I need to leave, but I can't do it

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I live with my partner, on the face of it we are perfectly happy and I think he thinks he's finally got me in line. I think I may hate him but I'm not sure if I do, I know I don't see a future with him anymore but I seem incapable of getting him out of my life.

This could be long, so apologies for that.

We've spent the morning cleaning, with me walking on egg shells, while we finally took the tree down he was annoyed that I didn't seem to he doing anything so he tried to send me away to clean another room. I told him I was busy taking other decorations down and he had no response.

He will often call me "dull for a smart girl" if I don't get a joke he says - often a joke aimed at me.

He has to be right and the other night told me he thinks I think I'm more intelligent than him, I told him I don't (because I don't) but he was adamant, I think this comes from the times I correct him. Correcting him is a big no no but sometimes I can't help myself. He can correct me of course.

He told me while drunk the other night he doesn't like me, he made it sound like a joke, but a lot of truth is said through jokes.

He's been messaging another girl, hiding in plain sight as it were, telling me about her, saying they're just friends, he met up with her the other day and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't ok with it. I couldn't say no because he explained once he's met her once it can then fizzle out, which would make me the reasonable one if I said anything. It hasn't fizzled out of course. He bought me a gift after this. To me, that's a red flag, but I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.

He's only affectionate when he's drunk, I said something in my sleep the other day about how he doesn't respect me (he told me this) and he spent a few days being good to me and then we were back to normal.

I know the advice here will be LTB, I am financially capable of doing this and am getting myself sorted to do this.

My question is, how do I do this? I left once before and he crawled his way back in, it's as though I'm incapable of blocking him.
So how, how do I get away?

Hi out your not the only woman to feel like this. I've felt like this msny of times. It's even worse if they are crying ect..

Dig deep love. You feel weak and unsure because he has made you doubt yourself. He has destabilised you. That's why so many women stay in very unhappy relationships.

You sound lovely and deserve some one lovely too. How can you ever be happy with some one who treats you fantastically when your still stuck here.

I met my lovely Dh after leaving someone that made me sad and unhappy. It took a while but put myself back together and I have two beautiful girls to him.

There is happiness for you just around the corner love you just have to go get it

Can you call your friend and tell her to talk to you as you pack and leave?

Pot noodle your post made me cry, it was so nice.

I've called my friend, she's offered to come round but she can be quite blunt and pushy and I can't handle that right now. I'm unpacking, I don't feel ready to do this yet.

What a horrible man. Please get your friend round to help you get out of there.

Talk about cheating right under your nose. No respect for you at all.

He's vile and I need out I hope I get out.

You will get put. You can do it. Make 2017 your year to breakdown.

Just grab what you need and go. The relationship is over. He's seeing someone else. You hate him, which he deserves btw. Why string it out? Just go.

Sorry.... I meant your year to breakaway. Damn predictive text.

Oh love, if there's still time, please go. You don't need this man. He has nothing to offer you. Let others support you. What you may think is pushy is really nothing but support and encouragement.

Did you contact the Freedom Programme? I have linked you to the page to find a course near you. Do PLEASE contact them - they will help and support you. They are very experienced and know how hard it is to leave. They won't pressure you, they will come alongside you and support you. Plus you'll meet others in the same position, which is empowering.

Also please get in touch with your local Womens Aid. Ditto with the experience to support you gently.

This is the hard bit: breaking through the force field of the power abusers have over us. Keep going op. You will get there a step at a time xx

He's seeing another woman, in plain sight.

Need and Hope don't always match up as a way into action. There is your precious self waiting to be in charge and fear of your own power to leave is holding you back. What are you hoping for? That idyll of being out of there already? It's you that has to take that step to make it happen. If he's out late with someone else this would be such a good time to do it. Your pushy friend might be just what you need to help you out but as you haven't asked her maybe you never really meant for it to happen tonight?

Will there be a drama on his return? I'd advise against this but if he doesn't get a challenge will he see it as you behaving yourself according to his law or will he wonder what's going on that you don't say something that reassures him you're desperate to stay together/are well trained.

It's up to you, OP. If tonight is not the night then maybe there will be another time when you see it through and give yourself what you know you need. A future.

