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Original poster

Should I leave my unsatisfying in bed partner?

126 replies

user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 15:06

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We have a one year old child together.

Our problems pretty much started at the conception of our relationship. We had our son very early on in the relationship, before we really even knew each other properly. Our sex life has never been very good, he doesn't like oral sex, or using hands, or anything other than basically 'stick it in'. He's not a fan of being adventurous e.g. having it outdoors, in the car or even different positions. He's not into toys, or dress up, I've literally tried to suggest everything.

We probably have sex once a month if that. It is a very rare event.

He doesn't ever give me orgasms because he says he doesn't enjoy touching a woman, or giving oral sex. He has got a little better lately, he will at least attempt to touch me down there, but never for long enough to satisfy me. I've tried to discuss this with him many times, but he never seems to take notice. He never says 'right tonight I am going to make sure I satisfy you', or anything like that. I've tried to show him websites, hell I have even offered for him to watch me please myself so he can learn but he is not interested.

Most of the time he will roll over after he is finished, and I will sort myself out whilst he goes to sleep.

He used to have a big problem with porn, but as far as I am aware he has stopped watching it now. That also caused a lot of tension in our relationship.

I've really started to resent him. This has made me dislike him as a person as I feel he is selfish. I find myself craving for another man to satisfy me, to show me attention and make me feel attractive. Whenever I go to bars or pubs (which is obviously rare given I have a young child), I love it when I get attention from other men. I feel like it's a massive confidence boost and something I am missing from my relationship with my partner.

I am only 23 and I am sat here thinking, is this it? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/12/2016 18:07

Lots your FWB doesn't have enough benefits

Ditch him

LotsoNumbers · 31/12/2016 18:09

Oh I am AF there aren't many benefits all round to being his friend...just taken me a long time to wake up to that fact!

DanGleballs · 31/12/2016 18:15

He said that once he is finished, it's a biological reflex for him to be tired and go to sleep

growapear · 31/12/2016 18:32

Leave him, you can't change someones sex drive, I doubt you will ever feel "wanted" by him.

I will say it is pretty funny to imagine the sexes reversed here...a man who said his wife wouldn't give him a hand job and just lay there during sex would be called a rapist :)

HeavenlyEyes · 31/12/2016 18:38

Well whatever statistics which tell you that single parent children do badly - try explaining that to my university educated DC who are doing good degrees. Didn't do them much harm losing their deadbeat of a father.

And Lots - a friend should be with benefits - not without!

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 19:08

I don't understand the rape comment? I don't coerce him into having sex with me, and I never would, hence why we have sex only very rarely.

Also there is no fundamental problem with not enjoy touching/oral both giving or receiving, if that is your preference then obviously that is absolutely fine. But when you have a partner involved who has the totally opposite preference then you can hardly expect them to put up with it forever?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 31/12/2016 19:34

If my partner was a man who doesn't enjoy touching women, I would wonder if he was straight.

ChristmasHat · 31/12/2016 19:51

Another one saying leave. He won't change. I spent 29 years with someone like this, sex was infrequent and all about him. He wasn't even affectionate unless he wanted sex. I kept hoping things would improve but as soon as we got married sex became almost non-existent though we did manage to have three children. He was incredibly selfish in all areas of life, emotionally abusive and I have been left feeling like a shell of a person. He was my only relationship and I am now in my fifties and have never experienced an orgasm with someone else. I don't think I will ever have a relationship again and find it extremely hard to trust anyone.

He is not worth it and you and your son are worth far more. Please leave him. Don't do what I did and put up with his shit. Good luck.

ThatGuy36 · 31/12/2016 20:13

Yes

Atenco · 31/12/2016 20:26

You just hear statistics all the time about children who grow up with separated parents, how they perform poorly at school, have social issues etc

I am the daughter of divorced parents, as is my dd. Maybe I didn't end up married for my entire life because of that, but I am perfectly happy. Both of us are fine socially and have done well at school. I think those statistics are just one way of looking at the effects of poverty.

