is there somekind of cycle/ emotional rollercoaster felt when you go nc?

[wizzywig]

me and my husband have gone nc with his parents and siblings. long story but they are narcissists and are very happy in their emeshed family set up. we broke away from it.
Whenever there are big occasions, eg, christmas, wedding anniversarys, birthdays, we tend to both feel very tense, and it feels like we are back on that horrible rollercoaster where you dissect everything they ever did and we have to go through the "we did the right thing didnt we?" process.

Is this normal? I just want to feel nothing towards them forever more. it
just seems that if we are in a situation, eg, we go away for a break, i get this instant, subconscious thought of "oh no, we havent told them we are going away. they wont know where we are, they wont like that". how long does it take for them to be out of our heads? thanks

I wouldn't suggest showing them your list - it's for you, to quieten that horrible self-doubting voice.

I've got a couple of stand-out examples of times my people have behaved really badly which I mentally revisit when I am having doubts. I remember those moments when they are trying to reel me back in, It's hard to deal with the 'sweet as pie' emails and cards. Its easy to say 'no, thank you' when you have a mental image of a particular mad phone call or mind-fucking re-interpretation of the facts.

And yes - I know where you are coming from when you say it might be easier if there was physical violence, though you know they would almost certainly deny that as well.

It's funny but when people ask why I am NC I can't really find the words to tell them, and I have considered counselling but haven't done it as I would find it so hard to put into words what has happened. It has been so incremental and over so many years that I can't really dissect it all and come up with one reason. But that's how it works with narcs, they chip away at you and make you doubt yourself. All I know is that I am happier and healthier without them in my life.

There are the stand-out moments though as the poster above says, and I revisit these in my mind when I doubt my decision.

I haven't found it to be static. There were years, decades, where it was just peace. And half the time I forgot I had parents I was estranged from... until somebody asked me about my family and I'd jerk back into reality with the need to smudge the truth in my response.

There have been other times, sometimes fleeting, other times enduring, when the loss of "what should have, could have, been" has weighed heavily.

I think maybe flexibility to go with the emotional flow might be a useful attribute. I'd have vastly preferred a tidy, over and done with feeling. But didn't get one. So am still working on building up the flexibility to rise and fall less clumsily with the ebb and flow of how much I miss who I wish we had been together.

_*I think you have to remind yourself that narcs (assuming that this is why you need to go nc) are not normal like you.

They are hollow shells of beings with no sense of empathy, consequence or normal emotions.*_

This.

I know what you mean, mister. For years (most of my life!) I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. There were a couple of fairly significant things but they were fairly isolated incidents and seemed like aberrations/one-offs. I consider myself quite lucky that things became more clear-cut eventually because I could cut the rope which was pulling me down.

You don't need to make a list. They're narcs. This means disposal of the total kind....

And no return.

Good luck, it's not easy but you are going to be so much happier.

those memories that you all speak of that you use as a reminder are ones that i try to bury as i just dont want to beleive it actually happened. being told to stop breastfeeding as i was taking away their grandchild from them, saying im a gold digger, wanting a pre-nup, abusive phonecalls at work. full on shouting/ ranting (town cryer style) sessions at a place of worship, tears at our wedding, silence and blank expression when we said we were haivng a baby, a vicious vicious wedding day speech where they humiliated me and my husband, being left out of family wedding photos, and on and on we go. but apparently this is just not the case, and if only i could just fit in it would be ok.

That's such an eloquent post 0nline, especially this bit:
So am still working on building up the flexibility to rise and fall less clumsily with the ebb and flow of how much I miss who I wish we had been together.

I think that is part of what happens in the early days of NC, the wanting not to think about the awfulness, but also been unable to stop all the memories swirling, I think it's shock really. It does fade. It pops back up again from time to time and these cycles go round and round but the feelings lessen and you put them back in their box faster with time, once there is really no contact at all. But it takes time, a lot of time.

wizzy .

