Am I mean and 'righteous '?

[reggaesongbird]

Long story, will try to paraphrase...
I'm a single mum with small kids and not insignificant health problems.
I've been seeing a lovely guy (childless) since the summer, we get on well he's into the same things as me, we have mutual friends , he's thoughtful and lovingetc
For various reasons neither of us drive.
Since his divorce he lodges very very cheaply on the other side of our small town. where he lives he's unable to have guests which makes it very awkward for me, all our time together is spent at mine so I feel under a lot of pressure to entertain him and it feels quite limiting in terms of what we can do. In case anyone asks, I know he's not living with another woman, I've been there and seen the set up, it would be very awkward to conduct a relationship there but it would be nice to have it as an alternative place to spend time together.
He has a professional well paid job. I work part time.
Although we get on well and connect in many positive ways I find it very hard to argue with him. If I express disappointment or dissatisfaction with anything he becomes uber defensive and always says I'm being unfair or mean. When he recounts any other fallouts with other people he often uses the same language, e.g. Unfair etc.
Tonight's ridiculous argument was because he was coming this evening, I asked him to come when the kids are in bed, we haven't seen each other all weekend as have both been ill and I wanted time with my children...anyway I said come about half 7/8 he replied he'd only be able to come for an hour due to Sunday buses (they're pretty regular up until about half ten) he also cycles. This has been a regular theme of our relationship, he's often moaned about the time it takes to get to and from mine in the evenings.
Anyway... I replied it's hardly worth it for an hour, he then said he'd stay longer if I pay for a taxi, this was all in messages as the kids were still up. I told him I would not pay and that we should leave it if it's too much hassle, I then got the hump and asked if his friend had paid for his taxi when bf went to his friend's last night, he then replied no but his friend lives nearer and handy specified a time...this then degenerated into a text argument where I told him as a 40 year old man living cheaply he should be able to either undo a taxi or make alternative arrangements and then I moaned about him not having anywhere for u to go and suggested he get a girlfriend who lives nearer (it takes me 20 minutes to cycle to his house which I did once on the only occasion I was allowed there) he said with buses it's a two hour journey and we both have work in the morning etc.
He then said I'm being righteous and cruel and I obviously think he's a cunt and refused to continue the conversation with me.
I thought I was in love with him but these types of things keep coming up. Every time we have an argument he then goes cold and sulks and the last time just after New Years told me that he was ending the relationship as he can't cope with the arguments and insecurity. We argued after new year because I felt he'd been moody with me because I had to cut our time short and he felt sidelined by my children. Hes met my kids, earlier than intended because they got up in the night when he was here and he was in the lounge so I have let him spend time with us as a family just because it seemed like the right thing to do but I'm very mindful of trying to give a lot of my attention to them and I feel a bit worn out by it.
I've felt he's been short with me all weekend because I wanted to spend it with the kids, he of course will deny it but I feel him saying he could only stay an hour is him punishing me for not having him here this weekend. I struggle a lot with health issues and he has kept offering to come and help. I put him off because of the kids but also because in our last row he complained about 'running around after me' when I was ill, despite the fact I nursed him over Christmas and on my birthday. When he 'runs around ' after me he's so loving and solicitous and I thought we had a real chance of a future. I've asked him if we can work on our communication skills and how we cinduction arguments. I agree texting isn't always healthy but I struggle with his defensive argument and often I'm texting because the kids are in the house and I don't want them to hear me arguing.
Sorry this turned out longer than I planned...
am I mean and wrong and righteous?

I too agree that this is too much hard work.

Myself and my boyfriend aren't perfect people but we've only known each other 6 months and there isn't anything to fall out about IMO. The time we spend together can be similar and brief and complicated but we just say to each other outright 'just say if X or y doesn't work for you' and a few times we've said no to each other,with a reason - even I'm too tired and just taken it on the chin and made alternative plans.

I think this is a sign of early incompatibility, he does sound a difficult man but the worst sign is that he has already mentioned feeling left out to your kids. This won't get better the more time he spends with them. I think you need someone who understands your dynamics.

kittybiscuits I'm intrigued, what do you think his job is?!
roguestar1 you're right, I guess my indignation was well founded. So wish I'd posted here before, I thought I had good boundaries by telling him every time he pissed me off but as I said he rarely ever apologies and if he does it's so cleverly worded as to absolve himself from any responsibility. And after a few days of him sulking / ignoring me we gloss over it. He often retaliates later on with barbed 'jokes' which I've asked him not to do.

