Am I mean and 'righteous '?

[reggaesongbird]

Long story, will try to paraphrase...
I'm a single mum with small kids and not insignificant health problems.
I've been seeing a lovely guy (childless) since the summer, we get on well he's into the same things as me, we have mutual friends , he's thoughtful and lovingetc
For various reasons neither of us drive.
Since his divorce he lodges very very cheaply on the other side of our small town. where he lives he's unable to have guests which makes it very awkward for me, all our time together is spent at mine so I feel under a lot of pressure to entertain him and it feels quite limiting in terms of what we can do. In case anyone asks, I know he's not living with another woman, I've been there and seen the set up, it would be very awkward to conduct a relationship there but it would be nice to have it as an alternative place to spend time together.
He has a professional well paid job. I work part time.
Although we get on well and connect in many positive ways I find it very hard to argue with him. If I express disappointment or dissatisfaction with anything he becomes uber defensive and always says I'm being unfair or mean. When he recounts any other fallouts with other people he often uses the same language, e.g. Unfair etc.
Tonight's ridiculous argument was because he was coming this evening, I asked him to come when the kids are in bed, we haven't seen each other all weekend as have both been ill and I wanted time with my children...anyway I said come about half 7/8 he replied he'd only be able to come for an hour due to Sunday buses (they're pretty regular up until about half ten) he also cycles. This has been a regular theme of our relationship, he's often moaned about the time it takes to get to and from mine in the evenings.
Anyway... I replied it's hardly worth it for an hour, he then said he'd stay longer if I pay for a taxi, this was all in messages as the kids were still up. I told him I would not pay and that we should leave it if it's too much hassle, I then got the hump and asked if his friend had paid for his taxi when bf went to his friend's last night, he then replied no but his friend lives nearer and handy specified a time...this then degenerated into a text argument where I told him as a 40 year old man living cheaply he should be able to either undo a taxi or make alternative arrangements and then I moaned about him not having anywhere for u to go and suggested he get a girlfriend who lives nearer (it takes me 20 minutes to cycle to his house which I did once on the only occasion I was allowed there) he said with buses it's a two hour journey and we both have work in the morning etc.
He then said I'm being righteous and cruel and I obviously think he's a cunt and refused to continue the conversation with me.
I thought I was in love with him but these types of things keep coming up. Every time we have an argument he then goes cold and sulks and the last time just after New Years told me that he was ending the relationship as he can't cope with the arguments and insecurity. We argued after new year because I felt he'd been moody with me because I had to cut our time short and he felt sidelined by my children. Hes met my kids, earlier than intended because they got up in the night when he was here and he was in the lounge so I have let him spend time with us as a family just because it seemed like the right thing to do but I'm very mindful of trying to give a lot of my attention to them and I feel a bit worn out by it.
I've felt he's been short with me all weekend because I wanted to spend it with the kids, he of course will deny it but I feel him saying he could only stay an hour is him punishing me for not having him here this weekend. I struggle a lot with health issues and he has kept offering to come and help. I put him off because of the kids but also because in our last row he complained about 'running around after me' when I was ill, despite the fact I nursed him over Christmas and on my birthday. When he 'runs around ' after me he's so loving and solicitous and I thought we had a real chance of a future. I've asked him if we can work on our communication skills and how we cinduction arguments. I agree texting isn't always healthy but I struggle with his defensive argument and often I'm texting because the kids are in the house and I don't want them to hear me arguing.
Sorry this turned out longer than I planned...
am I mean and wrong and righteous?

So, send a short business like text ending it. Copy one of mine. Just end it now. Rip the plaster off rather than putting yourself through this agony

Just make it clear that it doesn't matter who said what, where or when or who is right or who is wrong or looking through texts to recount conversation the relationship is still over. Don't buy into the arguments

Follow his (clearly in a similar boat to you) ex's lead- bag his possessions up. Get them dropped at his house (by taxi if you like ) and block his phone number. Then move on with what I am sure will be a fantastically happy life without a (to be honest, pathetic loser) to drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself. You wI'll probably end up meeting someone amazing when you least expect it.

I agree with the last few posters, especially BitOutOfPractice. It's time for you to stop jumping around to his dysfunctional tune and pretending that it's a worthwhile dance if you just look at it "his" way/jettison your way.

Sod the sympathy, empathy or even curiosity about his family, his ex, his lifestyle. The man is an abusive loser testing his abilities to screw you over. He deserves nothing from you. You owe him nothing and you absolutely cannot enlighten or heal him. As you said above. Stop giving him your precious, sparkling energy. You need it for you and your darling children who have the most wonderful mother they could ever dream from the cosmos.

