I posted on mumsnet and you helped me see that i was being controlled and i kind of knew it. The last few months got worse and worse. Cycles of emotional abuse, got closer and closer but in truth its been years. 10 years since we met and 9 yeqrs married. 2 kids 17 and 7 dds, oldest its the only dad she has ever known.
I started to plan to escape but i dont think i ever would. There has also been financial abuse, some sexual abuse and violence.
19th dec he started shouting early and after days of low level mental cruelty and him being in physical pain (hes got a back ppoblem) i got scared and i started shouting. Not the first time i snapped and i was shouting over and over im scared of you please im scared of you. I stay quite calm mostly but i do shout back at times but ive flipped out a few times big like this usually when the abuse coincided with my period and pmt and i couldnt take no more.
It upset the kids and i was scared so i decided to pack a few things for the three of us and go to my mums. Later that day he held a knife at me in the kitchen.
The next day when i returned to get more things he strangled me twice and joked that i was lucky to be on my period as otherwise he would force me.
He was ill and in pain but i stayed away till christmas eve, he saw me briefly with the kids mosts days for a couple of mins when i got more clothes or did washing but mostly i refused to talk to him past hello/goodbye saying i needed space to think. We argued xmas eve and he came round my mums and shouted there.
Then finally i got him to agree to get some help this was moments after he held scissors to my neck.
Then it felt calmer and i thought it was okay.
The 30th he said he wanted a divorce. He had had enough.
So yes i knew i should leave and i left but i wanted to go back and sort it out.
I didnt and still dont feel ready to move on.
I almost posted xmas week about please stop me going back to my husband.
I then almost posted for advice on divorce.
Now im just posting as i know a divorce was needed but how can i reconcile my mind and heart.
I came home yesterday and moved back in as we agreed to tell the girls gently together that we are divorcing.
In his mind he has done nothing wrong he calls the strangling only a joke. He says i cause him stress and he wants to marry a girl from his own country so language, religion and culture are no longer a problem. Fine but he never felt this before.
Before he was begging me to talk to him and brought me a card xmas eve which he then ripped up on xmas day.
I read it and it was all apologies fine then the next week like im dead to him.
So i opened his facebook and found messages from an old girlfriend. Throughout our relationship she would message him saying how much she loved him and one time he rang her after an argument. After reading a message from her. 6 months no messages and then the 22nd she contacted him and he replied. Then they messaged mulitple times a day and now he says after we are divorced he will marry her.
He cant understand why i am hurt and i shouldnt be upset as we did not connect and hes scared that one day he will go too far and hurt me.
Still taking no responsibilty that he has hurt me physically and emotionally and the kids.
But please why am i almost begging him to change his mind?
Why when i was trying to escape?
Now i will move away and start anew, divorced but the next second bereft and wanting my husband.
In one breath he says he wants to get married but if he does its to her but its a if but im not allowed to get anyone and if he finds out i had a boyfriend he will make trouble and problems.
He said if i got a man and even if he heard the kids didnt like it he would kill me and kill the man.
Over the last few days ive kept my calm and just talked and talked to him reasoning that he cant stop me moving away and one day i will remarry a good man, i hope and he cant stop that.
Its feels a little better but its in the back of my head that im screwed and he may do anthing anyway.
Im being so good and calm with him calmer than i was alot of the time but my 7yo is crying every moment which is understandable.
He goes friday or sat to a bedsit.
Its taken still today to arrange.
I came home yesterday as he asked to make it good for the girls to see us together, no arguing and be calm and tell them togther as hes scared they will hate him as he wont see them as much as not living with them. He told them that even if he moves back to his country and has more children they are welcome and hes still dad.
From the first talk of him saying i want divorce, he said im still young and want to remarry (im 38 snd hes 32) and have kids and then he lied over a couple of days until in one talk , he finally admitted it what he was planning to divorce me and marry this girl. After 8 days of messages where he blamed me for being at my mums when he was sick and in pain and not talking to him when he needed me.
So my questions are what can i do?
One minute i feel i had a lucky eacape and the next i feel so sad and want to beg him to stay.
I have agreed to travel to his country feb or march to sort out the things we have there and the kids to see family because he thinks after that i will bring them yearly or let them go without me with him.
I wont go ever again and so i owe it to them to say goodbye.
Am i in my rights when divorced to not let them go as i will fear for their safety?
When i move it will be so he doesnt know where i live so im not looking over my shoulder so is this ok?
He said he must know where i live as he was talking some magical existence where he has new wife and kids and i stay in this house not allowed to move or have a boyfriend or remarry. The kids must visit him and i must say nice things about him and new wife.
Im thinking im living in a parellel universe and still if he said tomorrow lets stay married i may agree.
Whats wrong with me?
Please talk to me to signpost me to help, tell me your own experiences and help me get through this.
Thanks