I have a question.....regarding 'ghosting'

[CakeLover0]

Just a question.....
After posting here about being 'ghosted' recently. I can not believe how popular this is. Reading post after post it could of been me writing it.
Going back a year or so when I first started old. I was a little bonkers via text. Learnt lots. Cringe lots. Now consider myself quite chilled and level headed when it comes to old. I won't chase and I don't question myself if I'm rejected. If he's interested he will call bla bla bla.
My question here is.
Do you think these guys need to know they're completely out of order. Why say you are interested if you're not. Why promise the world. How rude are you disappearin? Not in a crazy texting way.
Just in a way of excuse me sir you are RUDE! End of story?

You're preaching to the converted I'm afraid. I think it's a deplorable thing to do however, if you can treat a fellow human with so little respect they really won't give a shit how you feel. Sending messages dumping them per se, is just weird. If you've been blown out, move on with dignity. Sending texts dumping them after is school playground behaviour

This is nothing new. I've been out of the 'dating pool' for over 30 years and it was the same then, we just didn't really have a name for it. You'd meet someone, they'd act all interested, ask for your number, then never call. Or you'd go out with someone once, twice, then no more calls. Heck, you'd even think you were in a relationship then suddenly, no more calls and any calls to them went to their answerphone. The only difference back then was the absence of social media so when someone 'disappeared' they literally disappeared from your life unless you ran into them in a night club (where they'd usually make a beeline for the door). Whereas now you can still (virtually) 'see' the person on FB and on OLD profiles.

It was rude then, it's rude now. I guess the 'saving grace' is that a person who would treat someone so rudely isn't someone you'd want to be involved with anyway.

Nice post Across

Agree Across
Off putting for sure just so annoying!
I guess it's something we have to get used to. Hard to trust anyone nowadays though!
I feel I am quick to judge now.

I wouldn't call it 'quick to judge', I'd call it 'trusting your instincts', Cake. I have a couple of friends who are single again and the one who goes on dates while staying a bit more 'skeptical' of OLD profiles and first impressions seems to be having an easier time of it than the one who seems to be trusting/believing everything she reads/sees.

I'll tell you what though, what I can't get over are the 'dick pics'. I really thought this, erm, 'phenomenon' was pretty rare and basically the stuff of comedy routines. Until Skeptical Friend clued me in mb showing me some of the messages she'd gotten. I was 😱 then 😒 then 😡 then . (They really need a )

mb = by, by showing me!

How did you used to handle it before the internet age? Do the same thing.

unless you got arrested. In that case, do the opposite thing.

if you're not old enough to remember before the internet, then please just bury me in a coffin with a copy of the Friday Ad.

The whole ghosting thing sounds so ridiculous and annoying I'm surprised there are many people bothering with OLD. I couldn't be doing with the mind games so won't be OLDing anytime soon. I think I'm just old fashioned though.

I'm glad so many posters are saying how disgusting it is to ghost. When it seems to be acceptable treatment that scares me more than the ghosters. It is literally saying goes you don't give a f*ck about anyoue unless you want to continue a relationship which is awful.
Haha hunting them down is hilarious and tattoo G on head as a warning

If I was talking to a complete strangers at a bus stop is would still end the convo with a bye. Basic manners.

If I got ghosted I wouldn't be able to resist just one, scathing text letting them know what an asshole they were. Then ignore.

I did get ghosted once about 16 years ago, and sadly I did not react with quite this level of dignity. Sigh.

Definitely need a vom emoji 👍
I want to go back to pre old and meet someone in the old fashioned way but at 39 and a bonkers life, I would find this difficult.
Posted yesterday about finding happy being single. Might just work on that one 😉

I think it's useful to remember that not all ghosting is done by totally callous arseholes.

Sometimes, you've been talking maybe even had that first date... but you're not really feeling it. Not sure how to phrase that (see people on here asking how, quite a few times). Or you're dating / speaking to others too, and you're not sure if you like someone better.

You don't plan to ghost. But because you're not sure what you want, and if you are sure you're worried how to say it... and, you barely know the person so you don't feel massively obligated.

So you don't intend to ghost, but it's now the second day, and you'd normally text every day... you'll find the words tonight. Then... well, he did text last but he hasn't texted again, so - maybe he isn't bothered? (you hope, cos it's easier then)

Next thing you know it's day 3 and you think - well, no more from them, they know you're not interested. So then, isn't it a bit shitty to twist the knife and say "hello again! I'm just popping up to say I don't like you!" Ugh.

So you leave it. Next thing you know, it's a week and you've ghosted them.

Now I haven't ever done that, but I have stalled contacting to close things through awkwardness and I really see how that can happen.

It's not polite, but the driver isn't meanness either.

Completely agree on the being shitty thing. Personally don't understand why you can't turn round to someone and say "I'm not interested, Sorry" but think a lot of it is to do with not dealing with confrontation.
Then again, you could just send that message then block them.

