Please help with divorce and ea husband. Sorry for such a long op.

[flirtygirl]

I posted on mumsnet and you helped me see that i was being controlled and i kind of knew it. The last few months got worse and worse. Cycles of emotional abuse, got closer and closer but in truth its been years. 10 years since we met and 9 yeqrs married. 2 kids 17 and 7 dds, oldest its the only dad she has ever known.

I started to plan to escape but i dont think i ever would. There has also been financial abuse, some sexual abuse and violence.

19th dec he started shouting early and after days of low level mental cruelty and him being in physical pain (hes got a back ppoblem) i got scared and i started shouting. Not the first time i snapped and i was shouting over and over im scared of you please im scared of you. I stay quite calm mostly but i do shout back at times but ive flipped out a few times big like this usually when the abuse coincided with my period and pmt and i couldnt take no more.

It upset the kids and i was scared so i decided to pack a few things for the three of us and go to my mums. Later that day he held a knife at me in the kitchen.

The next day when i returned to get more things he strangled me twice and joked that i was lucky to be on my period as otherwise he would force me.

He was ill and in pain but i stayed away till christmas eve, he saw me briefly with the kids mosts days for a couple of mins when i got more clothes or did washing but mostly i refused to talk to him past hello/goodbye saying i needed space to think. We argued xmas eve and he came round my mums and shouted there.

Then finally i got him to agree to get some help this was moments after he held scissors to my neck.
Then it felt calmer and i thought it was okay.

The 30th he said he wanted a divorce. He had had enough.

So yes i knew i should leave and i left but i wanted to go back and sort it out.

I didnt and still dont feel ready to move on.

I almost posted xmas week about please stop me going back to my husband.
I then almost posted for advice on divorce.

Now im just posting as i know a divorce was needed but how can i reconcile my mind and heart.

I came home yesterday and moved back in as we agreed to tell the girls gently together that we are divorcing.

In his mind he has done nothing wrong he calls the strangling only a joke. He says i cause him stress and he wants to marry a girl from his own country so language, religion and culture are no longer a problem. Fine but he never felt this before.

Before he was begging me to talk to him and brought me a card xmas eve which he then ripped up on xmas day.

I read it and it was all apologies fine then the next week like im dead to him.

So i opened his facebook and found messages from an old girlfriend. Throughout our relationship she would message him saying how much she loved him and one time he rang her after an argument. After reading a message from her. 6 months no messages and then the 22nd she contacted him and he replied. Then they messaged mulitple times a day and now he says after we are divorced he will marry her.

He cant understand why i am hurt and i shouldnt be upset as we did not connect and hes scared that one day he will go too far and hurt me.
Still taking no responsibilty that he has hurt me physically and emotionally and the kids.

But please why am i almost begging him to change his mind?
Why when i was trying to escape?
Now i will move away and start anew, divorced but the next second bereft and wanting my husband.

In one breath he says he wants to get married but if he does its to her but its a if but im not allowed to get anyone and if he finds out i had a boyfriend he will make trouble and problems.

He said if i got a man and even if he heard the kids didnt like it he would kill me and kill the man.

Over the last few days ive kept my calm and just talked and talked to him reasoning that he cant stop me moving away and one day i will remarry a good man, i hope and he cant stop that.

Its feels a little better but its in the back of my head that im screwed and he may do anthing anyway.

Im being so good and calm with him calmer than i was alot of the time but my 7yo is crying every moment which is understandable.

He goes friday or sat to a bedsit.
Its taken still today to arrange.

I came home yesterday as he asked to make it good for the girls to see us together, no arguing and be calm and tell them togther as hes scared they will hate him as he wont see them as much as not living with them. He told them that even if he moves back to his country and has more children they are welcome and hes still dad.

From the first talk of him saying i want divorce, he said im still young and want to remarry (im 38 snd hes 32) and have kids and then he lied over a couple of days until in one talk , he finally admitted it what he was planning to divorce me and marry this girl. After 8 days of messages where he blamed me for being at my mums when he was sick and in pain and not talking to him when he needed me.

