is there somekind of cycle/ emotional rollercoaster felt when you go nc?

[wizzywig]

me and my husband have gone nc with his parents and siblings. long story but they are narcissists and are very happy in their emeshed family set up. we broke away from it.
Whenever there are big occasions, eg, christmas, wedding anniversarys, birthdays, we tend to both feel very tense, and it feels like we are back on that horrible rollercoaster where you dissect everything they ever did and we have to go through the "we did the right thing didnt we?" process.

Is this normal? I just want to feel nothing towards them forever more. it
just seems that if we are in a situation, eg, we go away for a break, i get this instant, subconscious thought of "oh no, we havent told them we are going away. they wont know where we are, they wont like that". how long does it take for them to be out of our heads? thanks

gluteus firstly, i love that name!! and i totally agree with your statement: if I ever fuck up, I'll be begging my children for forgiveness and a chance to make it right.
beucase thats what loving parents/ family do. we adapt, we respond to changes. we allow them to have their personalities/ likes and dislikes. we encourage them to grow.

Absolutely! I encourage my kids to develop their own likes/dislikes. I was a carbon copy of them as a child, their opinion was my opinion. As long as I did as I was told, all was well (sort of).

I think that's why sometimes it's hard to go NC. You know there are sexually and physically abusive parents out there, and you can't justify - 'but they said this to me and I got upset' - no one would understand.

Also, as a small child you can remember christmas/birthdays - and think 'but I got presents, right, so it can't have been that bad'.

But as a small child, you don't know anything else, and the batshit only really kicks in when you start to dare to have your own opinion. Being a teen with narc parents, not good!

It's all very complicated and complex, but am grateful I came out the other side, have an amazing DH and 3 amazing children. I have a chance to give them everything I didn't have

Busyhomemaker - my mother was also 'heart borken', 'will never get over it', 'devastated' about me choosing to go NC and told anyone who would listen all about how much I had hurt her. No mention, obviously, of the 30 odd years of hurt and pain that I have had to endure. They love to paint themselves as the reasonable one, the 'victim' and you as the instigator. Accepting that many many people will only know the version of me that she has chosen to create is one of the hardest things of all. In my last conversation I had with my brother he listed a load of things that I had supposedly said and done to my mother, many of which were not even possible, and all her examples of how I was this person that neither me or my husband remotely recognised. It was at that point that I knew I had to give up on him because there are only so many times you can say 'but it didn't happen like that' without sounding like the irrational person they think you are.

Oh and yes to them being happy when i have been doing badly. they were positively gleeful when I got divorced, despite it being the lowest time of my life.

I don't agree with the forgiveness either.

Gluteus, your mum sounds EXACTLY like mine. Uncanny.

mistermagpie I haven't actually gone NC, I've been considering LC for some time and been trying to establish boundaries. The reason my parents are hurt (and telling people about it!?) is that the family did not spend Boxing Day together, as is our tradition. They are hurt because my DD has spent a lot of time with her father over Christmas (I had her last year), the know that this in written into the court order so I can't change it. Next year she will spend Christmas with me. We decided to have a quiet Christmas at home, also DP was rushed to hospital last Christmas Day so we wanted minimal drama for a change. We only had DD for Boxing Day so that became our Christmas Day! They were supposed to come round but didn't, blaming me for changing tradition... "We never said we would come round (they did, on 3 separate occasions), we are so hurt you have chosen not to spend Boxing Day with us this year, our family is broken why would you do this? We don't feel loved!"

After receiving a couple of awful Facebook messages (essays!) I replied that I needed some space and told them facebook was no longer an appropriate platform for communication between us so will be unfriending them, which I did. (They kept adding me into groups in order to have a go at me for others to see.) That was yesterday that I sent that response.

They haven't given DD a Christmas present and she's had a little cry over that but somehow they think their behaviour is justified because I decided to put my family first.

I shudder to think what their response would be if I told them I was going NC!

So much I want to say. I think all this is triggering a relapse (chronic illness) and my brain and fingers won't work together.

SO relieved about the forgiveness thing. I don't agree either.

Re: Complex PTSD. I am no expert and only just at the beginning of my journey. It's likely though that I have developed this due to other long-term life 'challenges' and the drip, drip accusations of bonkers PIL have triggered it again.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape

Ring any bells? My DB still thinks PTSD is only experienced by ex-veterans but it explains that long-term childhood trauma can result in 'Complex PTSD'. The 'personal witchhunt' by my PIL has just set off memories of childhood trauma for me which may or may not be C-PTSD. Read the characteristics here:

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd

Does that help wizzy? I can't claim the credit for these links. I'm pretty sure I found them from some other kind MNetters. I actually can't remember where tho

Accepting that many many people will only know the version of me that she has chosen to create is one of the hardest things of all - this is very hard. Most people I bump into now think I'm mentally unstable.

One lady I knew as a friend before, literally couldn't believe her eyes when she saw me. Laughing, smiling, joking with DH about something - she looked happy to see me, but couldn't get over how well I looked. 'You look...amazing. Er, wow, yeah, how are you? I mean, you look great, you look really happy, REALLY happy' blah blah blah that sort of thing. I think I've been painted out to be this loner/recluse person, but she could see I wasn't! God knows what else they've said. But no one will speak to us that we knew via family before.

It was at that point that I knew I had to give up on him because there are only so many times you can say 'but it didn't happen like that' without sounding like the irrational person they think you are.

Oh YES!! This, exactly. Never underestimate how much a narc can twist things so no matter what, YOU are the nutty fruitcake, not them.

I could literally pour out for hours on this subject, I have to restrain myself!

