I have a question.....regarding 'ghosting'

[CakeLover0]

Just a question.....
After posting here about being 'ghosted' recently. I can not believe how popular this is. Reading post after post it could of been me writing it.
Going back a year or so when I first started old. I was a little bonkers via text. Learnt lots. Cringe lots. Now consider myself quite chilled and level headed when it comes to old. I won't chase and I don't question myself if I'm rejected. If he's interested he will call bla bla bla.
My question here is.
Do you think these guys need to know they're completely out of order. Why say you are interested if you're not. Why promise the world. How rude are you disappearin? Not in a crazy texting way.
Just in a way of excuse me sir you are RUDE! End of story?

Agree frieda

Oh I do! And I'm over it, believe me. It was a few years ago. But this is a thread about ghosting and we're all commiserating about the shittiness of it so... there we are.

Frieda 👍 with a capital S!!!

Don't lower yourself by going off on guys like this. What would the point be? What answer do you think you would get or even want to hear? Just block them, forget them and move on with your life.

I personally wouldn't want to hear anything. Just knowing I have said. 'Pardon! Your behaviour is that of an arse. You need to know this'. Haha I don't know! Just thinking about it yesterday and it makes me angry. OK, they're probably emotionless and won't care but surely even the emotionless would feel a little niggle of 'yes, I'm an arse'

I've never been ghosted and can't imagine thinking I'm in a lovely rl for the guy just to go poof!, I can imagine it would be quite distressing.

But in the early days of casual dating I don't give a fig really as I have no emotional attachment to them and just let it go.

I'm in the process of about to ghost someone as he has came on way too strong for having had 3 dates and a few servings of mooseburgers.
He went away over Christmas and new year so I hoped lack of contact would have petered it out but he got in touch with an overly strong would like to see you asap message and I told him in a nice way that I don't think we should see each other (as you like me way more than I like you).

He since got back saying keep it casual but I don't believe him even if he does.

Trust me, men who do this couldn't give a shit.

Mini - You have told him politely you're not interested. If he doesn't take that on board it's his issue.
If I was told I was take that on board. Absolutely no problem. I'm not everyone's cuppa tea

'Mooseburgers' bwahaha

Obviously I'm not some kind of world authority on dating etiquette and these are just my opinions, but to me if you've sent the 'I don't think we should see each other' text then it's not ghosting. You've told him the situation and even if he's not happy, there's nothing else to say so why continue?

I've made the mistake of trying to be too nice and ended up in a lengthy exchange with a guy I didn't want to see again, and I eventually had to just block him after one final message saying 'I've made myself clear, you won't be hearing from me again'. I guess he thought he could pester me into changing my mind?

I hate this idea that people don't owe eachother anything until they've spent a few years in a relationship. It's just not true. I stood in a queue recently and chatted to someone for about 20 minutes (very long queue). When we finally got to the front and were about to be separated, we said "nice to chat to you, bye". We both felt we "owed" eachother that degree of civility after a 20 minute chat.

So how anyone can say it's remotely acceptable to simply disappear after you've shared bodily fluids with someone makes no sense to me at all.

As I say, no one enjoys rejecting people - it makes us feel bad about ourselves, and we want to like ourselves so we don't enjoy doing it. But it is part of life!

Call me crazy but in my view, if you can't find it in your heart to say "thank for the time we've spent together, but I don't see this going any further" then you shouldn't be dating.

whats ghosting??? is it where they stop contact or go distant?? and cant pin down??

Mintychoc1 Thank you! Exactly! A few dates and/or sex doesn't mean someone 'owes' you a commitment or a relationship, but I think you should at least be able to expect some kind of goodbye!

Wheelycote I define ghosting as when someone you're dating completely stops contact with no warning.

If it is then its happened to me, oh yes a few times. I couldn't not send a message....I trieddddd. I said something along the lines of 'a simple...not for me would have done. Good to know your a coward as I get to say....Not for me thanks'. Something like that....made me feel better. I once got a message back saying....I thought better of you and I replyed...funny I thought you were a good guy....he then only went and asked to meet me. Did I reply that time...did I heck.

I air on the side of sending a message because I'm too hot headed not too and at that point I didn't care what they thought of me or if Id see them again.

Didn't realise there was a term for it :O and that its a thing that happens often :O

Well as someone who's been ghosted and has ghosted, I can agree that it's not nice to be on the receiving end of it.

But, when I was in a relatively short relationship (a few weeks) with a woman a few years ago, and we slept together a few times as she was funny and attractive and I liked her and thought maybe there was a potential relationship there. And then she became weird, and possessive, and jealous. She wanted to meet my kids (after I'd known her for three weeks). She asked me to move in with her. She wanted me to take my kids to her art class so she could meet them. After I'd told her I'd agreed with their mum that my kids wouldn't meet anyone new for 6 months at least

So I called her and said I didn't think it was working out, that I didn't feel we were right, and she was making me uncomfortable. I was polite, but I made it clear that it was over because she was moving things way too fast

And she went nuts. Calling, shouting, crying, talking to mutual friends (who I didn't realise we had) about what an arsehole I was. Insisting I send her my address as she wanted to send me a present. I have no idea what it was, as there was no way I'd tell her where I lived.