The man you have described is not at all a nice man.

Hi OP are you ok? Did he return after his night out? Hope you are ok?

I've been following what's happening the past few days and wanted to say that when you find the strength and finally leave, as this will happen, life is good, honestly it will be so much better, I spent 18 years living in a similar so called relationship, I've never looked back, it took awhile to find myself and I could kick myself for the time it took but life is great, younger model picked up along the way, I'm a great believer in fate what's meant to happen, happens for a reason, when your ready take that first step, go for it, go on give it a go, x

Hi all, I'm ok he came home he didn't talk about where he'd been and I didn't ask him.
I went to bed and got out early for work, I'd unpacked by the time he was home.
I met my friend tonight and we agreed if it happens again she's coming over no matter what and I'm leaving.

out honest to god you will kick yourself when you finally do leave at how long you stayed and what you have let him do to you.

One of the things that fucked me up when I left my ex was the absolute anger I had at myself.

When I finally left it was over something very small. I think the more dramatic and upset I was made it harder as I needed to be loved and comforted by him.

When I left I started a daily diary and I was very honest. It was really dark at first as I was heart broken but eventually my writing got brighter and more happy. Why don't you start one now and then read it weekly. So you can see in text what's happening and how he is making you feel.

You will leave out you just need the wind in your sails. It will come

Refocus.

You haven't failed to leave.

You have been brace enough to pack everything and almost get out of the door!

I would normally suggest detaching emotionally so that you feel able to go and stay away and I still recommend you try and do that (and your posts suggest you already are) but here I suggest you hand over control of this to your blunt and honest friend. Fact is she is more of a friend to you than you are to yourself right now. Lean on her, follow her advice even if it feels horrible - and call women's aid.

You'll do it next time. In the meantime, just keep preparing. Moving things to your friend's, copying documents, and stashing away cash. Even if you have separate finances, it's a good idea to have some cash money hidden away or being held by a trusted friend in case you need to make an emergency exit.

I've been taking small steps, if he texts I don't rely immediately or answer the phone at a drop of a hat.
I was out all day yesterday and although I did answer the phone I left it ringing for a while, he asked me why it took me so long to answer and I said I was busy. This seems to be helping me grow stronger. I can't tel he doesn't like it but he hasn't said anything yet. I'm just worried I'm raising his suspicions and he'll decide I'm seeing someone else. It's ironic really.

pot offred across thanks for the kind messages

I've got to say the fact you saw the message about him meeting the other woman was a "reeling you in" tactic and it's worked. Not because your weak but because he knows he has you where he wants you and how to press your buttons to control you and your behaviour. Each time he does it and as you know what is going on you are robbing yourself of esteem and self respect. It's damaging yourself mentally.

I had to wait for my ex to meet, latch on lol, to someone else, before he left me alone, and even then he tried the lets be friends, but I made it clear I didn't want any contact ever again, and thanked my lucky stars, it's slighty more satisfying that she was cheating with him for a year and they moved in together 2 weeks after we split. They've been together about a year now, so I suspect she is just beginning to realise exactly what a violent lying narc she stole. I'm happy either way and glad I had the strength to do it. You will find yours

Baggage reclaim.com have some great articles on his type that will make you laugh and cry in recognition of what's happening to you

I felt like it was a tactic at the time, I've moved out quite a few of my things this week and he hasn't noticed.
He did say to me when drunk that if this year doesn't get any better for him, then he won't do it anymore, meaning he will end it. That worries me, I know it's probably a tactic but it's the fact he said it when drunk that concerns me. He's always honest when drunk.

Don't allow him to blackmail you into staying with threats of suicide.

People might possibly be very honest when drunk, but they can also be extremely manipulative, too.

Keep moving things.

I can't and I won't let him blackmail me, I have decided today I'll find a way to get his
parents numbers so if he threatens it when he goes no contact I can forward the messages onto them and stay out of it.

I've moved some more clothes out tonight.

Good idea! He is NOT your responsibility.

How much more do you think you'll need to move before you can move yourself? Also, be sure to cull things out to make the move happen sooner. We all have things we really have just been lugging around with us but we never use or wear. This would be a good time to either leave them behind or sell/donate them.