I have a question.....regarding 'ghosting'

[CakeLover0]

Just a question.....
After posting here about being 'ghosted' recently. I can not believe how popular this is. Reading post after post it could of been me writing it.
Going back a year or so when I first started old. I was a little bonkers via text. Learnt lots. Cringe lots. Now consider myself quite chilled and level headed when it comes to old. I won't chase and I don't question myself if I'm rejected. If he's interested he will call bla bla bla.
My question here is.
Do you think these guys need to know they're completely out of order. Why say you are interested if you're not. Why promise the world. How rude are you disappearin? Not in a crazy texting way.
Just in a way of excuse me sir you are RUDE! End of story?

See my intimacy threshold is when I get naked with them. Beyond that point I'm owed and owe somebody ... it's just a shame the threshold for that seems to be so low

So if you decide to get intimate early doors then get hurt, whose fault is it?

I don't think it's exclusive to OLD. People can act very poorly when they've met in the real world. I was with my ex for 3 years, met him at work. We'd talked about marriage, a future etc but he still thought it appropriate to cut all communication and end the relationship by text when he met someone else. I think some people are just self centred and thoughtless. Lots of people lack manners and basic courtesy too.

Ghosting is just the new word for it, we used to call it 'being tangoed'.

LesisMiserable - probably why most people don't then contrary to what's portrayed

LesisMiserable Thu 05-Jan-17 12:22:09

There are women on here who's marriages of years and years have come to an abrupt end and its been a total shock so to expect any kind of surety from a new coupling is putting your happiness and security into the hands of another very cheaply. You owe each other very little. If completely unrealistic platitudes are made early doors, and you suck them up, thats on you. Maybe theyll pan out,maybe they wont. Who can tell when you're virtual strangers.

Bottom line. No expectations, no demands, if you sleep together you're both complicit. If sleeping together means some kind of commitment , dont do it, its not a prize or a contract or a guarantee of anything. Texting does not make a relationship. It means nothing. Its a means to an end and its actually a burden these days more than a help.

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This is a brilliant post from Lesismiserable. Many women want to believe in the fairytale, we've been 'conditioned' to it and so are predisposed to tolerate less-than-perfect all the way through to deplorable behaviour. Men don't have that handicap, they know what they want, see it, take it and walk away if they feel like it. We can't change them, only our own standards of what is ok and what isn't.

That's what I'm teaching my daughter.

I think it's more common to happen from OLD relationships, because you don't share a circle of friends or colleagues who would judge someone.

It used to be, you met through mutual friends, or at least at a place you both go, so you knew if you acted like a dick, other people would hear about it and think you're a dick.

Now, it's all isolated and separate from your daily life. So no judgment, no comeback, no guilt, no problem.

The trouble is most women's standards are so bloody low your daughter will end up alone if she expects decent behaviour.
It blows my mind what done of my ex's - plural - new wives and girlfriends put up with but they are all "in relationships" and better off for it

I also hate this idea that we only have to behave decently if we "owe" someone something, and that that debt isn't built up until a certain length of time has passed. What ever happened to treating fellow human beings as we would like to be treated, with respect and politeness?

If someone holds a door open for me as I leave a shop, I've never met them before, I'll never see them again, they are irrelevant in my life, I don't "owe" them anything. Yet I will always say thank you.

I think lesismiserable's post about having no expectations is one of the most depression statements I've ever read. The day we stop expecting basic civility and decency from our fellow human beings is a sad sad day for humanity.

It's not polite, but the driver isn't meanness either.

Very good post Ellisandra

I agree with all of that post, Mintychoc (except for LesMis's reference) but you say 'thank you' to door holders because you are polite. I'm sure that door holder gets plenty of people waltzing through who don't say thanks. You're undoubtedly more pleasant but the waltzers still get the same consideration. It's not about what's 'owed' it's about what's given (from both sides).

We can have expectations all you want but, unless you interact with somebody who matches those in terms of behaviour, we will be disappointed.

The only thing that we can do is safeguard our emotions as best we can so that we only make available what we're willing to just shrug off. That's my take on it anyway, along the lines of 'expect the best; disregard the rest' but I don't want to be angsting over that myself so I'll put the necessary brakes in place at my designated spot myself.

The day we stop expecting basic civility and decency from our fellow human beings is a sad sad day for humanity.

