I need to leave, but I can't do it

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

I live with my partner, on the face of it we are perfectly happy and I think he thinks he's finally got me in line. I think I may hate him but I'm not sure if I do, I know I don't see a future with him anymore but I seem incapable of getting him out of my life.

This could be long, so apologies for that.

We've spent the morning cleaning, with me walking on egg shells, while we finally took the tree down he was annoyed that I didn't seem to he doing anything so he tried to send me away to clean another room. I told him I was busy taking other decorations down and he had no response.

He will often call me "dull for a smart girl" if I don't get a joke he says - often a joke aimed at me.

He has to be right and the other night told me he thinks I think I'm more intelligent than him, I told him I don't (because I don't) but he was adamant, I think this comes from the times I correct him. Correcting him is a big no no but sometimes I can't help myself. He can correct me of course.

He told me while drunk the other night he doesn't like me, he made it sound like a joke, but a lot of truth is said through jokes.

He's been messaging another girl, hiding in plain sight as it were, telling me about her, saying they're just friends, he met up with her the other day and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't ok with it. I couldn't say no because he explained once he's met her once it can then fizzle out, which would make me the reasonable one if I said anything. It hasn't fizzled out of course. He bought me a gift after this. To me, that's a red flag, but I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.

He's only affectionate when he's drunk, I said something in my sleep the other day about how he doesn't respect me (he told me this) and he spent a few days being good to me and then we were back to normal.

I know the advice here will be LTB, I am financially capable of doing this and am getting myself sorted to do this.

My question is, how do I do this? I left once before and he crawled his way back in, it's as though I'm incapable of blocking him.
So how, how do I get away?

You can do this OP. Think of the benefits in the future. You will be happier. Your friend will support you. I bet that you find your friends coming out of the woodwork saying that he was never very nice but they didn't want to interfere. Good luck. Keep posting here if it helps.

I agree with the bit about your friends. They have probably seen things that you didn't notice.

Also, don't underestimate how much better you will feel when you are free of him.

I look forward to the bliss side, I truly do.

Then visualize it. Imagine your own little place. How it will look, how it will smell. Visualize the peace and quiet. See every little thing in the places you have chosen for them. See that he will never be allowed inside, there will be no 'imprint' of him there.

Keep that in your mind and see it when you're tempted to react. Hold onto it.

And do talk to your boss if he starts 'shadowing' you. I'm sure there will be something they can do to stop him.

If be notices anything tell him you are decluttering.

To say I'm decluttering is a good idea.

Across I could picture it when you said that, it looked ideal and peaceful.

If I don't do this I will never have my freedom.

Visualization got me through some dark days, myself. 'Tasting' the dream can give you the courage to actually achieve it!

OMG, just leave. What on earth are you waiting for? Leave, block his number and move on with your life.

Well done for taking steps to leave this horrible, controlling man. My ex was emotionally abusive to me - it started similarly to what you describe. Then we moved to his home town and had kids and the abuse really kicked in then!!

Please get out asap while you have no children with this man! Trust me, he will get worse over time.

If he wants an explanation as to why you left him perhaps don't tell him the truth. Go along the lines of you just want to be single, focus on you, career whatever.... Just because if you say because of him, there's more opportunity for him to talk his way out of it, make promises, persuade you back etc etc plus it leaves things on a better note considering you work together. Try and look forward to your new life and get excited :-) maybe you could book a girls weekend or something to keep you positive X

How are you today, op? I hope things are moving on well.

There is a word I think you feel but have not been able to articulate: intimidation.
Be careful not to get sucked into a long discussion about why you are leaving. You don't have to explain beyond "I'm not happy so I'm leaving". The more words you use the more ways he has to talk you round and convince you to stay.
If he continues to intimidate or stalk you, report him to the police, dial 101 it's non-urgent. There are laws around these issues.

• if it's non-urgent

Intimidated. That's it.

I have to call him, tell him, then end the conversation.

Tonight I feel betrayed. I saw a message on his phone (he never leaves his phone behind) from the other woman talking about meeting him. Pathetic as I'm leaving, but still betrayed.

I don't see you need to tell him. It'll be pretty obvious, won't it? Or perhaps you feel you need his permission to leave him?

Been there, done that. But I did leave - bliss!

Girl, get on the Freedom Programme at your very earliest convenience. It will set you free, big time.

You can do it. He is an abusive controller (sorry to be so sure) and these types are all remarkably similar. You'll learn all about that on the Freedom Programme, which will break the hold he has over you.

See you on the other side!

I have to tell him or he'll play the victim/ bad mouth me in work, it's best I tell him.

I will look into the freedom programme, that seems like a wise idea.

I look forward to the other side.

Do you work together?

Because if you don't, so what if he plays the victim/bad mouths you? Even if you do work together, so what. People aren't interested in that shit tbh. Most people suspect someone who lays it on big time - and those who don't suspect are a bit thick not worth a moment of your thought.

YOU know why you're leaving. That's enough. (We know why you're leaving - lots of us on here who know exactly what you're going through).

Get through this horrible time - it does pass. And then you come out the other side.

Do email your local Freedom Programme coordinator now soon to get you started. It may take a few days for the coordinator to get back to you, so get the balling.

We're all with you. You're not the first and, sadly, you won't be the last.

'Bad-mouthing' you at work would be a disciplinary offense, I would think. And telling him isn't going to stop him doing it really, is it?

Just concentrate on getting you and your stuff out. If you want to leave a note or send a text, fine. But you really want to avoid actually speaking to him once you're gone. People like him are usually very good at twisting your thoughts around or lying about what you've said to others. Much better to just put a few plain, unemotional words into written form.

He's just announced he's meeting the other girl tonight.

I asked him not to and now I'm being unreasonable, when he's out tonight I may move out.

If you can, do it. Why torture yourself? By his actions tonight he's shown he regards you with contempt.

Call any and all friends you have to help pack you up, rent a van if you have to, but get yourself gone.

May?

Call your friend to come round tonight and help you power pack and get you out of there. Tell her to bring bags and boxes.

Just get out and go.

Go!

After leaving him, get counselling for yourself to get to the bottom of why you might have been sabotaging yourself by being with him. This way it may nit be so easy for him to crawl back.

I'm sitting in the house, with my clothes and essentials packed unable to finish packing and leave.

I don't know why I won't go and stop him treating me like this.

Can you describe the unable?

Maybe look at it differently. You aren't stopping him. You are starting you.