What helps me sometimes is to remember that our experience is just part of a much bigger and older picture. There is 'stuff' which the family is desperately trying to contain and control. They are stuck floundering in their own mess. But you don't have to be stuck there with them - in fact, the chances are they know you are not shackled in the same way and it drives them crazy. I have lost count of the times I have been told I 'have to' or 'must' do something I know isn't right, or pressurised to accept some appalling behaviour. I've been called 'disgusting' for setting and keeping my own perfectly reasonable boundaries.

OP, I could have written your post as I am currently experiencing the same feelings. We do ok most days but any major event hurts as it is a constant reminder of the loss of a relationship, even if it is for the best. It's so hard to stay NC as I keep wanting to try and fix everything. I am trying to remember that it is beyond my power. Good luck

Ah, I've found my people.

wizziwig I could have written your latest post above.

And yes Bird the unable to stop memories swirling resonates!

Question: How does everyone deal with it, if you are NC but your partner has decided to maintain an occasional low-key relationship with their narcissistic DP's?

I could never ask DH not to see them (his choice) and I generally cope ok with what happened. BUT I struggle with phone calls and visits knowing that he is in reach of people who have continued with a barrage of emotional manipulation in the past.

These are clever, clever people who are used to getting what they want. I don't trust them.

.....I have just deleted some of the things they did/said as it just didn't seem believable...

He was originally enmeshed in the FOG but he says he's not blackmail-able anymore. He has reduced calls/visits but says he feels a sense of duty to see them.. I am not coping on the emotional roller coaster though. I think you're right Bird it's the shock of remembering how truly awful they were every single bloody time. "A Witch-hunt" one of my friends said I need coping strategies to deal with my emotions that someone I love so much still wants contact with such vile people.

for anyone going through it.

It must be really hard being the partner of someone wih relatives like this, especially if you are NC with the in laws and your partner is only LC with them. I'm "lucky" in that the awful, toxic person in my life is my mother, so I don't have to deal with someone else's realtionship with her iyswim, I am NC and that's that. My kids are too little to have an independent relatiosnhip with her and my brother, although LC, hates her as much as I do.

woodland I don't know. It must be so difficult to have to make room for them, but it would be wrong to insist that he cuts contact if he doesn't want to. If they found out they would blame you! Do you have children? Do you have to see them/speak to them yourself?

We are NC with my MIL and BIL due to their narcissistic and abusive behaviour. It breaks my heart that they are treating DH in such a terrible way. I can't understand how a mother can treat her son like she has. Funnily enough he is coping better than me. Probably because they all of a sudden blame me for their behaviour

OP I know what you mean about wanting to bury the memories rather than revisit them and I think it comes down to your earlier question about forgiveness. I have moved one from the early pain and questioning and the 'rollercoaster' but am not yet in a place of forgiveness to be honest. Perhaps mentally revisiting these terrible situations is holding me back from that but I don't feel I dwell on them, more that when I think 'could we maybe one day resume contact?' I remind myself that of course we can't and this is why. It helps that the last horrible thing that happened was witnessed by my DH - too often in the past nobody has seen or heard what happened and I found myself doubting my own memory of events. This is not helped by the fact that my parents like to rewrite history and pretend things didn't happen.

I have forgiven my brother and never think about horrible, misguided things he has said and done - he is too stupid and too in my mothers thrall to know any different, it's not his fault.

Sad but happy I've read this thread. I've just decided to go NC with adult SD. I have my husband's full support and although he is totally disgusted by her latest antics and doesn't want to speak to her right now, I'd like him to have some form of relationship with her in the future. I suppose time will tell whether that will happen. What a mess :(

jeez, what a mess hey? the power that our parents/ inlaws hold over us. how they can emotionally crush us when we are vulnerable. woodlandwanderer yes its incredibly difficult to handle the low and no contact relationship. i think low contact means that that door is always held partially open for a full relationship to start again. watching someone you love become chewed up and spat out by their 'loved ones' is so so hard. it would be a situation that wouldnt be tolerated as much if it were someones partner, yet family can do this and it is deemed acceptable.

