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Original poster

Should I leave my unsatisfying in bed partner?

126 replies

user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 15:06

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We have a one year old child together.

Our problems pretty much started at the conception of our relationship. We had our son very early on in the relationship, before we really even knew each other properly. Our sex life has never been very good, he doesn't like oral sex, or using hands, or anything other than basically 'stick it in'. He's not a fan of being adventurous e.g. having it outdoors, in the car or even different positions. He's not into toys, or dress up, I've literally tried to suggest everything.

We probably have sex once a month if that. It is a very rare event.

He doesn't ever give me orgasms because he says he doesn't enjoy touching a woman, or giving oral sex. He has got a little better lately, he will at least attempt to touch me down there, but never for long enough to satisfy me. I've tried to discuss this with him many times, but he never seems to take notice. He never says 'right tonight I am going to make sure I satisfy you', or anything like that. I've tried to show him websites, hell I have even offered for him to watch me please myself so he can learn but he is not interested.

Most of the time he will roll over after he is finished, and I will sort myself out whilst he goes to sleep.

He used to have a big problem with porn, but as far as I am aware he has stopped watching it now. That also caused a lot of tension in our relationship.

I've really started to resent him. This has made me dislike him as a person as I feel he is selfish. I find myself craving for another man to satisfy me, to show me attention and make me feel attractive. Whenever I go to bars or pubs (which is obviously rare given I have a young child), I love it when I get attention from other men. I feel like it's a massive confidence boost and something I am missing from my relationship with my partner.

I am only 23 and I am sat here thinking, is this it? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Sad

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 31/12/2016 15:54

OP, my daughters were brought up in a one parent family and have done really well at school and also in their chosen sports.

You shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't care about your feelings just because of something that may or may not happen in the future. You will be doing more damage to your child by staying in a dysfunctional relationship. No matter how hard you try to hide it from them, kids pick up on things. Leave while you're young. Please don't let this drag out any longer.

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 15:55

I know deep down I should leave, but it is terrifying to make that leap. I am scared of being on my own, scared nobody else will love me, scared of what other people will think Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 15:56

And of course worried about the implications it could have on my son.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 31/12/2016 15:58

He doesn't like to touch you, is he even into women? How did you hang around long enough to conceive if its always been this bad? Is he living a lie?
Discuss it with him now and leave before your feelings turn to hate, as that will be no good for either of your relationship with your child.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 31/12/2016 16:01

I left an abusive relationship when I was in my 40s and it was the best thing that I've ever done. I won't lie to you, it wasn't a piece of cake but I did get through it and you will too.

As for other relationships, don't go hurling yourself into one until you know what you want. If you're worried that you'll be alone, I am now in my 50s and still get asked on dates.

Concentrate on yourself and your child first, and the rest will come in time.

monkeywithacowface · 31/12/2016 16:03

I have to say my first thought on reading this was "He's gay".

Potnoodlewilld0 · 31/12/2016 16:04

This isn't just about the act of sex it's what it signifies.

He doesn't care about how you feel. He is quite happy to throw you a bone every now and then to shut you up and make it look like he is make an effort -but he isn't really is he.

Maybe he just isn't in to sex
Maybe he just isn't in to the female form
Maybe he is gay.

Why would you spend a life time being with some one that makes you feel shit.

Many many parents manage to parent in seperate houses very effectively if they are both commited to not being twats.

DJBaggySmalls · 31/12/2016 16:04

You would prefer to spend the rest of your life being unhappy, rather than risk the unknown quantity of leaving?

If you leave there is a chance you will meet someone else and be happy. Someone that likes you, likes women, and likes sex.

Shakey15000 · 31/12/2016 16:08

It matters not what other people think, this is your life you're dealing with. Let them think what they like. And to trot out the old, but true, saying- Life is too bloody short. Too short to be putting up with things that don't make you happy. You've tried, you sound considerate but you're unlikely to improve it/him from what you've done already. End it, for all your sakes.

Soubriquet · 31/12/2016 16:10

I would be worried your son turning out exactly like his dad.

Least if you leave you have a chance to raise him to be a man who cares about his partner.

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 16:15

Thank you all for your responses. It is nice to be reassured that I am not being selfish if I leave, and also that things can work out for the better.

I can't forsee that he will ever change unfortunately.