So. After that, I ghosted a couple of times, if I had a bad vibe about someone. And often the bad vibe only happens after sex.

Who wants to risk that happening all over again?

Haha ok! Sorry I shouldn't laugh but 'the crazy' made me laugh. I can relate. Such a crazy lady at the beginning. Not meaning to be, obviously!
Naturally you wouldn't ghost. I mean before your 'crazy lady' days so why now.
Some people don't get the hint so the ones that do (me) get ghosted.
Ahh I don't know! 🙈

Ok I don't define ghosting as disappearing after you have told someone it's not working. That imo is fine. It's the misleading then ghosting. Arranging to meet up, or telling them how much you like them etc then disappearing totally. That's ghosting as I see it. For that there is no excuse. It's cowardly and shitty. As I said earlier and other posters you don't do it whether you have dtd or not. You can change your mind at any point but don't say miss you or can't wait to see you them bam. I can't decide whether it is better to highlight the shitty behaviour but then shows you care or ignore the ghosting but then they carry on. Not saying they would stop after you highlighted but the more they get told the more they might realise it isn't acceptable.

in OLD world this happens all the time doesn't it? I've had people assume that because i didn't get back immediately i was dicking them around..i'd already told them i was at work and in a break ..amd people who just get bored and people who claim they've judged my personality on one or two questions about the weather, or assumed i meant i hated them because i said 'nice hat' or something. Its an odd world of missed emotions different modes and people not understand time..

Again, not just ignoring someone after a couple of messages. Ignoring someone you have been seeing, dating or talking to at length. Someone who has shown they want to continue or properly start a relationship and shared things with, either sexual or emotional.

As said in a James Bond film (Casino Royale I think) there is a difference between a man seeing women as "disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits". How true.

Ghosting is also part of the shittiness of internet dating. Perhaps in some men's mind its not really real because you met on the internet its all totally casual so it doesn't count .

I too, am over 50, and do remember a kind of ghosting in a previous era. But I think it was slightly different. If a man you had been seeing for a couple of months didn't ring you for a couple of weeks, you'd probably eventually swallow your pride and ring him. He'd usually give some crap excuse/reason, but he had to say something.

Or if you saw them in the pub and they kind of looked awkward and shuffled away, or worse. When I was younger I think I threw a pint a beer over some jerk who did this to me. Everybody thought I was nuts. But I absolutely knew it was the right thing to do, and had no regrets.

I think the only corrective in Internet Dating today is that because its so difficult to tell people's intentions, its best to hold off on the sharing of deep feelings and bodily fluids until you are alot more sure. But its a very tricky balance, and I 'm not sure I can be bothered with it.

"I think the only corrective in Internet Dating today is that because its so difficult to tell people's intentions, its best to hold off on the sharing of deep feelings and bodily fluids until you are alot more sure."

I think that's right, Streuth. But I also think that a lot of people think that they have created a lot of intimacy with someone before they have even met. A lot of texting, phone calls, then maybe sexting and suddenly they have a 'soulmate' that they haven't met.

So when they do actually meet in person, they are ready to have sex with them quickly because feel they 'know' them so well.

And of course they only 'know' what the other person has told them, not what they have observed first-hand.

So then the problem boils down to having consensual sex is seen as committing to something (the terms of the 'contract' being completely undefineable, they are completely subjective). As I said upstream, if you see it that way you absolutely shouldnt do it.

Les, I think you're right. A very wise woman once told me that 'men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love'. I think that sleeping together implies to most women that there is 'something there', even if that 'something' is not yet defined or verbalized.

I was never into One Night Stands, but back in the 'Disco Days' of the '70s they were pretty common. I can remember friends who would be devastated after a ONS when the guy never called them or treated it as a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' when they thought it was a 'love connection' that would lead to a 'relationship'. I always wondered what on earth my friends were thinking to believe that having sex meant that a virtual stranger felt any attachment or 'fidelity' (for lack of a better word) to them.

I think sex for sex's sake is fine. As long as both parties are very clear that that's what it is.

Isn't ghosting the standard way to dump friends though? I mean, there's an accepted language and etiquette for ending romantic relationships but there's nothing for friendships that aren't working. And if you're a friend that's been ghosted you feel just as hurt. The problem is that you're left with no idea what's gone wrong or how to avoid similar situations. It's a cowardly way to deal with others as well.

It's a such a self focused and cowardly type of behavior, ugh.

I don't like the way it's becoming normalized, but then I think there's something terribly sad about the idea that you can treat others any way or anyhow you feel like doing, because you 'don't owe them anything'. By that premise, people only behave in a kind or polite way if the other person has some kind of claim on them, or passed some kind of intimacy threshold. I'd like to live in a world where people are polite and humane to others just because it's a good way to treat people.

Bah humbug. I guess I'm a dinosaur.