I need to leave, but I can't do it

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

I live with my partner, on the face of it we are perfectly happy and I think he thinks he's finally got me in line. I think I may hate him but I'm not sure if I do, I know I don't see a future with him anymore but I seem incapable of getting him out of my life.

This could be long, so apologies for that.

We've spent the morning cleaning, with me walking on egg shells, while we finally took the tree down he was annoyed that I didn't seem to he doing anything so he tried to send me away to clean another room. I told him I was busy taking other decorations down and he had no response.

He will often call me "dull for a smart girl" if I don't get a joke he says - often a joke aimed at me.

He has to be right and the other night told me he thinks I think I'm more intelligent than him, I told him I don't (because I don't) but he was adamant, I think this comes from the times I correct him. Correcting him is a big no no but sometimes I can't help myself. He can correct me of course.

He told me while drunk the other night he doesn't like me, he made it sound like a joke, but a lot of truth is said through jokes.

He's been messaging another girl, hiding in plain sight as it were, telling me about her, saying they're just friends, he met up with her the other day and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't ok with it. I couldn't say no because he explained once he's met her once it can then fizzle out, which would make me the reasonable one if I said anything. It hasn't fizzled out of course. He bought me a gift after this. To me, that's a red flag, but I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.

He's only affectionate when he's drunk, I said something in my sleep the other day about how he doesn't respect me (he told me this) and he spent a few days being good to me and then we were back to normal.

I know the advice here will be LTB, I am financially capable of doing this and am getting myself sorted to do this.

My question is, how do I do this? I left once before and he crawled his way back in, it's as though I'm incapable of blocking him.
So how, how do I get away?

I need to get his parents numbers before I can leave, God knows how I'd contact them if he said anything like that but I need that for my piece of mind.

I regularly cull things so all I have I do use, I'm leaving larger items (tv, kitchen things) for last he can keep everything else.

I understand. But remember that if he should threaten self-harm, you can always call 999. Remember that if you haven't managed to get their numbers by the time all your things are moved.

I left.

I left on Friday.

I'm processing everything right now, but I think I've made it out for good. The one thing that's hurting me the most - is an abortion I had, at the time I thought it was for me, now I realise that isn't true and I didn't process how I felt at all because he wouldn't allow me to talk of it.

Thank you all for your support. I'll update if anything happens, right now all I've had are a few texts and an attempt at a phone call.

Well done Outed, so pleased for you. Enjoy your freedom, enjoy your new life. Always remember how strong you have been to do this.
Seek out some counselling to talk through your feelings.
Do the Freedom Programme to avoid falling into the same situation again. When you have children you want it to be with a good, respectful man.

Well done Outed! You should be really proud of yourself

Please update us Outed. I'm so routing for you! Even if it's not what we want to hear, let us know how you are please?

I'm doing well, I spoke to he on the phone tonight because I didn't have the strength to ignore him again, it was ok but he was full of talk of himself and how hard his day has been.
Thank you all for helping me find some sort of strength to do this, I need to break away from all communication next which I'm sure comes with time. Next step is to block him but I'm too scared to do that just yet.
I will certainly look at the freedom programme.

Oh this is wonderful! Go, you!!!!

Step by step. Just keep to the steps you've made so far and you'll be fine. The next step will then come easier.

As far as the abortion, you'll be able to work through that now that you are going to have the headspace to do so. One thing to remember is that, even if you regret it, it does mean that you have no permanent ties to him. One of the things that broke up my marriage was the fact that my ex dropped the 'I don't want children' bomb on me some time after we were married. At the time I was deeply tempted to just get pregnant anyway, but now I am so glad I didn't as it would have tied me to him for the rest of my life. As it was, when I kicked him out I knew that I'd never have to see him again as long as I lived.

Thanks for the update. You're doing so well. I really admire your courage and know how hard it is to break away permanently. Good luck

So very pleased to hear this.

Thank you across I do hope one day I'll have children with a good man. I'm also going to get counselling to deal with the abortion, I need to really take care of myself right now.
Thank you all, I'm surprised I was able to do it.

I'm delighted that you did it! Hold your head high and be very proud of yourself! For sure, everything you say and do now should have you at the centre of your world. You're right to seek some counselling. You've had to repress and subdue everything that makes you you and you've also had to go through grief that he never allowed you to experience properly, never mind process.