I often wonder why said cosmos sends repeat patterns, often in disguise, so it's the same thing but in slightly different tones and clothing. I can only think it's by way of a reminder. Maybe a test to see if you really "got it" yet. Or maybe a nudge that there's a way to go - though you're definitely on the awakened side to all that.

When you stop questioning/doubting yourself perhaps you'll be able to see this shit a mile off and prevent it ever happening. I was a magnet for idiots and psychos who wanted salvation at my expense, literally and metaphorically.

This life is YOUR journey and only those who enhance it should be allowed within coffee distance! It is worth protecting to the nth degree because, sadly, there are many trying for a quick piggy-back no matter what's entailed in getting someone else to carry them through life. They are avoiding their lessons. Many of them become outright dangers to those they lay claims on. And the journey becomes perilous and destructive. Sometimes to the nth degree. Don't be one of those lost to such vampire/pity-me/abusive types.

I don't think he should retain your keys. Change the locks if you can. To the garage also; I mean, that's your space too. Don't wait for his convenience. If you know where he lives you could maybe dump his stuff outside there - but the key situation would need to have been sorted for this to work. He still thinks he's in with a chance of owning you. I hope you will disillusion him. Regard it as the only lesson you can ever offer but you'll never know the outcome, nor should you need to; because that is HIS journey.

And yes, just send a brief text ending it. No more than that. Then breathe and recover. We'll still be here for the after care!

Haha love the idea of paying for a taxi to drop his stuff round

There's a certain karmic eloquence to paying for a taxi to take his stuff round! I like that idea a lot ... but sort the key situation out!

Thank you everyone for galvanising me and helping me to see the truth. I love the idea of a taxi, most hilaire but I couldn't guaruntee him being home to receive said bags.
tipsy I can't believe how the cosmos/universe/ whoever keeps sending me the same person again and again in different guises. I know the lessons I need to learn, I guess I just need to learn them faster each time? I can't keep going through this crap with crappy people!
How did you change your patterns tipsy?

Oliversmumsarmy totally agree. Wtf am I doing?!!!

ovenchips thank you for understanding and describing exactly how it feels. Just gutting, embarrassing, shameful, time wasted, feel I let my kids down by letting him in etc etc

MrsArthurShappey thank you, I need to look after me, he's drained me good n proper!

Low level platitudes are your friend. Very low contact. 'It just didn't work out. No one's fault ()' etc etc. I need your keys for the plumber next Monday so just stick them in the post thanks.

MrsArthurShappey has it right - change the locks, dump his stuff round at his, regardless of whether he's in or not - text him to inform him of the time it will be arriving, then delete his number and block him on facebook. You HAVE dodged a bullet. You and your children deserve better than this. Leave him to his rented room and collectible toys, let someone else rescue him if they so desire. I've a feeling he'll be on his own for a long time yet.

Oh blimey he sounds awful and you sound so lovely! No point going over and over stuff. Just bin him. He's a high maintenance nightmare!

Fuck me. When DH and I we're 6 months into our relationship we would drive 200mile round trips to visit each other. If he can't be arsed to make an effort to get from one side of town to the other now, what would he be like in 6/10/20 years time?

Doesn't sound like a potential LTR to me. If you are attracting a new guy every 8 months or so then you have no reason to make do with this twat.

I think there is no moral reason not to do what Emmageddon has suggested above, but you will attract less grief for yourself if you adopt a low-conflict approach. He has probably been dumped quite a few times and will be feeling very vulnerable and therefore wounded and hostile. Unless there's real urgency about his belongings, give it a week and ask a friend to drop his stuff. If you can afford to, changing the locks is a good call. Again 'don't worry about getting the keys back to me because the locks have been changed due to me losing my own keys'. Low contact. If he sends reams of emotional bollocks, 'yes it's a shame' then no more replies. You can do this. This is a life lesson for you.

I also guessed psychotherapist. A few of the ones I've met have been inadequate and nasty but eloquent. It's their job after all to know which emotional buttons to press!

I also agree with kitty. Low-level unemotional platitudes. You won't win if you engage in anything deep.

reggaesongbird (totally love your nic!) It took me a lifetime to realise that when I said, in the midst of my awful family as a youngster with an old soul-mind, that I wanted to live alone - untouched by other folks' shit - was the right thing for me. In a way I didn't break the pattern so much as throw it away with a disgusted wtf - enough already.

This isn't how it goes for everyone but my life was disastrous when I tried to fit in with "the expected norm". When I gave myself away to controllers who wanted to backpack in my spine. I truly was a magnet for types such as your soon to be ex bf.

Now I have distance from it all (I stopped looking) I can spot the bs everywhere. I truly am happy on my own. I'm sure there are good men out there but I've used up too much time, patience and inclination to engage any further in the "quest" to couple up. Not a giving up, more an abstention from giving up myself for someone else's self. I love the planet, I love life, I love ... just that.