I've read and re-read your post and two things stand out.

Firstly, he asked you for the taxi fare which just seems bizarre but I'm wondering if this is a way of him testing whether seeing him is important to you.

Secondly, throughout your post it is clear you want things to be different (commenting on his living environment, for example and asking him why he can't live somewhere better). You are communicating that to him which probably makes him feel inadequate (it would me). You are also being specific about when he can see you (I understand this is because of your DCs) but, to him, he probably just does not feel as though he is particularly important in your life.

You just don't come across as particularly well-suited because you have different priorities and living circumstances. Even meeting up is an issue. He has reasons for living as he does (cheap rents are hard to find) and you have reasons for living as you do. That's absolutely fine but it doesn't mean you should be together.

I wonder if he thinks your not good enough for him because of your illness and the restrictions it places on your life. When I did online dating I'd see men who wanted fit women who could join them on their "outdoor lifestyle". It was a shame because for me, the spirit was willing, but the flesh was too weak :(.

He can't end the relationship because he's too comfortable, or its easy, or whatever. But he is pushing you to end it - by behaving bady to you. It may be that he thinks its going nowhere and your not up to his physical or health standards (or whatever). Unfortunately I experienced that on On Line Dating. I did end up thinking men were really rather shallow and were only interested in "fit" and a brain and a heart counted for practically zero.

Ignoring your birthday was another really crappy thing to do. He drinks too much. He sounds a charmer.

Since you know mutual people I suppose you don't want any drama.
I'd just "ghost" him, the fool. Or blithely and lightly say you want different things and you're moving on .

I'm guessing counsellor/therapist. I agree with the earlier comment - the point of letting him know when he has upset you is about acknowledgment and resolution.

I thought I had good boundaries by telling him every time he pissed me off...He often retaliates later on with barbed 'jokes' which I've asked him not to do.

Sounds like both of you spend a lot of time getting at each other rather than getting on!

bumdnc the sidelined comment was last week. I was shocked and upset, he justified it by saying it was just a feeling and he thought I wanted him to open up more...
I'm so sorry for being misled by the good things. I thought I was asking too much of him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I can't keep dating duds and I can't be bothered to keep spending time getting to know someone new.
I have not dated many men since my divorce, we split 4 years ago. I enjoy being single but after about an average of 8 months I meet someone again. I don't go online, just people in daily life.
I keep meeting people who aren't good enough for me, the trouble is each one is 'better' than the last and I just focus on there being more positives than the last one!

It's also normal to expect someone to make an effort for your birthday, even if they can't do it on the day, it's not diva behaviour but the fact he makes you feel like this so much - it's all bad. Don't you find it wearing?

What you need to do is to dump his ass.

He sounds like an attention seeking drama llama with manipulative tendencies. What illness did he have in your birthday exactly? Did he see a doctor? Or did he start getting better once you had cycled over to give him all the attention?

My guess is something client facing for his job

It's a good sign if the partners are getting progressively less bad though, you must be getting better at picking them

I think it's ok to have a certain set of expectations.

Top of my list even for friends is understand I have children 6 nights a week. I work full time. They will never come first. Written down that sounds awful but a good person wouldn't dream of even wanting to come first they would just be happy to bring something lovely to your life, and vice Versa. I think he's in way over his head with the kids and feels left out - fair enough. But you can't and shouldn't change anything - you can't. You can't change the fact you have kids and you can't change your health.
I think time usually does tell if you are compatible, and it's showing now you aren't. You will date again - clearly you are meeting people - in real life every 8 months actually sounds pretty decent! I was OLD for years on and off and never met anyone in RL! You just need to take your time and meet someone (with kids of their own IMO) who 'gets' you and your circumstances.
I can see why his set up isn't ideal either but those are his choices too. Him changing anything probably won't help either. This is just who you both are and your lives and siunds like they don't match.

