Am I mean and 'righteous '?

[reggaesongbird]

Long story, will try to paraphrase...
I'm a single mum with small kids and not insignificant health problems.
I've been seeing a lovely guy (childless) since the summer, we get on well he's into the same things as me, we have mutual friends , he's thoughtful and lovingetc
For various reasons neither of us drive.
Since his divorce he lodges very very cheaply on the other side of our small town. where he lives he's unable to have guests which makes it very awkward for me, all our time together is spent at mine so I feel under a lot of pressure to entertain him and it feels quite limiting in terms of what we can do. In case anyone asks, I know he's not living with another woman, I've been there and seen the set up, it would be very awkward to conduct a relationship there but it would be nice to have it as an alternative place to spend time together.
He has a professional well paid job. I work part time.
Although we get on well and connect in many positive ways I find it very hard to argue with him. If I express disappointment or dissatisfaction with anything he becomes uber defensive and always says I'm being unfair or mean. When he recounts any other fallouts with other people he often uses the same language, e.g. Unfair etc.
Tonight's ridiculous argument was because he was coming this evening, I asked him to come when the kids are in bed, we haven't seen each other all weekend as have both been ill and I wanted time with my children...anyway I said come about half 7/8 he replied he'd only be able to come for an hour due to Sunday buses (they're pretty regular up until about half ten) he also cycles. This has been a regular theme of our relationship, he's often moaned about the time it takes to get to and from mine in the evenings.
Anyway... I replied it's hardly worth it for an hour, he then said he'd stay longer if I pay for a taxi, this was all in messages as the kids were still up. I told him I would not pay and that we should leave it if it's too much hassle, I then got the hump and asked if his friend had paid for his taxi when bf went to his friend's last night, he then replied no but his friend lives nearer and handy specified a time...this then degenerated into a text argument where I told him as a 40 year old man living cheaply he should be able to either undo a taxi or make alternative arrangements and then I moaned about him not having anywhere for u to go and suggested he get a girlfriend who lives nearer (it takes me 20 minutes to cycle to his house which I did once on the only occasion I was allowed there) he said with buses it's a two hour journey and we both have work in the morning etc.
He then said I'm being righteous and cruel and I obviously think he's a cunt and refused to continue the conversation with me.
I thought I was in love with him but these types of things keep coming up. Every time we have an argument he then goes cold and sulks and the last time just after New Years told me that he was ending the relationship as he can't cope with the arguments and insecurity. We argued after new year because I felt he'd been moody with me because I had to cut our time short and he felt sidelined by my children. Hes met my kids, earlier than intended because they got up in the night when he was here and he was in the lounge so I have let him spend time with us as a family just because it seemed like the right thing to do but I'm very mindful of trying to give a lot of my attention to them and I feel a bit worn out by it.
I've felt he's been short with me all weekend because I wanted to spend it with the kids, he of course will deny it but I feel him saying he could only stay an hour is him punishing me for not having him here this weekend. I struggle a lot with health issues and he has kept offering to come and help. I put him off because of the kids but also because in our last row he complained about 'running around after me' when I was ill, despite the fact I nursed him over Christmas and on my birthday. When he 'runs around ' after me he's so loving and solicitous and I thought we had a real chance of a future. I've asked him if we can work on our communication skills and how we cinduction arguments. I agree texting isn't always healthy but I struggle with his defensive argument and often I'm texting because the kids are in the house and I don't want them to hear me arguing.
Sorry this turned out longer than I planned...
am I mean and wrong and righteous?

Christ all mighty. He wouldn't be getting any more dates from Me. Onwards and upwards, OP! The asking to pay for a taxi would have been nail in the coffin!!

asking to pay for a taxi
boring bastard laying in bed
buying collectibles
general moaning and negative behaviour

he sounds a peach

I agree with the man-child diagnosis. He sulks, argues, everything that contradicts his world view is 'unfair'..I can practically hear him stamping his foot and shouting 'it's not faaaaaaaiiiirrrr'. And he runs home to report your arguments to mummy and daddy?

You sound so lovely OP. Give this waste of space the push, you don't need another child in your life!