You sometimes see "ghosting" recommended on here though for all relationships that aren't going how you want them to.

"Just quietly drop them OP, it's not worth it."
"I wouldn't bother contacting him/her again OP."
"The best response is no response."
"Don't give them the opportunity to reel you back in."

All forms of "ghosting", but when you're the one doing it it's logical and sensible. Maybe it's logical and sensible to the person who's doing it to you?

I called a few guys out on their behaviour when I was OLD. I don't think it was unreasonable, it was a case of "Pardon me, but your behaviour is not very nice," type of comment. One guy gave me some rambling, nonsensical excuse for his behaviour, the other two called me to apologise. I think guys take the easy way out, which is to ignore it in the hope that it goes away. There's nothing wrong with telling them that it's quite childish imo.

Ghosting is very insulting imo, at the very least one should say 'sorry, this isnt working for me and I have to end it' then no contact and no response

If you do a lot of ghosting there's a good chance you'll ghost someone who takes it badly and wants revenge.
Better to be polite but firm imo

I've ghosted and been ghosted. I think it's just part of life now. and at 50 I remember the pre-OLD and social media days. Like a pp said, we still had the same with guys not calling (or vice versa) but the difference then was that you were never in contact every day the way we seem to be now. If he called after a week, of no contact, that was pretty standard.

I've sent a "I hope you're not dead" message, but only because I hadn't heard from him for over a week after our date/sleep over (ahem) he had a really long drive when he would have obviously been tired. When he replied that he'd been crazy busy (yea right!) I didn't even respond....I really was just concerned whether or not he was dead.

Totally understand Elis.
I get the whole the texting gets less and less (online reading) and give them time and space etc etc.....I did. I was cool and calm. The texts faded to missing a day. Stayed cool and calm. OK he might not me that into me. He isn't sure bla bla bla. I let him text first. Following all the 'let's not turn into a mental case here' rules. He made excuses. He was not interested in anything I was doing. He knew I'd been away. He knew I had a loss over Christmas.
Then boom! Gone! Easy peasy for him. It was rude! Disrespectful!
I get he might not of been feeling it. Sometimes you don't know until after a few dates etc but don't make promises etc. Sleep with you. Say things you don't mean then vanish.
I suppose it is harder nowadays as so much choice and they're everywhere fb, WhatsApp etc. I remember when I met my exH it was soooooooooooo easy then. No second guessing. No trying to follow any rule book. No crazy lady. Haha!

Ps thankyou for all your responses.
Even though it's poop. Nice to know we are not alone in that poop!

There are women on here who's marriages of years and years have come to an abrupt end and its been a total shock so to expect any kind of surety from a new coupling is putting your happiness and security into the hands of another very cheaply. You owe each other very little. If completely unrealistic platitudes are made early doors, and you suck them up, thats on you. Maybe theyll pan out,maybe they wont. Who can tell when you're virtual strangers.

Bottom line. No expectations, no demands, if you sleep together you're both complicit. If sleeping together means some kind of commitment , dont do it, its not a prize or a contract or a guarantee of anything. Texting does not make a relationship. It means nothing. Its a means to an end and its actually a burden these days more than a help.

I get that there are all sorts of legitimate reasons for it, but the thing is there's ghosting and then there's ghosting.

I've been ghosted twice. The first time was after one date. We'd been chatting online for a couple of days, met for a quick coffee, and then he never replied to my follow-up message. I pouted for maybe half a day then forgot all about it until this thread reminded me of it. If it were me, I would still have sent a polite 'thanks but no thanks' kind of message even after only one date, but I get that not everyone would find that necessary. Fair enough.

The second time, though, I'd been dating the guy for over a month and we'd been on some amazing dates. We'd slept together a few times, we had loads to talk about and seemed to have a brilliant time together. We had made tentative plans for another date which he was texting me about that very morning, telling me he was just trying to work out whether to drive or take the train. And then suddenly... nothing. Never heard from him again. THAT is the kind of ghosting that completely messes with your head. A small part of me really did think he might have died! (I have since established that he didn't).

Even if you think it's fair enough to just quietly slip away after one date, I hope you'd agree that suddenly blanking someone who you've spent a signifant amount of time with is decidedly Not Cool?!

The trouble is perspective isnt it frieda to you that was a significant amount of time, but did he think so? Or did he view it as a few dates and some cushy early days sex? Regardless of what he said, his actions were to knock it on the head, in a crap way granted.

Lesson I tell ny 14 dd for when she starts to date in the future. Always always listen to the words but look at the actions, they are where the truth lies.

Exactly, it was in a crap way. I didn't think it was a serious relationship, we were just having lots of fun, but to me it's a matter of basic manners. I don't just suddenly ignore people I've been chatting to and hanging out with, whether I'm sleeping with them or not!

You dont be he does. What can you do? Feel good that youre a better person