Birdandsparrow - it's weird reading about someone else's mum and seeing your own...many 'I could have written that!' moments. I am so grateful for the internet, or no doubt I'd still be in their clutches.

The thing about people having my mum's version (obvs painting me as a total CUNT) is something I find really hard. She did tat to the people she sold her house to when she stormed off to her home country and they still blank me when I bump into them. For that alone I will never ever forgive her, even if she asked, which she won't as of course it's all my fault, nothing she did, oh no, she's the poor victim.

That's right. They're the victim, not you. And people will generally believe a mother over a child (even though you're an adult).

Unless you've been there, then you get that some mum's are batshit crazy. If you haven't, and you've no experience of it, then you tend to believe the poor mother who's wayward/difficult daughter is a bitch and has treated her so badly. Because why would anyone make that up?

But when you've seen batshit first hand, you know that anything is possible...

It was at that point that I knew I had to give up on him because there are only so many times you can say 'but it didn't happen like that' without sounding like the irrational person they think you are.
Yes me too!!! People believe them because they cry and get over emotional. It all makes sense why their extended family all blank me. Theyve been told god knows what about me. The worst worst thing was that my husband believed all this about me too. It was only when he started counselling that he realised I wasn't this evil person with whom he had kids with.

Totally nodding along to the last 2 posts. It puts you in a total no win situation as you just look as insane or even more so if you try to defend yourself or explain. I did talk to the people who bought her house and try to explain, once it had filtered back to me what she'd said, but he obviously didn't believe me, but then my mum has always been very convincing, she's a real master of that.
For that alone I really really hate my mum for doing that to me. So, no forgiveness here.

Oh definitely the more you explain or defend yourself, the more unhinged you look! So you just have to let their version of events stand. This is what I have found so hard to deal with, I just feel so misunderstood,^^ and no matter how desperately I try to make myself understood I know I'm up against people who are experts in self-justification and making themselves the victim.

busyhomemaker that was all due to boxing day? oh my god. words fail me. was it the first boxing day that you had missed? not that it makes any difference as you are your child's parent. you can spend your time with whom you want.

i read a ptsd webpage that said you can go numb/ robot like when in stressful situations that cause you anxiety. and i thought is that why i literally had to gee myself up to get out of the car or open the front door when we would visit or they would come over. id always end up over eating so that i looked as though i was busy and 'doing something'. i would be like this stiff mannequin. all yes sir, no sir, i have no opinion, please ignore me, everything i say will be twisted. all larger family gatherings would mean all these 'hilarious' private jokes, speaking in their own made up baby language (literally, there would be grown up's talking with baby voices and kiddy language, like i go poo poo now), noone uses their own names, they are all referred to with their made up nicknames, like uncle tinky winky and aunty iggle piggle and constantly reminiscing about what they did when they were kids). it was so bizarre. once a person came round who had similarly been shunned as she was not good enough to be married into their family. noone talked to her. she spent all her time with other peoples kids.

if all of us here met up and talked about out narcissistic families, we would literally sit there with our eyebrows raised the whole time. the situation is so bizarre.

If she'd mistreated me so badly I'd ended up physically crippled then nobody would expect me to forgive her.

Absolutely x

jeez ubuiquity im so so sorry to hear that.

i literally hit rock bottom yesterday. husband stood up for his family and i just let loose at him "why do i even bother with you" "you are a waste of time""nothing will ever change". ive never spoken to him like that. we've never spoken to each other like that. im at the point where i just want out. i cant bear to see him. im not making his dinner, im not doing anything for him. if i could easily do it, id take the kids to a local airbnb and just stay there for a week til i calm down.

That sounds really hard, Wizzy.

You said in your OP that you were both nc with him... but he saw them at Christmas? My guess is that this unsettled him, and was unsettling for you as well.

Sadly I think nc sometimes has to mean nc but your husband will have to come to that conclusion himself.

hi imbroglio, sorry im nc, he was/ is lc. he saw them at christmas as two of the kids wanted to see their grandparents. he is still in a facebook or whatsapp group with them. i started getting texts from my sil a few days ago.
yeah i know its his journey. and i know that i am behaving like a kid. its just he wont talk about it. if i say anything, he says i am trying to manipulate him. ive kept the website for all that great narc info open in the hope that he will read it, but i know he wont. its like i have to wait for him to realise everything. i know i do, but im fed up with it all. i feel like i want to do a julie andrews and run down a swiss mountain singing "the hills are alive!" as my world just feels so dark (weather doesnt help either). i just want some sunshine, laughter and lightness in my life.

He's having a wobble. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated.

I haven't been in your shoes so I don't really know what to suggest, other than trying to stay out of it for now. At some point there will be another horrible episode and you need to be there for him.

The danger is that if he's wobbling but you are steadfast, the family will try to convince him that you are the unreasonable/rude one. You probably represent a huge threat to them.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself.

OP

you are letting them win.

He will have wobbles, the psychological damage is huge. It isn't something he can just switch off. It will resurface now and again. He needs support (so do you).

I do understand the frustration, believe me, but narcissists victims are so battered by their experience....

I'd suggest couples therapy, but with someone who specialises in narcissm as a way forward for you as a couple.

God whizzy, this sounds crap. So sorry.

It must be so frustrating! DH had to wait for me to see the light, it wasn't easy. It all started for me when I googled 'why doesn't my mother love me'.

All this narcissism info came up, and that was the start of my journey.

I don't know what to suggest really. But it would be so sad for his batshit family to drive a wedge between you. But that is what they do best!

Maybe when it's calm again, give him stuff to read. It really isn't easy. Everything I have ever read on the subject always say NC not LC.

LC is very difficult to manage and still retain sanity.

Hope you're ok. It's Friday, have some