Am I mean and 'righteous '?

[reggaesongbird]

Long story, will try to paraphrase...
I'm a single mum with small kids and not insignificant health problems.
I've been seeing a lovely guy (childless) since the summer, we get on well he's into the same things as me, we have mutual friends , he's thoughtful and lovingetc
For various reasons neither of us drive.
Since his divorce he lodges very very cheaply on the other side of our small town. where he lives he's unable to have guests which makes it very awkward for me, all our time together is spent at mine so I feel under a lot of pressure to entertain him and it feels quite limiting in terms of what we can do. In case anyone asks, I know he's not living with another woman, I've been there and seen the set up, it would be very awkward to conduct a relationship there but it would be nice to have it as an alternative place to spend time together.
He has a professional well paid job. I work part time.
Although we get on well and connect in many positive ways I find it very hard to argue with him. If I express disappointment or dissatisfaction with anything he becomes uber defensive and always says I'm being unfair or mean. When he recounts any other fallouts with other people he often uses the same language, e.g. Unfair etc.
Tonight's ridiculous argument was because he was coming this evening, I asked him to come when the kids are in bed, we haven't seen each other all weekend as have both been ill and I wanted time with my children...anyway I said come about half 7/8 he replied he'd only be able to come for an hour due to Sunday buses (they're pretty regular up until about half ten) he also cycles. This has been a regular theme of our relationship, he's often moaned about the time it takes to get to and from mine in the evenings.
Anyway... I replied it's hardly worth it for an hour, he then said he'd stay longer if I pay for a taxi, this was all in messages as the kids were still up. I told him I would not pay and that we should leave it if it's too much hassle, I then got the hump and asked if his friend had paid for his taxi when bf went to his friend's last night, he then replied no but his friend lives nearer and handy specified a time...this then degenerated into a text argument where I told him as a 40 year old man living cheaply he should be able to either undo a taxi or make alternative arrangements and then I moaned about him not having anywhere for u to go and suggested he get a girlfriend who lives nearer (it takes me 20 minutes to cycle to his house which I did once on the only occasion I was allowed there) he said with buses it's a two hour journey and we both have work in the morning etc.
He then said I'm being righteous and cruel and I obviously think he's a cunt and refused to continue the conversation with me.
I thought I was in love with him but these types of things keep coming up. Every time we have an argument he then goes cold and sulks and the last time just after New Years told me that he was ending the relationship as he can't cope with the arguments and insecurity. We argued after new year because I felt he'd been moody with me because I had to cut our time short and he felt sidelined by my children. Hes met my kids, earlier than intended because they got up in the night when he was here and he was in the lounge so I have let him spend time with us as a family just because it seemed like the right thing to do but I'm very mindful of trying to give a lot of my attention to them and I feel a bit worn out by it.
I've felt he's been short with me all weekend because I wanted to spend it with the kids, he of course will deny it but I feel him saying he could only stay an hour is him punishing me for not having him here this weekend. I struggle a lot with health issues and he has kept offering to come and help. I put him off because of the kids but also because in our last row he complained about 'running around after me' when I was ill, despite the fact I nursed him over Christmas and on my birthday. When he 'runs around ' after me he's so loving and solicitous and I thought we had a real chance of a future. I've asked him if we can work on our communication skills and how we cinduction arguments. I agree texting isn't always healthy but I struggle with his defensive argument and often I'm texting because the kids are in the house and I don't want them to hear me arguing.
Sorry this turned out longer than I planned...
am I mean and wrong and righteous?

And he obviously wants you to think he tells everyone about you! This is to increase your self-doubt.

I caNt be the dump by text person, id feel terrible!
I'll wait for him to contact me, if he gets in first with dumping so be it, it's just a matter of my hurt pride if he gets in first! Obviously there's more than hurt pride here but you know what I mean.
He's said on more than one occasion that he ended it with his wife, its obviously more important to him to be the dumper!

Incidentally our argument about his exw was because nearly 4 years later he still has a magazine subscription going to her house and has to meet her regularly to collect said mags. And has been messaging him asking when he's going to come round. I said this was ridiculous considering she devastated him so much, and queried his feelings for her, he told me to mind my own business and because of my questioning it he doesn't have have to tell me if/when he next meets her. Obviously this has made me feel insecure as well. And having been told by friends she is 'hot' and seen her photos I find it hard to handle that he may/may not be meeting her without my knowledge. I just accepted this as well because I didn't want another row.
I will pack up his things and leave them in the garage he has keys and I can let him collect his stuff from the garage and hope he'll return my keys.

Oh op he sounds awful, sorry.

Mummyoflittledragon yes I've seen Big, I love that film! He's very into 80s memorabilia, particularly certain toys and cartoon figures as well as music and films etc, I guess we're all about nostalgic for those days at our age but now I'm seeing it differently, he's definitely more into it than most.
Even my little boy asked why does bf like all the same things my son does?!

He has a set of keys to your house, is that correct? I'd want to get the keys before the dumping tbh. It stops him from getting a set cut to keep before he returns them. He's very immature and he drinks a lot you said. Wouldn't trust him not to do something stupid like trash your house for revenge.

Just seen your post.... I think big is a really fun film too.

Stop "feeling terrible" and take control. Cone on op! Let this be the last time he treats you like a door mat. He's never "felt terrible" about hurting or upsetting you had he?

It's a 6 month relationship. Not a 20 year marriage. Take control!

Who cares if it matters to him to be the dumper. All the more reason to dump him I'd say.

And hurt pride is important. Don't let him give you one last reason to feel shit. Take control and do it.

All this stuff about magazines etc is just confusing the issue.

