She doesn't know that I know what they did.

[Phantommanflinger]

Have name changed.
Think I just need to talk about this if you don't mind?

8 years ago I caught DP out FB messaging a work colleague (now former) inappropriately, mainly sex talk about what myself and DP got up to and what her and her husband got up to in bed what kind of sex they each were in to, how often etc. (Weird I know)
It very nearly ended us (along with a few other transgressions) and it took a lot of trust rebuilding before I agreed to try again.
This woman lives quite close to us and I see her daily walking passed our house on the school run. I found that difficult but eventually got over it.
Fast forward to today, I attended my usual weekly evening class and who has joined? FB woman. I kept saying to myself it's 8 years ago, it's over etc. To talk myself down from the horrible feeling rising in my stomach, but then she actually comes over to me and strikes up a convo about my DP! How they used to work together, what's he up to now? Blah blah and all I can think is 'I know what you we're up to with him then, how can you have the brass neck to come over here and talk to me!' I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and made small talk then went and sat elsewhere.
I don't know how to feel about this, I don't want to give up my class but I feel so uncomfortable there now.
I told DP what happened and he just kept apologising and saying he wishes he'd never laid eyes on her and what an idiot he was.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed somewhere to get it off my chest.

The woman acted inappropriately at best, even though it was your husband who caused you pain. However, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to be in the same room as her on a regular basis. Her moral compass wasn't pointing due north when your DH and her were messaging, that's for sure.

I think I'd have to say something along the lines @blu suggested and add 'perhaps it's best you attend a class held at a different time'. If I were you, my goal would be never to have to see her and to continue my life uninterrupted. You have the moral high ground here and I don't think you have to endure her encroaching on your life.

I wouldnt confide this to any of your frineds or anyone else in class...they will spread this "old" news everywhere, even if they say they wont, and soon averyone will know.
However if she attempts to befriend you, just tell her you know, and dont wish to know her and leave it at that...I wouldnt say it too loud, or everyone will ask questions, and need an explanation, her knowing that you know, will be terrible for her alone, I'm sure..You are moving on from this, dont allow this to ruin your "new" life....If you feel it is, change classes, to allow yourself an easier time....just think of you and your family, its the most important thing...dont allow others to invest in this now...

What Frozen said :-)

Maybe you should introduce her properly to the group next week?

"This is MsFacebookWoman...she likes to insert hobby here, she lives locally, her children go to the school and in her spare time she likes to send inappropriate sexual messages to her workmates via messenger"

"send and receive from husbands who clearly don't give a fuck about their wives' feelings"

And even joking about bringing the children into it is abhorrent.

But equally there is no need for the OP to play nice and act like nothing happened.

I would be inclined to take the moral high ground on the outside

Next time you go to class and she's there smile at her if she makes eye contact but hold that look for slightly longer than normal. Trust me she will figure that you know. You possibly won't see her at group again but if you do just keep your distance.

Show your confident and settled.

I see other posters asking if you e moved on with dh why not with her however she doesn't know that you know so there's already that underhand untrustworthy side before you've even set eyes on each other.
She's probably thinking oh bugger and may not even turn up again

I knew some people would be along to minimise their actions and my feelings and take her side.
It's how I feel about it, and I think that's understandable given the circumstances.
I have no obligation to forgive this woman, she's a stranger to me. I have children with my partner and felt I owed it to our family to try and forgive him and move on, I owe her nothing.
Having this woman living so close by has been hard and now joining my class has brought to the surface old feelings about what happened, I just wanted to work through those feelings by talking here.
I'm so pleased for some of you who feel they could forgive her, could happily sit in a room with her and not feel that she was cheeky coming to talk to you like she'd got nothing to hide/done nothing wrong, very big of you.
I just don't see why, when they showed no regard for mine and her husband's feelings I should now have regard for hers? Why is it so simply black and white that because I've forgiven him I should automatically forgive her? It's not that simple at all.
I doubt I will ever truly know exactly what went on between them, he insists they exchanged sexual messages and it went no further than that but who knows? Not much I can do about it if it did go further.
I'm starting to wish I'd not started this thread to be honest, just wanted to talk and hopefully get a bit of support, big thanks to all of you who have been understanding you've helped a lot.
Take care all, hiding thread for now.

Bluntness- quite.

Was thinking either this was immature, young (if only in the head) laddish/ladette colleagues talking smutty, in which case, frankly, so what? Not my bag, but is it different because one was a woman and one a man, rather than 2 women talking about sex at work/on FB?

It's only different in all honesty if the sex talk was not just about their respective partners or if it went any further between the 2 people.

I don't think it's us minimising their actions love.

"Most men" would not exchange messages or discuss their sex with their partners with OW!

He revealed intimate details to her about me! it's fucking embarrassing and hurtful and yes it is different than him talking to another man about it, they were doing it for sexual thrills not just locker room banter about their partners. Ffs, stop minimising it.

Ive been in your situation OP, and I still haven't really worked through it. Consequently, me and DH are on the rocks and I don't know how to fix it.

If that woman turned up to something I did, I would have to say something. Along the lines of what a PP said: "I saw the messages between you and my husband and if you feel uncomfortable seeing me every week at the club then it would be a good idea finding a different club to go to" and I've told everyone there about your dirty little secret cuntface

Wish I could actually say that last bit

Besides it doesn't matter how you would feel about it, it matters how I feel about it because it happened to me!

I repeat, I am not minimising it.

Anything but.

you have chosen to forgive him. Unfortunately, and with all due sympathy, you don't get to chuck her out of aerobics without looking like JK fodder.

Out of interest, how did he react when you told him you'd read his messages?

I'm not looking at this anymore until later, I'm getting upset now. If you can't be supportive then just get off the the thread please.

There's no need for you to "forgive" the woman OP. Equally there's no need to declare war. In your shoes one thing I'd struggle with would be playing nicey-nicey with her. If she couldn't keep her distance I'd say:

"I know about the sex related messages you were exchanging with my DH. It means I'm uncomfortable speaking with you and I'd both of us to keep our distance."

OP. You feel how you feel about it. End of. Frankly, if it were me, I couldn't tolerate her either. I would just tell her outright though.

It's brought it all up again for you, that's shit.

X

and I'd like both of us

Op, I'm not minimising it either, and your reaction is very strong indeed there is no doubt what he did was weird and wrong and you're clearly not over it, it's cut very deeply if you're this upset after six years.

Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

I'm not minimising it either.

You poor thing. I think you have options:

1. carry on as normal, say nothing. See how you get on and the-assess after a few weeks. You could have got used to it or more mad.
2. next time she talks to you say you'd prefer not to chat due to what happened in the past
3. number two but ask her to leave the class
4. leave the class - but would be a bit like she had 'won'

Things that go wrong in a marriage do hurt.

But perhaps the problem is that the OP didn't really forgive her partner. It as more a feeling that 'for the sake of the family' she should acts as if she had done.

So now that the woman concerned has reappeared, all the negative emotions which the OP felt she had to suppress have surfaced - and are being directed to the woman.

Because this is much safer than confronting the continuing anger and pain she feels towards her partner.

"To those saying she's forgiven her husband and moved on, so why not this woman, it's not quite the same."

No, I appreciate that-what her husband did was much worse-he voluntarily gave out personal/intimate information about Op.

I just mean to the point of being able to still attend the class that she wants to do.

Chances are she won't give a damn if she found out that you know-afterall, she sends messages about her own(& her husband's) sex life without any qualms.