So my questions are what can i do?
One minute i feel i had a lucky eacape and the next i feel so sad and want to beg him to stay.

I have agreed to travel to his country feb or march to sort out the things we have there and the kids to see family because he thinks after that i will bring them yearly or let them go without me with him.
I wont go ever again and so i owe it to them to say goodbye.

Am i in my rights when divorced to not let them go as i will fear for their safety?

When i move it will be so he doesnt know where i live so im not looking over my shoulder so is this ok?

He said he must know where i live as he was talking some magical existence where he has new wife and kids and i stay in this house not allowed to move or have a boyfriend or remarry. The kids must visit him and i must say nice things about him and new wife.

Im thinking im living in a parellel universe and still if he said tomorrow lets stay married i may agree.

Whats wrong with me?

Please talk to me to signpost me to help, tell me your own experiences and help me get through this.
Thanks

He's violent and dangerous. Strangling you is not a joke, it's a huge warning, as it would be so easy for him to wait a few seconds longer and kill you.

Keep him away from you and your children.

I'm so glad you've got your children's passports elsewhere. Do not even consider travelling out of the UK with him, and them, as you might suddenly find yourself unable to return or unable to bring the children home with you.

Tell the police now, tell them everything, and keep you and your children safe. And do this sooner rather than later. You are in a very dangerous situation and I am seriously worried about you.

I wish you luck.

Thanks, Ive left wa a message and hes back son, ive found some paperwork, been searching the house since i got up and noticed when ive been out hes been moving things.

I feel really on edge and scared but ill go to my mums when he comes home (that way i can give her what ive found) , ill have to leave dd7 as she doesnt want to come with me, ill ring wa again from there and ill come back later.

If you can't get to your mum's on days when you unearth paperwork you can always stick it in an envelope and post it to her. Sometimes it's easier to get to the shops than to make a visit. Just a thought.

But bearing in mind how violent he's already been, if I were you I'd try to get to the police right now, and ask them to remove him if they can.

I'm sorry to harp on about this but strangling someone is a huge red flag and people who know about domestic violence recognise it as a major warning sign that the person is very dangerous. When he's also held knives or scissors to your throat--awful. Get away from him as soon as you can.

Another poster who says do not under any circumstances go to his country or take the children t his country. You would be an absolute fool to do so.

However much you think you love him (and once you are free of him all that will disappear) this is a violent and abusive man. Do not be alone with him and do not leave your DC with him.

Hi i was at my mums and getting details of the freedom programme today.

I know i need to do this so he cant mess with my mind as ill have to co parent with him.

I know you are all right, ive just never called the police on him and now i think if he sticks to moving out and i change the locks, its better as ill move house completely as soon as i can. I own the house from before we were married and he doesnt seem interested in it.

He packed all his clothes and most belongings today and took them to the bedsit. Hes here tonight and tomorrow night then thats it.

He knows where i am and my routine and if i call the police, i really think ill antagonise him more.

We talked about the divorce and hes coming across as reasonable (compared to sometimes) but he said that im not to have any man in the house or there would be trouble and tomorrow hes giving me the rules of what i can and cant do with the dds.

I have to be firmer with my dds as they do talk to me like he does sometimes espescially dd7.

I just want it logged with the police for the divorce but i still feel i need to keep him happy until then as he really can make my life a misery.

I know i seem weak and everyone thinks im strong irl so i never admitted what was happenning, i spoke with a friend today and told the truth.

Its so strange now ive admitted it on here, to my mum, wa and a friend. I feel lighter.

Police next but only if they log it as i know you think im crazy but he once told me he would set me on fire if i ever did and i believe him. Also whats the point of 24 hrs away when arrested, when he knows where i am. It would make him angry and I own the house so i cant just walk away and get rehoused.

Isnt it better to stay put, work with him, and when divorced then move away for good. At least ill be safe then and if i keep him on side and hes moved out, he cant hurt me.

Talked to wa again and made myself actually say the words.

Im not open though, im more open on here as it typing but to actually say the words out loud, im finding really difficult.

She told me more about what the police would do, im going to talk to the domestic violence police officer.