End it. Decisively. Start taking control of your own destiny.

I agree I'd dump him. And bring that strong, independent woman back. Surely your self esteem and preservation is what counts, not his. Why are you still pandering to him? Alternatively just change your Facebook status to single. I'm not into Facebook but it sounds as if he'll see it.

In addition to all the other comments, he also sounds incredibly cheap! Despite making a decent living he has a grotty dwelling, no car, asks you for taxi fares etc etc etc. I bet there are more examples.

You may not realise it, but you come across as absolutely lovely and someone with a lot of self-insight, much more than the average.

I wish you luck for your future.

ovenchips yes there are plenty more examples. Thank you for your kind words. It's taken me years to learn insight and about instincts, my rights etc.

We both work centrally and I have messaged him to ask if we can meet lunchtime/ after work to discuss the practicalities of how we can end things and exchange stuff etc. I have his phone which I was going to buy off him after mine broke, I'd ideally like to keep it to make life simpler for me, i have been clear in my message that I don't want to drag it out any longer for both our sakes, the arguing has been too much for both of us over Christmas and new year, and I'm done with it. He said he was 'going to call it a day' last week and I was gutted. I didn't try and stop him, he then said he didn't want to to end and neither did I. we agreed to try harder to be nice to each other, we met and everything was lovely as usual. Me not being available for him this weekend has done this, he tried to punish me by his actions yesterday re bus/ taxi etc and this is a clear sign things will not improve.

i agree, things won't improve, it'll be a life off constantly being told you're wrong whatever your position is, and despite your expectations being normal. Back yourself op - he's exported his work toolkit of constant negotiation into your relationship to justify his every ludicrous demand. The counsellor is supposed to be an independent 3rd party between 2 people, you've instead got someone who is skilled at emotional manipulation. He's a mess, not you. Your expectations sound normal and conventional to me, you can do better. These sort of constant negotiators who rarely accept anything without having the last word are life-sucking. Good luck for today.

yy oven, Op, what does he do with his money? He's got almost no outgoings. Is he not as successful as he makes out? Or is he hording money for some early retirement? It did occur that his end game is bullying you into inviting him to live with you - even cheaper! Don't do that!!

The saying he was going to end it and then saying he didn't want to is so manipulative. You are supposed to beg him to stay and when that didn't happen he had to then about turn and say he didn't want to. I was friends with a guy for ages, he was it seemed such a lively guy his friends loved him in fact was accused of being a bit too nice and being walked over. We ended up seeing each other but it only lasted about 2 weeks he drove me crazy. He would huff and pout and get all hurt and storm off if I said I wanted a night to myself. I never chased after him ever and he would do things like get in his car turn it around as if to drive off park again and come back in the house. There was no way I was putting up with that. It is just plain old manipulative. It's designed to get a reaction from you of chasing and pleading. Be prepared for him to behave all broken hearted and devastated when you do see him. It's part of the manipulation.

Thank you roguestar I don't think he'll even respond or meet me, he'll just go into head buried mode. He's expert at shutting off.
I have absolutely no idea what he does with his money. He said his divorce was expensive then he was made redundant and apparently went into some debt. He's very cagey as he sees it as me defaming his character if I express an opinion or ask about his financial situation. He pays 200 per month to live where he does and I cannot fathom what he does with the rest of his money as it's certainly not going on me. He seems to buy a lot of collectibles, limited edition art, toys etc.
I've done so much for him in terms of support, with work issues, listening to his family stuff, really looking after him when ill, treating him to things, including him in things with my kids when I'd rather have just been us. he has done a lot for me too but on the whole it feels that I have to pay for it somehow eventually.

yes he'll want to play the good guy victim, but the point is that he's the one that's pushing you around over the issue of seeing you entirely on his terms.

He is 40 years old in ft employment and living as a lodger and is upset that he hasn't had children.

Does he think that his living arrangements might be impacting on this.

I was told that being in a relationship the other person should enhance your life. This guy acts like another child and on the whole only seems to cause agro or is on the take. You don't need this bullshit you have your own children to look after. You can't be held responsible for a pouty mardy 40year old teenager with a drink problem who won't get his act together

It's not enhancing my life now, it was at first but he drags me down, despite my health issues I like to be out and doing. He apparently used to as well, and that was one of the attractions that he seemed to be into the same things as me.
He was in a footy team etc, he has no healthy interests/pursuits anymore and has scuppered a few of my child free weekend plans by being too tired to do anything and I got sick of wasting weekends in bed waiting for him to get up.
I enjoy the sex and lie ins cuddly Sundays etc but not at the expense of my health and I need stimulation from excercise and fresh air etc
I've literally left him in my bed and gone off and done things on my own , feeling very downhearted and let down while he lies in bed then berates himself and makes me feel bad for being disappointed?!

sounds awful - and at 6 months in, that's going to be a repeating pattern. What's the point of a relationship where you can't count on the other person for companionship? And imagine having a baby and you having to be the one that does it all as he's nearly always sicker/more tired than you. Just ugh.

lovely, thoughtful, loving

No, he's not.

He since said taxi question was 'a flippant comment' but also said shouldn't he be insulted that I don't want to pay for him?!!

By the same token, shouldn't you be insulted that he doesn't want to pay the taxi fare in order to visit you for longer? Or indeed get on a bike and do that 20 minute ride?

He's got 'covert narc' written all over him - certainly the manipulation/telling you what you're thinking/sulking/over-reacting to the slightest perceived insult/OTT on FB.

Run away - it will not end well.

yeah, well, he obviously doesn't value you.

there's not much you can do about that.

you can however value yourself.

MAN CHILD KLAXON

please get rid