Also he has a very erratic (bad) diet about which he is super defensive. I'm always cooking him nutritious food and I learned this week that he gets his mum and sister to make any medical appointments for him.
He was having problems at work, I did reams of research for him and even joined a union on his behalf as he was so overwhelmed with the upshot being he never called on their support and continued to struggle on with it himself. It all seems to be ok at work now if he's not telling me anything.
He's not responding to my meet up request. Standard behaviour after a disagreement, he goes into lockdown and doesn't respond to any calls, texts etc, at Christmas when he was ill and laid up at mine apparently he upset his family as nobody knew where he was or what was happening.
When he goes into lockdown I've responded previously by calling loads and sending loads of messages, getting upset even though I know what I'm doing is pathetic.

Thank you again everyone. I've been ill for weeks, I do have a low immunity but now I'm thinking maybe this has dragged me down more than I realised.

I'm not surprised you are ill. He sounds like a complete emotional vampire. You do sound lovely, I hope you meet someone decent and fun soon.

Thank you plifner I think I can't go through it again. Before I met this guy I was planning to just be me and the kids, my friend persuaded me to meet him as thought we were a perfect match. At first I wasn't going to bother but then thought I had nothing to lose (just my pride, dignity, self esteem, happiness, self respect freedom etc )
We had so much fun at the beginning and still do as long as I'm not complaining!

Im afraid drama queens at this stage turn into even bigger drama queens once they have feet under the table. At this stage he should be moving heaven and high water if he wants to see you. I think you know full well what others would say and thats both those on here who say LTB for the tiniest tiff to those who think anything can be worked through.

I agree with the narc tendencies mentioned. He was all agreeable in the beginning, mirroring you. But now he is training you to fit into the template he designed for his happiness, nothing to do with your happiness. Eventually you won't feel to be anything more than a cardboard cutout of yourself.

Stuff what other people think. And no guilt here either...you have nothing to feel guilty about. No one can make you feel guilty. Only you can make yourself feel guilty. I would be hard pressed to not outright laugh at him.

The taxi fare was him projecting his cheap meanness back onto you. A juvenile "no I'm not-you are!".

I presume you don't have any of your stuff at his-one advantage of not going there.

You text to meet to sort out the end if the relationship was excellent, imho. His refusal to respond will probably be him thinking "you can't make me". I agree to inform him when he can pick up his stuff (prepacked) and give a dead line of the next trash pick up day. Or, it would be worth the taxi fare to simply deliver it without further discussion, so you wouldn't have to depend on him to take an action or respond.

It's such a blow, isn't it? You decided to go for it, despite not even being in the market for a relationship, as it seemed so promising.

Then 6 months later here you are. Such a blow and such a disappointment: you thought you'd found someone worth investing all that relationship energy into.

Anyone would feel the same. I know you don't want to have 'another' failed relationship, and no-one can blame you for that either.

The important thing now is to recognise how much better it is for you (and your children) to accept the relationship has failed than continuing in a one that is truly crappy in some important ways.

Ha! He's told me a couple of times about a previous ex (not the wife) who packed all his stuff in in bags on the street, years ago, he said because he wanted to go out with friends and that was her ultimatum. I said there must have been more leading up to it to which he agreed there was, they hadn't got on for some time.
I wouldn't want a scene, the last guy I was involved with ended up harassing me so much I had to call the police. I don't half pick them!

So taxi guy has just called me, continues to call me mean and said I twisted his words, he stil maintains he was joking about the taxi and in the next breath complained how long the journey is etc.
He's so upset he's taken the day off work and he's afraid cannot come to collect his stuff tonight . He said he doesn't want to split up with me and it has come as complete shock to him, he can't believe I'd split up by text over a taxi related joke!
I asked how it can be a shock when he called it a day last week, he then accused me of twisting his words from last week and that he did not mean call it a day as in 'end the relationship '...,
When I asked him what was mean about my challenging him he said he needs to check over my messages to remember the exact words. I was not mean I'm sure, I could have been a lot meaner!
I Probably shouldn't have engaged in argument with him especially as am at work but I'm so infuriated by him, especially by his continued denial of anything I've complained about. He denied saying he felt sidelined by my kids, he denied saying he'd run around after me etc etc said I'd twisted all his words!
Absolutely exhausting five min conversation.

it's a hilarious joke isn't it reggae, joking about you paying for a taxi. So amusing! If that was a joke, it was a joke intended to make a barb so that you'd feel on the back foot. How can that have been a joke and at the same time, that's his 'boundary'. You are so well shot of him. So he's lost a day at work because he tried to push someone around and lost out - poor him...if he really believes you are mean and twisted, why does he not want to split up? Because he's such a great guy?

You will never win an argument with him. Ever. Partly because he enjoys it. And it's dragging you down.

