messaging, you will know when someone has read your message or not through notifications and I'm also comfortable speaking to someone directly about something like this. But not everyone is and you may prefer one approach or the other.

You can also choose to wait at least one more week and then see how you're feeling at the next class.

Don't feel rushed into something, do what feels natural for you but don't give up the class at least not yet.

If you ultimately feel for the greater good to let sleeping dogs lie and find another class, that has its merit too but give yourself a bit of time to process and work out what you want to do. Your emotions are still raw and you may feel differently in a few days time.

Sounds like she is the kind of woman that needs validation from men. Married or not. Maybe she didn't know you were married many men claim they are single or 'separated' when they have their head turned. As someone else said. You definitely don't owe her any friendship or kindness.

When she approaches you again, which she will because she thinks you're oblivious, you need to say that you know and you can't understand how she can expect you to be friendly and walk away - hopefully she'll have enough about her to realise she needs to keep away from the class and you

Anyone else raising an eyebrow at his contrition at them meeting?

I bet he hasn't slept a wink wondering what his FB "friend" has said.

You're a better woman than me, OP, at least on the forgiving husband front.

(though thinking about it, I'd be having a ferret through his account today and his mobile phone...)

Bluntness- do you not know it's MNlore that these poor wee men are trapped into talking about/sending photos of/using their dicks with other women? It's never their fault.

If someone who meant nothing to me (to the point I'd been telling her husband (at the very least) about my sexlife on FB) then if she told me to leave my gym class, I'd probably report her for harrassment, so please, OP, say nothing. Focus on your relationship. It's horrible that this has come back to bite you, but this woman is nothing to you. Nothing.

To those saying she's forgiven her husband and moved on, so why not this woman, it's not quite the same. She had to decide whether she could forgive her husband and move on or not, he was part of her life. She didn't have to make that decision with the woman because she didn't know her. Now this woman has, years later, appeared in her life and is a ting like an old friend of her husband and expecting to chat with her as though nothing happened. She doesn't want to, this woman is not part of her life, she doesn't want to bring her into it..

I'm not sure what I'd say. I'd probably try and stay away from her and if she asked what my husband I'd say "well he's not discussing his sex life with some weirdo anymore and the marriage is back on track". And just stare at her. If she continued chatting I'd say "look I don't want to hang around with you or make small talk in this class, thanks". Be blunt, push her away, but don't leave because of her.