My freedom, self-determination and self are worth more than anyone could offer me by way of a bargaining to chip away at any of that. If anyone showed up now they'd have to do so under the white light of Friendship and even then they'd be independent of me and scrutinised at every word in action! Not a path for everyone; but I'm finally complete as I am - with the entire cosmos to talk to. I don't "need" to be in a couple any more.

I hope that doesn't sound in any way pedantic or dogmatic. I went on a quest to rediscover my soul, I guess. I'm just me getting on with my life in peace after one a hell of a ride to find bliss in someone else, when it was inside me all along.

Someone earlier said that someone might turn up when you're least expecting it. I think when you close ranks and stop looking beyond is probably a new marker for new types of people. But you have to have your inner protection set on high at all times. No keys to house or soul until proof of Friendship has been offered and accepted. No premature assumptions that might jeopardise YOUR world. That's meant to sound wise rather than overly defensive

kitty yes he does seem to have been dumped a few times from what he's said. Sad really if each time it's for the same/similar reasons of blind/deaf stubbornness.
He's not a psychotherapist but is in a position of supporting vulnerable people. He seems so giving and good at his job, so much empathy, perhaps he can only have empathy for people he doesn't consider his equal.
Perhaps I shouldn't even waste another minute trying to analyse this disaster.
I don't want to keep having one sided arguments, it's pointless . I'm exhausted by it, still very sad. He won't see my point in any of it and he's refused to do far in any of our arguments, he obviously doesn't think I'm worth fighting for or even attempting to change, much easier to retreat and blame yet another cold and selfish woman.

much easier to retreat and blame yet another cold and selfish woman

And @reggaesongbird, that is exactly what he is going to do, time after time, woman after woman, for the rest of his life, and he'll be a lonely old fella in a care home that all the nurses feel sorry for because he's so sweet

Wow tipsy you sound so much like me, I keep getting on that road to self discovery then another relationship sets me off course again.
I find all intimate relationships heavy and draining, presumably because I perpetually choose the wrong people.
I thrive on my own and have a fantastic relationship with outside, I'm lighter , more fun for my kids etc, winter doesn't suit me either but I think I have said after the last two relationships that I'm going to dedicate myself to my kids and to me.
The trouble is I do get lonely, pretty much all my friends are in couples and the few single friends I have all have very destructive ways of living eg heavy drinking or drugs and that doesn't suit me either, I rarely have anyone to go out with, I spent a lot of last year going to theatre, cinema concertos etc on my own . I love dancing but can't bring myself to go to gigs alone so miss out on loads of live music events. It's heart breaking being alone, especially on the days my kids are with their dad, I have tried to fill my time with solitary pursuits, due to exh's shift rota I cannot join any regular club as can't commit to the same night each week.
I need to overcome that feeling of loneliness and not being good enough for me.

I don't think it's that he thinks you're not worth it, as such. He's just in denial about how fucked up he is. Possibly alcohol addiction at the heart of his denial. He just wants other people to stop being difficult and bow to his needs. It's not about you. It's all about him. I think you are spot on with your comment about equals.

Oddly enough, and just as a btw - one of the most regular accusations against me has always been (from the age of just about dot) was that I was so damned self-reliant. Kind of karmic that I've been sent a zillion attackers to my core strength ... consider your own core strength and work with - not against - it, dear reggaesongbird

reggae, I have just read the entire thread.

You are an intelligent, kind, sensitive woman, a great mum also (your love for your kids shines through) who deserves so much more than the precious, entitled, self absorbed snowflake of a man child that you've had the misfortune to share time with.

Please bin him. Don't waste another moment, trying to 'get' him or 'understand' him, he just isn't worth the effort.

I think your health will improve with every day away from snowflake. Focus on you and your kids. Chalk it up to yet another lesson learnt. And no self blame.

Just one thing I really want you to promise: Set the bar higher next time. Your posts reflect a lovely lady who deserves much more.

So it's "taxi for Mr Snowflake" and a great future for Reggie xx

I hear you reggaesongbird - sometimes I might admit to loneliness but the cost of alleged intimacy (or what's been thrown to me by way of its delusionary scraps) far outweighs the rest of the time.

I show my love for life in other ways. I've written some reasonably good poetry. I devote my life to cats (don't even think about saying a word on that lol). Emotions and life purpose can be at odds. That's "the challenge" - one of many.

Trust your intuition and instincts is what I say. You have good core strengths there. Just cut down your time on giving lea-way and don't give anyone any more keys! Symbolically that is a very powerful act. You are a delight of a soul and don't ever think otherwise.