Allow yourself to be in survival mode right now, as lovingly (towards yourself) as you can muster. Let your wonderful friend look after you too. If he creates difficulty at work then please report it to someone.

Your life will get better from now on; you've already surprised yourself - in a good way - at what you can do. Keep reminding yourself of the huge step you took in such misery and dream of what you'll be able to do when you recover from all of it.

Notice how he is still trying to control you with fear, obligation and guilt.

Block him on social media.
Block his phone number.
Ignore emails, set them up to automatically go to trash.
Do not drive past his place.

Simples.

You do not owe him a single thing, not even a second of your precious, hard-fought new life of freedom.

I am surprised I was able to do it, but I am so pleased. I do miss him but I know that will fade. I saw him today in work and we had a quick conversation because we were both in a group of people. He asked me about my day and I asked about his, nothing more but it made him call me tonight "just to talk" and during the conversation he turned on the charm as always. Now I know it is just charm, nothing more.
I'm not ready to block him yet, or able to.

You'll get there. You're already seeing him for what he is more and more clearly and his 'charm' isn't working as it used to. You'll block him when and if the time is right.

Counseling is a very good idea.

I've found myself spending the night with him, but the thing is he's messaging the other woman most of the time. It hurts, I don't know what I expected from tonight I guess I felt I owed him something. Now I know he wouldn't be willing to fight for us at all, I thought the fake charm was at least him trying to fix things. I was wrong and tomorrow is a new day, I do wonder if no contact is the way to go, but he's talking of keeping my ipad to work on it and I know that's a way to keep me coming back, but I have no way to stop him keeping it.

Ok, you made a bad decision to spend the night with him. But you know that and will not let it happen again. Is there a reason you can't immediately leave, right now? Or if he's at yours, tell him to leave. By my figuring it's around 10 pm UK time. That's not too late for you to drive home or get a taxi.

You say you have no way to stop him keeping your iPad. Why? It is yours. You simply say 'No you may not keep it, give it to me'. Then you change the password so he has no access to it. If he keeps it, that is stealing and you report it to the police.

Are you afraid of him? Do you feel that you are physically in danger?

Regard it as break-up sex. Happens, shows you "that's it."

What AcrossthePond said is very wise.

You chose to spend the night with him (not "found yourself" staying over and having sex) aware that he is still messaging another/s. He is still pushing your (non-existent) boundaries. You'll find your "No More" point. He doesn't need custody of or even access to your iPad. But that's also your choice, your ownership.There is no solace in trying to hold on to the fantasy version of him. Bit by bit he will push you into either total submission or a blinding light of anger. Your choice.

He is abusive and controlling. You are really really brave to leave. Now you really do need to go nc, I did and it's the best thing I ever did. You deserve so much more than wringing your hands over this nasty selfish asshole. Stay strong xxx

You're all very right of course, I did choose to stay.
This morning I left and I took my iPad with me, we didn't sleep together, I refused any advances.
I'm not physically in any danger when I'm around him but emotionally I feel like I've been through the ringer. No contact is the only way to go now.

I'm glad you've gotten your 'self' back. NC definitely the way to go!

It took a 'bad decision' to make you see how bad he is. So it may have been a bad but 'worthwhile' decision because you've learnt from it. Just be sure you remember how he made you feel if you find yourself making excuses or weakening.

Now, shake off the bad feelings, rejoice that your eyes are open, and move forward.

He text me today and I text back, I ignored his text for about half an hour and felt strong. I replied, because I felt I had too and I felt worse.
This tells me that no contact is the way forward.

If you seriously feel you can't go 'cold turkey', can you block him just for 2 hours? Then do it again tomorrow for 4 hours? Then 6, then 8, well you get what I'm thinking.

We are all of us conditioned to believe we aren't supposed to ignore people. We answer phones, the door, texts when we are eating dinner, having 'family time', are ill, or just really don't want to. It was a revelation to me to realize (thanks to DH) that I don't have to and it's not rude not to answer unasked for visitors or communications.

When you get to fully blocking him, be sure you delete his contact information. And if you're on any social media, delete/block from there, too.

I like the idea of that across
Today we had a long conversation in which I told him we were very much over and I would not be going back. I explained that I have my reasons (to avoid an argument I didn't go into detail) he said he didn't know what he could do to change my mind, I told him there is nothing.
From Monday I will be trying your blocking for a couple of hours idea, mostly because I am curious to see if he tries anything tomorrow. Which is probably stupid, but curiousity killed the cat.