OnGoldenPond · 31/12/2016 21:07

I think it is likely he is either gay or transgendered.

Either way he won't change and cannot become the man you need.

Leave now and concentrate on becoming amicable co parents. If you stay much longer it will only get bitter and nasty.

PickledLilly · 31/12/2016 21:27

Leave. Leave now. It gets worse not better

SeriousSteve · 01/01/2017 03:21

Hi OP,

I got with my then gf, now DW, when she was a young mum. It made not one jot of difference. Wouldn't give that a second thought.

Littleballerina · 01/01/2017 03:28

I didn't realise how important sex in a relationship was until I was in a good relationship with good sex.
Life is too short op.

SohornaBlu · 01/01/2017 03:32

If he doesn't like touching women he's either gay or asexual. Or perhaps he's just not into you. Whatever the reason, he's never going to change. It's up to you if you want to continue with someone who doesn't have any interest in a sex life with you. Or not.

Janey50 · 01/01/2017 03:41

I was in a relationship wirth a man rather like this before I met my present DP. Believe me OP,he is highly unlikely to change. At the time,I tried to tell myself that there was nothing wrong,that it was normal for him to not want to touch me 'there',or that I was doing something wrong. Thankfully,I saw the light quite soon and didn't waste too much of my life on him. Which is what you will be doing OP,if you stay with him much longer! You are only 23! You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't condemn yourself to a miserable sex-life with this man. I was nearly 50 when I was in the same situation,no way could I have put up with it for years. It is only now after being with my current partner that I realise just how awful in bed my previous partner was.

imjessie · 01/01/2017 04:00

How old is he ? Most 23 ish men are horny feckers ! My dh still is at 41... seems like really odd behaviour .. is it possible he doesn't fancy you ? And feels trapped ? Maybe splitting would be good for both of you?

imjessie · 01/01/2017 04:00

How old is he ? Most 23 ish men are horny feckers ! My dh still is at 41... seems like really odd behaviour .. is it possible he doesn't fancy you ? And feels trapped ? Maybe splitting would be good for both of you?

imjessie · 01/01/2017 04:01

How old is he ? Most 23 ish men are horny feckers ! My dh still is at 41... seems like really odd behaviour .. is it possible he doesn't fancy you ? And feels trapped ? Maybe splitting would be good for both of you?

Original poster
user1483196132 · 01/01/2017 13:43

He is 24. It is possible that he doesn't fancy me, the gay theory is also possible, to be honest I just don't know. I don't want to stick around forever waiting to find out what his deal is either Sad

I tried to talk to him about this earlier this morning. Whilst celebrating New Year last night the realisation hit me that I don't want to spend another year feeling this way. I want to be happy and feel loved and wanted.

When I spoke to him he was very defensive and didn't want to listen to what I had to say. He said, 'well didn't you enjoy sex last time? I touched you'.
To which I replied, 'well yes it was an improvement, but I could tell you didn't like it and I still didn't orgasm.'
He then said, 'well I thought you enjoyed it.'

He doesn't even seem to know what a female orgasm looks like or is, if he really believes I enjoyed it. He has now started to say he is willing to 'forget what I said earlier, and keep trying to make things work.' I don't know how to get through to him that I am not interested anymore, he has had his chance to improve things over the last 18 months and hasn't.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 01/01/2017 13:51

Don't tell us love, tell him.

HecateAntaia · 01/01/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 01/01/2017 13:56

Send this to your man

www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_lmf_img_4

I can't figure if he's selfish, stupid, inexperienced or all of the above.

Did he have a relationship before you?

I'd ask him if he's ever had complaints when previous girls didn't orgasm?

He needs to realise that the problem is with him.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2017 13:58

You don't need him to agree that your relationship is over

expatinscotland · 01/01/2017 14:00

What Hecate said, with bells on. He doesn't like touching women. It's beside the point if he's gay or asexual, you deserve SO much more.

'It's over. We are not compatible.'

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