OP posts:
ThoraGruntwhistle · 31/12/2016 16:16

My first thought was also 'I wonder if he's gay'. His extreme lack of interest in whether you enjoy it, the fact it seldom happens at all, and telling you outright that he doesn't 'like touching women' are pretty insurmountable obstacles to ever having a happy relationship together.
Also, with half of marriages ending in divorce, how can you believe that all children from homes where the parents split up turn out to be miserable failures? Confused

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 16:31

It's not that I believe all children who come from separated homes will all be miserable failures. I have family members and friends who come from homes where their parents were separated.

It's just difficult when you read articles, papers and literature that all paint single families and children as being riddled with problems. It's not that I personally believe it, I know ultimately he will grow up to be a rounded man because both of us can be mature and guide him. But it's not ideal, in an ideal world everyone would stay with the person they had children with and be happy.

I think ultimately it is better that my child grows up seeing a happy relationship, and happy separated parents, rather than having a miserable and resentful mum.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 31/12/2016 16:36

I think ultimately it is better that my child grows up seeing a happy relationship, and happy separated parents, rather than having a miserable and resentful mum

Exactly!!

expatinscotland · 31/12/2016 16:45

You need to end this farce of a relationship. And please, please, take away a very important lesson from this: the second you have a crap shag, dump the person. Don't fall for that 'aw, give him a chance.' Life is way, way too short for shite sex. This guy is gay, asexual or hates women. Whatever it is, he will never change.

LanaorAna1 · 31/12/2016 16:51

Leave. He's not a long-term prospect.

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 16:51

Don't worry, if (when) we do split up and I meet someone else I will not be tolerating rubbish sex. I've been living with bad sex and at times a sexless relationship for 3 years. I will not live with another repeat of that.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/12/2016 17:09

All too often, women are advised to 'give him a chance' to try to fix the man, that he might be shy and inexperienced. It's not your job to be a sex coach.

Happybunny19 · 31/12/2016 17:11

OMG he sounds awful, in and out of bed. Someone who isn't even bothered if you're enjoying sex with them cannot possibly be a good partner out of bed either. Leave while you're still so young. You won't be single for long, if you don't want to be and living like this would drive anyone mad. He would irritate anyone judging by your description.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2016 17:40

TBH I think a man who can't and won't satisfy a woman sexually, should be ashamed of himself. If he's incapable of pleasuring you, he should give you the option of finding a man who can do it for you.

It's exceedingly selfish and I'm sure it would make me view such a person as less of a man.

It's the can't be arsed attitude that would piss me off. No consideration for your feelings, you might as well go to love honey and get a decent vibe in the meanwhile, but do not live this way forever.

If you're both amicable, you can still be great parents apart. Let him find another woman who'll put up with crap sex. Just stop having sex with him. There's nothing in it for you.

He seems not just selfish, but he has other issues if he can't touch you down there. Why would he even have a relationship with a woman when that's how he feels?

Does he prefer to touch men?

Jason911 · 31/12/2016 17:41

He's giving us all a bad name - ditch him ASAP

LotsoNumbers · 31/12/2016 17:53

My "FWB" is like this...he's very happy to take what I'm giving but has never gone down on me and barely touches me...when he does i get the feeling it's to help himself along rather than because he thinks I will like it. I'm not having sex with him again he's had enough chances. He tells me it's because he's scared of getting it wrong which obviously means (in his head) it doesn't matter if he tries or not.

We deserve better op. Men like this will never get better because they DON'T CARE about your pleasure and they NEVER WILL

user1467798821 · 31/12/2016 17:54

You say that you bicker and he irritates you, this is far more harmful than staying together. Your son will model his relationships on what he says in his growing up years. You will (if you aren't already) going to resent him for his sexual selfishness. I also wondered if he is gay, and if he is, he's been very unfair to you. Make the move now, before you hate him

Original poster
user1483196132 · 31/12/2016 17:55

I think he would need to be in a relationship with a woman who wasn't interested in sex. I can't see many women (who want a satisfying sex life), putting up with him.

I've always thought that sex wasn't that important in a relationship. I've now learnt that a life with bad, unsatisfying sex actually creeps into every part of your relationship. This last couple of years have made me feel like a different woman, and not in a good way. I need to be with someone who adores me, and I adore them, we both have a mutual respect and love for one another. And my partner does too, but that is just not going to happen with me.

OP posts:
middlesis · 31/12/2016 18:03

Is it possible he's gay?

Whether he is or not, it's so important to feel desired. You can't carry on like this - you will end up having an affair.

Don't worry about not meeting someone else. There are lots of other single parents out there and you will find someone more compatible.