Just disconnect from him. Sat "look, the relationship is over as far as I'm concerned. It's not working for me. Collect your stuff by Friday or it's going to charity. Good bye".

And bloody well do it. Come on op! I want to give you a shake. You're like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

on your behalf.
Denying it doesn't change the fact of it or the effect of it.

Stop listening to him. Hold your hand up- "speak to the hand" as no other part of you will be listening. He certainly is not listening to you, and probably never has.

He is the one twisting things-again: projecting! He is engineering his memory to justify himself and invalidate you. It is called rewriting history. Do not even engage in that conversation.

He had his chance with you and blew it. End of. Let him find his comfort from his My Little Pony (or whatever) collection.

How exhausting he is. You are constantly having a conversation about a conversation, tying yourself in knots trying to argue that day is, in fact, day, and not night as he insists.

bitoutofpractice that's exactly how I feel, rabbit caught in headlights. It's not easy to believe that I'm right in the face of his constant denial and telling me I twist things all the time. I said I was insulted at effectively being asked to pay for his time last night, he was apoplectic at my twisting of his words.
He denied ever having said it before ref taxi and said I obviously never cared for him and am using taxi joke as an excuse to end things. I said it's the last straw, he denied any other straw, I've overlooked all the positives, I said I've weighed it all up and this is my outcome.

i agree with bit. It's like he's re-hashing arguments as a prelude to a bitter divorce after a 20 year marriage - have some fun op, you don't need this sort of aggravation.

Leaving aside everything else, when you've been seeing someone for six months or so, if they really like you they'd be crawling over hot coals to see you. Mentioning a taxi fare - even in jest - is a deal breaker. Lazy tightwad.

I know this is going to look petty but here I am copying for you word for word the message he called mean, nasty, righteous and shit, please be honest (as if you wouldn't) and tell me what I have said that's so bad, of course I'm questioning myself again now and don't know if he's right and it's me who's the cunt after all:

"It's not a dig it's genuine dismay! Everything is not a dig. I'm allowed to express disappointment.
You have been saying ur ill since Friday so I'm not going to ask u to do things for me.
I also did not want to ask u for help and make u run around after me again as u had complained about it last time I was ill. And I wanted to give the kids my full attention for various reasons some of which u know.
Ru seriously insulted that I can't pay for a taxi for u to come to my house? U call that A simple suggestion???!!!!
I'm in XXXX, it is not the middle of exmoor! You are a 40 year old man, it's not rocket science. A simple suggestion: U have a bike, u have legs. The buses do not stop at 830 on a Sunday night. U forget I can read bus timetables. Maybe u should have been more upfront about ur Sunday night unavailability. I'm sorry for being the only one with a place where we can hang out and for being so difficult by living on the other side of a very small city.
Perhaps you should get a girlfriend who lives ten minutes away or better still in XXXX or maybe someone who's not trying to juggle children with the rest of her life and trying to make three people happy whilst having health issues. I'm texting because I'm upset and I don't want the kids to hear me upset."

reggae that's the point isn't it, you're not allowed to express any negatives to him otherwise he unleashes a barrage of crap on your head. When someone starts calling you mean, nasty, self righteous etc you have to show them the door - if he wasn't a manipulative tosser who was just saying it for effect, he'd want out if he honestly believed you were all of those things.

I never looked at it that way before roguestar ! Of course, why would anyone with any sense want to stay with such a twisting biatch?
Thanks for giving me a new perspective

he's either insane or a manipulative liar :)

reggae

Please do yourself and in turn your children a huge service by getting this waste of space out of your life for good. He is basically now trying to drag you down with him to his base level.

No more conversations with him are really necessary now. You've said more than enough already and he is still not wanting to listen. Men like him always but always are up for a fight and also want the last word.

I would also suggest you now enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as these types of men really do know how to mess with their chosen victim's head. You were really targeted by this person; he saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

I would also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This man is in those pages as well.

I've been following this with increasing disbelief. What a total knob head that man is.

It really doesn't matter now, who said what to who. As others have said you're never going to get him to see your point of view. You're not happy. You've decided you're worth more. You deserve better and so do your kids. It's only been 6 months not half a lifetime together. And most importantly you do not need his permission to end the relationship!!!.

Chuck his stuff in the garage, if he doesn't drop the keys back, CHANGE THE LOCKS, block his number from your phone, change your FB status to single with a 'wow, dodged a bullet there' post. If anyone takes his side over yours they're not worth your attention.

Be kind to yourself, lovely xx