Thank you Minty. I was beginning to think it was just me feeling sad reading all these posts about how it's all the woman's fault for having sex too soon

Did we say that? I don't recall any posts saying it's a woman's fault for having sex too soon. It's got nothing to do with 'fault', there is no 'fault'. Perhaps it's the man's 'fault'?

LyingWitch I'm referring to posts such as LesIsMiserable's above:

So if you decide to get intimate early doors then get hurt, whose fault is it?

The idea that 'fault' comes into it as far as sex is concerned is quite depressing to me. But I realise everyone views these things differently.

I agree with posters that it is very sad if we accept this as a new norm. There has always been poor manners and cowardly behaviour. It doesn't mean we should accept it. Yes, teach your sons and daughters to guard against ghosting etc but also teach them it is not ok and for them not to do it. I also agree with bant that the old area makes it easier for fosters as no real come back. If you are fair and decent and not cowardly then continue to be so. Teach your children to be so, but yes tell them others might not. Don'the let rudeness become accepted as a norm. Everytime I hold the door for someone and they don't say thank you i think yuk but will continue to hold doors open.

It isn't dinosaur misc assortment, I am not a dinosaur but was raised correctly

frieda, I understand what you mean. I did read it differently, as in the poster whom LesMis was responding to had applied some 'fault' to the man without any being applied to herself, which would be unfair if it was a consensual act.

I don't personally see any 'fault' in consensual sex, whenever it happens, I just think that with that freedom comes some responsibility for ourselves, to take care of our emotions as well as physical needs - and not place expectation on the other person to deliver that for us.

I think both sexes ghost and it's rude of them. Some people are afraid of confrontation and hurting people, others are just dicks.

Well I won't ever accept this kind of behaviour. I won't live my life expecting to be treated badly and modifying my behaviour accordingly. I will do what feels right to me at the time - using sensible judgement of course - and if it doesn't work then they weren't the right person for me. If I get dumped I'll move on. If I get ghosted I'll insist that the ghoster speaks to me and gets a lesson on decent behaviour, and maybe a tutorial on how to end relationships! And then I'll move on.

In this new texting age, we are putting up with things we would never have before. Maybe it makes sense to lay some ground rules from the start. Eg respond to my messages - even if you say you can't reply properly till later. Don't bombard me with messages and respect the times I say i need to be left alone. If you want to end our chatting you need to tell me and I will do the same.
You may get people who will immediately be put off by a list of polite rules, but it weeds out the ones who aren't serious.

Since when did we stop making ourselves clear?

I think that women are always the ones on the defensive when it comes to dating. We seem to chase more, get anxious more, text more, and get less in return. We wait for the man to act and then we respond to match their needs. Why can't we just state what our expectations are and ask reasonable questions of their intentions?

I think lesismiserable's post about having no expectations is one of the most depression statements I've ever read. The day we stop expecting basic civility and decency from our fellow human beings is a sad sad day for humanity.

She's obviously been around some really shit men. You get what you expect in life, and if your expectations are rock bottom, you'll be scraping it.

In this new texting age, we are putting up with things we would never have before

I'm not.

I think txting is for teenagers and imbeciles. I only use it for making arrangements. I don't do text conversations as I simply cannot be arsed.

I'm really not seeing the same as you, Minty, I don't expect shit treatment - and I don't get that sort of treatment. I would do the same as you if I did get it.

What I am saying is that, if I were dating, I know enough now that the situation has changed in that there is pretty much zero accountability on either party now so I won't be giving of myself more than I would shrug off if they turn out to be a shit person. That's what I mean.

Women are generally more vulnerable than men. We think (generally) differently and it can be to our detriment sometimes. In no way is that our fault, I'm not saying that it is, it's the way many of us are. Men generally don't date us and think 'wedding bells' within a couple of dates - many women do. We're programmed to it as well as conditioned albeit I think that the conditioning is starting to be sloughed off.

GloriaGaynor, I don't know why you would think that really. It's a post of self-preservation rather than acceptance of shit behaviour, no?

This whole board is full of women who've been dreadfully let down and hurt. If that's not happened to you then great.

If I get ghosted I'll insist that the ghoster speaks to me and gets a lesson on decent behaviour, and maybe a tutorial on how to end relationships!

how do you make him speak to you and suffer the tutorial?
Will you stalk him and somehow imprison him so that he's forced to hear you deliver your sermon?