When he goes she said exactly like spinner about changing locks and panic alarm.

Im going to read about claires law as i never knew it applied but sounds like what i need to do with logging.

Im just scared as police could charge him and arrest him without my say so if they deem the violence severe and it has been recently.

I was given the victim support referral no as in my area they have a domestic abuse worker and from them i should get more support.

Thanks to all who have listened. Ill be busy as hes out now but back later.

Even if he does move out, you will likely need a non-mol order to keep him away - very few abusive men leave their exes alone - and he's already warned you what will happen if you have another man round and is preparing to give you rules about the kids. So you will have to be in contact with police over that anyway.

Well done OP. Stick to your guns, you know it's the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, do NOT let him take the children to see his family without legal advice first please. Even if you went with them. You and the children would be at risk.

Hi yes im trying to think of ways to delay then postpone then delay trip abroad without antagonising him.

I didnt give any details to the police as they said depending on what i say and the level of violence they may choose to charge him even without my agreement. The same applies with claires law if i disclose.

Victim support was good but upsetting and they did a telephone risk assessment to see what they woukd offer me for emotional support.

I didnt need to give my name to wa but i did have to give it to victim support and that was hard, first hearing me say what was happenning then giving my name and address.

I dont link me with what happens, i am not that person and for years ive been saying its not that bad and it doesnt affect me, its ok.

Nearly all of his things are now packed except shed garage etc. Really he will have no reason to come in the house, he will say the kids but i need to find a way to separate that also.

Im still really conflicted so i cant wait for him to go as i want to beg him to stay but i wont.

I almost cried today when i saw a couple in the street holding hands and thought i will never do that with him again. However i reminded myself that i limited trips out with him as never knew when he would flip out at me or be jealous or just act like he was doing me a massive favour.

Mumsnet is great, im a real lurker on many threads but the women on here give great advice. to you all.

I've said it before, leave before he kills you.

Who will look after your kids when you're dead and he's in jail, what will there lives be like?

I would without doubt go to the police, he's threatened you with knives, scissors and rape. He should be locked up, he's a pathetic excuse of a human being.

Don't subject your kids to that kind of life.

*their lives, not there!

Hes asleep.

Victim support didnt tell me the outcome of the risk assessment only that it would help them decide what support they could offer me and they will get back to me.

Earlier today i wanted him, now i just want him gone.

I know ill flick back and forth but ive just got to stay strong until he is out of my life for good.

Im finding paperwork and ive discovered so many lies and half truths. All the time he was controlling me and doing everything and anything he wanted.

I actually thought he was a good man with a bad temper. I thought anger management would help him. I didnt know the half of it.

I thought it was me. I still kinda believe i did wrong sometimes as im not perfect but it wasn't me, was it?

This is toughening me up and now im playing docile but im no longer docile. I just need to get him out if my life.

Ill ring 101 again and make an appt to do a clares law disclosure.

Im starting the divorce next week but this will be on my terms not his.
Ill play like im doing exactly what he wants but ill make sure i sort it properly for me and dds.

Im sad and im sure it will get worse and i feel halfdead but i felt like that many times before, when my husband was so mean to me but yet i still had to carry on with the day to day and looking after my kids.

At least this will end, the last years seemed to have no end.

Please consider going to the police. If you don't there will be no actual proof of his physical abuse or threats further down the line when you are discussing contact or him taking the dc abroad. Anything you say about him threatening you with knives or strangling you will be dismissed as he said she said snd not taken into account.
You may also get legal aid for the divorce if you have this evidence.

Sorry Spinner, No not coping.
Went drs again today and spoke a little about it and she was taping away, then sat in my car and cried for next 30 minutes.

He came round today to see kids and i went out. I just went to move away and all this to be over.

Im just waiting for support, havent slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night since before xmas.

Im not getting back with him and im going to get a divorce but its bloody hard.

Thanks, ive been referred but waiting to hear. Apart from mumsnet i am alone. I cant tell my mum too much as shes ill and i really cant burden her. Im trying to look after her too and my kids and i know it will get better.
Ive just got to get through this bit now and its like quicksand.