This is a very sad thread. Ironically I have worked broadly in the field of family therapy and spent years holding my own family together, so I find it tough to have to resort to NC with my PIL.

Rusty. 'It's so hard to stay NC as I keep wanting to try and fix everything' This is just how I feel! Actually, are you me? It breaks my heart that they are treating DH in such a terrible way. yes, yes. And why does he still keep in contact with them?

No, Imbroglio I do not have to see them, thank god. They finally went too far, even for my DH and I will never agree to see them again. They have been instructed to not ring the house or visit and for the last 6 months have stuck to it.

And no there are no children, which is actually the root cause. Turns out I am a recurrent miscarrier and now have a severe chronic illness (all discovered after the wedding). Like OP, there have been a string of accusations from PIL.

wizzy their list is long, colourful and unbelievable, just like yours! The worst being 'willfully causing my DH's childlessness' (they have e-mailed 'evidence' of this) and......wait for it.... even my own miscarriages There has been much wailing about DH not having his own family (They have other GC) and -underhand- attempts to get him to leave me.

But, as Imbroglio says I am not shackled anymore and I will remember that I will not be punished anymore for setting and keeping my own perfectly reasonable boundaries.

wizzy I was doing a bit better until I read this bit from you i think low contact means that that door is always held partially open for a full relationship to start again

I think that's the bit I struggle with. I guess it's because the chronic illness/RMC has triggered anxiety and the thought that the door is slightly ajar and they might prise their way back in again gives me the collywobbles

This is very therapeutic!

I think low contact is much harder than no contact. Any contact I have had with my parents over the last 18 years (between the proper NC periods) has been 'low' but with some contact there is always the option for them the start pushing boundaries and trying to exert control.

NC is an extreme choice obviously, but I found low contact much more stressful because it meant that every time the phone rang or I got an email (luckily we always lived far apart enough for visiting not to be an option) it could be them.

Now they don't have my number or know where I live I feel a lot safer.

mistermagpie, this is exactly how I feel. I have gone LC many times before but when an event comes up that will mean contact is inevitable, the stress is unbearable, wondering whether this will be the event to push you over the edge. I refuse to lose my cool with her or behave in such a way that I think is exacty what she wants, sadly I can no longer guarantee that I can hold it in and think NC is the only option I have now. Hugs to all going through this.

I agree that LC is harder. Waiting for the inevitable email or text is excruciating. DH and I were coping well until a Christmas card arrived from the MIL. It was very passive aggressive and ignored my existence. DH ripped it up and threw it in the bin. It may sound silly but it felt like an unwelcome intrusion on our home, our safe space, after a lot of painful abuse

However, at least me and DH both agree. My lovely dad never supported my poor mum in the way he should. I know he felt stuck in the middle but I now realise what a constant struggle it was for her

Ok so yesterday and today ive started getting 'how are you?' texts from the inlaws. After wondering what to do i texted back an hour ago saying why are you contacting me after all this time. Was i stupid to do this? I wonder if ill get a 'because we care about you' stepford wife style message back. Its like they have this radar that tells them when to freak me out. And she sounds so normal and reasonable and im saying to myself "dont fall for it. She is up to something". I know that my sil is expecting her first child so im sure she is wanting happy families or more of an audience for the inevitable dramas that will come about. I sound like such a total bitch. Even my husband says that my sil is taking over from his mum as being the chief matriarch/ bully of the family. This is probably her wanting to take charge of the situation and get us back in their clutches. Afterall we would be so cruel if we didnt let our kids grow up together. Feels like we live in a mafia family.

woodlandwanderer sorry for giving you spooky collywobbles (havent heard that word in years!!).

Please don't fall for this. I saw a FB msg today that had the same kind of "oh look, I'm such a nice person" they are crackpots, you know they are, don't doubt yourself. x