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Original poster

Huge huge row with parents on Xmas day

80 replies

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 11:34

Short back story, I'm an only child,, always had a difficult relationship with my mum, esp as a teenager when she would read my diaries, didn't agree with some choices I made, but I have just learnt yo deal with her behaviour, always having an opinion on everything I do, nothing is right. About 10 years ago they both moved 150 miles to be closer to me and the grandchildren, now 12 and 13. I never asked them to move, bit supported them. They've never settled really but would be unhappy if they'd stayed as they wouldn't see much of the grandkids.
I've always had a better relationship with my dad.
5 years ago I got divorced which I couldn't have done without them being close to help me. That was a disappointment to them but me and ex have a good relationship.
Just recently, mum has been very difficult , putting the phone down on me as she didn't agree that the boys should see their dad on Xmas day.mi felt they should and they wanted to.
So Xmas day, dad started crying, I've never ever seen him cry, proper sobbing saying mum had to,d him stuff I'd done as a teenager and he couldn't believe it.( drinking, smoking, lesbian flings)
It was horrendous . Luckily the kids had gone.
I just know how to proceed . They have helped me financially but it's with condition, eg - give me money for carpets but they have to have a say in what I choose.
I do love them but my mums constant criticism of everything I do just wares me down, and now she's upset my dad - no reason to bring things up from 25 years ago.
Just needed to vent

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 29/12/2016 11:44

Drinking, smoking and lesbian flings? None of his business.

He needs to get a grip.

GloriaGaynor · 29/12/2016 11:45

You were a normal teenager and he's crying about it years later?

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 11:45

Yes .....

OP posts:
Cirrusly · 29/12/2016 11:46

I agree. I'd have laughed if I was him. Drinking smoking lesbian flings! Nothing sounds terrible. I feel for you they sound terribly controlling.

AhNowTed · 29/12/2016 11:47

Drinking, smoking and lesbian flings?

Who hasn't !!

You know the answer OP, they are way too involved and you need to stop over-sharing as they can't handle it

gettingtherequickly · 29/12/2016 11:47

Most odd, you sound like a normal teen to me, why would it upset him now? Does he feel that he was a bad parent?

Cirrusly · 29/12/2016 11:47

How does she know??

ThePinkOcelot · 29/12/2016 11:52

How did your mum know about lesbian flings? Did you tell her?

Kidnapped · 29/12/2016 11:52

She read the OP's diaries, Cirrus.

3luckystars · 29/12/2016 11:52

Well if that's the worst she can do, she had done it now. Just keep your head together and stop thinking about the past.
You are where you are, and they can be nice or fuck off. you can ignore them if they are upsetting you.

ThePinkOcelot · 29/12/2016 12:03

Sorry OP, I did read that she read your diaries. Ignore me!
I think if I were you, I would just say it was years ago and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then and refuse to discuss any further!

Manumission · 29/12/2016 12:06

You could manage without them.

The belief that you couldn't HAS been encouraged as part of the dysfunctional dynamic. At any rate a huge step back from accepting favours is very possible, especially now that both DC are secondary age.

Manumission · 29/12/2016 12:07

I'm not sure why autocorrect is doing random caps -sorry.

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 12:09

The issue is broken trust. Your DM violated your privacy at the time and has now told secrets that are not hers to tell. I would struggle to get over this.

Can your dad not see the issue is not what you did but what your DM has done?

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:23

I have spoken to him today and he seems very embarrassed and still a little angry . My new partner was there and witnessed it all

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2016 12:26

That's a bit weird. To be crying about a teen smoking or drinking or having a lesbian fling. Something else must be bothering him. I think you need to stop accepting financial help from them and maybe a little distance in terms of how often you contact them will help.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:27

I should say they are both nearly 80

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:28

They expect a phone call or a visit every day - we only live a mile away

OP posts:
lazarusb · 29/12/2016 12:28

I agree that what you did is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Your mother read your diaries all those years ago but she chooses to do the big reveal to your dad at Christmas? Sounds very controlling and toxic. It's none of their business at all.

You can make the break with them if you want to - you are an adult, independent with two growing children. Ask yourself what you really gain from continuing your relationship with your mother. Is it worth it?

Mix56 · 29/12/2016 12:28

So your Mum got in a huff over Dcs going to their Dad at Xmas, & subsequently unloaded this teenage stuff in a "I have accepted so much over the years, the dugs, the blablalba".
I would be tempted to ask her if she was proud of herself.... Prime bitchy childish behaviour, unkind & unfair to both you & your Dad.
Your father should not be upset over things that happened 25 years ago & are clearly in the past.
Assuming they have gone home, I would just ignore your mother until she comes to you with a sincere apology

dustarr73 · 29/12/2016 12:29

Way to over invested in your life,you survived a divorce your kids are teens.You could easily go it alone now.Just little steps and you will get there.

JigglyTuff · 29/12/2016 12:30

Oh FGS - they sound utterly stifling. I wouldn't call or visit them either until they apologised.

They're behaving ridiculously

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:32

Last year I had the children all over Xmas and new year , this year it has been shared equally with mr and their dad . Last year was wrong - he didn't do enough, this year ". We won't see them as their at their dads "
I said they are not your kids - they belong to me and their dad. That's what started all this

OP posts:
3luckystars · 29/12/2016 12:32

Can you just say you were writing a book or something and it nap all made up. She is really scraping the barrel here bringing up stuff from 20 years ago. You have to just draw a line and not let them cross it again.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:33

They are way too invested you are right

OP posts:
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