Also he sounds like a massive arse

Yes it is wearing.
It's wearing for both of us. He says that the arguments make him physically and emotionally ill. They have definitely increased since the Christmas period. This is third since Christmas Eve whereas before they were mainly monthly or less. I thought they were productive and helping us move forward now I'm not so sure.

mudcity He does test me I know that, he definitely doesn't feel he's important enough to me, I show him every way I can and I believe I make a lot of sacrifices for him, particularly including him in my precious little family.
We do get on most of the time we laugh so much and are very affectionate. I do believe his drinking has got worse and I feel that has increased our arguments although he denies it and even denies the physical evidence e.g. Bottles cans etc. He does say I (and others ) make him feel inadequate, he often rows with family members where he feels got stand that they 'gang up on him '. I always incredibly supportive and understanding.
kitty you are on the right lines, how did you guess?!

streuth you could be right. I was much, much fitter when we met then had a huge blip from which I've not bounced back.

chucksnowballs he had what is commonly known as manflu, he was genuinely ill as I saw him and was super upset about not having organised anything to the point where he was crying, but upon recovery it was as tho my birthday had never happened.

bumdnc it was my every intention that the next guy I dated would have kids then we met and just 'clicked' instantly.
He desperately wanted kids which is apparently why his marriage ended (she didn't) I think I'm too old to have more but was giving serious consideration to at least trying, I thought at least we could have a lovely ready made family with mine.

He kind of likes it if you appear to be needy of his help. I think this is a projection of his own needy nature. Maybe he's looking to be a martyr to someone, eh? Claim credit for your continued existence? Maybe I'm being harsh but this is a backfire tactic if it's true. He sounds very unpleasant, in truth. If it was me I'd let him go. Your independent nature shines through in your writing. I'm not sure he's so keen on that. I think he thinks it might be possible to train you into relying on him. Then he could brag about how much you need him. And how much it costs him (ha!) And sod FB. Your instincts are spot on. Maybe you should trust them?

You gave some strong clues. But it's also the person you're describing. Leaving his job aside, his drinking is escalating and he's in denial about it, but the arguments have increased. I think that is everything you need to say. Your own father is/was an alcoholic. It's easy to see how you would get drawn to this man who is in denial and lacks insight into himself. Can you access some counselling for yourself to look at how you feel about yourself and how you might get drawn to someone like this? Finally - arguments make him physically and emotionally ill is a massive red flag. The word narcissist is used far too widely on MN, but this man has some clear narcissistic traits. The sooner you face up to what you are dealing with, the more equipped you will be to find a decent partner. He's not it.

I think it's dangerous to see arguments as productive because I think it can mask the fact that both of you sound disappointed and dissatisfied with one another's lives and situations. So one of you has to make changes, but neither will? And the one who does will end up resentful. It's a nice thought about a ready made family but it's also daunting in reality. If I stay with my partner long term we will have 5 kids between us and his are way younger than mine and I have been honest that it's daunting to me. That's a lot of kids! But I have the benefit of experience of my own, I can't imagine how it would feel to go from none to 3 or 4 in a few months

That sounds a bit harsh - sorry. You seem lovely. I feel really irritated by this prat.

Just an added thought - after a mere 6mths or so "ready made family" really doesn't come into it? He's a bf at this point ...

If he wants a relationship, why does he live somewhere where he can't bring a visitor? I think he's angry and frustrated that you have some boundaries and won't let him/his needs dominate. The birthday shizzle is ridiculous and inexcusable.

A boyfriend who wants you to have more/his children even though you think you might be past doing it? A bf who has no real place to share with you atm? And is fine/urgent about taking money from you for taxi fare or whatever else? There really are some warning signs here ... and yes, as a previous poster said ... I am increasingly irritated by his presence in my 6th sense!

tipsy gosh I'd never considered it like that. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, as I feel vulnerable if I'm not in a strong position. although on my bad days I desperately want someone to come and take control of me. he does joke about me being a strong independent woman.

He's never asked me to have more children he doesn't even like talking about him being childless and has asked me not to discuss it as it upsets him.
I've never criticised his living situation although maybe twice I have said I wish he had his own place.
kitty you sound lovely too. I never knew that the physical/ emotionally il from arguments could be a symptom of narcissism. I do seem to attract those types. Both parents have personality disorders, I always think that therefore it's me who's the fuck up, not my partners.
bumdnc I've got this all wrong haven't I? I thought I was getting it so right and being so grown up and progressing ☹️